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Guilt infers responsibility. And you aren't responsible for this happening. You didn't create age and debility and wish it upon the one you love. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Therefore guilt is the wrong word, and the words we repeat to ourselves over and over truly matter.
Try to do a changeover to the other g-word, which is GRIEF, the word appropriate for what you and your loved one is experiencing daily now in terms of loss.
Grief brings mourning and this is worth crying over.

So that takes care of the guilt portion of this.
On to the bro. You know him. He isn't changed. And you know you cannot expect to change others. He isn't in charge (I assume); you are. Embrace that responsibility and move on. He will have to come to his own peace best he can.

Everything you have said here tells us that you have helped lovingly and honestly, and that your heart is absolutely breaking. So that leaves you AND Mom heartbroken and grieving. Don't try to walk away from that grief. Let it happen. There is a beauty in grief that comes of love. Your mother, given the state of this our world is more lucky than most-- blessed, even.
If someone who has helped and accomplished all that YOU have for your Mom cannot embrace and take joy and comfort of that, where exactly are we?

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the heartbreak for you and your mom. Help her put together a scrapbook. Talk to her about her memories. Make your OWN memories. We have one life and your mom's is drawing now to a close. Please don't waste time with feeling inappropriate guilt. Please allow yourself to take joy in this your mom's last time on earth, and in your loving her as you do.
While you live she will never truly be gone. Trust me, I am 80, and my Mom I carry with me in all I do.
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So many people can identify with the caregiver situations that I found myself responding to the replies in this post thinking it was the one I posted a short time ago. My apologies. I too, have had to be the strong one, the coordinator, the negotiator, the problem solver, the mediator, etc. etc. It is exhausting and breeds tremendous resentment when there are other family members who can support you and choose not to or believe they can't or don't know how. I had similar experience with my brother and it took some time but thankfully he came around and is now a tremendous support. That will not be everyone's outcome, but before he came around, I found invaluable support from this forum and reached out to my friends for support as I realized I was shutting them out because I was not taking care of myself. Prayers up for you. One thing about this forum is you are never alone!
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May I ask what medication assisted with sundowning?
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Sounds to me like you did right by your mom. Change is hard but she will adjust with time.
The story of the unhelpful yet critical brother is so common. I have one as well.
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