My 88-yr old dad moved to a very remote Texas town about 20 years ago. He is 3 hours from the nearest city/airport. My sister and I live in Colorado, a 2-day drive away.
He has been independent, mobile, and in good health until recently. His phone stopped working several months ago and my sister and I could not reach him (he rarely if ever calls us, even when his phone is working).
One of his friends got in touch to let us know our dad has lost 20lbs in the past 2 months (weight he couldn't afford to lose), seems disoriented, and claims he has no appetite. So last week I took time off work to drive down to see what's up.
He is confused, living in a trailer in absolute filth with no running water, mouse droppings everywhere (including inside his fridge), and he's an absolute skeleton. Also incontinent and unaware/uncaring. Thank goodness I got his signature giving me medical and durable POA while I was there. I kind of forced him to go to the local clinic, first time for a checkup in over 30 years. Although he is wasting away, his bloodwork suggests no major physical issues except dehydration. But he scored 0/5 on the cognitive assessment. His memory is shot, e.g., he can't remember my mother's name (his ex-wife) nor conversations that happened earlier in the day, and obviously he's forgetting to eat too. And he still drives (!!). Doc said he should not drive and shouldn't be living alone. He has VA benefits but we're not sure if he has Medicare. I paid out of pocket for his clinic visit and labs. There is no VA where he lives and he has said that if he ever needs medical care to take him anywhere but to the local hospital. There are also no assisted living facilities and no home health care services, outside of meals on wheels which he refused.
My sister has invited him to move in with her for a while, at least through the winter, but he refuses. All his friends suggest we just put him in the car, tell him we are going on a short trip, get him a milkshake, and then drive him to Colorado. Basically, kidnap him. He likely wouldn't notice given his current state of mind, but he is actually lucid about 50% of the time and will of course notice at some point. They also suggested we tell him that it's only temporary, that he should come hang out with his kids for a few months and once it warms up again in spring we'll take him back to Texas. Once in CO, we will take him to the VA for a more formal cognitive assessment and likely plan to find a local memory care place for him near to us, since it seems his body may outlive his brain.
My sister is making arrangements now to move him in. She has a one-way flight and a rental car lined up to get herself there, pack up dad and some of his stuff, and drive him back to CO. We sent Medicare his info and proof of POA and we should have access to his benefits soon. We are kind of in a state of shock and not sure how to navigate getting dad here, but he absolutely can't stay where he is. He is very docile, so we don't expect him to physically protest, but we're not sure how best to navigate this. It's happening so quickly. Any ideas/suggestions would be appreciated! Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
This is his big chance to say “filth rather than a care facility" or “kidnap rather than filth”.
Best of luck and keep us updated.
I would discourage you from contacting APS, no running water will get an emergency guardianship and take everything out of your family's hands. You DO NOT want the state of texas involved when you already have a good plan. I would encourage you to help your sister transport him though, 2 days can be a very challenging time for your dad and he could be too much for 1 person driving to handle, it comes with dementia.
Just gather dad up and move him to CO. As long as the people that care are all in agreement, your POAs will be fine. Problems come when somebody contests the validity of said documents, and you know that is not a problem.
I know many do not like APS and don't have good experiences with them. I myself as an RN had stellar experiences with both APS and CPS, and can't imagine what we would have done without them. As Burnt likes to remind folks, my experience was ALSO two decades ago. Things may have changed.
I am afraid at this point, you will need to get guardianship which is very expensive. Maybe better allowing the State to become guardian. Things will go quicker than if you try to.
Do what you feel is best. No one can make a decision for you. Some parents do live with their adult children, and it works out. Others, not so well. I don't think I could live with myself knowing that I left my parent in a state like that either.
