Stressed and feeling guilty...I feel so alone.

MommaChristay, it sounds like your mother does need the intensive care she can get at a facility. This is not only good for you, it is good for her. Does the facility give her opportunities for social interaction? Does it provide nourishing food and take care of her medications? Many facilities are better than they once were and residents can enjoy living in them if they make friends. It would be nice if you were just able to visit often without having to worry about lifting her and cleaning her. I know you'll have to play it one day at a time, but let them know you aren't physically able to care for her any longer. We are behind you on this decision. It is a good one, so you don't need to feel guilt. We can only do so much, even if we wish we could do more. If your gma weighed less or was more mobile it would be easier, but things are how they are. They can take good care of her there with many trained, strong backs to share the care.

I am the caretaker for my mom who has Alzheimer since 2011. She is bedridden and needs 24/7 care. I have lots of family but no help. My family thinks that I am wonder woman although I am a two-timed cancer survivor. The only time my family kicks in with help is when she is hospitalized to show others how they help. Once she is discharged we do not see them. I am responsible for her healthcare, her business affairs, and anything that has to so with her. The family is worried about her finances but not her health. I am so tired of the family and am very stressed out. I would never put my mother is a nursing home because I have seen the abuse and how hey do not provide adequate care for its patients. But I need help and financially she is not able to hire attendants. Can someone tell me where I should go for help? Thanks,

It is such a long story, lol one i am almost tired of repeating. my aunt father and uncle do not help at but have plenty of opinions on what I do and how I do it. They all say she should stay but none of them say that to her.

We are located in Bucks County Pa where my grandmother is in a program called life st marys. it is truly a godsend. they handle all of her Drs and secialists so i dont have to transport her anywhere. she is morbidly obese and it was impossible to get her to the visits she needed. between uterine cancer that they can do nothing about and her severe heart disease and the diabetes the trips are weekly, sometimes more. life st mary has a day center that she went to 3 days a week from 9am until 2pm. it was great for social interaction! they even sent an aid on weekday morning to shower and dress her. A nurse came to change the bandages on her legs and feet. Up until May of last year all these things fell on me. And i did them with minimal complaints. in september things started going bad. my grandmom was always falling asleep in the middle of conversations, we laughed it off because when she was awake she was completely with it and the sleepiness happened around the same two times a day. she was just refusing to give in to nap time. But in september she was falling asleep more often and was more "drunk" as we call it when she slurs and wont sleep. It slowly progressed to the point where she was sleeping at least 20 hours a day and almost completely unaware of her surroundings the little bit she was awake. and the sleep was so disturbing! It was restless, she would rock back and forth and mumble and moan. She complained about not being able to breath. She refused to lay and put her feet up. She has not slept in a bed in at least 10 years. she lived in her recliner in the living room. I told the nurses and drs and aides about the issues and they all blew me off. i told my dad aunt and uncle and they just shrug at me. finally i called 911 and had them take her to the er. they sent her home the next day! in an ambulance! just dropped her off with nobody home!
about 10 days before thanksgiving I had enough. i was exhausted from not sleeping. i had to mop the floor everytime she had to go to the bathroom. I called 911 and had them come get her. She went to the er they admitted her and i went to see her the next morning, she was gone. they sent her to a nursing home. so i went to the nursing home. the woman (i am friends with because my grandmom has been in and out for years) she told me that my grandmom had not been awake since they got her there. i told her what happened before that moment. when they checked her oxygen it was severely low. Rushed her back to the ER. within minutes of arriving they had to intubate and sedate her. her heart was pounding out of her chest and they could not slow it with the meds and even with the oxygen she wasnt getting enough. after a week they wanted to take out the tubes but didnt think she would survive. her children cried and grandchildren cried. I cried too but mostly i was relieved. And I felt like a disgusting person for feeling like this. How could I feel relieved that my grandmother was dying? What kind of person could feel that emotion in a situation like this?
So tubes came out and low and behold she was getting better. It took weeks but now she is in the nursing home breathing on her own. 4 or 5 treatments a day and cpap at night but no oxygen. They got her to the point with physical therapy that she can walk 20 feet. but still needs assistance to get up from chair or bed and person hygene in the bathroom is a huge issue. She sometimes needs a lift to get off of the wheel chair. She has constant "messes" and needs to be washed throughout the day. The life st marys program is offering an aid to get her ready for bed and up in the morning on weekdays. she can also go to the center monday through friday. But this still leaves weekends and nights and doesnt change the fact that i just cant move her! my grandfather is almost 80 and pretty functional but he needs care too. he cant help with her. my husband works long hours and my kids who are 13 and 7 (13 has apergers) My boys need me and i feel bad but i am petrified that they will send her home. She wants to be home and they say they cannot keep her against her will.

i really apologize for the length of this.

There is no need to feel guilty over not being able to do what you trully are unable to do. It is ok to take care of yourself. You are just as valuable as your grandmother. You need to be assertive enough to let the powers that be know this.

Do you feel guilty because she's in a nursing home? You wrote that you are unable to care for her at home. Why the guilt? You recognize that you can't care for her yourself so you placed her in a facility where she will get the care she needs. That was a difficult decision for you to make but you made it and it's in your grandma's best interest. Let go of that guilt. You did the right thing.

Just say NO. NO you cannot lift her. NO you cannot take that on. You get a hold of her caseworker and make that clear. Grandma may lie to them and say she has help at home, just to get out of there. Make sure they know the truth.

If they try to discharge her to you, MommaChristay, let them know you will not be available to care for her. They shouldn't be able to discharge her to a place where she cannot receive adequate care. If they try to pressure you, stick to your guns that you will not be able to provide the care she needs. I hope that things go well and you won't be forced into a situation you can't handle well.

Hugs to you - so many on this forum are in your position or have been. Not knowing all the details, I don't understand why your grandmother would be coming home if she is currently in a nursing home and requires care that you cannot provide. I realize it is difficult position to be in and you feel alone.

But, if possible, hopefully if she requires 24/7 care she can stay where she is. Hopefully, a health care proxy and power of attorney are in place as this helps expedite the process of any decisions that have to be made.

You came to the right place and if you could provide more information, others might be able to help. Take care.