I just have to get this out. My 81-year-old mother, who was already using a cane/walker, fell a couple of months ago and has been in a rehab/skilled nursing facility for most of the time since. She's utterly miserable, as anybody would be, and I'm not sure she'll ever walk again.
I'm her only child, a two-hour flight away. I know that's rough. But even before the fall, she'd make self-pitying comments about not having anyone to do things for her, and a CONSTANT running monologue about how her friend's husband does her friend's bidding like a footman. (She married and divorced my dad *twice*). Recently when she said she longed to go outside, I suggested she could get somebody to wheel her out to the courtyard (she has plenty of visitors), and she snapped, "That's for people with families," (Huh?) Whenever she goes all wavery-voiced and tells me plaintively, "You're all I have," it fills me with rage.
Her old age and illness are not my fault (although it feels like they are), and now she wants me to feel bad that I don't have brothers or sisters? And speaking of brothers and sisters, am I wrong in thinking that very few elderly people--regardless of how many kids they have--pretty much have only one child who's actively involved in their care anyway? I don't even know what I'm asking, I guess I'm just venting. Wish I could rent a sibling.
If so could you contact one of them and ask if they would be willing to take mom out in the courtyard for a little walk?
You might not be far off when you suggest that you "rent a sibling" Contact the facility and ask if they have volunteers that would take mom out in the courtyard once in a while.
I am going to assume (I know not a good idea) that mom is now there long term. If she is unable to progress with her rehab and if she is not able to manage on her own they will / can not discharge her back home unless she has a caregiver. This might be a difficult thing for her to accept.
Just commiserating with your experience. I live a 4-hour flight from my mom and she's constantly saying stuff like your mom says to you. She talks about not having a family, about how her cat is her only company. Meanwhile she's done nothing to cultivate or maintain relationships with her extended family and/or lifelong friends who WANT to be in touch with her, but she doesn't respond when they reach out. Nor will she travel to visit me and my family (she "doesn't really like to fly," meaning if I want to see her I have to travel across the country every time).
It's hard, isn't it?
No you're not wrong. I'm the youngest kid and my sibling will not help me in any way, shape, or form with our dad. They also did not help out mom on several occasions.
Ex: one of my parents decided to sell their house and move out of state. My sibling lived 10 minutes away and did not help my parent pack AT ALL. For MONTHS.
Sibling sure had no problem showing up when we were literally locking the house, take some pictures, and then make a dramatic ass social media post, though. 🙄
We thought at the time we may live in USA after kids were grown but financial circumstances that didn’t happen. My MIL lays the guilt on him all the time, says that he lied to her about coming back & now she’s all alone bla bla bla.
This woman has done nothing but cause upset & drama & in the 20+ years I’ve known her I can honestly say there is not one happy memory. Every visit she went out of her way to cause drama & on with the accusations of lying about going to USA ti live. She says she needs him to take care of her & I guess until he met me & immigrated he said he would take care of her but we can’t drop everything & fly to USA every week. She really belongs in care but refuses to go & seems to prefer hurting herself so she can tell him about every little misery she’s going through.
This woman did not by any stretch of the imagination take care of him & his brother with horrific consequences for the boys that I won’t go into here.
So I feel for you & what you’re going through.
Take care of yourself. When your mother starts with this nonsense, just excuse yourself and get off the phone. Maybe stretching out visits and allowing her to interact with others. This is the stage in life where she now. Acceptance of this fact is the key here.
I have a daughter too, but I would never want her saddled with my care if I got old and disabled.
Congrats on being cancer free for 1+ year, that's a huge milestone!! As of Feb 23, it'll be 2 yrs for me! 😁
THAT part.
If Mom has been like this all her life, you are not going to change her now. I had a friend like this, she was a Debbie Downer. She had certain expectations of people and when they did not fit her expectations, she was miserable. You'd suggest, she would have a reason why she couldn't do it. You can't live Moms life for her. Explain to her that you will not be moving back to her State. That how her life goes is all up to her not you.
Some elderly are more verbal about their unhappiness than others. And some elderly try to blame it on others .
I ended up telling my mother “ I did not make you old , I can’t fix old.”
