I really don't know where to start, recently I have taken on the care of my mother who has had 2 strokes, is 74, & who tries to sabotage everything I do for her in an attempt to get her care. In my effort to deal with my constant stress & outbursts I have found this forum, perhaps others might be able to help & bring some light into an otherwise difficult situation.
I live overseas with a loving & caring husband, am 50 years with no children. Furthermore my husband is a cancer patient, thankfully in remission. Recently my mother had another fall & then got pneumonia, this is when we both agreed I had to step in & help, but the situation is delicate.
As a single mother my parent went through much trouble & many challenges, when I was 4 she became an alcohol & pill abuser (valium) & was virtually absent for most of my childhood years.
Her boyfriends would abuse me, then sexually groom & abuse me, she was so out of it she claimed to have known nothing, even though the house was littered with child pornography in their attempt to groom me, making it look 'normal'.
One day when I was 7 one of my teachers was chatting to another about her boyfriend, I happened to be close by. I over heard them talking about their partners & popped up to tell them about how my mums boyfriend also 'touches' me & shows me his privates. This is when the proverbial 'sh*t' hit the fan.
That night, after social workers had come & gone & mum was being questioned & targeted by authorities, she got really drunk & took loads of pills & then did terrible things to me. I was passed out for 3 days from the abuse. Then she took me & went on the run. This was the 70's, it was easier then to just disappear.
For years she never sexually abused me again but she did torture & abuse me physically & mentally in every possible conceivable way. Neglect, punishment, denying me food, disappearing for days on end, undermining me, always critical, embarrassing me in public, I cannot begin to describe my childhood years.
When I turned 12 she married a terrible man, who also abused me physically, mentally and sexually. At 15 I ran away from home & lived on the streets.
Eventually at 21 we contacted one another again, she had divorced & was in a same sex relationship with a lovely lady who wanted us to patch things up. It was a tenuous & strained time, but we did manage to sort things out, though she never acknowledged what had happened or asked to discuss the 'dark years'.
As time went by I managed to go to school, then finished Uni. I became a volunteer for the Red Cross with the Disaster & Response Team, took part in many missions around the world. I was awarded the Red Cross Silver Medal for my contributions to the alleviation of mankind's suffering.
I completed 3 post grad degrees in Biosciences and Genetics & carved out a great career in Science. I travelled & did wonderful things, got married to the love of my life.
A while ago mum started to have more falls from her strokes, then she got pneumonia. This was when we decided to see if I can help as she had split from her partner & was alone.
Her care is extensive and inclusive & she has access to all sorts of providers but she keeps sabotaging plans & tells them she is ok. She can hardly get up from her old faulty armchair & often has little 'accidents' but is adamant that she does not! She sabotages attempts at OH visits for home modification whereas other things she can do, like pick up her clothes or wash her plate, she expects others to do for her & acts like she should be served.
I have decided to stay a few months in order to put care into place but she is forever tripping up plans, demanding undivided attention & is always wanting me to wait on her hand & foot.
I have started to question myself & whether all the things that happened in the past are the reasons for my frequent outbursts & mood swings, nthing violent or angry, bt always making me feel as if though I am a bad person.
Thnx 4 reading
There is never a good reason for a survivor of childhood abuse to provide care to their abuser. None at all.
You say your conscience and love are your driving forces to stay with her. Those don't need to be sacrificed if you provide outside independent care for her. Get the state or an agency involved in her care. Your compassion is actually a liability in this case both for yourself and her. It causes you stress and angst and it prevents her from proper care, both physically and mentally.
She will never agree to your leaving, so seek where you find love not hate. Go home.
You have your own life and have made a success of yourself in spite of her. You cannot be her savior.
Beattie is right, "There will be no solution as long as you appear to be the solution". Truth.
I believe you when you say she has dementia and brain damage from the strokes. She probably also has wet-brain (alcoholic dementia) caused by years of alcoholism and drug abuse. Her strokes could very likely have been caused by alcohol-induced seizures. That's her doing.
Don't accept her excuses that she was too wasted or drunk to realize her boyfriends were abusing you. That is the classic manipulation tactic addicts/alcoholics use towards the people in their life when they become needy or need an enabler. Please don't buy that line of crap for one second. Mark me, she knew what was going on, but staying drunk or wasted was a higher priority than her child. Help her because you're a good person with a kind heart. Don't forget that you're not a priority to mom. You never were and you never will be. She's needy now, but weren't you needy when you were a child suffering in abuse? Or a 15 year old out on the street? The outbursts and mood swings are triggered by being around your mother. It is her fault that you suffered such heinous abuse when you were a kid because she put you in those situations and did nothing to stop or prevent it. Many times when terrible abuse happens to people when they're kids, in their adult life they feel like they're bad and did something wrong. You didn't do anything bad or wrong.
