I wonder how to give up caregiving.
I am an only child taking care of my mother. She has been diagnosed with dementia but right now only short term is affected. She can remember a few things of past conversation and what she doesn't remember swears it never took place. She is very demanding (has been all my life). Over the summer she became very ill, wouldn't eat and couldn't get out of bed. Hospice was called in and I had to get 24 hour care for my mom. (I was the 24 hour at first) I still have children at home and a husband. I work during the week and trying to find time for sanity. After hospice came in and we found a way to give her medicine, she became better. My mom wouldn't have allowed me to pay for caregiving out of her account so I had to lie and say insurance was paying for it. Now she is better physically and wanting to see bank statements and doesn't trust me to be POA. I realize this happens with dementia. I am so stressed out I cannot enjoy the life I do have around the caregiving for her. She can be so sweet and thankful and then in the same sentence be so hateful and distrusting. I want to give it up, but it is only me and don't have a brother or sister to give it to. I have been trying to get her to go to assisted living, but she wont hear of it. I am in desperate need for help and most of all courage and a huge backbone to do what I know is best for her. She would not understand at all why her bank account has dropped due to trying to save her life and have care givers. I wish this would all go away and I didn't have to deal anymore. If I could get her to move to the facility, I think her life would be better and I know mine would.
My mom is also very demanding, basically a narcissist and at the time she lived with us, was unable to stand by herself to get up to use her walker. It was me 24/7 for two months until I finally go her to consent to spend a few dollars a week to bring in a relief caregiver. I had about 6 hours a week to myself and was exhausted. 5:45 a.m. to 9:45 p.m., not mention getting up in the night was my routine. At least my brother supported me long distance in suggesting that she pay me in return for the constant care. Of course she flew into a rage. I was officially now a bad daughter! She said she'd never accept money from her own mother. (When my grandma was dying, mom cared for her at our house FOR ONE WEEK before she died.) We'd get into screaming matches about going through boxes of her household goods that filled our three stall garage and our basement up to the ceiling. She'd only allow me to go through two boxes a day between the hours of 11 and 1 with her watching and approving what could and couldn't be donated or tossed.
My son was 14 at the time and had to witness all this madness. My husband was going crazy as I had no time for him. To top it off, mom's bedroom was in my former office, right off of our living room as all four bedrooms are upstairs and she can't do steps. I'd finally get her settled in and her door shut, TV on low, and I could hear her commenting about how stupid the shows were that we watched. On and on. Couldn't relax no matter what!
I told my brother I just couldn't take it anymore. He knows mom's controlling personality (maybe why he's been away 30 years). He agreed with me that she needed an AL. So even though he hasn't been physically present, he did validate that the situation was impossible. There was that much.
I joined here during that time and all the wonderful caregivers here supported me and coached me in approaching my mom about moving out. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. And her reaction was horrible as expected - maybe even worse than I expected. She fainted, she puked all over, told me she hated me, etc. But it had to be done. I wasn't going to scar my son for life with that kind of dysfunctional behavior or ruin my marriage. My mom had a very good life for a very long time. My family and I deserve a life too. Did you know a lot of caregivers die before the one they care for due to the unending stress?
A very painful week after I told her, we moved her to a very nice AL with round the clock care. You would've thought she was going to the gulag. She had never been on her own her entire life. Married my dad at 17 straight from my grandparents house and never had any desire to be independent. Also she had preconceived notions as most elders do of nursing homes in the 50' and 60's.
After about a month she was pretty well settled in. I visited daily for the first two months, then made it every other day. She made some friends and we actually started taking her out to lunch every weekend and shopping. This was entirely new, as before my dad died, she refused to leave the house for a year and a half. When she moved in with us she said she would never leave again and would die here!
So....things do eventually get better. She totally enjoys her time out, though she is now entirely wheelchair bound. Glad mom is tiny and I have strong boys! We have a loving mother/daughter relationship for the most part, though her stubbornness will always be a problem.
Jeweltone, you do have the courage in you. You just haven't found it yet. Distrust, the suffering of you and your own family...at some point it will break you or make you. How it was affecting my son was what made me do what I had to do.
Pretend I'm your long distance sibling. From everything you've written describing your situation (and for THREE years!), you have my permission to do what's best for all involved.
Hugs to you jeweltone.
I am in a similar situations to you. I have three young children and a husband and sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I've changed so much. I don't care about life the way I used to. I have to really push myself to go out and see people or to do activities I once enjoyed. I am not three years into this living arrangement like you are but I've made a commitment to myself and my family that we can't end up sick over this. I'm open to things changing when I feel I can't handle anything in my life anymore.
I think you're mom is going to resist at first, but that's what almost every parent does. Most people don't like change, especially as they get older. It's going to be a transition for everyone but you'll all pull through it just like you have before. J
My heart goes out to you, trying to be a good daughter for your mom. Your mom just isn't able to understand that. But your first priority is your children and husband. Your mom's had her life, now it's time for you to live your life and help your mom as much as you can, but without destroying your family and yourself in the process. Hugs to you.