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We all have different lives and different reasons for doing what we do. I live 800 miles from my mother. I can already see that my brother will resent me because he lives 6 miles from mom and as he has said before, "I will end up taking care of her".

That said, they have excluded me from all decision making, all financial power, all family secrets, everything. So what do they expect? This is what THEY have done not me.

And no I will not take care of mom. She has told too many lies for me to stick my,hand in that snake pit.

So my point is we all have different scenarios. And there is no reason for a child to be forced to personally care for parent if their gut tells them it is just not going to work.
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I struggle with this topic, and just recently sent off a 6 page letter to my older brother, in reaction to his intentions to weekly get updates from direct contact with my disabled brother, without any plan for updates from me. Meanwhile, I designed, found, implemented and continuously tweak my brother's care plan, so that it continues to work for him. I feel this delegation of care is cultural, and male values (even those supported by or copied by females) were focused on youth and financial productivity, leaving nurturing functions to others: to the Catholic Church, to nannies, to governesses in Anglo countries - even to mothers. What we learn when we realize that elder care has similarly been assumed to be delegatable - and that those who take it on, are doing it by their "choice" - I think we need a new view - that it's the task of humankind, men and women, to talk and design systems that support the fragile times of all life on the planet. And the best way to do that, includes learning to support those involved in nurturing, caring and teaching - not argue away from the action, about what is needed. I've seen family caring systems as a family business - agendas and proposals should be expected and shared - whatever is needed to move care away from the easy option of simple dismissal which leads to ignorance, for new issues evolve as needs or resources change. One thing that would make it all work better, is a better understanding that everyone involved is not expected to offer the same actions, and that abilities change over time. People not usually involved, do not know the same details as those who do, so when they step in, many things can go wrong. So some family members could help just by designing forms for ongoing communication, with the basic understanding firmly in place, that the local care manager/provider - is giving up other options in their life, to cover a responsibility that belongs to a family not one person. Thus, some level of support for that person, would also help reduce their isolation that is part of care managing - and also note the financial loss, and plan whatever strategy is needed for other to contribute something (like hire a financial planner, to help a carer with immediate bookkeeping, and a slow plan to save for their own retirement. Hire a book-keeper; hire a home organization helper for the caregiver, 4 times a year. Pay for their car repair. Pay for a painter to refresh one room a year. Do SOMEthing that helps the caregiver feel their nuturing insights, which are needed on some level by the fragile member, even in murky situations of mutual needs - that their commitment to nurturing is valued and part of a family goal.
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My mother passed 3 years ago and my brother does charity events in her name which he advertises widely. Shame he never had the time to help when she was alive. Didn't have time to help with her dementia, her being doubly incontinent, needing a hip replacement, general health, social and financial help. It is such a shame that I loved him so much when we were growing up and we were friends as teenagers and in our twenties. I have only seen him at family weddings and funerals in the last four years. I still hate him for how he treated my mum and how he left me and my other brother to cope for years with her. I can never forgive him. He has to live with himself and if he has an ounce of decency he will realise that he could have done more, well anything really. I wish you all good luck.
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I had a stroke in January and still no help from siblings so im done i want out now tonight was bad i just cant do this anymore. Mum is getting more and more aggressive and i cant bear it. ive noone to call or talk to now and im sick with worry as this is it time for a home i love her to bits but cant be here and be abused its too much ill never make her happy not matter what i do shes not easy to care for so why bother its all abuse and hateful stuff she needs professional help this is getting worse and yes right now i hate my so called F.A.M.I.L.Y i dont even know what a family is anymore its like i dont have one.
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Like I said I try my darnedest to move on regarding my siblings but then I hear about what they are doing socially with their own families and I regress back.. I have a husband and grown children too who I would like to spend time with...
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I thought: "At least Julie Bell gets 'amazing' excuses. I get really pathetic ones."

One brother had to finish off decorating the bathroom. And start decorating a bedroom. So he hadn't any time. He would quite literally rather watch paint dry than visit his mother.

The other brother booked a time-share holiday "ages ago" and didn't realise it clashed with our mother's 90th birthday. I don't know how far in advance you have to book a time share, but mother's event has been in the diary for 90 years.

