Context: Mom was recently given the hospice diagnosis for her Emphysema, and her lung capacity is described as greatly reduced. She has a long history of many substance abuses and using me as a therapist despite me being her child (since I was very young) and refuses to consider looking into a nursing home or assisted living place. Her health has declined over the past 5 years and she has only worsened once I've gotten to college. She says I'm the only thing keeping her going but that's become a horrible burden to me.
I'm in my last year at college and I love her very, very much. She is genuinely one of the most important people in my life even if she doesn't believe it sometimes. But I cannot handle being around her full-time or even considering being a full-time caregiver, as I find myself wishing she or myself were dead or gone. My recent experiences with her alcohol relapses have left me jaded and numb, and I've stopped caring what happens. While I think the best compromise will be to stay half with her/half at my apartment near my school, I'm a poor driver and worried that I'll get in trouble for leaving her alone. She REFUSES having a "hired caregiver" (not that we can even afford it). Luckily we have Badgercare so the current hospice care is covered. I'm afraid I'll get in trouble with other family members or yelled at by hospice if I am not here full time (I have a fairly unhealthy family prone to guilt and abuse). I have very supportive neighbors who've offered to check in on her when I'm not here, and so on. I'm also in a support group for family members of addicts.
I currently live in the Midwest and am trying to come to terms with my horrible feelings of disgust, frustration, fear and self-disapointment. I hate myself and am suicidal, wanting this to end. I'd like more advice or stories specific to coping with toxic adult parents dying, or COPD stuff, and just general young-adult guilt
Step back from Mom... not away, just back. As others said here, it's not your fault your Mom is like this. Mom ruined her life and expects you'll just go down with her. Being her therapist and being told you're the only thing that keeps her going is manipulation on her part. It takes all the responsibility off her and puts it on you. If she keeps saying you're the only reason for living, then the blame can be thrown on you if Mom worsens or dies. Mom is playing the victim, even though she did all this to herself and ultimately doesn't give a damn how it hurt you.
She is being cruel by keeping you tethered to her. A reasonable, loving parent would be happy to see their 21-year-old make a life for herself and grow into an independent, functioning adult. Your Mom doesn't care about all that, since she just sees you as someone put on this earth to look after her.
You may feel old, given all you've been through. But 21 is so young! You're at a point in life where you can break free. You have a lot of dysfunction in your family and you can be the one to stop it. It stops with you. Now.
Please don't let Mom pull you down to her level. You're better and stronger than that. You have only one shot at this life and you can decide that as of now, Mom does not have a say or control in your life, and her choices are hers alone. Doesn't mean you hate her; doesn't mean you rejected her. It means you're coming into your own and being your own person. Let the others complain and try to guilt you... they're in dysfunction too and don't want to progress.
1. Call the Hospice agency and tell them everything you said here. Read it to them or send it to them so they can understand that you cannot provide your mom the required support during this time. They will not yell at you.
2. Call the Suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255. They will help you evaluate your situation and provide names of people who will help you with your overwhelming feelings about what is happening.
3. Make certain you have a good sponsor in your support group for family members of addicts. Let them know you will need them to be available to you during this time when you need support.
4. Recognize that being angry and sad and guilty and mad and scared and disappointed are all perfectly natural feelings when you have been forced into a totally horrible situation. You do not need to put on a brave, happy face for anyone.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255
Move back home to your own apartment and live your life. You cannot stop Mum from dying, you cannot stop her from making bad decisions and you need to set some firm boundaries with her and other family members.