There is an upcoming party and I can't handle it.
I don't feel good tonight. there is a big problem going on in my family I can't handle it i'm too tired to write about what going on. gist is there is a big family party coming up at my sisters and she didn't tell me about it beforehand and I am supposed to go but I can't because I feel too threatened by her husband and kid who are all against me. there is more to it... I am just oo tired to go into it more now. I want to give up. she organized this party behind my back knowing that it would be h*ll for me to attend. if I don't though whole extended family will think I am an a**hole because they don't know what is going on behind the scenes in my family. I have to decide in the next 24 hours if I am going to go. she got me real good on this one. so devious. I hate her. my brother will also be there and I haven't seen him in 20 years and last time I saw him he physically assaulted me which she also knows. I probably won't go and then everyone will think I am an a**hole and a coward but they don't know what is going on and it's not appropriate to tell them. this is all too much for me. I can't handle my mom bringing by b*tch sister back into my life. and my mom doesn't give sh*t about how awful my sister is. sorry for the cussing. my therapist isn't available in time to talk to about this. arrrhhggg.
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She has been advised to take mom back to where she was.
Not sure why that can't get done.
When she said "ignorant" I took it as ignorance of her specific life circumstances. We don't know if she has other health issues, responsibilities, or challenges that she chooses not to discuss here and so slamming someone for not changing their life in two months comes off as harsh. There is that adjustment period when you start caregiving where you need to wrap your head around the fact that your life is not your own anymore. I know you know that as a mom; I am guessing you have had to adjust to that more than any of us. But Annabelle just got this situation dropped on her in the past few months, and it takes awhile to get used to knowing you have no privacy, no free time, and that there are all these new challenges. If she gets three free hours without her mom around the house, she might do just as well to savor that free time rather than spend it writing a list about her mom's issues.
I think you are a kind-hearted person and don't intend to be hurtful, but I found your post last night hard to read. You have a lot of good advice and I enjoy reading your posts, but I think for some reason when you address Annabelle you "sound" really impatient. I don't think it's your intention but, for sensitive people, it comes off that way. I say or write things sometimes that don't sound how I meant them. I'm guessing that's what happened with your post but I don't know.
Something that might be really helpful is sharing the title of the book you recommended a few days ago on being assertive, the Effective People book. Reading it is something doable and could provide actual tools for handling the hard to negotiate situations Annabelle is finding herself in.
Just to fill you in from older posts, Annabelle has her own place, but her mom came to stay with her after the mom had a stroke. Her mom was living on limited income several hours away with no family nearby, and the doctor recommended she be closer to family. Her mom has a house but the house needs a lot of work, which her mom isn't in the condition to do herself and probably can't afford to hire out. I'm not sure whether Annabelle's mom is from the same state, or not, so that might complicate getting social services set up for her. I think some of the difficulty is that Annabelle wants to make sure her mom is safe but because of the distance, condition of the house, finances, work, etc. it's kind of got them between a rock and a hard place, at least for now.
In the meantime, with her mom being in town now, the sister who lives in the same area (and does not want to provide mom with hands-on care but is on friendly terms with the mom) has re-entered the picture. And the aggressive brother is now visiting. So now the family dynamics are complicating the stress she was already facing with her mom being in her home. I hope that fills in some of the gaps!
I do not say what I say to be mean spirited. But in the hope it may spur you to seeing only you can change your circumstances.
Life is precious and everyday spent is a day you'll never get back. I made the decision a long time ago I wasn't going to let my past and the crappy things and crappy people who inflicted damage and pain - rob me of my own life any longer. So I forgave what I could and cut out the rest. The exception being my mother - which is work in progress. But it is progress.
I don't know how old you are but actually it doesn't matter - life spins on a dime. Is this how you want to spend whatever time you've got left in this world? Consumed in hate and bitterness?
I'm sorry if what I said hurt you - but I'm not sorry I said it. Dont worry - I'll not reply to your posts again.
thought.
When u get a place of ur own this will be your safe place to fall. After a long day of work, walk in ur front door, lock it and you can just veg out. You will also be able to find interests. Go to Church, join a bible study or Sunday School class. County Colleges and some high schools have night classes. Could learn sign language, Spanish etc and maybe make some friends. You r going to have to make the first step. And, there is nothing wrong with liking to be alone. Get a cat. My one daughter is a loner the other has to be around people. The loner belongsvto a book challenge on the internet. Loves it. Please keep us posted. Would love to know how things work out. Why is my friend alone, shevis her own worst enemy. She chooses to be where she is instead of finding out why shevis where she is.
So...I hope I have helped. Please, do this for yourself.
It is really sad that you will miss out on seeing some of your family.
My friend was abused by her brother. He had a really volatile relationship with his dad and it's a long story but when the dad was gone, the brother started taking it out on my friend. She has neurological problems and was on heavy duty medications for them. It caused her to have kind of funny mannerisms and to not have too much of a filter, and it just irritated the brother to no end and he would get really violent with her. It really affected her whole life -- the way she thought about herself and her relationship with her mom (who thought she was provoking the brother.) Her health problems interfered with her ability to keep a job. The family saw her as the black sheep and weak, even though she has persevered through more than I or any of them could. Meanwhile, brother got a great job in college through a family friend (who knew he was beating sister) and he is now married with kids and makes 6 figures. It seems unfair. I know the mom is starting to see things differently now but I wish she had taken my friend's side 20 years ago when it counted more.
Abuse is so insidious. It affects how you think of yourself and make decisions. The humiliation alone is awful -- makes you feel like everyone can see how you feel on the inside. If you are prone to anxiety and depression, that just makes it harder. In terms of "fixing" things, this is probably the worst stage because between the situation with your mom and starting counseling, all those feelings are being brought up to the surface. But the counseling should help and it's better to try to deal with some of those feelings in the long run. It's an uphill climb but you are taking steps and recognize that you need to focus on yourself. Don't let other people take that away from you. It is work to make yourself the priority and it can feel like too much, but you are doing good.
I'm sorry you you will miss seeing your family and are having trouble at work too. You need a break.
The reason I think you need to do this is that first you say you appreciate people's comments. But then what's keeping you awake five hours later is the tiny number you weren't so happy with.
I do sympathise. I've been there many times over the years, eyes popping open over some side issue that I can't change and can't let go. But this is incredibly bad for you, so don't wait - call that office and ask, as soon as you can.
Sorry. Just trying to lighten things up.
Don't go. Everyone else gave excellent advice be about comportment and MomTaxi.
Follow what these fine folks said, and you'll be fine.
Mom, jerk sis, sociopath bro and the rest of the DNA pool will also be fine.
Don't overthink it.
Drop your mother off, telling her to get a ride back. Then go home and get some sleep.
Better yet, go home and write up your action plan. Cause best I can tell you still don't have one. You've been posting for over two months and honestly? Except for the date - the posts are all interchangeable. You're tired, no one loves you, you hate your mother but most of all - you hate your sister. Got it. What are you doing to make you're situation more tolerable?
You've been given a ton of good advice. Ways to see about moving your mother out - and if that seems impossible to you - ways to help yourself.
You want someone to love you - all the while spewing hate, anger and bitterness. You will find love when you become open to it. In the mean time - nothing will change until you change it.
So go ahead and send some of that anger my way - as you have when I tell you something you don't want to hear. I can take it. Maybe you'll get mad enough to actually do something to make yourself and your well-being a priority.