I have tried for 10 years to get my brother and sister to help with my mother who is very physically disabled. In the past 3 years, it has gotten much worse, and they seem unaffected. She has almost died many times, and I have been the only one there for her. I have always helped with her shopping, cleaning, etc. Recently, she had a very serious neck injury (chronic spinal cord compression) which made her mobility almost zero, and she became incontinent. I changed her diapers, fed her, did laundry, shopping, held her when she cried, everything. All I asked my brother and sister to do was to call her 1 or 2 times per week to keep her spirits up... they could not even manage to do that! She had the surgery, almost died, but did make it through. She is slowly getting a little better, but has been in a nursing home for quite some time. I am moving her to assisted living near me when she gets out. I have asked my brother and sister to help me many times with cleaning out and moving her apartment items. They continue to ignore my emails, texts and phone calls, or make amazing excuses. I have fully given up on my brother and sister to help physically, and really need them to help financially. I keep asking for help, but they keep avoiding me. My new plan is to do everything, and to start keeping receipts and billing them for each and every thing I pay out for my mother. I am tempted to start billing them for a portion of my caregiving hours just to prove a point to them. I have started keeping a log of exactly what I do, and how many hours I help her because I am not sure they know exactly how much I do for her.
I truly hate my brother and sister, and when my mother passes, I am going to let them know just how much I hate them. I am only being nice to them out of consideration for my mother at this point. I can't wait to tell them how much I hate them for putting me through 10 years of ABSOLUTE HELL.
I am so sorry to hear everything you have been through. I know you were incredibly selfless and caring for your mum. I'm so sorry how your siblings have let you down and hurt you.
I know some parents believe the money should be split regardless. And yet others believe the child that has done more deserves more. Its so hard to discuss these things openly.
I'm so sorry all of us have had such trying times with our siblings. And experienced so much hurt.
Thinking of you.
"and now WE INHERIT equally!"
Do you expect your sibs to give up their inheritance to give to you, since you were Mom's caregiver? Or part of their inheritances?
No, it is not fair that you get nothing for all your time and money. But why aren't you also mad at your mother? Why did she take advantage of you and not attempt to compensate you for all that you did (and that your sibs refused to do)?
More and more, I think people shouldn't agree to caregiving unless compensated in some way by the parent. And the compensation should be in the here and now, and not promised in some future inheritance (which might be taken away if the parent ends up in a facility on Medicaid).
Zero help or understanding from my 5 siblings.
Unfourtunatly they will be who they are and it is impossible to change them.
Forget about them. Your just using up energy on somthing which sadly is very very very very common.
One sibling does everything while the others do nothing and have no idea what you do as a carer and maybe not even care. Sorry but this is just reality.
Its my reality and ive just come to except it as much as it makes me furious and feel unapreciated.
I'm sorry your going through this. Wish i could help.
I started visiting once a week to take her to lunch, but her health started declining and it turned into twice a week and then three times. I did all her grocery shopping, laundry, and meal preparation on the days I visited. Plus, during the summer, I was mowing and maintaining her 1 acre property. All by myself and while I was working full time. I have two brothers who live within 150 miles and they never once offered to help. It was always one excuse after another - and the one brother calls my mom no fewer than 3 times a day - every day. The other brother is useless.
I am since retired and newly married, but mom was dumped in my lap - with nobody asking me if it was ok - after several falls over a couple of weeks. Took her to ER by ambulance because my husband and I could not get her up from the floor. Got the hospital to admit her and she went to rehab.
I was hopeful that this would be the event that could keep her in the nursing home, but they released her after 17 days because that’s all Medicare would pay for. She was in no way ready to go home. So I had no choice than to bring her home with me.
She’s been here two months and gets PT twice a week, but she has the beginning stages of dementia and so there is that now.
There is always excuses from my brothers and it’s months between times that I can take my mom up to leave her for a visit - just to give me a break. Because of a government program he is in, he is not allowed to have anyone stay with him for more than a week at a time. We used to be very close, but I am finding that I am extremely resentful that this has all been thrown in my lap.
My new husband and I had planned on doing some traveling after he retired in September 2017, but all of this started in November and now we can’t go anywhere or plan anything together.
It isn’t fair and I’m damned mad about it!!!
I’m afraid that now mom has a place to live, Medicaid will not approve a nursing home without another health event.
Im in same boat. I had a top job while my sister was not working for several yrs. She was staying at my mums house. As my mum alz was declining she refused to assist. I hired helpers but she would bully and boss them around and sometimes fire them. One day my mum called me in office and told me sister left to airport and shes alone. i asked where helper was. she said sister fired her weeks ago. i was forced to quit my job. Im my mum care giver for 6 yrs in her home, while my sister galvants on vacation to europe. she shows up without warning then leaves with a few hours notice. im soooo disgusted by her BS. My life is hell, my extended family stopped calling few yrs back because wen they invited me to a event party i told them it was too dificult with my mum in wheelchair, since then everyone has turned their backs. if i try to call them, its an answer machine and sometimes its a call back 3 weeks later type thing. im so upset that i have gone thru life giving, attending, supporting and caring for my siblings and extended family and now that im desperate for help no one gives a damn.
i just dont understand my family.
I am reading this to see how common the situation with siblings not helping is. I do feel a bit better seeing it’s not just my family! I am one of 9 and have been caring for my mother for over 2 years ( she moved in with me and my husband)
The first year we had a revolving door and our weekends weren’t our own. As people came they would ask “ what can I do? Do you need help.” We have asked for help in different ways and noticed the visiting got less and less! After many suggestions and attempts I had a family meeting ( did not go well) it seems my husband and I are vilified for having Mom and because we asked for help, 2 won’t even come to my house to visit or take her out ,and 2 others condone this by letting them know when she is at their homes so they can visit Mom there! Thank God I have a few good ones I can count on , but because my mother is living with us most falls on us .
