Since behavioral unit called me yesterday saying they will discharge her on Monday, mom has called ranting and threatening to hurt me.
This is the same 76 yr old woman who six months ago walked a mile from her house to get away from killers, drove her car into a ditch trying to escape killers on another occasion, calls police to save her several times a day, then recently ran out onto 60mph highway screaming at the sky and trying to send signals by reflecting the sun, because a voice told her to do it.
She has been in hospital behavioral unit (voluntarily admitted) for almost 2 weeks. Doctor says she charmed the social workers. He said the highway screaming was because she was taking prescribed xanax and he took her off it 2 weeks ago. (I've listed all her meds in previous posts.) He administered 2 Montreal tests during her hospital stay. She scored 19 of 30 on one, and 24 of 30 on another. He said the wrong answers were all short term memory related.
His diagnosis was early Alzheimers, 8 to 10 years. He and the social worker had a conference call with me yesterday and said she could be released Monday if she had 24/7 supervision at home. (She lives alone.) I said okay I'll try to find sitters, and I'll be at her house myself the first couple of days after she is released.
In the 24 hours since that conversation, I have struck out with the big senior care companies and with local (small rural town) sitters. They can sit with her 4 hours on one day, 6 hours on another, etc. I CANNOT LIVE WITH HER AND I WILL NOT BRING HER INTO THE ONE BEDROOM HOME I live in with my husband.
Today (Saturday) she called me, super-angry, saying they won't let her out, they are raping her over and over, they are recording her, she said she does not have dementia and there's nothing wrong with her, the hospital is paying me to keep her there, she says I am evil and I had better get my big fat ass up there and pick her up. She was enraged.
When she hung up on me, I called back and they let me speak to the nurse on duty. Nurse said she had been confused last night and all day today. I told the nurse I have been unable to secure 24/7 sitters, and I NEED the doctor to do something because I cannot care for her. The nurse said they will revisit the situation.
A few minutes later, mom called and left a message saying "you better send someone bigger than you because I will hurt you."
Thank God it's recorded for proof.
SO WHAT DO I DO NOW?
If her house and car were sold, she could add that to her cash savings and she could afford eight years in a nice memory care facility. But she's too crazy to manage her assets, and too sick to know she's sick. I am not POA, and I would frankly rather stay out of it. I have been in remission from major depression for almost 9 years. They can't make me pick her up Monday, right? I am actually scared of her now. Do you think they'll release her under her own care? Her house is 20 yards from the 60mph highway in Nowheresville.
I wonder what will happen.
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The most precious thing in this world is time! Once you lose time, you can never get it back! I'm learning to guard my time! Every threat laden phone call has robbed you of valuable time! The second most precious thing you are being robbed of is peace of mind!
How do you correct this and keep it from happening? DO NOT get involved! Your new mantra can be "not my responsibility"! When you are asked by anyone to do something or asked about what should they do, use your new mantra! Make it clear that she's not your responsibility and she is not to contact you in any way! After that, say nothing other than your mantra! We are groomed to be servants and victims so you may feel guilty at times, but stick to your mantra!
If anybody else spoke to you that way, what would you do? Would you tolerate it? Then why would you tolerate it from her? If she's capable of "charming" the social worker, that shows a level of control! You deserve respect and it's not your responsibility! Good luck and God bless! 😊
Has the social worker found suitable placement for your mom? I hope so.
When I gave birth to my first child, my roomate was a lovely lady named Rosie. She had a healthy baby boy but she had developed bloodclots and was bedbound and on an IV for several days.
A social worker showed up one morning and said "Rosie, it is time for your baby to be released. He is healthy and needs to go home". (I.e., insurance wasn't going to pay any longer).
Rosie started screaming loud enough in Spanish AND English that the SW scurried out. Rosie got on the phone and moments later, her (and my) pediatrician appeared and told her not to worry, that the baby of a lactating mother wasn't going anywhere without his food source.
Social workers don't make these decisions. The good ones explain who is pressuring them to make bad decisions and work with the patient, family and medical team to make a good outcome happen. The bad ones act officious and deliver bad news.
Push back with that broken record!!
I need that sometimes so my eyes will stop bugging out. Back to calm.
You & Sis are doing great. The twin broken records: Unsafe home alone. Sis saying 'Get with the rest of the team, SW'. Excellent.
