My spouse's mental issues are making me ill.

I am sorry about not finishing with an upbeat song. Someone else needs to do that. My post wasn't negative, though, just realistic.

Songs?

Answry, your situation saddens me. Life should not be like that. My first husband and I were married for 15 years. I really don't remember when I became passive and he became controlling. I guess things like which one took care of the writing the bills didn't really matter to me. The selfishness began to be obvious when he said that the way we would do the money is that we would go 50/50 on the bills and then each of us would keep whatever was left of our salaries. That sounds like a good theory, but he was making almost twice as much as I was! As I have discovered on my own, there was no budget structure there either: savings, emergency fund, etc. I have a giving nature, so it made me happy on my payday to buy him some little something or take us out to dinner on me. He used his extra money to buy man toys such as: fishing gear, handmade knives, guns, cameras...all top of the line, some just to hang on the wall. He did take us out to dinner on his payday, but somehow a routine seemed to form. On my night, we had all of the courses and a couple of drinks at a nice restaurant; but, on his night, we only had a main course and a drink or hamburgers. His reason was that he was a little short on money. It didn't take long for me to notice how selfish he was. He bought a riding lawn mower. When I said something about a vacuum cleaner, he said if I could afford one I could have it. I will say that he admired my looks. (Ugh! That was almost 30 years and a lot of eating before now! I am happier now, though.) Our problem was the opposite of yours, Answry. Let's just say that he liked for me to wear less clothes when we went out. I was certainly no prude and he had never complained before, but he started wanting me to dress like Daisy Mae. I had lived in the community for a long time and had a job that involved knowing a lot of people, so I refused to do that. I offered to wear anything or nothing within our home, but not in public! Things got more and more tense between us. There were many other situations like yours when I think he was just angry at himself or just angry and took it out on me. I talked to my doctor, who sent me to a specialist. My husband and I had already tried counseling, but he went to one session and said he didn't need it. I continued for awhile, but I got tired of spending money and time trying to figure out a way to please him. I know, of course, it was because I really did love him. My parents had been married since their teens, and I never thought of divorce happening to me. It is hard to think of being 40 y/o and dividing everything you have worked for, including your home. It is like the death of a relationship. During the week of my 40th birthday, he was out of town. He knew how unhappy and depressed I had been, and he had even tried cheering me up. So, I thought, maybe he will mail me a card? Or send flowers? Or call on the day of my BD? None of those happened. When he returned, he threw a hundred dollar bill on the kitchen bar and said, "That's for your birthday." So, the divorce was my gift to myself on my 40th birthday. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me. I looked around and saw people who had been married 50 or 60 years, but hated each other, and decided I didn't want to be among them. Already long story short, if it hadn't happened, I would have missed out on meeting the kindest, sweetest man I've ever known. I would have missed knowing what true love really is. That was 25 years ago. There are 19 years between our ages. I loved him enough not to care, though. I prayed that God would give us 15 years of good health and happiness. He has given us that plus a bonus! Unfortunately, hubby has had some serious health problems during the past two years. That's for another thread. I am thinking, based on the ages of your children, that you are 40ish or less. You are at a crossroads. One day you will wake up and say it isn't worth doing anything about it and you might as well live with him and stay, or you will get yourself together and rid yourself of someone who is making your life miserable. Do some reading on narcissism and toxic relationships. Only you can make your decision. Whichever it is, stay in touch with the people here and let us know how things are going. I wish you all the wisdom and strength in the world. ProfeChari PS I agree with someone who told you not to confront your husband in anger. It sounds as if he has a lot of anger and frustration built up and you don't know how he might react.

Way back when, in a past life, my psychiatrist (when seeing a psychiatrist was fashionable and expensive) said: There are always three choices:
1) Decide yes
2) Decide no
3) Decide to defer the decision to a later time.

And finally, ANSWRY, review the movie-"a beautiful mind" with Russell Crowe

That's enough therapy for one day.

Answry, Your counselor has given up. You don't have to.
Lyrics- Grease/"Hopelessly devoted to you"

Guess mine is not the first heart broken
My eyes are not the first to cry
I'm not the first to know
There's just no getting over you
You know I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But, baby, can't you see
There's nothing else for me to do?
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
My head is saying, "Fool, forget him."
My heart is saying, "Don't let go.
Hold on till the end."
And that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm out of my head
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you
Hopelessly devoted to you

Stacey, The OP, that's Answry, does need to feel good, her husband is making her ill. Why there is music will become abundantly clear, depending on which song fits.
Lol, some more music therapy-I suggest going on youtube and listen:

"You're the one that I want" Grease/Olivia Newton-John
I got chills, they're multiplying
And I'm losing control
'Cause the power, you're supplying
It's electrifying!
You better shape up, 'cause I need a man
And my heart is set on you
You better shape up, you better understand
To my heart I must be true
Nothing left, nothing left for me to do
You're the one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo,Oo,Oo honey
You're the one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo, Oo, Oo honey
You're the one that I want
You are the one I want
Oo, Oo, Oo, the one that I need
Oh yes indeed


Grease - You're The One That I Want Lyrics

You have gotten a wealth of information here!

