An individual's health and wellbeing are considered unimportant to society when it comes to elder caregiving, yes? I find that society considers it to be first a woman's (usually a daughter's) job to do the elder caregiving. (I am writing strictly about taking care of a parent of in-law, not a spouse or non-parent relative.)
At the gym the other day, we were discussing shingles and flu shots (I have quite the bruise from my flu shot). We got on the topic of the more potent over-age 65 flu shot, and when I said my mother got one of those, someone asked how old she was. When I replied that she is 91, this older woman said, "She must live with you." I said that will never happen. Then she said, "Then you will have to move in with her." Again I said that will never happen, either. She looked at me and said she only had one more thing to say, and that was that I only had one mother. And then walked away. If she hadn't walked away, I might have snapped out, "And she has FOUR children."
Of course, she'd taken HER mother in (I'd found out previously), and I'm sure it wasn't all unicorns and rainbows. So she can judge everyone else.
I wonder if men are subjected to the same "You must move your mother in or go to live with her" mentality in our society? I think not.
It is brought up on this site that some people aren't cut out to be caregivers. And then the absent siblings are excused from any participation in caregiving. But what if the in-town daughter also feels that she isn't cut out for caregiving an elder? Above is society's expectation. I also admit to some guilt about this. I should be the loving daughter who spends time every day with my mother, even if she affects my emotional health negatively.
I love this site, because many people validate that it is okay for me to put boundaries on my time with my mother and stick to them. Society doesn't do that! (There are people here and there who agree with me, but many in my generation and older do not, unfortunately.)
Ali, the financial subordination and dependency of women is one of the most insidious factors behind tying a woman down to raising children. I think you've hit on the root of a lot of this nonsense about women being the caregiver and having to raise the children.
Fortunately, some men are learning that's not always the best situation, and are now the stay at home husbands and fathers while their wives work, and sometimes earn more money than the men can. As Bob Dylan sang, "The times they are a changin'." And those changes are long overdue.
But there's also the possibility that this is a generational issue as well with MIL. Her generation may still believe that women are the primary care providers. I don't think that generation really is familiar or in tune with the changes in women's rights.
This reminds me of something someone said to me last year. She was adamant that Hillary should not be running, adding that she doesn't feel women should be in politics. Seriously??? She wasn't my friend; she was an acquaintance of my father and called me when she couldn't reach him. After that conversation, I never took her calls again.
No one really has to be trapped by another's desire for care. We do it, and I'm sure others feel trapped as I often do, but the reality is that absent filial obligations case law, we really don't have the obligation to provide care if we don't want to.
I won't deny that I wrestle with this concept periodically, especially with the balance of level of care that I need for myself in order to provide for my father. I think this is always a challenging balance to find.
As I read your post, I thought of PTSD. Although your mother apparently didn't serve in the military, her experience in the nursing home seems to have left an indelible mark.
Perhaps that's what she needs, is some treatment for those events years ago. But it seems that she's married any trauma from then with an apparent sense of obligation by you, and that's not necessarily a treatable concept! She doesn't seem to recognize that you weren't brought into the family to provide long term or end of life care.
I compliment you and respect your decision and efforts to sort out familial obligations and respect yourself as you, and the rest of us should.
And given their financial situation, there's absolutely no justification for entrapping you into caregiving. I've mentioned before how revolted I was when I saw an elder care attorney advise a client how to realign his mother's ample finances so she could get (actually, I'd say "suck off) Medicaid. This repulses me; there are people who really need that help.
And good for you for sharing your story, your challenges, and your determination for self respect and independence.
I've often wondered what I'll do when I'm completely alone, and it is unsettling.
I took care of my Mom cause I adored her not out of obligation. If she had been an obnoxious old bat I wouldn't have. I don't think societies expectations should have anything to do with becoming a caregiver. I do understand that sometimes care homes are not an option because of lack of funds and in these cases people do what they must but I stand firm in my belief that no sense of obligation should dictate what a person does in these circumstances.
The friend we had met in earlier meetings was telling us about her Indian MIL, who also had similar expectations that her DIL would eventually be caring for her. MIL should have accompanied us to the rally and she would become aware that that wasn't going to happen.
I always had dreams of my parents moving in with me... Mom would help with the housekeeping and cooking as she loved doing those things... and Dad enjoyed landscaping and keeping an active "honey-do" list. Thus, I could still maintain my career and have a happy married life.
Yeah, right, then reality struck. Hey, my folks were aging, what happened here???
Being an only child with no children... I had to scramble to be some type of caregiver. In no way, shape or form was I able to be a hands-on caregiver. Not in my DNA. Wasn't in my parents DNA, either, as neither did hands-on care for their own parents.
But I am sure if I had a brother, my folks wouldn't be asking him to help, well he would have a family to take care of. Oh how I remember that excuse whenever I went for a promotion at work, even though I had more education and more seniority.... [sigh].
My Mom was from the very old school... women should not be doctors, Senators, Governors, or even Sports Announcers.... they should be home having babies. Oops, no wonder I felt a cool chill from my Mom.
What is interesting is previewing U.S. Census from the 1880 to 1940's. Very common seeing an elder parent living with one of their grown children... usually a unmarried "spinster" or a daughter who had no children. But core families tend to have remained in the same town/city, and not unusual for siblings to have had 5 to 10 children, so a lot of hands to help out the elderly parents.
It was the mid 80’s to early 90’s and after graduating college with a business degree I pursued a career in retail management. It was a field that came easy to me - bossing people around, shopping and I could sell ice to Eskimos. Sorry - hope that’s not racist these days.
Anyhoo - I was ambitious and chose to put off serious relationships and starting a family of my own as it allowed me to accept transfers - which always came with a promotion.
I can’t tell you the number of holidays I was scheduled to work - as the only manager on duty - because I “didn’t have a family”. This went for more than my fair share of weekend shifts as well.
Hmmm... I didn’t have a family? Just who were those two old people calling themselves my mother and father? My brothers and nephews? The occasional fiancé?
I’m afraid sexism is alive and well - still thriving in the 21st century. It just has a different look.
They just had their contract renewed. The female mentioned on air that her coworker is making $40,000 more than her. He was shocked. He assumed they were making the same pay. Nope, she said. You’re making more. He didn’t think that was fair. So, he said that he will insist on a pay cut to match her pay...
The woman said that feminism would not happen if it weren’t for men willing to side with them.... He said that if he didn’t give himself a pay cut, she would have quit. He didn’t want her to quit.
I see this happen all the time with my friends. It's always the women doing the caregiving work. Sometimes if there are no daughters, it's the daughters-in-law doing all the work. I personally don't know one man (though I'm sure they must be out there somewhere) who does caregiving for his elderly parent(s), outside of a shopping trip or a ride here and there.
The expectation on women that we will just do this stuff is something we need to force change on, just as we've had to force change on women doing all the childcare. I've been seeing lots of articles in my Facebook feed lately on the unpaid emotional labour of women, on top of all the other unpaid labour we do....having to even ASK our brothers and husbands arms to participate in eldercare is part of that emotional labour, but eldercare never gets talked about in those articles. It frustrates me to no end. If I weren't so darned exhausted, I'd certainly be out there fighting for this as a feminist, because it is a gender equality issue. Maybe that's the problem though. We're too exhausted to fight. Sigh.