I'm not a religious person but I'm going a little bit biblical here.
You reap what you sow.
Go back to your husband and let the state sort your mother out. Walk away from her and don't look back.
At 17, I also left home, studied, married a good man, and moved abroad. Eventually, I moved back with my own family, but still thousands of miles away from my parent. So as my parent weakened and grew more ill very, very slowly over the last 20 years, yes, I was involved. I limited my involvement as much as possible, but I was involved. That involvement meant many more years of verbal and emotional abuse, and an increase in my own health issues caused by stress, sadness, depression, guilt, etc.
This parent died a month ago in their mid-90s. The two weeks before my parent died were wrenching, and I was there, but just for the last two weeks. Even then, when my parent was in hospital being moved by nurses and I was there, it was me that my parent would be yelling at. After my parent died, I started having recurring nightmares of my parent in the coffin sitting up at the memorial service and screaming and swearing at me. Even at the end, it was my fault that we were having a memorial service, as my parent wasn't dead yet. How could I have been so stupid as to not realize this?
That is the story of my life with my parent.
Now I am also going through the house, cleaning it out, and dealing with the estate. As my parent was a classic narcissist, the small community sees my parent as one of the best human being that ever walked the earth. The cognitive dissonance of this is very difficult, but somehow I feel it is part of the process I need to go through, and also to realize my parent, in one realm, was a good person and healed many. And this, in some ways, is helping me to forgive, or at least, process the many inconsistencies of the human condition.
My point is, that, I did continue to be involved with my parent. I have been in therapy for a while now, and I will continue. I wish I could have just detached, but I couldn't. I hope that whatever decision or compromise you come to regarding the care of your mother, it is one that frees you from the past and the present.
Although she might want you to care for her, stand firm, make the arrangements needed to get her the professional mental and physical care she needs and continue to live your life. Limit contact and set boundaries. Don't move to be with her and move her to be near you unless it will make things easier for YOU! Find good professional carers, maybe hire a geriatric care manager, use social services, find whatever it is that's takes the onus of care from you and passes it on to others. I know this isn't the common wisdom, and as I said, if I could have not cared for my parent, I would have, but this is what worked for me.
thank you for taking the time to reply and to share your story and advice. I am sorry for what you went through and I am in tune with what you say. My husband is on the same boat as you, ie: get her the care she needs and then get out of there and come home.
You mentioned your parent being considered a pillar of the community and the fact that they managed to sculpt a life of honour and apparent dignity whilst having committed these horrible things, this is concurrent with what I am experiencing, no-one around her knows what happened in the past, neither to her nor to me.
My husband also rings the bells constantly about not becoming depressed and withdrawn, as is often the case with relationships like this. He insists I take time out for walks and personal time out. Basically he tells me not to forget to take care of myself as sometimes the child in me wants to crawl under the blankets and never come out.
As others have mentioned I have considered seeking help in the form of a psychotherapist, someone who might be able to shed some light into some of the feelings I have, this was my initial reason for the post, I needed help in trying to understand what is happening to me mentally and to also avoid becoming nasty and scathing with virtually everything she does.
It seems to me she is trying to trip up efforts being made to put care into place, but after deliberation on posts regarding her mental state, I am coming to understand things in a different light. Yesterday was a difficult day, today is better.
It takes a certain kind of person, a certain kind of mentality to dive into darkness in order to bring about light. I was witness to many such people working and volunteering with the Red Cross. I met Nelson Mandela once, who told me this : 'My time for being a Hero has come and gone, now it is your time to show me what kind of a Hero you are.' I interpreted this as : The world is full of gloom and misery, only love and patience can make a difference, but sometimes love and patience are harder to generate than darkness and pain, sometimes it is easier to turn away from situations rather than face them with dignity and hope.
I don't know about me just yet, but regarding you I know this. I have watched many people die in all sorts of situations, death is not usually an easy process, it takes courage to hold someone whilst they are passing, many people turn away. You however did not, even after what happened to you. I am guessing that makes you a Hero.
Pax et Lux my friend
I truly admire the compassion and mercy that you have in your heart. Use this compassion for worthy causes. PLEASE STOP WASTING IT ON YOUR MOM!
You are a better woman than I could ever be, actually you have more compassion than most people are capable of.
I believe in forgiveness. I believe in compassion and mercy. Here’s the thing, though. There are limits! You must set boundaries, if you are going to pursue this endeavor of helping your mom in her senior years. Personally, I would walk, no make that run away as fast as I could. She is most likely mentally ill and incredibly selfish. She doesn’t care about your needs.