I will say this for my sister: she never, ever makes excuses. She says "no." And THAT I can respect.

But this is what makes me sad: where did my three siblings, all brought up in the same family as me, get the message that spending time with your elders is an ordeal to be avoided as far as humanly possible, rather than a natural part of a well-rounded life? I don't expect them to be down here every week, in fact I'd go mad if they were; but I can't understand what they're so afraid of that they can't schedule her in, say, every three months or so. How hard can it be to come and eat lunch?
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I forgot to mention all of my siblings live within a 45 minute drive from my mom. I'll tell you what makes me sick is my mom still has them in her will. I am POA for finances and medical and the sister who comes every two months shares the executive duties with me. I don't expect mom to leave everything to me, but their share should go to a charity, not them!
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Sallie, no. What she leaves her children is about whether she is a loving mother, not about whether they are deserving children.

If they have enough integrity, perhaps they'll make a donation. But if they had that sort of integrity, they'd see a bit more of their mother, wouldn't they? You just have to let this one go.
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I'm tired of "letting it go".. I have to let my Mom's daily behavior/attitude go because she is sick. I don't have to let my hurt feelings for my useless siblings go..
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I dont care about wills and things they can get what they like because when mum dies they will be sorry and ill be having a life and will not give a hoot what theyve been up to ill be so f.kin busy!
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I know my mom is leaving them money because she loves them even though they don't show any interest in her, but I bet when she goes they'll love spending her money and trying to get stuff from her house. I told my husband when my mother goes he'll have to hold me back if they come near me. I swear the first one who cries in front of me and says they wish they did mire for her is going to get punched in the mouth!
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"Here, here" Sallie! You go girl! I feel the same way! My husband and kids know how I feel about my siblings so they know to stay out of the way..
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Trillion i have never heard anything so hypocritical in my entire life? are you hes really putting the money to good use?

I cant believe this what on earth does he even know about the disease?
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Kazzza, he is raising money for an Alzheimer's charity, have seen him in the newspaper. I suppose that is his way of coping and it is good for the charity, but if you knew him it is more about him looking good and doing sporting events that he would have done anyway.

My mum would ring me up and ask when he was going to visit but he was too busy. He would pop and see her on mothers day for 10 minutes and then go off and take his mother-in-law out for lunch while my mum used to ask me why he would never take her out. He would only care about what looked good to other people. I was so angry for many years as I couldn't cope with my own life being a single mum and building a career and trying to look after my mum, not just for a few months but for years. But now she has gone I feel privileged that I spent time with her, I got her help for her physical health problems, I cleaned up after her, washed her, got help from social services, sorted out her finances, took her out for Sunday lunch or made her dinner every Sunday, took her on holiday with me, went to all of her doctor appointments with her. He is a fake. Now after years of being single I have more time to start a relationship and the heavy weight of caring for a sick mother is off my shoulders but I can and will never forget how he behaved.
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* I can't and will never forget
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Hate is such a strong word; I don't hate my siblings but I've sure had times of anger, resentment, abandonment, bitterness, loneliness etc. What fascinates me, and breaks my heart is that my Mom doesn't have any issues with it. She is always excited and thrilled to talk with them when they do manage to come by. Granted, they are all getting up in years and have health issues of their own, but heck a "thanks Sis" would be nice. My brother tries to be encouraging but my sister has only criticized, berated and slandered me my whole life. Yet Mom lights up like a Christmas tree when she hears from one of them. She barely acknowledges that I'm alive, only frowns, she must think it's all done magically. She manages to tell the lady who bathes her weekly that she loves her each week. I haven't heard that in a long while. In her defense though, I do tend to find somewhere else in the house to go to when I see her coming down the hall.

But do I hate my siblings, no, things have just turned out the way they have turn out. I don't like my sister's personality and wouldn't befriend her if she were a stranger, we just wouldn't get along, but I won't intentionally mistreat her. If she has a problem with me, she just needs to take it up with Someone bigger than both of us.

