I answered a NINETY year old man's question and was crucified. What I'm NOT hearing here, is: What if it were YOU facing a nursing home? Put yourself in your spouse's shoes or your mother's shoes. Your spouse who helped you pay the bills for 20 plus years. Your mother who raised you and cared for you and loved you and your children. No one wants to put the shoe on the other foot. Whatever happened to," Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?" I don't care what ANYone on this website says. I will NEVER put my husband in a nursing home because I know he would NEVER put me in one. My family and siblings took care of our parents AT HOME until the day they died at 88 and 92. I hate how selfish people in this world have become. I am not judging anyone who does put their loved ones in a nursing home. All I am saying is, I will never do it.
But I hope you find support & the help you need somewhere.
I wish we had the chance to talk, to really hear each others views. It would hopefully make a difference. Grow some empathy & understanding.
Saying yes to being a fulltime caregiving to one person has consequences. It may mean saying no to caregiving others.. I found that. The message was 'Family helps Family'. Yet how could it work if I left paid work? Left my husband with sole financial burden for our children? Left our children unsupervised & without?
Not everyone has the health themself to be a caregiver, or wealth to leave a paid job.
Alternatives thankfully exist. No man (or woman) is an island.
I will post what I wrote again in case you missed it.
"Reba, you say in your other answers that you are caring for your spouse, are suicidal and have major health issues.
That doesn't sound like a recipe for giving your spouse "good" care.
Have you looked into hiring in-home health care? Or finding a different nursing home? Good nursing homes DO exist."
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you!
Absolutely!
I choose to relieve my children of the burden of hands on caregiving me, as my mother did for me. My mother chose assisted living and then an NH as she needed them. She was well cared for by trained staff in shifts whose job it was to care for her and who had the resources to do so without exhausting themselves emotionally and physically.
If you needed care, would you really want your husband to have the life looking after you that you now have looking after him?
If it was me , I hope that no one like Reba puts a guilt trip or tells my spouse or children that they are being selfish if I need a nursing home.
It is NOT selfish for a person to choose a care facility to provide 24/7 care for their loved one. If you have never had to make that choice then how on earth can you possibly know what that feels like? How do you know it is selfish? How do you know what position people are in when they make that choice?
Better yet, I have a great idea!! Why don't you come spend a few hours helping my 300lb, immobile FIL out of bed with no assistance and dead weight, with a smile on your face and love in your heart. And oh yeah, by the way...just a little tidbit...you didn't grow up with him abusing you physically, emotionally, mentally, and verbally your entire childhood - so it's probably not that big of a deal to you to continue to take the abuse he likes to heap on his caregivers - you can smile and take that right? And clean up his "accidents"? And listen to the lies he tells other people about you?
Do unto others? Selfish?
Not every situation is like yours and I really wish people would understand that not all caregiving situations are created equally.
You will never do it. That's great for you. I hope you get that wish. And never have to make the decision to move your DH to a nursing home because you physically can't take care of him yourself. Because YOUR body has worn out from providing his care. Because the caregiver illness and mortality statistics will take your breath away. And there is NO shame in needing help. And no trophy for martyrdom.