Sence I'm 12 years younger than my husband, and after my friends husband died, I'm trying to get my future laid out so I'm independent financially and other ways. Planning a new bathroom soon, any advice would be greatly appreciated
I'm glad we are both being smart about this. My husbands very frugal, I am also but I have to push hubby at times to spend, because he wants to save it for me but I want him to enjoy himself to.
Who knows if and when, how I'll feel or what I will want. But we actually had a small apartment on the side of the house, redid it all turned it into a large bedroom and master bath. When we did it we where discussing weather or not to leave the outside door on, we decided to leave it. So now that could relatively easily be turned back into an efficacy apartment for me and the main house to rent out. Who knows what I'll decide, but that option is nice.
My name is on everything, the deed, the car and accounts , so that's good.
He does always do the bills , I need to get more up to date on financial things, and be more apart of that. He definitely spoils me that way.
It's so easy to become complacent in a relationship. I don't really know how to use are thermostat. I asked him to turn the heat up one day. And he looked at me and said, I think you need to learn how to do that.
EvaMar, you are very far ahead of most women in knowing you have to be responsible for your own money and have to have a way to make it! We see the results of the entrapment that happens so often on AC Forum when that's not the case.
Don’t know your ages and 12 years difference is not much yet it makes a difference as women generally live longer. Would it be beneficial to get smaller space if your house is too big for two of you? I just did that and we are moving to condo soon. My husband is 10 years older than me but has Parkinson’s disease for over 10 years. Not much changed for us for first 5 years. Now it is progressing faster, but it is not deadly disease unless there are complications from it. I have plan A, B,C. A, if care is required for him. B, if I am on my own. C, if I die first he should be well taken care of. In my late 30s I decided to take total care and responsibility for my financial health. I believe it is very important for every woman to make financial decisions. We also have joint assets, but because of different approach of investing I do my own. Do some budgeting and figure out what kind of investments would be beneficial for your future, I still say if you are over 50 don’t take too much risks, but don’t sacrifice everything for future gains, I still believe in living for today and enjoy what we choose is more important.
Do you and your husband have your paperwork in order? Wills, living wills, POAs, etc.? If not, get on that right away. I assume you are updating or adding a bathroom that will be useful in the event that one of you needs to bring a walker or wheelchair into the bathroom? That's a great idea, as long as you are planning on staying in your current home. Is it set up well for older needs? First floor master suite? Possibility of separate bedrooms if it becomes needed for some reason? Get rid of as much extra stuff from your home as you can now, while it's easier for both of you. Stay active and eat healthy, etc. Good luck.
What is "Enough" for old age? That's a REALLY good question. For a variety of reasons my husband (now 94) and I (87) started saving for retirement later in life than many. However, we then saved as much as we could on two nonprofit employer salaries. We also bought LTC insurance. We hope there will be "Enough", as long as we do NOT live much longer (we NEVER expected to reach our current ages!) or develop non-fatal, long-term medical conditions. We have POLSTs and clear advance healthcare directives. I have also prepared a personal letter stating explicitly what I do and do NOT want to happen at EOL. I can only hope it will be followed. Switzerland might be a long shot if all else fails.
We live independently, with regular hired housecleaning and seasonal yard/home maintenance assistance, in a 55+ manufactured home community which, fortunately, is affordable in our very pricey area. We're old enough now that we don't travel or go out for entertainment. We don't buy new cars, new clothes, new "toys" or much of anything except for necessities. (We're not of much use to the consumer-driven economy!) Our adult son helps from time to time with technology, car maintenance and incidental issues.
We have a "platinum" retiree health plan (SO lucky there!). Our living costs are manageable, although inflation has been a hit. At this point we can only hope that we have "Enough" to sustain us for the duration. Running out of $$$ is probably a worrisome issue for most middle-class retirees. We definitely wish to make our Final Exit before our funds do! Although the cost and loss of independence would be a huge and unwelcome transition, there are several care facilities in our area if we end up needing 24/7 care. With any luck at all, we would not require care for an extended period given our ages (and my clearly articulated position on MAiD and VSED).
We have NO desire or intent to ensnare our family in the caregiving trap. We've had our lives. They have earned--and richly deserve--theirs.
My husband died three months ago, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, although of course it happens to half of us who have partners. We were both very independent and involved in managing our finances, although I had taken this over almost completely in the past few years because of his medical problems. Likewise, I was taking care of all household issues, including repairs so I was prepared in that sense too. I’ve heard several women in my grief support group say that it’s been difficult for them to do the “jobs” that their spouses did.