If dad has regular Medicare and not Medicare Advantage, you can use regular Medicare in any state in the US. Call APS in his county and tell them your situation with dad and his state of living and what they would recommend. If need be, maybe sister can take him for about a month to get him to a doctor and checked out while APS is involved with the intention of returning him back home. Or, checking in with Medicaid and signing him up for it. That way, drug costs would be covered, hospital costs will be covered. Medicare only covers cost the first 100 days so make sure you get Medicaid coverage. I wouldn't advise you to pick of the tabs of any medical or placement costs since this can bankrupt you. You have to consider your own financial well being. Let his state handle the costs. If it gets too much for your sister and she feels she can't handle him, you can have dad Baker Act. Take him to the emergency room and tell them that sister can no longer handle dad.
Or, like Alva said, contact APS and let them take over. This of course is done in his own county where he is and you don't remove him from his home.
Also, contact the Department of Aging that can give you information on how to proceed with dad.
Things will work out.
I know you don't want to hear that but your sister is going to go through h*** and back again , with having your dad living with her. If his physical health is good, your sister will be completely stuck with a demented person for years
We get so many questions weekly of people in complete burnout because they brought there loved one in and can't do it anymore. This people are suicidal, even so desperate they commit them selves to 3 days in a ward to get a break. It happens, more times than you will ever know.
Yes you should be concerned for your dad but you need to be just as if not more concerned for your sisters physically and mental health.
Caregiver burnout out causes PTSD, causes all sorts of physical issues from irritable bowel -cancer. Not to mention how it will destroy her family.
So please get together with sis, have a meeting on the best way to help dad with limited effects on both of your , financial, mental, and physical health.
You “paid out of pocket for his clinic visit and labs”, and think that's worth mentioning. That’s a very different matter from paying anything for his care, at several thousand dollars a month - even for a few months before 'help' comes along. Think twice or three times before you and your sister pick up the tab, financially or emotionally or care-wise.
What does it mean to rip this gentleman from where he lives against his will, attempt the impossible in terms of change and care. Why? For what reason? A year or so more befuddled in a nursing home? Because surely that is where all this will lead given human limitations in taking over the life of another.
They may all rue the day that they chose to decide "what's best" here. IMHO.
I did ALOT for my parents but I drew the line at having them move in with me for fear my mother would never leave .
I would get APS involved , or Dad’s local County Area Agency of Aging to help navigate this .
I am also questioning your Dad signing the Power of Attorney as you had wrote "His memory is shot,". The Attorneys usually interviews the person alone, and from that interview decide if the person can understand the wording in a POA.
Glad to read that you and your sister will be looking into Memory Care facility for your Dad. Huge question, can your Dad afford the monthly rent at Memory Care? Such facilities cost between $5k-$10k per month depending on location. If your Dad is unable to budget for that cost, then you would need to look into Medicaid. Also check with a VA facility. Whatever you do, neither you or your sister pay for Dad's care, as you need those funds for when you get older.
Hope everything works out smoothly. Keep us up-to-date. Please fill out your Profile page, that way if you have other new questions, you won't need to keep re-typing the back story.
People on here, many of which have been down this road for a long time, can only go by the information given, and even then, only give their opinions based on their experiences. If you would give it a minute or two you may get several different opinions, some of which may line up better with your expectations…..if that’s what you really want. It’s up to you to take what you can use and discard the rest. No need to be offended. Like you, people on this forum are doing their best to sort out your question, with less personal info but perhaps more experience, to rely on.
I know you’re freaked out, you have every reason to be, but please give people a chance.
You have an uncooperative gentleman and you have an ILLEGAL POA signed by someone who is in no state to sign it. Whether it was witnessed by a notary or not (worthless junk if it wasn't) it is, without an attorney, not worth the paper it is written about. You have no right to move your father anywhere, and I doubt that your sister doubts the level of care she is currently agreeing to take on.
You are an adult. You and Sister will do what you wish to do. But this is starting out badly.
Were it me, I would now turn your father over to the state through a call to APS and their assessment of his competency to remain safely alone. The state will take on guardianship and management, will have your father properly assessed by a neurologist, will have guardianship of a Fiduciary assigned, will manage his SS and whatever assets he has, will apply for Medicaid and will place your Dad.
My best to you, whatever decision you and your sister come to together; I wish you all the luck in the world.