Replacing the much lamented 'On My Mind' profile option, this thread is for musings, jottings, whimsies, preoccupations and the rest of the thesaurus for anyone to jot down anything they please.
I can't remember what the maximum character count was before, can anyone else? But anyway it wasn't very many so let's keep to that.
I would like to know why some moms tend to pick the screw up kid as their favorite! My mom had a very soft spot for my oldest brother who had his issues throughout his lifetime.
I know a woman who raves about her son who is definitely the ‘black sheep’ of the family. She treats the rest of her kids like crap. Her excuse is that “Jesus goes after the lost sheep.”
I told her, ‘Yes, Jesus does go after the lost sheep, but He doesn’t forget about the rest of his flock.’
My mom would play all of us against each other at times too. It’s a horrible thing to do. In general, she favored her sons.
I find it interesting that some women are extremely jealous of their daughters. Or the mothers who live vicariously through their children, they are very annoying!
I kept my distance from the ‘stage’ moms. There were a few of those in my daughter’s theatre group. They drove me nuts!
I totally understand . That’s how it was in my family . Mom grooming her “ ally of the month “. Pitting varying combinations of 5 kids against one another , then Mom would cry that we “ are a rotten family “ because we weren’t close , and would ask, “ Why did I bother having kids?”
We were all relieved when she died . Like I said there is very limited phone contact . We have all gone separate ways.
@Golden,
One of my sisters is very similar to my mother , always has an agenda . This one I have been no contact for years. Ironically my mother and sister did not recognize how similar they were . They were both manipulative liars , both claimed to be the victim and complained they were treated badly when they didn’t get things their way and always blamed others for their behavior . My sister is always trying to get an ally while complaining and lying about the others , about how she was somehow slighted . Complaining she is a victim and Stirring the pot is her favorite pass time . It makes everyone stay away from her , which gives her even more reason to claim she is a victim “ ousted by the family “. She blames me , says I orchestrated getting her kicked out when in fact I am the one who removed myself from the family first . The others just followed my example and went seperate ways .
@Need,
I’m over it. Are there times I wish I had a better relationship with some of my siblings , yes. But I have accepted as do I think they have , that it just is not possible. We all have demons we fight , and we just can’t make it all fit in one room.
My mother is an abusive bully and my sisters and I spent our childhoods avoiding being in her crosshairs when she was angry (and that was pretty often) and we threw each other under the bus to avoid being abused.
Also, my mother always wanted an ally. One of us was the good daughter for a few days and she pitted her daughters against each other. As a result, my twin sisters to not talk to each other and I communicate with the other two only regarding our parents' care.
I think that is how she exerted her control in the family. My sisters and I never had a sibling bond.
After they are gone, I anticipate we will just go our separate ways and that's that.
It is very sad.
need - It is sad when parents stir the pot between sibs. Mother needed allies and groomed my sis to be her ally which set sis against me, Then as adults I finally realized that sis had her own agenda. I like the saying that what other people think of you is non of your business. Works for me.
That’s okay, because family doesn’t always have to be only people that are biologically related to you. We can have friends who are like family.
It is sad when parents stir the pot between siblings. Some siblings are able to overcome this and others can’t.
Sometimes, there is just too much water under the bridge and relationships can’t be repaired. That’s when I feel that the kindest thing that people can do for themselves and others is to just let it be.
I’ve been expected to please others the way my mother groomed me . I’m not allowed to say “ No “.
This is why I have very limited contact with family . My mother created the “ non family “ that we are .
I am completely done with trying to convince others of anything. I really don’t care what they think. I’m not going to waste my time and energy on their ignorance.
I see people living in misery because all of their happiness is based on what others think of them. How sad is that?
It’s liberating to learn to value yourself and brush off negative criticism made by people who truly don’t deserve to rob you of your joy in life.
It really made a huge difference to me when I heard my therapist say to me, “Don’t let anyone steal your joy.”
Oh so true, ‘change’ is the one constant that we have in life. Nothing stays the same and we have to adapt.
Hopefully, we learn to adapt in a way that is healthy, rather than remaining stuck in a loop.
Life can be hard sometimes. It’s confusing at times too and it can take some people a while to sort through their emotions.
Some will wait until they hit their threshold of pain before they decide to live their lives as they wish to live.
That is so true . Family often see you only as the version in their brain , no matter if you try to correct their thoughts .
need - I totally agree with building new traditions. Life changes and so must we.
way - good for you and your hub. I refused to host out of town family too.
My one sister in law finally texted me once asking if I was mad at them . I told her the truth ….that it was my husband who told me , “ we are off duty while your siblings come , it’s a day off for us from your parents “ My sister in law said
“ Ahh, smart man “.
I don’t think that you are alone in your thoughts on holiday gatherings. Lots of people feel pressure during the holidays.
Honestly, one of my favorite Thanksgiving celebrations was when just our immediate family, DH. my daughters and I went out of town to the beach. It was great!
Consider starting new traditions for the holidays instead of feeling obligated to participate in family functions.
Sending hugs and valentine 💌 love your way today!