Make sure you understand where all of your money is, what types of accounts, insurance, etc—you may already know all of this, but it’s so important. Don’t forget documents such as power of attorney, will or trust, medical power of attorney and living will or other advanced directives.
What has helped me the most is having a lot of support already in place. We each had our own interests and I had multiple groups of friends that I did things with and continue to see often. Your support system may look different but the more you have established, the easier it will be to handle any losses. My husband’s health was failing for a long time before I became his full-time caregiver during his last 14 months, so I was somewhat prepared for living alone. The one thing you can’t prepare for is the grief, which is too overwhelming to contemplate, but you learn ways to experience that as well. For me a grief support group, therapy, and writing poetry have been invaluable.
Wishing that you and your husband stay in good health and don’t have to face this for a long time.
Alva, I love your stories. I totally get your sence of humor. I have 4 boys, all about 2 years apart. You can only imagine the stuff they got into. To me they are the funniest 4 I know. Sometimes I tell others a story and laugh and the look at me like , that's not funny
Like a year ago, I started this new face cream and mentioned it to my son. He looked and looked at me and said, huh you don't look as awful. That's just who they are.
And I love boy movies, transformers ECT... The movie Frozen, that everyone loved was so boring
Need, thanks, but I was--hee hee--being perfectly serious about all of it.
My bro and I shared a wicked sense of dark humor, and hon, with his Lewy's and my breast cancer I do not even begin to imagine how we could get through without dark humor. Life is so tough. We have to endure the tough times. If we are able to laugh, even in the face of the death of those we love so very much, we can somehow survive until the pain is more of a slow burn than the fires of Hades.
We were raised with laughter, and I guess that's the answer. And it was often dark humor. We were quite poor. My parents ran what they then called a "tourist court" in the Ozarks. Fisherman staying mostly (and where my love of fly-tying was born). The fisherman often caught more than their limit on trout and would bring them to my parents. So that when we asked "What's for supper" my Mom would happily say: "Well, as a very special treat..................and once only tonight..............how about......................................FISH". We were so danged poor that on Sunday nights, listening to the Lone Ranger on Radio, the four of us split a PINT of ice cream. The stuff never tasted so good again. We had one another, our own jobs at the court (I picked up the garbage from 11 cabins with my baby buggy) and lots of laughter. I never knew for so very long how poor we really were. I knew how to paint wood floors and sponge them so they looked like the best linoleum out there! I am a woman of many talents learned at my parent's knees.
AA, I am going to copy/paste what I wrote when you brought this up in your answers to another OP: I think this is SUCH a good topic for discussion. Here is what I said there:
You could ask someone with 1M million and that person might say it isn't enough. You might ask someone with 100,000, and they might say it's just fine.
So much in life depends upon your lifestyle and how, where, and in what manner you wish to live. My brother ended his days in a marvelous little trailer park in the deserts of Palm Springs. It was a historical little place in that many of its vehicular denizens were born in the 60s/70s, so it was on old car tours and such. Beautifully kept up and a wonderful group of people--a pool, shuffleboard, library; just a great little community. AND CHEAP. He bought his little place in 2017 if I recall, for 30,000 cash outright. Put in another 20,000 in revamping it. Sold it in 2019 when he went to ALF for 100,000. The space rental AND utilities were 600.00 a month. Brother spent his life, buying and selling homes in California. Was a hobby for him to buy the downtrodden, bring them back to glory and sell then at a profit (he got bored when they were perfect). I teased him he could save a lot of angst buying and doing up dollhouses. But in those times it worked. Today, when an empty lot here goes for about 1M would not work. So he made money and lived all over our fair state, and as he lived like a monk and didn't spend, he managed to keep his money tucked away earning (again, this wouldn't work today. You cannot FIND a contractor today, not can you afford him or the prices he pays for the lumbar that is pretty bad stuff all in all).
I teased D., my bro, when we went looking for ALF that they all wanted him ONLY because of my description of his being 1M on the hoof (ask a farmer what that means). I teased him also that at 85 he could not outlive his money. Made him get the two room unit that existed, four in each cottage, one in each corner of building. The "boy" died with the same old cast iron pot and 12" pan he had when he first left home.
I could have been wrong about that latter not being able to outlive his money, because at 20,000 a month for some MC facilities, that money is going to go quick. IF you live any number of years at all.
So how much is enough? If you are in the trailer park you can still live relatively inexpensively. But at 60. Ummmmm. You have perhaps 4 decades of life left. SS isn't going to be enough. And trust me, any elder can tell you what inflation means when you are no longer working.