Perhaps some thoughts or answers that you hadn't even imagined.

Big time to make decisions......

Keep up the good work, let daughter doll you up! She is at "that" age, where she still wants to be doing something with you. Then, that could change.
Use the opportunity to bond with her, and be happy.
So sorry your husband is not being fair.
Best regards,
M88

He has not been physically violet. If there is someone else, he is keeping it well hidden. Lol, the responses have made me laugh and some of them cry. I thank you all for both. I'm glad to have internet friends for honesty.

I just have to chime in here. If someone in your life is stifling you and not letting you be you there is a problem. Love is not jealous or demanding. Control is. If someone needs to control you then they are the one with the problem, not you.

I dated a man once who wanted me to get a boob job. He said "oh you would be perfect if you had bigger boobs" You know what I said to him "You would be perfect if you got a penis extension and your mouth sewn shut"

Oh I Love that song, Send! And even though it probably has nothing to do with the OP, I could sing that one out loud in my back yard, and it would make me feel good!

Or, Lol some more.. by Leslie Gore

.You don't own me
Don't try to change me in any way
You don't own me
Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay
I don't tell you what to say
I don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free
To live my life the way I want
To say and do whatever I please
And don't tell me what to do
Oh, don't tell me what to say
And please, when I go out with you
Don't put me on display
I don't tell you what to say
Oh, don't tell you what to do
So just let me be myself
That's all I ask of you
I'm young and I love to be young
I'm free and I love to be free!

Lol...
Kenny Rogers – Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town Lyrics
You've painted up your lips and rolled and curled your tinted hair,
Ruby are you contemplating going out somewhere?
The shadows on the wall tell me the sun is going down,
Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town.

It's hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralyzed,
And the wants and needs of a woman your age really I realize,
But it won't be long, I've heard them say, until I'm not around,
Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town.

She's leaving now cause I just heard the slamming of the door,
The way I know I heard its slams one hundred times before,
And if I could move I'd get my gun and put her in the ground,
Oh Ruby, don't take your love to town.

Oh Ruby, for God's sake, turn around
Songwriters: TILLIS, MEL

Answry ~ I read what you said about why hubby may be acting in this way, based on deep hurt and insecurities about his mother. It's truly such a human tragedy that we inherit and re-act out these patterns of dysfunction. Hubs needs to either be willing to get help for his dysfunction - and he must be willing to understand that that's what it is - or you need to be willing to deal with a lifetime of having a partner that is going to create dysfunctionality in your marriage over and over again.

Sorry if that seems extreme. I definitely sending you some positive thoughts and best wishes to know how to move things forward in a good way for yourself.

Ff. , good idea. Have him pee in a cup when he gets home late

Get some Viagra! It works!

What Pam said is True! Men get insecure, when they reach that age when they are feeling older, and they still have a young, desirable wife. If keeping you under his thumb makes him feel more secure, then maybe you need to do something about that, and say make him feel like he is the only one you choose, and rub his back, compliment him, show interest in the things he loves. Make date nights. If by making him happy, he becomes a happier guy, then you have your answer. Men need and require a lot of attention! I know my guy becomes whiney, when he doesn't get enough! Give him some Luv, and see if he backs off a little! You say you Love him, really pour it on for a while! You both may end up happier! 😉😉😉

Answry, With this kind of paranoid control, do not confront the man, you could be killed if he thinks you are leaving.
Never shame him.
You know what to do when even the counselor has given up on your marriage.

The dynamics are such that you may choose to stay and remain ill.
So sorry. Especially for your children, who may decide to take his side for their own protection against his abuse, or for whatever reason.

Getting yourself free with some safety and money may save you.

Lol - gives new meaning to "My Little Poney".

Pam,, you made me laugh!!

answry, sounds like male menopause to me. Oh, they go through their own crisis, when being hung like a horse shrinks into my little pony. When they wake up without an erection in the morning. Read up on it. They won't tell you or the MD, but they know they are not a kid anymore.

answry, I am taking a soap opera approach now... is hubby spending time away from home, going outside to talk on his cellphone, etc? Could there be someone else?

Maybe he is saying these things to you to get you angry enough to say it is time to split up... then he can go around to his peers and say that you left him and took his children with you, thus making you look like the bad guy. Or maybe it is just a mid-life crises on his part, maybe there were things he wanted to do in his life and never could, so he is putting the blame on the person closes to him, you. Is it fair, of course not.

What would hubs do if you turned this around on him? He has to ASK permission for everything he does, he has to dress in a "frumpy" manner.. so on?I bet he would not like it... so why does he think you should?

Thanks all for my kick in the butt. Please pray for me and my family or just send some well wishes.