"We just want her SAFE & COMFORTABLE" you said.
THIS. Make that another broken record - a golden broken record. Over & over.
It is keeping Mother's care the priority - front & centre. (The hospital can deal with blocked hospital beds, insurance etc that's their job).
The bottom line is the hospital currently has Duty of Care. They must provide safe transfer to a safe environment.
Hello.
The people you are dealing with are not playing with a full deck. Unfortunately, they too have been through the Covid Pandemic for a year, just like all of us. That means they are vulnerable to misinterpretations, miscommunication, and stress.
They will sort this out, and must do these things carefully, legally, and in the best interests of the patient, your mother. They must (even the Social Worker)
must follow the doctor's orders. I could be wrong.
Patient's have rights. Anyone facing having their rights taken from them in any way is entitled to a lawyer. Your mother must have her own lawyer. Not one who works for you, not one who works for the hospital or facility.
Yes, a Social Worker can recommend a lawyer, but not one that is associated with her practice, or the facility's practice. Your sister can also recommend a lawyer for your mother, because she Mom will need one. Mom can hire any lawyer.
The patient's rights advocate (contact posted at the facility) should see your Mom right away. That person can recommend a lawyer for your mom. To protect her rights, she needs to be seen.
I am not sure, but if a person cannot take care of themselves, there may be a temporary guardianship or conservator until Mom is deemed better.
Take a deep breath, and look closely. You are heading towards a panic attack because of what a Social Worker told you. Because of what someone said. Which may or may not be true. Another deep breath. Breathe normal now.
Got it?
Can social worker recommend a lawyer to be POA?
Nurse in behavioral unit spoke to my sister yesterday and said mom has been so worked up and angry she's been assigned her own nurse to keep her calm. Nurse also told my sister that they have a whole team of people working on finding safe placement for mom, and it will be the best thing for her. My sister said, "Thank goodness, because as your team knows, we were not able to secure 24/7 care for her. We have to work and she would be home alone." The nurse reassured my sister that we won't have to transfer her either. She recommended that we wait to talk to mom after she has gotten settled.
Today, a social worker who works in the same unit with the same nurses, called my sister and said, "It's time to start release proceedings." She told my sister that I had agreed to provide 24/7 in-home care in mom's house.
I had said I would TRY TO FIND 24/7 CARE. I failed. There are NO sitters that can be there more than a few hours here and there. I talked to a nurse in the unit on Sunday and told her that. I also sent an email to the director of the unit on Sunday with all the broken record, "unsafe discharge, home alone, no power over mom's finances" talk.
So today my sister told the social worker to get on the same page as the rest of the "team". The social worker said "I will check your mom's insurance and get back to you tomorrow."
What does THAT mean?
She has Medicare and Anthem, plus she has enough savings and property to pay for 7 years in memory care BEFORE medicaid even has to show up.
We just want her SAFE AND COMFORTABLE, but my sister and I can't get mom to work with US on using her savings or selling her house or living anywhere besides her home, because she is confused and paranoid with alzheimers.
I need to lay down. What a roller coaster.
Keep practicing those scripts. Cause you may need them, if not now, then for the future.
Good for you for keeping your boundaries! I’m cheering for you!
Hoping your Mom recovers enough to be placed in a safe place.
One suggestion is a Board & Care home for mentally ill. She can live there under supervision, and some will administer meds.
It is a common occurrence for certain mental illnesses to 'break through' their medication and have bizzarre incidents like your Mom. It takes some time to get the meds right, complicated by dementia.
So sorry this is happening, and that the very ill person you knew as Mom is making threats to you. It is good that your sister will be taking the calls.
Just want you to know others are reading, watching out for you.
Practice these words:
"I cannot possibly do that".
You can also say to Mom if she gets through: "Mom, your behavior has crossed a line, get it together or no one will be coming to pick you up, ever!" Then, hang up. Sometimes, tough love coming from the right person may shock them into trying harder to change their behavior(s).
You may have considered rolling up in a ball, fetal position, grocery store.
You cannot afford doing that, and may end up with a bed in a behavioral unit, like Mom. But you are not your Mom, have succeeded all these past nine years in remission from depression. Kudos to you! Stand tall, keep walking strong.
You are also strong enough to walk away completely if that is needed for your survival and health.