How much is enough? We have people out there living on next to nothing and people out there spending enormous amounts monthly. Suze Orman will gladly tell you that there is NEVER enough to retire on. Some others will tell you they did well on next to nothing. I personally don't spend much. I eat the same old huge pots of spaghetti or white beans and sausage or fajitas and veggies because I LIKE them, over and over. My Costco Kirkland blue jeans last forever. My 6.00 tees from Target are my favorites. I get free public transit. Our home is paid off so there's no rental (tho there are amazing insurance thingys and repairs you cannot do yourself on a 1870 home are dire). We no longer travel, did that decades ago. There's two of us so expenses are shared. My supplemental is Kaiser and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and it's only 98.00 a month. I always describe myself as inflation proof. We no longer even drive enough to allow gas to be a problem. I still clip coupons. I still go to the library. My pots and pans only slightly newer than my bros as I will not fill our landfills with perfectly adequate pots and pans, and I love to thift shop. I spurge on good bakery stuff. Not much else.
I'm glad we are both being smart about this. My husbands very frugal, I am also but I have to push hubby at times to spend, because he wants to save it for me but I want him to enjoy himself to.
Who knows if and when, how I'll feel or what I will want. But we actually had a small apartment on the side of the house, redid it all turned it into a large bedroom and master bath. When we did it we where discussing weather or not to leave the outside door on, we decided to leave it. So now that could relatively easily be turned back into an efficacy apartment for me and the main house to rent out. Who knows what I'll decide, but that option is nice.
My name is on everything, the deed, the car and accounts , so that's good.
He does always do the bills , I need to get more up to date on financial things, and be more apart of that. He definitely spoils me that way.
It's so easy to become complacent in a relationship. I don't really know how to use are thermostat. I asked him to turn the heat up one day. And he looked at me and said, I think you need to learn how to do that.
Thanks so much for all the advice
I cringe at some lines in old movies when women were told not to bother their pretty little heads with finances.
Would it be beneficial to get smaller space if your house is too big for two of you?
I just did that and we are moving to condo soon.
My husband is 10 years older than me but has Parkinson’s disease for over 10 years. Not much changed for us for first 5 years.
Now it is progressing faster, but it is not deadly disease unless there are complications from it.
I have plan A, B,C.
A, if care is required for him.
B, if I am on my own.
C, if I die first he should be well taken care of.
In my late 30s I decided to take total care and responsibility for my financial health. I believe it is very important for every woman to make financial decisions.
We also have joint assets, but because of different approach of investing I do my own.
Do some budgeting and figure out what kind of investments would be beneficial for your future, I still say if you are over 50 don’t take too much risks, but don’t sacrifice everything for future gains, I still believe in living for today and enjoy what we choose is more important.
Elizabeth, you and your husband sound like amazing people. Thank you for sharing
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Wishing you peace as you grieve.
We live independently, with regular hired housecleaning and seasonal yard/home maintenance assistance, in a 55+ manufactured home community which, fortunately, is affordable in our very pricey area. We're old enough now that we don't travel or go out for entertainment. We don't buy new cars, new clothes, new "toys" or much of anything except for necessities. (We're not of much use to the consumer-driven economy!) Our adult son helps from time to time with technology, car maintenance and incidental issues.
We have a "platinum" retiree health plan (SO lucky there!). Our living costs are manageable, although inflation has been a hit. At this point we can only hope that we have "Enough" to sustain us for the duration. Running out of $$$ is probably a worrisome issue for most middle-class retirees. We definitely wish to make our Final Exit before our funds do! Although the cost and loss of independence would be a huge and unwelcome transition, there are several care facilities in our area if we end up needing 24/7 care. With any luck at all, we would not require care for an extended period given our ages (and my clearly articulated position on MAiD and VSED).
We have NO desire or intent to ensnare our family in the caregiving trap. We've had our lives. They have earned--and richly deserve--theirs.
I splurge on bakery stuff, too!
Make sure you understand where all of your money is, what types of accounts, insurance, etc—you may already know all of this, but it’s so important. Don’t forget documents such as power of attorney, will or trust, medical power of attorney and living will or other advanced directives.
What has helped me the most is having a lot of support already in place. We each had our own interests and I had multiple groups of friends that I did things with and continue to see often. Your support system may look different but the more you have established, the easier it will be to handle any losses. My husband’s health was failing for a long time before I became his full-time caregiver during his last 14 months, so I was somewhat prepared for living alone. The one thing you can’t prepare for is the grief, which is too overwhelming to contemplate, but you learn ways to experience that as well. For me a grief support group, therapy, and writing poetry have been invaluable.
Wishing that you and your husband stay in good health and don’t have to face this for a long time.
Hmmm 🤔 that's a no thank you. Lol
Like a year ago, I started this new face cream and mentioned it to my son. He looked and looked at me and said, huh you don't look as awful. That's just who they are.