I have a very hard time understanding how they think! She raised all of us, and if it was one of them she was living with I would be so thankful and appreciative! I certainly would never abandon them or my mother and do all I could to help.
I thank God for my husband who is truly my better half❤️
He has done more for my mother then any of my siblings in the past 2 years! And when I am feeling down and hurt by them he makes me realize they aren’t worth the space they take up . He keeps me grounded by asking me to remember “ who are you doing this for?”
for my situation,none is even helping and i was the one that always get shouted and angry with....always looking after her with nobody helping...
When my grandparents were aging, my mother DID NOT HELP. The burden of their care was mostly on my uncle (her brother).
Top this with my mother thinks the sun rises and sets with my brother and his wife. He's a lawyer, so smart, blah blah blah.
I am angry and bitter that out of the four of us, I am the only one that can be bothered to help care for her. It is not convenient, takes significant time, and I am frustrated.
There's my rant and vent. Thanks for listening.
I am the only daughter, and the only local child. I was expected to do for my mother, told I didn't do much, that my time wasn't worth anything, etc. One brother in particular (interestingly, the "black sheep" while growing up) is the Golden Boy. I call him Sonny-No-Show, because he's gone years between visits to see first our parents and now just my mother. One time I suggested that he do some useless research my mother demanded before getting a more advanced life alert button...I was screamed at that HIS time was more valuable than MINE. My mother was furious at me that I would even SUGGEST that he do something.
My older brother is now retired (as his wife). His wife told me that they would not be involved in any caregiving (more frequent visits), because my parents made the decision for them (brother and SIL) to not be involved when my parents moved to my state (and no, I never asked them to move to be near me; they wanted to escape high-taxation NY).
Now of course this brother and SIL will be the ones to take in HER mother, if/when the time comes. Never mind that this mother signed away the rights to a huge piece of property (with a lake) to the only son and his wife (who is now separated from the son). She cut her four daughter out of inheriting that property. So why isn't the mother going to live with the only son?
My mother told me that, "You don't pay family." That's HER belief. But you also don't make one family member do more and then tell them their time is worthless and insist ad nauseum that the trust will be divided four ways (I have three brothers).
Too bad, Mom...one of my brothers now controls the trust, and he is paying me for my time now, PLUS back pay, at an agreed-upon hourly rate. And you will never know. The trust WILL be divided equally four ways, which is what you insisted upon.
Your mother is blessed to have you as her child & appreciates everything you do for her. One day when you’re siblings realize it, it will be too late for them. Xoxo
are gone it truly sucks. :(
I can relate to caregivers who have siblings who won't help with their parents. I helped to take care of my inlaws for years. I did have more availability because I was also a stay-at-home mom to three kids as well as living the closest. Like a lot of the people on here, it started off as small ways to help and then grew as their needs grew.
My brother in law is a real source for frustration for me. He flat out refused to help his parents. He lives about 45 min away but couldn't be relied on to help them. When they asked to mow the yard, he told them "I'm not your maid and I'm not your yard boy. When I come, I just want to come visit."
My in-laws moved four times in twelve years as their needs changed. Not once did my BIL help pack or show up on moving day (and, yes, he was aware of what was happening as was asked to help). I did the majority of their packing each time - not a very fun way for me or my kids to spend our summers.
I can't tell you how many times my BIL had a week of vacation and no one knew about it until it was over. He didn't tell anyone ahead of time because "he had things he needed to get done." The man has six weeks of vacation a year and still couldn't find time to help his aging parents.
When my FIL was dying, my BIL didn't come see him until he had lost consciousness hours before he died. My husband had been telling him for days that the end was near and he needed to come see his dad. I was at the hospice with my kids the night before he passed and overheard the last phone conversation between my FIL and BIL. It was an unpleasant call because my FIL was hard of hearing and disliked talking on the phone. After a minute or two, my FIL basically hung up the phone in frustration. The kids and I went on to have a great visit with him - a wonderful last memory for us all.
My MIL lived with us for the last two years of her life and I was her primary caregiver. She had a lot of health issues but still had her mind. My BIL would come about once every six weeks for a few hours, sit on her couch and play on his phone. She was part of the problem because she rarely asked him to help her and hid how poorly she was feeling.
While she was with us, she spent two months in the hospital/rehab. My BIL had to be the one to get her from rehab, bring her home and wait with her for about four hours until we got home. Within minutes of our arrival, he was telling my husband "She can't be left alone. Someone needs to be with her at all times. Someone needs to make her breakfast, lunch, and dinner." When my husband asked him what he was going to do, the BIL replied, "She lives with you. She's your responsiblity." My husband kicked him out.
We decided to move again and my husband and I were busy packing ourselves and renovating the new house to accommodate her needs (widening doorways, building a ramp, etc). In the months leading up to the move, I went through a lot of my MIL's possessions with her to decide what she didn't want/need anymore and packing what we could. The week before the move, my MIL asked my BIL to help her pack the remaining stuff. He told her, "I'm 54 years old and my packing and moving days are over. You need to find someone else to help you." That really hurt my MIL. She spent the next day in tears - stressed about her health, stressed about the move, etc. I took her to the hospital the day after that.
Her friends from church came over and had her packed in one day - and their average age is 70.
My MIL passed away a few weeks later and, honestly, I am relieved for her.
My issue is how to deal with the BIL now. We really only see him for holidays but I could easily never see/speak to him again. My husband is a bigger person and doesn't want to cut him off.
So, to those who have cut off siblings, how is that going for you now? Are you happier? Missing your sib?
Thanks
Thanks for letting me vent.
So, my other question to caregivers is for advice on how siblings can help when they can't be around for the day-to-day stuff.
Thanks