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My father, who is 76, lives with me as he shouldn't live alone without assistance. He does have an aide that comes in and helps with some assistance he needs. I work full time and like to spend my days at home, but here's the issue. My home has no doors (besides the basement and something for thr bathroom) and is a small home. For the most part he can do a lot by himself but there is no privacy. I can hear everything that goes on at any given time. I feel like i have to leave my own home to get any peace, which I feel I shouldn't have to do. Dad also doesn't want to go to a nursing home or any facility. I dont even have anyone over because there is no privacy and I dont want to expose anyone else to my situation.
How have others handled losing freedom and having their own lives while caregiving? It has burned me out and I dread coming home from a 12 hour shift for him to tell me things like he got the mail, how his day was ect. I dont want to sound cruel or meal but I just dont care at this point. We have had a very rocky relationship and I made the wrong decision to care for him about 4 years ago.

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Please don't pay attention to bible verses being used as the poster wishes instead of as they were intended! Caring for an elderly parent can be accomplished in many different ways, not only by in home cohabitating, especially when it's not working for YOU.

I grew up in a home where my father guilted my mother into taking her mother in to live with us when she was widowed at a young age. My mother was SO resentful at the situation, living in a small house with zero privacy, that they fought constantly. The atmosphere in the house, while dad worked long hours and was unaware, was horrendous and the stress was unbearable. My childhood was ruined, my mother's life was ruined, and the relationship between the 3 of us was permanently strained.

Based on that nightmare, I vowed to never take my parents in to live with me in their old age. They lived in IL, then AL and then mom went into Memory Care for the last 3 years of her life. I was their advocate for 10 plus years, managing their entire LIVES for them, medical crises, doctor appointments, rehabs, hospitals, surgeries, you name it, I handled it. But I went home to my husband at night and slept in peace and privacy.

My parents had socialization, autonomy, beautiful apartments, great care and fine meals the entire time.

Nobody will ever sell me the bill of goods about "karma" or "forsaking" my parents in their old age. It's just a bunch of nonsense used to justify choices made that do not take BOTH party's lives into consideration.

Get dad placed asap and don't buy into anyone telling you it's wrong. It's not. It's a win-win situation for both of you.

You are ALSO entitled to live a life of happiness, my friend.
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GSDlover Aug 21, 2025
Lealonnie~I’m so glad you wrote this, it’s exactly how I feel and wrote, in not as eloquent words down below. The guilting on here though only occasional, is not helpful since the majority on here are here because of not ideal situations current and past.
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You gave away your freedom. You are the only one who can reclaim it.

Nowhere is it written that we have to take care of our parents. They're supposed to save and plan for their old age. You are too!

Tell dad you will help him find a great place to live. I can't imagine why a 76-year-old man wouldn't want his own life, own friends, people to hang out with, and a home of his own choosing. No nursing home unless doctor orders it. No facility if he can provide better.

If he has no money, there are low-cost senior facilities and he needs to be on a wait list. I wish you luck in extricating yourself from a situation that never should have started.
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Well at least I'm glad to hear that you now regret your decision to have your father move in with you, which most adult children do after the fact.
It really doesn't matter at this point that your father doesn't want to go to a nursing facility, as he really doesn't get a say any more, unless he wants to move into his own place and hire 24/7 care with his own money.
This is YOUR home and you deserve to live in peace and have privacy in your own home.
So time for a come to Jesus meeting with your father to let him know that things are just not working out and that he will have to move out by the end of September.
And if money is an issue with your father he'll have to apply for Medicaid.
I wish you well in taking your life and home back.
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I don’t know how old you are. But I’m over 55 years and have considered moving into Independent living in a city and location that I like. Big city, big medical center at my doorstep where I receive care. I pay for my accommodation from my funds. Elderly parent moves into AL or MC or if IL appropriate, and they pay for their care. We are both supported by care staff and the structure of the care community. Parent pays for their care at MC or AL. There is nowhere else for them to go then. Not my home, I live here too. Because I need support. I can continue to work and come and go but I have no home other than IL. Nothing for the parent to move into and to assume me into caregiving. I realize this takes money on the parent end and an independent life on the adult child and also money. It’s something to consider. No farms, ranches, livestock, elaborate gardens, quilting supplies, home canning, and far fetched hobbies and dreams that worked when everyone was young and healthy. They take what fits in a medium sized box. And photos. Propping up a unsustainable lifestyle for the elderly is part of the problem for the adult child. Reality and practicality. No yard, no utility bills, limited pet care, transportation to grocery store and doctor appointments. Reading, watching tv, meals provided, visiting with fellow residents,?activities they can choose to participate in or not. Lock and leave for the adult child and parent has care. Just something to consider.
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Goddatter Aug 16, 2025
This is a very astute summary and observation. Well said.
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You tell Dad that this is no longer working.
You tell Dad that you need your privacy.
You tell Dad he needs to move out to assisted living . That you can not be his assistant any longer but that you will assist him in finding a new place to live with an entire staff , and socialization and activities .