Barb, I so relate to your comments about being put into roles our family feel comfortable with. This is why I don't like family get togethers.
Caring for my mom helped me grow a backbone. This Christmas I sensed hostility from everyone. Maybe they miss the old me. I used to be the clown always trying to make everyone laugh. I think that was me just trying to fit in and be accepted. I still joke around but not like I used to.
I remember once my B I L said "we like you better the other way" Ah well. If he really liked me he'd like all sides of me wouldn't he? I don't know.
Vent wherever you like. Remember how Captain would crash threads? 😁
Hope things improve for you soon.
I like to think of that as being "put in our place"--the place our family is comfortable with us being.
Remember the scene in Dirty Dancing where "Baby's" parents and sister have yet again sandwiched her into the corner, hemmed in and unfree? And her dance partner arrives and says "Nobody puts Baby in the corner"?
It takes a great deal of imagination and gumption to break out of our assigned role. And check out our feelings when someone tries to shove us back into that role.
The fact that dad needs 24/7 care means he needs a facility. Does your mom not "get" that?
It does seem that the dysfun thread has disappeared. We can always start a new one if doesn't come back.
gershun - glad to see you posting. Your childhood experiences are still very hard on you. I pray for healing for you. Getting through the childhood pain isn't easy! (((((hugs))))) for you too.
I'm textbook C-PTSD neurologically dysregulated after a 40-minute conversation with my mom, where she told me she's moving my dad in with her after the hospital doc said he needed 24/7 care a week ago... and she partially blamed me, somehow, for issues in general because I'm not more present in her life. She wasn't giving me a guilt trip; she was saying things she always says about wishing we were closer, even while her behavior says she does exactly what she wants, and she knows she can call or visit me anytime.
I've removed many paragraphs of expounding on the vent that I just typed here because I got what I needed, which was to work through my feelings for a few minutes. 💜
I sure hope the dys thread comes back!
Send hugs!! 😆😱💜💜💜
*I'm in the middle of a weeks-long final school project... like, I'm frazzled anyway, but then this convo sent me. I'll be fine, but I'll take hugs and prayers, too!
Have fun !! Beats shoveling snow like I did today .
Wish you were here too!
Hail Rex! Our Rex King is an LSU Alumni. Our Queen is a Bama girl! Oh my gosh! Bama is our arch enemy! Oh well…We will love her for today as our ‘queen’ of carnival.
My favorite part of the parades are the marching bands. New Orleans is filled with fabulous musicians! I do love the artistry of the floats too.
Come for our Jazz and Heritage Festival. That’s my all time favorite! Fantastic lineup this year. Just got an email stating what musicians are playing. Going to be a wonderful time!
Will catch tons on throws and eat a piece of King Cake for y’all.
Consequently, I do use that word for anyone who crosses a boundary intentionally to coerce me to do what THEY want .
Why? Because.. sigh.. the little kid inside me remembers the shameful feelings attached to it.
The word was an effective tool used to shape our behaviour.
Probably to stop us being whiny greedy brats wanting the largest slice of cake 😆 or serving ourself first. Oh the judgement that could land on Mother for having such selfish children!
As an adult, when this word gets used I have tried to stop & reflect why. Was it selfish?
It IS subjective. As already said, one person's view is selfish - the other view may be *self-care*.
What I have found is people can weaponise the word selfish - hurl it at someone in anger to control them.
Eg When a relative volunteered for care duties then attempted to roster others ("It's only fair - I'VE done all this so YOU all need to...") I saw the word as a weapon.
The words were: You are selfish for not helping me.
The meaning was: You are selfish for not doing what I want.
Who actually was being selfish?
I think I'll use *self-absorbed* too.
Makes me think of a bloated fish 😁
So I really try to never use any of those terms.
I do like alvas suggestion and just saying " she is a very self absorbed person"
Thanks for the feedback!
You knew I would like it, didn't you?
I agree on Narcissist. If, as I told another poster moments ago, there is only 2-6% of the population who is Narcissistic, then we are definitely overusing that label on AC, or they are in fact ALL HERE.
I disagree somewhat about selfish. That isn't a clinical diagnosis under the DSM-5 (tho grieving too long and too much currently IS). I think it's OK to say "I think that's somewhat selfish, because......" But we aren't labeling someone as having a personality disorder.
Moreover my opinion of what makes you selfish and someone else's may vary. So it is a subjective, and not objective labeling of people. The person I say is selfish may spout right back "I am just trying to take care of myself!" and could well be right. We could agree at that point to disagree and get on with other niceities.
As RNs we were taught NEVER TO LABEL. If Jane just slapped Jennifer in the face we are not allow to say "Jennifer is becoming violent. We could only say "Jane slapped Jennifer" and what we did about it.
IF Irma said "I want my tray BEFORE you deliver to any other room because I want my food HOT and I don't care about anyone's else's food, but I better get MY WAY" we cannot say "Irma is a selfish, Narcissistic B----" in the chart. We have to say "Irma has expressed her wish to be fed first and says she isn't concerned about others who also want to eat; we have told her why we cannot deliver her tray first and explained tray delivery protocol."