You have the most incredible ‘comeback’ story of anyone that has posted on this site! You have accomplished so much in your life. You are a remarkable woman! You have a husband who loves you. You love him. Go back overseas to live your life. Don’t waste your time and energy on a ‘so called’ mother that was never there for you, because she won’t change or appreciate your efforts. She is still USING you! Stop allowing her to manipulate your emotions. Her grooming days must come to an end. Seek therapy, so you can start to see things in their true perspective.
You cannot help someone who refuses help. You will not be able to reason with her. I don’t believe in vengeance, BUT I do believe in consequences for actions. She put you through utter HELL as a child, but she can’t live in a ‘home?’ YES, SHE CAN!
You have misguided compassion for your mom. You DO NOT OWE your mom anything! Forgiveness is for YOU and your peace of mind. It is about you not carrying these horrible occurrences (ABUSE) that you lived through, with you until your death. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s YOU!
I am sorry for being so harsh. I am not trying to hurt you. I care enough to tell you the truth. This won’t end well, if you continue in the direction that you are going.
I care about people. I grew up with an addict. I have enormous compassion for addicts and people who have mental and physical health issues. I tried to help my brother in his senior years. I ran into brick wall after brick wall! I could not allow him to destroy my life. I speak from experience. I had to cut him off. I did see him before he died. I forgave him. I believe he experienced regret and remorse. My brother never physically abused me
though. Your situation takes the cake!
Please return to your home. Be at peace. We care and are here to help. Take care. Sending many, many hugs your way.
For those that ask, I apologise for not completing my profile, I have just literally subscribed to this forum, after having spent weeks reading other people's responses to various troubles they too are facing with the care of a loved one.
No I do not have kids, yes I am happily married, if there is some confusion, mea culpa.
I am currently in Adelaide South Australia, where mum is, my husband and however I live in the UK. As I mentioned in my initial post, care is abundant and extensive here, the problem are not the resources on offer, rather the mental and psychological issues at hand, therefore I am questioning whether prior negative experiences are having an effect at the quality of care I can offer someone who is vulnerable and frail.
Re-reading my post and all your responses I can actually glean a few things from differing perspectives that I could not have seen on my own, I am very grateful.
Yes dementia and brain damage from her strokes and PTSD! It really sheds light into other behaviours too intricate to dwell on here, ie incontinence, and of course growing old and memory issues. Bingo! Like a light went on in my head! Sometimes she just sits and stares blankly ahead and other times she seems a little more depressed than usual. I have tried talking to her GP about this but he seems to think its natural. There was an article about this in the Guardian recently I found very interesting.
Somewhere here I have to add that I also realised that not once did I add the word 'Love' in my post. The fact is I do love her deeply, and I have forgiven her many times over, the act of forgiveness has permitted for me to carry on rather than fester in hate. It was liberating.
Nothing is ever as simple or as final as it seems, this story starts somewhere with her being abused as a young child too, and quite imaginably most of the women generations before her. Perhaps we are just the result of ancestral karma and the resonance of matriarchal pain coursing through our DNA. Just something I have been dwelling on...
As for the other responses, I tried to run, I tried to turn away and never come back so many many times. but my conscience and love remained my driving sources. I supposed they will continue to be.
Once again 'Thank you', this forum makes me feel I am not alone and that I am actually being heard.
Be safe
Your mother is very lucky you don't believe in the philosophy of do unto others as they have done to you. What you went through as a child is an tragic horror story and your mother is the author of this story.
Now your mother is the author of a new story where she is the helpless senior who must be served on her terms. If you want to help her this has to stop otherwise you are just going to be used by this woman until you are no longer useful to her. If she wants your help it has to be on your terms not hers. If she refuses give yourself permission to walk away.
Has your mother ever apologized for what she did to you? Has she ever told you she loved you?
She already stole your childhood. Don't let her steal another potential 20 years of your life trying to do what she never did for you.
My initial reaction to reading your story is: You are not the person who should be taking care of her hands-on.
That you are willing to, after all she put you through, is amazing, and commendable of the quality of person you made yourself to be. But, oddly perhaps, I looked from the opposite side, from your mother’s perspective, and think that being cared for by, and in the control of, the person she tortured and abused all those years is not the best choice for her, and is likely a factor in her behavior pattern.
I am unfamiliar with the system in Australia, but, IMO, best for both of you is for you to contact whoever you can, tell the situation and backstory, and offer to help *by email contact from your home in the UK*, then get on an airplane and go home. Let your help be from a safe distance for both your sakes.
We all feel the emotion of guilt. We are conditioned that we're supposed to care for our elderly parents even if they were abusive.
No one should take on the task of being a caregiver out of guilt. No one should have it put on them when they don't choose it.
This is when resentment happens and resentment will turn to hate at some point.