Rambling I know, thinking out loud I suppose.
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Trillion i know how you must feel my brother is the same he pops up and does bits in the garden BUT NEVER spends time with mum. he cannot handle her and gets stressed out within minutes? he never imagines what its like for me 24/7 then we will hear how hes been all over with his wife and never has he bothered to even take mum for lunch. BUT god help you if you say a bad word about him to my mum?? this really gets my goat dementia or not im here caring for her.

Gosh what a "great guy he is". Let it go and forgive him you did the right thing and you can live with that he will get his!!!
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It is an odd situation with siblings. My youngest brother lived off my mother for years. She paid all his bills and then asked me to pay them. He is a healthy handsome grown man that is capable of working for a living but why should he, she paid all his bills. My older sister holds on too past crap. My sister loves to bring up bad things and holds on to them like they are gold. She has not called or visited my mother in over 5 years. My older brother in just stuck on his Iphone and his wife does all the mother work for him. I thank God everyday that I have her. She does the 'pretty' things for my mom like buying her nice clothes or help decorating her room. I don't worry about the siblings and their help anymore. They will have to pay the price at the end. I am happy that I have this special time with my mother. When my mother first went into the Nursing home I stayed with her for a month. We stayed up late and watched 'Gone with the wind' and talked and laughed. The doctors told me she was going to die in a couple of weeks but she got stronger and stronger. I spoon fed her and told her jokes and took her outside for fresh air. Stronger and better each day, that was almost 3 years ago. I get more interest in my mother's well being from my cousins that live 1000 miles away and only saw my mother when they were young. I just think anytime I spend with my mother is blessed time.
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Daughter of4,
Girl I hear you loud and clear. I have 4 siblings and only one is in the picture once every two months out of guilt. Special days come and go and no phone calls or visits from any of them. I love having my mom close and know she loves having me as her main caregiver. They will pay in the end with guilt and we will sleep well at night. Stay strong :)
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I totally agree w/ what Jeanne said & a lot of what some of the others said, too. Before your mom was in every conversation w/ your siblings, what did each of you talk about? If you can NOT have a conversation w/o her name coming up--you have basically given up at a relationship that used to work. It didn't turn to hate by itself. I'll bet it was fine before its focused changed to "mom". When mom is gone you may again feel the need for your family and want to hate them for not being there. Your one-on-one relationship w/ each of your siblings is still in tact somewhere in the past. You've neglected it so long, but it's still there. Try this. Begin w/ each conversation and say, " We will NOT say the word 'Mom' or make any inference to her in this conversation". You will not BELIEVE how difficult this actually is! Seriously, Try it. When the conversation begins to steer back to "Mom", end it immediately! Don't get discouraged. Keep trying. It takes a lot of practice. (Especially from the sole care-giver). If they want to know how mom is doing, they will have to see for themselves or talk to her themselves. She may give a whole other story! I know my dad does! Remember that no one truly knows what you go through, but you. You want to share this burden w/ your sibs. I understand that. But their individual relationships w/ Mom exist too. Even when we don't understand why they won't help us the way we want them to, try not to judge them. No one knows enough about anyone to know their heart! Let God be the judge & be glad it doesn't have to be you! One by one, letting go of hate, judging, the lists (which will seem petty & not reflect the truth you want to reveal), etc. Hold onto anything positive & try, try, try to LET THE REST GO! It is going to be tough at first. But, you have a family worth saving. Don't be the one who says, "I hate my brother", then speaks of love for mother. It hurts to be hated. Vent to us, but don't say those words to them---you can't take them back! Love is difficult, but hate will not satisfy you--it will destroy anything positive in your life& make things far worse. I'm so glad that you shared. So, many of us have felt the same way many times. But, you are too good of a person and have done too much good in your life to let anything detract from this truth. I hope you keep posting, so you can vent away when you feel "fed up" and we can help you get through this together. You've been doing so much and I can see that. Please, let me know how it is going, okay? blou
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Trillion my Dad passed in 2001. Every year since then my brother has a golf tournament in his memory ( my father NEVER not once in his life played golf) which my other siblings along with my Mom's grandchild play in it..

My Mom is still alive! She had lived with me since my Dad died and none of them call her or visit...