And I love boy movies, transformers ECT... The movie Frozen, that everyone loved was so boring
So I love your humor
I agree with you. Even though our situation is serious, humor helps us to cope. I have found myself laughing during challenging circumstances.
We are able to tell the most interesting and funny stories afterwards.
My bro and I shared a wicked sense of dark humor, and hon, with his Lewy's and my breast cancer I do not even begin to imagine how we could get through without dark humor.
Life is so tough. We have to endure the tough times. If we are able to laugh, even in the face of the death of those we love so very much, we can somehow survive until the pain is more of a slow burn than the fires of Hades.
We were raised with laughter, and I guess that's the answer. And it was often dark humor. We were quite poor. My parents ran what they then called a "tourist court" in the Ozarks. Fisherman staying mostly (and where my love of fly-tying was born). The fisherman often caught more than their limit on trout and would bring them to my parents. So that when we asked "What's for supper" my Mom would happily say:
"Well, as a very special treat..................and once only tonight..............how about......................................FISH".
We were so danged poor that on Sunday nights, listening to the Lone Ranger on Radio, the four of us split a PINT of ice cream. The stuff never tasted so good again. We had one another, our own jobs at the court (I picked up the garbage from 11 cabins with my baby buggy) and lots of laughter. I never knew for so very long how poor we really were. I knew how to paint wood floors and sponge them so they looked like the best linoleum out there! I am a woman of many talents learned at my parent's knees.
I have said this before but I am going to say it again.
I ADORE your wicked sense of humor! Anyone who doesn’t get it is DENSE! Hee hee 😝
Here is what I said there:
You could ask someone with 1M million and that person might say it isn't enough.
You might ask someone with 100,000, and they might say it's just fine.
So much in life depends upon your lifestyle and how, where, and in what manner you wish to live. My brother ended his days in a marvelous little trailer park in the deserts of Palm Springs. It was a historical little place in that many of its vehicular denizens were born in the 60s/70s, so it was on old car tours and such. Beautifully kept up and a wonderful group of people--a pool, shuffleboard, library; just a great little community.
AND CHEAP. He bought his little place in 2017 if I recall, for 30,000 cash outright. Put in another 20,000 in revamping it. Sold it in 2019 when he went to ALF for 100,000. The space rental AND utilities were 600.00 a month.
Brother spent his life, buying and selling homes in California. Was a hobby for him to buy the downtrodden, bring them back to glory and sell then at a profit (he got bored when they were perfect). I teased him he could save a lot of angst buying and doing up dollhouses. But in those times it worked. Today, when an empty lot here goes for about 1M would not work.
So he made money and lived all over our fair state, and as he lived like a monk and didn't spend, he managed to keep his money tucked away earning (again, this wouldn't work today. You cannot FIND a contractor today, not can you afford him or the prices he pays for the lumbar that is pretty bad stuff all in all).
I teased D., my bro, when we went looking for ALF that they all wanted him ONLY because of my description of his being 1M on the hoof (ask a farmer what that means).
I teased him also that at 85 he could not outlive his money. Made him get the two room unit that existed, four in each cottage, one in each corner of building.
The "boy" died with the same old cast iron pot and 12" pan he had when he first left home.
I could have been wrong about that latter not being able to outlive his money, because at 20,000 a month for some MC facilities, that money is going to go quick. IF you live any number of years at all.
So how much is enough? If you are in the trailer park you can still live relatively inexpensively. But at 60. Ummmmm. You have perhaps 4 decades of life left. SS isn't going to be enough. And trust me, any elder can tell you what inflation means when you are no longer working.
How much is enough?
We have people out there living on next to nothing and people out there spending enormous amounts monthly.
Suze Orman will gladly tell you that there is NEVER enough to retire on. Some others will tell you they did well on next to nothing. I personally don't spend much. I eat the same old huge pots of spaghetti or white beans and sausage or fajitas and veggies because I LIKE them, over and over. My Costco Kirkland blue jeans last forever. My 6.00 tees from Target are my favorites. I get free public transit. Our home is paid off so there's no rental (tho there are amazing insurance thingys and repairs you cannot do yourself on a 1870 home are dire). We no longer travel, did that decades ago. There's two of us so expenses are shared. My supplemental is Kaiser and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them and it's only 98.00 a month.
I always describe myself as inflation proof. We no longer even drive enough to allow gas to be a problem.
I still clip coupons. I still go to the library. My pots and pans only slightly newer than my bros as I will not fill our landfills with perfectly adequate pots and pans, and I love to thift shop. I spurge on good bakery stuff. Not much else.
So how much is enough? Go figure!