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My brother is emotionally abusing my 80 year old father; intimidating him and threatening him. My Dad wants me to travel there to take care of him but my brother won't allow it. My brother is paranoid, mentally ill, and thinks that me and my other brother are out to steal his inheritance. (We have no problem with not getting any inheritance because we are on benefits and the money would just go back to the government if we were left anything).

I have told my Dad to just do whatever my brother says to do, to try to keep the peace and keep the rages and threatening down to a minimum with my brother.
I just want my Dad to have peace; he knows he is dying and he doesn't want to abused by one of his children to death.

I have thought of driving down there to So Cal and just taking care of him, while keeping my apartment and I've thought of moving him in next to me, but he has a girlfriend he loves down there and who sees him every day. He said he needs me to take care of him and I want to SO MUCH but my abusive brother will come over and threaten us and emotionally wreck us.

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17 Comments

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It doesn't take alot of money to protect an elderly parent. Either you go live with him, he lives with you or another relative who is not abusive or he is sent to a nursing home. Even a nursing home may be better for your father. He shouldn't have to spend his "golden years" being abused. Again I would get the police and protective services out there asap.
Elizabeth
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Money or no money, you should at least call Adult Protective Services or the police in your Dad's area for a wellness check. There should be no charges for this and it can be determined if your Dad is in danger. If so, I believe, they will remove him or the jerk son from the home. You need to have a paper trail on what is happening to you Dad. Doing nothing should not be an option.
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I can't do any of that. I have no money, my dad has no money, and I live 500 miles away. Thanks anyway for all your comments.
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Again get involved and get your dad away from the abusive family member. The abuser may try to claim your dad is old, confused etc. There may be physical signs of abuse and if you have been involved with your dad you should know his personality and know when he has suffered from verbal abuse.

Taking care of the elderly takes a person with a great deal of love and a well balanced personality. Primary caregiving and lack of sleep can cause a well meaning caregiver to lose it. Either way, your father needs your help and stepping up is both a duty and an opportunity. Don't fool yourself into thinking someone else will do it for you. Get in there but be prepared to work like you never worked about. This is the hardest job but it has to be done. Too many people take a side step and let the abusive of their parent continue.

Elizabeth
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PaleBlueDot First issue is obviously your Dad. You can't possibly get the full picture unless you are there. I say this because my Mother accused me of all sorts of abuse, the only thing I was doing was loving her unconditionally. My sister believed her stories until I said "OH you should hear what she says you do to her and yourself" then my sister says "I don't do those things" I said "do you think I believed Mom, she's mentally ill...HELLO" Just yesterday I went to the NH and everyone was amazed that my Mom had a missing sneaker on, three days it was missing so they were all saying to her "where was your sneaker?" She pointed at me and said "She took it!" The staff knew I had nothing to do with it. They also know she treats me like that because I am really the only one to blame. That is because I am the one who's there all the time. She can't pull that crap on them because they really don't care about her like I do and she knows it.
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Until you can secure everything you should be with your dad (and an order of protection in place) to protect him, or conversely (sp) get your father out of there at least temporarily until you can do what it takes to protect your father.
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First, get the police and have your father charge him with elder abuse, threats whatever this poor man has endured. But be prepared to take your father into your home. If the home is your dad's, evict the son. Your father need not be treated in such a matter. He needs to regain control of his home, and be able to live there or with you the rest of his life in peace.

Elizabeth
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practical advice:
document and gather witnesses to the conversations
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Forgiving a family member is difficult
Forgetting the harmful and wrong actions or words against a family member are impossible overnight
There is alot avialble to read,study reguarding forgiveness
However allow not one to be overcome by the depression that may accompany the process of forgiveness
It has been said forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving to be set free
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On Restraining Orders:
IF the Order is against a mentally ill person, it has a high failure rate.
If it is against a person who is drug-crazed, it has a high failure rate.
Orders must be filed in every jurisdiction Dad might be in, say, driving out on a Sunday for lunch.
When our daughter filed one against someone, we had to take a copy of it and put it on file at every municipality she might travel in....we were told, if that didn't get done, the Order didn't exist in those municipalities, and, the police wouldn't honor one she carried with her.
We had NO help or assistance from the Police: the police were as obstructive as they could be, without flat-out blocking our path physically.
That leaves plenty chances the brother could cause some damage, and not get caught.
This part from above post, is VERY good:
" Don't speak to your brother on the phone or in person.
Write him a letter explaining that you are protecting him from committing a crime and possibly going to jail.
Reassure him that you are trying to do the best thing for your father and that you are not interested in any financial gain.
Tell him that he is too angry to take care of anyone..."