Don't tell me not to judge them! There actions speak for themselves!!!
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Assandache 7 I really do think that this doing something public makes them feel like they are doing something to show themselves and the world that they care but if they really cared they would help! I think in their minds they don't even think about the one who is doing the caring. I am sure my brother thought I was born with extra skills...I certainly wasn't born with the skills to clean up her poo when she first pooed herself on the hall way floor and I had to clean it up and wash her. You just have to live with yourself and they will have to live with their own actions. I am thinking of you and your mum x
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This is a question I have, do you actually need to tell them that she passed? Kind of in the same boat, but one sibling has a brain disorder, and will die within the next year.... So, is it necessary to say anything about a parent passing? If they don't call, it's their way to cope i suppose......so why tell them about something drastic like this? If they cannot cope with the truth of living...... I don't know...Just asking...what is right? They don't call, do they understand or care?
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Don't hate them.... They are not around they don't understand.....Do what you need to do, don't worry about siblings......They can figure it out later.........

That's where I am at for the time......
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ilovemom im sorry but i think they understand alot more than we think and thats why they are clever enough to stay away.
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Kazza, I Think You are right....Life is learning, and still am.....
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Sometimes siblings just suck plain and simple. I'm so disgusted with mine I'm at the point whenever I meet anyone new if they ever ask about my family I say I'm an only child. It's easier to say that than to show them how truly broken hearted and hurt I am over this situation. Really when you think of it I am like an only child. I handle all of the Dr's visits, all of the bills, all of the phone calls from the ALF, making sure med's are supplied, taxes, you name it I'm doing it, everything pertaining to my Mom's life and well being I am it. My Mom knows I am the one constant she can count on. I can't imagine how hard it is to be old and losing your memory, it breaks my heart how my Mom is struggling with this and it sickens my stomach on a daily basis how insensitive and selfish my sibling is. My sibling pops in for once a week visits, if even at that, has no patience, can't be bothered, is "so busy" its disgusting, answers phone calls only when its convenient. What can you posssibly have going on in your life that you can't take time for your Mom? You only have one. There isn't a job in the world which would justify ignoring a parent. The only consolation I have at the end of the day is that I am doing the very best I can by my Mom and when she is no longer here I will have no guilt. I have given her 110 %. Karma is a bitch and I just pray it doesn't destroy my sibling when it visits, as it always does. As angry and as hurt as I am I am a firm believer in that you get what you put out in the world. I know I'm putting out good energy by being there for my Mom. No regrets. Just embarrassed with the shame I feel for having a sibling who is more concerned with their own well being and own happiness than that of their family. It's heartbreaking and depressing on so many levels.
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spouse and I are dealing with 3 geriatrics...'teh conversation goes like this....what did our parents do? They left the East Coast moved away from their aging parents and made home in the west.....Our parents, all 4, did not deal directly with their parents aging...it was put on smeone else....Now here we are making sure they are taken care of......All my cousins stuck around to take care of their grandma, and their aging parents. All 4 of them gave eachother support...Wish my sibinlings could do that....Got to focus om my 12 yearl old...Doing really well in school and extremely independant.....they have to be. I dpnt them them time.....
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Im 41, and I have been assisting and taking care of my Mother longer than it took her to raise me. She's not well-- this has been difficult especially after my Dad died from cancer over 10 years ago and I just don't know if she can continue to stay in her home. The finances are not available and I'm exhausted. Yet, The thoughts of putting her in a rest home makes me cry.
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Surprise surprise that family isn't all it's cracked up to be...I had a younger sister who died at 51 from breast cancer and I'm the only one to care for my 93 yo mom..but the fact is I doubt if my sister lived she would have helped me anyway even though she lived with my mother till she was 35 stockpiling all her earnings while my mother was in her 70s still working..then she moves in with her soon to be husband who takes every cent she saved , and they move in with his own widowed father to care for him, except it's my brother in law who quits his job and sits home for 7 years with his father till he dies, while my sister is working...they end up losing his fathers home afterwards anyway having morgaged it to the hilt..
All in all my sister didn't have much of life but it's what she chose..children brought up in the same house sure do turn out different don't they?
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