Please check in with your own doctors and therapist. Consider a day treatment/out patient group therapy for yourself if that is needed to prevent
a relapse, or if you need extra support. Keep coming here, where your friends are. There is no shame in seeking out support. Your husband must be proud of you! If not, I am proud of you, proud that you care, proud that you will be taking care of you!
You can and will survive this!
I see you wrote "I know it's not her. It's the disease." I see this written here a lot. And I always think "that might very well be true, but why does the person writing about this have to be the one to suffer? It's not THEIR fault, either."
Sometimes, bad things happen and it's no one's fault: lightning strikes something and sets it on fire. Act of God, accident, fate, whatever you want to call it. BUT just because it's no one's fault, doesn't mean you have to stick around while the fire rages and get burned. That's why we have professionals, to deal with the "bad things that happen through no one's fault." And in this case, you are doing exactly what you should be. You cannot take on this responsibility. You SHOULD NOT take on this responsibility. This is why we have professionals. If it were easy, we'd all have medical/psychiatric degrees.
It's not your mom's fault. But it's not your fault, either.
"I am NOT responsible for my mother".
Unless you become her guardian, that will be true.
Your parent is an adult and if competent, can make her own arrangements. If NOT competent, the state takes over. NOT YOU.
Do not let anyone, no cop, no social worker, no NOBODY, tell you otherwise, Otherwise!
I want to add that this would be true even if she had been a stellar mother. This is not about your past: this is about her. She had a lifetime to plan for her old age. It simply ISN'T your responsibility.
Thank you so much for your words. If it weren't for the friends on this website I would be in the fetal position on the floor of the grocery store. 💜
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO - !
Next time, you say:
"Oh yes? Great news. Is she able to find 24 hour supervision?"
Or you say the equivalent of mm-hm, uh-huh, or whatever neutral-to-positive zero expression you personally use.
The thing is, the point is, that it's great she's ready for discharge. I'm delighted for her, I'm sure you're all the more so, that she is not ill enough or disabled enough to require inpatient care.
But how, on what planet, does that make YOU responsible for her ongoing care and supervision? You just aren't: you don't have the contacts or the expertise. It's ridiculous, and you ought not to be inveigled in this way into taking responsibility for arranging or supervising services that it is NOT your remit to provide.
I see your update just below, and I am glad that she is being kept safe, and I'm sorry she's had this setback. But you hold tight, and do not attempt to do the professionals' job for them. I know they shouldn't ask, but they will - don't fall for it again. Hugs to you, this too will pass.
Her dementia craziness has been going on for almost ten years. I've driven her to doctors, to stores, dealt with her delusions, handled her bills, managed everything about her husband's death, made modifications to her home, run to her house in the middle of the night to "save" her from hallucinations, spent nights listening to her snore and shout, gotten chewed out by a cop for not being there for her, tried to be her therapist, etc etc..
I can't take another minute of her, and I don't want to be her shoulder to cry on. She tells me I owe it to her because she let me live with her for a few months 20 years ago when I was moving and changing jobs.
I'm 51. I would like to do something for myself. What's an uninterrupted life like?? I do not want to be her POA.
My sister has told me she will handle any calls from the hospital with the "unsafe discharge, we can't provide care" broken record.
It just seems like this will NEVER be resolved. Is there really going to be another 10 years of Alzheimers? Will I always be the ungrateful, evil bad guy? When does the sick, guilty, sad feeling subside?
She lives alone.
Please place her somewhere safe. She will very likely need a Guardian. I decline that role as it will fracture our relationship. Please advice if she is transferred so I can visit.
(My own broken record pre-prepared).
She had only been on the xanax since late January, so her running-wild episodes that seemed like delirium last summer and fall and December were not due to xanax.
I didn't realize "early" Alzheimers was this outrageously crazy. I'm learning an awful lot these days.
She has never lived at our house. She has always lived in her own house.
Become a broken record. "My mother lives alone and has no support at home. She needs a secure placement. She has not granted anyone power of attorney. I think the state should take over her care".
Please have them test her for a UTI.
Ignore her heartbreaking threats. I am so sorry you are going through this.
If they return her to her own home do not go there, and do not allow her to come to your home. If she calls tell her you want no contact with her. Report her to APS as adult in need if need be. Let her call 911 for her needs. Step away from this mess. It is not handle-able.