But this part is NOT likely to be helpful, when dealing with someone who is mentally ill, as it is not something they can process:
"... and that he needs to ask your father's forgiveness for the way he has treated him. "

I pray things work out.
Getting protection orders are a good 1st step, even though they can be a real pain to implement.
Writing the letter is also good: words are funny....people can think they hear something never said, esp. those with mental/emotional issues, and act out on it.
Putting those ideas on paper letter, better yet, a Registered, Return Receipt Letter, covers you.
A paper letter means he can re-read them and hopefully get them to play straight in his mind.

Please keep well, take care of you, too. This is a tough situation.
Many prayers!
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Sounds as if your dad has some financial resources. Perhaps he should go into assisted living. Also, good idea on the restraining order. Then wherever he lives there will be some one there to call the police should the troublemaker show up. IF your dad is not willing to do this, sorry to say, there is not a lot you can do for him. My MIL has been bullied by my husband's brother forever. He is the one who lives in the small town where she does as well, and if she disagreed with any of this decisions, he would threaten to not see her, freeze her out, etc. Basic intimidation. My brother in law went through a severe bout of depression in his 20's (he is 63 now) and my husband and in laws had to have him committed to a mental institution (that's what they did back then - he wouldn't work, clean himself, come out of his room, etc) and they feared for his safety. He has NEVER forgiven my husband or his mother for sending him there and once she became old and infirm his 'revenge' seemed to come out. But without physical abuse, and without her being willing to upset him by backing him down or allowing my husband and I to help him do so, we finally had to get to the point where when she complained about him, we repeated the mantra "Mom, when you are ready to stop taking this, you can come live with us/down here where we are". It upset my husband so much to hear what his brother said and did, but for me, it got really aggravating that once she got it off her chest with us, she was back to defending him.
He forced her into a really dreary, smelly nursing home (she had plenty of money to pay for something better but there was nothing in her town that was nice and she didn't want to leave). It sounds sort of callous, but there are no victims in this case, only volunteers. If you repeatedly hear how back it is but a person with the presence of mind to change it won't, all you can do is say "I love and support you and if you want to make these changes, let me know and I'll help". And then quit beating yourself up.
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Do not sit back and allow this any longer! Please do all of the above. Your brother has absolutely no right or excuse to do this. My sister is verbally abusive to my mom as well as her friends and in-laws, and she and everyone she is connected to has been "put out." Even my niece now ignores my mother and action has been taken. My sister has had issues since she was a kid that she has never dealt with, and they are HER problem, she is old enough to pull herself together and CUT IT OUT. Everything has been drawn up legally with no leaks or loopholes, so my mom and I are both protected from any of these antics my sister and/or anyone of her capi may try to pull on us. I would strongly suggest you do the same.
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Dear Slpholly—
BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!
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Get an order of protection for both your father and yourself. Have the locks changed on your father's home. Don't speak to your brother on the phone or in person. Write him a letter explaining that you are protecting him from committing a crime and possibly going to jail. Reassure him that you are trying to do the best thing for your father and that you are not interested in any financial gain. Tell him that he is too angry to take care of anyone and that he needs to ask your father's forgiveness for the way he has treated him. My prayers are with you and your family.
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FIRST call the police & request a welfare check, let your brother know you mean biz! The very next moment, call APS. And yes, drive down to check on your father-take pix, video [discreetly] if necessary. My thoughts & prayers are w/you.
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call Adult protective Services.they will send out a social worker
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Go talk to an attorney and get some legal help for this situation. At this point thats all you can do.
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