This will only get worse the longer he stays.
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waytomisery Aug 21, 2025
4 years of very close quarters , no privacy in your own home is enough . You dread coming home . You’ve reached your limit .
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My grandfather had already severed the rest of his familial relationships before he moved in with us and it was the WORST decision I ever made. My family suffered through all his mood swings, accusations, demands, threats and anger and we never had any time to ourselves. My relationship with my children was strained, my relationship with my husband was strained and the relationships we had outside the home with other family members and friends were almost gone. I felt like a slave to his every whim and although my husband and I both work long hours he expected us to be his only entertainment. EVERY SINGLE DAY

Im scared to say we were 'lucky' that he had an mental break (most people get sensitive about stuff like that) but it got him out of the home and where he needed to be. NOW the relationship is on my terms. I see him when I want to and if he treats me bad I know I can leave. He has tried numerous times to change the narrative on how things happened but he was never a nice person and I made the mistake of feeling sorry for him. PLEASE save yourself. I know that if it had gone on I would have ended up in the hospital. I have finally started spending time taking care of me and my husband and spending quality time with all the people I missed while he was at home.

It is not cruel to want a life of your own. Its not cruel to feel trapped. Its cruel to YOU to continue.
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“We have had a very rocky relationship ….”

Rober136, one dynamic we see on this forum quite frequently is that of adult children of difficult, absent or abusive parents getting themselves into thoroughly miserable caregiving situations seemingly in the hope of finally “earning” the parents’ love that had been withheld during their childhood. It doesn’t seem to work. 😞

All the best to you as you determine what can work for both you and your father.
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Gigi1952 Aug 21, 2025
Thank you for responding to Rober136 with your insightful comment. For those who DID NOT have abusive parents, you are fortunate. You'll never know what it was like to have a narcissitic parent. Many of us, as you so well said SnoppyLove, are still trying or tried to get that unconditional love we didnt receive as children. You addressed it so well. Ty. 🌷
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I certainly understand coming home from work and just wanting some peace.
If you had such a rocky relationship, why did you take him into your small home? Of course, he is going to want to talk to your after your shift, you live together and that is what people who live together do.

What is your end goal here? Do you want him to move out? Can he move out? Nothing wrong with telling him this isn't working out for you. You just don't want to have to entertain him after an exhausting day, I get it. Would he understand this if you had a heart to heart with him? Could he go out to adult daycare during the day to get him around other so you aren't his sole source of entertainment?
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It really comes down to you having an honest discussion with YOU to determine how much longer you can do this.... and if you'd feel WORSE placing him in a home. There's no right/wrong answer, but you have to consider both sides, while remaining completely honest with yourself.

My dad passed 5 months ago after living with my husband and I for 3.5 years, but I was beginning to need to find concrete options to allow my husband and I to have a normal life again, even if he still lived in our home. Others around me were telling me it "was time" to place him somewhere, but I frequently checked in with myself to determine the state of my mental health. If I could do it for another day, then I was still ok to continue. When that answer was "no" then the change would have been swift an imminent.

In hindsight, I find peace that I allowed dad to stay until his time here was over...but even if that hadn't been the case, I know he ultimately would have been ok and would understand (at a spiritual level, even if his brain wasn't capable of understanding). Whether you and your dad have that relationship doesn't matter... regardless, at a human level, none of us can expect a loved one to give up their life and existence and devote their lives to care for us. He's very lucky and blessed to have had you this long... if you decide "it's time" for you to live your life again, it's okay.

It will be okay.
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Foamergirl Aug 21, 2025
I think I've seen the words posted before "none of us can expect a loved one to give up their live and existence and devote their lives to care for us". My husband expects exactly that, has ever since he became ill. He always asks me when I'm going to quit my job, stay at home and take care of him, etc. I refuse to do it, so hire in home care for him. I still feel guilt, but his sucking the life out of me even at my continuing to allow him to stay at home and not go in to long term care (at his request) has caused me such pain, physically and emotionally.
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I think you have to look at any caregiving situation to see if it is sustainable. It might be for awhile, but when it no longer is, another decision will need to be made.

Your situation is not sustainable, and the time to act is now. You deserve better than this. Start now to find a nice placement for Dad, whether he likes it or not, he's not making the decisions any more, you are.

Get him out as soon as you possibly can and don't second guess yourself.
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