Sorry you are having guilt trips placed on you. It’s not your fault Mom is old
My husband has two younger sisters. When their mom was old and sick, all three took part in helping my MIL in various ways. The youngest daughter chose to move in with my MIL and do the lion’s share. She spent a lot of time angry and resentful about it, but it was her choice.
good luck to you.
At some point you have to rely on what YOU know in your heart to be true, not the rantings of a manipulative old woman. I know I was a very good daughter to my mother for the entirety of my life, in spite of her not being a very good mother to me. I got shortchanged in that department, as you did. What we did get in return for the heartache is a strong character and an iron will. FIERCE independence where we don't play the Poor Me card no matter how tough life gets! I will always thank my mother for teaching me how NOT to behave to my own children and how to be strong like bull.
Press on my friend, and put the phone on mute when you've had enough. It works a charm. 😉
You are a daughter who obviously cares about the well being of her mother, while understanding that her happiness is not on you , but her.
And the fact that you're an only child isn't your fault, nor is the fact that your mothers health is failing or that she's getting old.
So next time your mother tries to play the "feel sorry for me" card, you just tell her that you have to go and say goodbye. Don't play into it.
You can't control your mother, but you can control yourself and your reaction to her. So start there.
And I'm changing your screen name to either "caring daughter" or "only daughter" as that sounds much better than lousy daughter, don't ya think?
I'm also an only. For my first 20 years I was raised by my single Mom and her 2 older sisters who never married nor had kids. All in the same home. That's right: I'm an only child with basically 3 Mothers (now down to 2). My husband is PoA for his Mom, and we had a hellish time trying to get the stepFIL under control when his 2 sons wouldn't touch him with a 10-foot pole (for good reasons).
My advice to you is get your Mom's med situation worked out as that is the most practical solution in the short term. Then I think it would be beneficial for you to see a therapist to help you find and defend your boundaries with your Mom.
As another long-term participant on this forum points out: you didn't create the "problem" of being an only child and you aren't responsible to/cannot fix it. But out of mercy for your Mom I would at least try to help her by addressing her depression since (if she is now in dementia) she is not very able to do it herself.
You may also consider contacting the facility's Activities Director (if they have one) or their Chaplin to do some visitation. They need to also know she is struggling.
I wish you success in working out your role with your Mom and peace in your heart for however you choose to deal with it.
I am 82.
Old age isn't a time of happiness. You cannot make her happy and it is not your RESPONSIBILITY to make her happy. She wasn't born yesterday. There have been many many times in her long life that she was unhappy and this is but another one of them. There are many losses and this is a time of losses and sadly there is no "upside coming".
She laments that "YOU ARE ALL I HAVE". No, she doesn't have you. She gave birth to a child. She raised that child the best she could. She did her best given her limitations. Her child came to the age of MAJORITY and then that is IT. That is the time the child is set FREE to live her life. Her obligations are moving forward. They are to herself, to her family, to the children she brings into this world. You mother does not have you. Your mother HAD HER LIFE. Now she is at the end of it.
My brother in his 80s said of his ALF "You know hon, it's a bit like when I was young and in the army. I didn't much like it, but I made the best of it." And he DID. He did his best not to burden those who had to stand witness to his losses. THAT is courage and honor.
I am 82. My parents spent a lifetime seeing to it we would not be responsible for them. I have done the same for my own daughter. She is well aware that she must NEVER EVER consider for one second giving up her own life, the most free time of her life now, to care for me. I will go into care when I need to. Will I like it! No, you betcha I will not. But I will, as my brother did, "make the best of it". Just as I have tried to make the best of it when things are tough all of my life.
We die as we lived. I was an RN and I believe that to my core. We are who we are and we don't much change. I will say that being old doesn't do much for our sense of humor, but we should be ASHAMED if we put this on our children.
Based on what you have told us, I would reply that: you mother made some mistakes in earlier adulthood, when she was an adult and could have set herself up for the future. As you mention, she has no spouse , as she married and divorced your dad twice. Should could have set herself up to be around friends of her age (some of whom may be physically fitter, and able to spend time with her, and help out somewhat). She could have made friends with neighbors, or fellow churchgoers (if religious), or friends from activities....the list goes on....but she could have set herself up better, aside from expecting you to jump when she is in this state...