"I really don’t think I can make him happy." Or do you need or want to make him happy? And the flip side of the coin is can he make you happy? I think you know the answer to that.

What troubles me is not only that this has become an embedded problem, but that your children are being affected. You have a responsibility to them to provide as good a life as you can, and that's not happening.

Has he been violent with you or the children? How would you feel if Children's Protective Service was contacted by an observant neighbor and your children were removed?

If something doesn't change, if you don't stand up to him or even leave him, your children will probably desert you as soon as they're of age and head to better places to live their own lives. What and who will you have then? Just Mr. Control Freak.

You've been given good answers; it's time to move past the litany of things he's done and decide what if anything you're going to do. You could write severl more posts about his behavior but that's not a solution. There is ingrained behavior in both of you - him with his brutally frank manipulation, puts downs and control, and you in your acquiescence, and from what I read a long time submissive role.

This isn't a blame situation; it's an assessment of what happens with specific types of personalities.

Give some serious thought to what you want to do with your life, but be prepared to accept the consequences if you stay with him. And remember, change doesn't happen overnight; if you decide to leave him, you'll need to make plans and implement them to provide for yourself and your children. And that might be the reason you don't leave - because being on your own, providing your own support, might be too overwhelming to contemplate.

Dearie, was married for 24 years to someone just like this. Should have seen the light a lot sooner. I set a dreadful example for my children.

He's mentally ill, probably has a personality disorder. Therapy doesn't really help those. Charming to the outside world. May threaten suicide if you say divorce. Oh, and it's all your fault. Always has been, always will be.

You'll be amazed at how much more energy you have once you've split.

answry, this is a very difficult situation. He has to be made to understand that his behavior is driving you away. He sounds very paranoid. Maybe it is because he is getting older and not feeling so good about himself. His control issues are starting to get worse. What would he do if you "disobeyed" him. I mean, he's not the boss of you. Would he leave, or would he just gripe and complain? Maybe a little honesty would help. If he says you're saying he's mental, tell him that yes, he is acting crazier. If the big shoe fits...

Maybe he'd like to join the Seventh Day Adventists. Women in it don't wear makeup and dress plainly. I'm not sure what men do.

I don't like the idea of divorce, but I know some problems can't be worked through. I have a feeling you have tried to reassure him. I am hoping that it works out well for you.

Don't be surprised if he is reading your mail, email and checking your browser history

No religious convictions, it is just plain old control and jealously that is now being magnified I think by age, medical issues, and me allowing it for so many years. His trust of women started way before me and started with mom who had men in and out of her life, she was suicidal, and abandoned him.

Over the years, I know this has played a large roll and tried to be understanding. But I am TIRED.

Everyone else gets to see the good side. Sadly it has been this way from day one. I had no one to tell me better and how could I when I never talked to anyone about it and just tried to work through it on my own.

I never wore makeup except for lipstick and nail polish. But my daughter now 16 is into it all since the age of 13 it seems and I am her project. She loves to do my hair and makeup. Still just mascara and lipstick because otherwise she gets the funky eye from dad. Another example, if we will pass a store. She will go look at the pretty dresses mom, we should try them on. Dad immediately sees why it will not look good on me. It aggravates the heck out of me now. These comments.

I really don’t think I can make him happy.

I believe there should be two equal parties and that now is the time to give me that or get the heck out of the way. I don’t dictate and he is free to speak to whomever, go wherever etc.

I asked just last week, why is there two different sets of rules? One for you and a totally different set for me. In his mind there is not. I know for a fact there is.

Son is 13 and daughter 16. Daughter is staying sad and son doesn’t give a. He always says what now, what dad angry about now? That is how I feel also. Like he is always angry at me.

When I tell him to back off it is war and a speech about why I don’t love him anymore maybe never. And why I treat him like the enemy. This war has been going on again for two weeks now. About the same freaking issues. Today I told him it is time for change or separation/divorce. But of course it is because that is what I have been wanting/planning for a long time.

That’s why I suggested counseling to discuss insecurities and now he says I am calling him mental.

If this was happening to me, I would either do it more or I would yell and scream or I would leave. You are not his slave. You can do what you want. Marriage is not for the man to tell his wife what to do.

Well how does he respond, when you come right out and tell him to back off about your appearance? I've been with my husband for 31 years, and he would never try to tell me what to do or how to look, so I'm guessing that you have allowed this behavior or have tried to be the perfect wife that he wants you to be, and now you don't like him doing this. I recommend that you step up and tell him that he isn't your father, and that you don't have to make physical changes, just because he says so! No way, no how! I can see why your counselor is telling you to leave, he's a bully, and jealous of you having friends, and positive attention! Those are his insecurities, and he needs to learn how to deal with them! Not you! Good luck! I'm sure that there are lots of other reasons why you love him, and this behavior makes it difficult to want to leave, and I'm no suggesting you do so, but he needs to figure out a way to appreciate you, just the way you are! Try reading some of these responses to him!