I'm the primary caregiver to mom (87) who is very bitter with her circumstances. She is difficult to deal with and has admitted to lying to me to get her way about things. Overall, her health is decent and she is able to still cook small meals for herself. Not able or doesn't care to tidy her apartment which creates alot of clutter that can lead to a fall. She's had several mini strokes and fought with us kids about her selling her car. She has been suspended by the DMV which is an ongoing battle. I drive her almost anywhere she wants to go a couple of times a week. She's an extremely independent minded person. She's been prescribed medications for depression & anxiety which is making this a hard road for me because I suffer from the same issue. There is much more I can "message" but this hopefully will be a good start for some responses.... I hope.
"very bitter with her circumstances"
You got it. Who wants to lose their independence?
Be empathetic - "Yeah, old age sure ain't for sissies". Then shrug off the misery & move things along. Kiss it better then back out to play.
Her feelings about aging are valid. But also her own. It's not your job to make her happy.
Set a schedule and stick to it. Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area? They will do a needs assessment and if she qualifies she can receive help with light housekeeping, preparing light meals and offering companionship.
I has this service for my mom and it relieved me of those responsibilities for a few hours. They bathed mom, fed her, cleaned her room and even played cards with her. Give it a try.
I hope things improve for you soon. Wishing you peace.
I think that you have to let things go. Let her live how she chooses, it's her place and she can be a messy housekeeper. It really is okay to ignore that. I know that you worry but, you have to pick your battles at this stage and that is not one worth fighting, in my opinion and my experience.
Set boundaries with her and your time. Maybe one day a week for shopping and appointments. Maybe every two weeks, whatever works for you. You can be in charge of your help to her and you will find it is easier to deal with her when you are in control of what you do for her.
It is okay to hang up or walk away when she is sucking the life out of you.