My parents (ages 90 & 80) have decided to sell their home in OR & move in with my husband and I in PA. Both have medical issues, but are relatively stable. I worry about this huge stressor and how it may affect them emotionally and medically. Can you recommend any resources to help them with the transition? Should I be worried? I would be devastated if something happened to either of them.
People are right, anything can happen, their fine one minute and not the next.
You can go online and do virtual tours...just for the record, I arrived in the South in an apartment with Independent Living. There is also Assisted Living, Memory Care, Physical Therapy, and doctors come to the apartment, blood draw, x-rays.
Downstairs is the dining room, hair salon, pub, etc. A City in itself. I had my relatives do a walk-through for me. I work remotely and I have help with my mother--I bring help in. It works for us and you can do lot of stuff online.
The Church people come weekly.
Down the road "A Place For Mom" will do the homework for you for free. You tell them what you need and start a file. Have a plan in place should something turn up at 2 o'clock in the morning. Tell them your budget and try to avoid the "buy-ins" where you give a chunk of $$$ and if placement is necessary down the road try to find a place with (2) meals per day as opposed to (1) for Independent Living as to avoid grocery shopping.
Make the changes as their health needs change but try to do some homework beforehand.
Recently I moved my mother from the Northeast to the South. I had my mother's primary care doctor give her a physical prior to the move and a panel of blood work. The group consensus was "move Mom while she could still be moved".
A plane was out of the question so Amtrak was the way. "We" travelled through New York and then into the beautiful new Patrick Moynihan Tunnel and took the Silver Star and got a "roomette with a bathroom/shower" lower bunk double bed.
Meal included in the club car with linens and flowers. Mom loved it and still talks about it. Depends on your starting point if you can do this or not.
Start cleaning out and donating asap. Take what they need and line up doctors asap. As long as they have their pillow/sheets the first night and their coffee cup in the morning for a sense of normalcy. Just get them there, the rest will take care of itself.
Line up all of their medications so you have spare on hand.
It was a big move I sat on the sofa and held my mother's hand and explained to her that we had to make a change. Fortunately, she was all for it! I read this beautiful passage in the Bible, "they were as sure-footed as wild horses, never stumbling as the Lord led them to a place of rest".
I was so sure of myself the morning of our move that it had to be God. It was sleeting, icy, the U-Haul truck was packed to the brim. I had to leave behind my Donna Karan velvet jacket, my Christmas dishes and other things I loved but I knew I would no longer be needing them. I had to make room for the new. I felt "sure-footed" and my mother grabbed my arm with her snow boots on and said "let's go", I knew then I was my mother's daughter!
Good luck.
You stated in a reply below that
“ they made the decision strictly on their own “.
Does that mean it was their idea to move in with you ? Did they ask to move in with you ? How much help are they expecting from you now and down the road as they age more ? Was any of this discussed ?
I understand that some families do ok with multigenerational living , with an in law suite etc . But at some point it gets too difficult if they depend on you for things , and either hired help is required to come in ( using the elderly persons money ) or they go into AL . At a minimum a family caregiver should be paid .
Step dad is a bit old to expect this living arrangement to work out without it impacting you significantly. He’s assisted living age . Perhaps you are their assisted living plan . Do you work ? Or is the plan that you are going to care for them ? And if so they need to know that you will need time off and they will have to accept and pay for hired caregivers from an agency as well .
It’s like when my father in law and his wife moved to Florida from NY “ before it was too late “ . The snowbirding back and forth between two condos in two states got to be too much.
As soon as they moved to Florida full time , it was one health issue after another . They should have gone to Independent senior living apt with meals and eventually assisted living , instead of selling two condos and buying a bigger one in Florida. It was too late . We knew it was too late but they wouldn’t listen .
I fear your parents are doing the same and should go to independent living where they can transition to assisted living .
Worried that your life, your marriage, your privacy, your alone time, your ability to go on vacation, your time with your children and grandchildren, your time with friends, and most importantly your sanity will never be the same.
Hopefully it's not too late to enact plan B...moving them into a nice assisted living facility near you.
There was a woman named Linda at my parents AL who was around 68 yrs old. She had a little dog and was living there about 5 yrs when my parents moved in. All she had were migraine headaches. But she wanted doctors in the bldg, help if needed, activities if she was in the mood, 3 hot meals a day, and a beautiful hotel like setting to live in.
Being 90 and 80 years old ALONE means your parents are ready for AL. You can move them in with you, of course, and become their AL, tend to all their medical issues yourself, if that's what you want, but don't delude yourself that Assisted Living is not warranted for them, as it most certainly is. Having TWO elders in your home will significantly impact and disrupt your lives and usurp all of your privacy, trust me on that. Have a strong Plan B in place for when you realize that.
So, as to your question. My folks moved to Colo from Fl when mom was 85 and dad was 88. Mom was SO stressed out by the move that she wound up with ulcerative colitis and hospitalized for 10 days with it. She then developed a DVT in her leg and had to have an IVF umbrella filter placed in her aorta at midnight on Christmas Eve. 2 weeks later she was back in the hospital with pulmonary emboli that escaped the umbrella and nearly killed her. She survived, however, and went back to their apartment in Senior Independent Living until dad fell and broke his hip. Then I had to get him into AL and mom moved out of her apt and in with him. After he died at 92, she developed dementia and moved into Memory Care Assisted Living where she stayed for 3 yrs until she passed at 95.
It was a wild ride of 10+ years for me, so strap on your seatbelt is all I can say. The only thing that saved my sanity and marriage was the ability to go home at night and sleep in peace, just the two of us.
Best of luck to you.
Having them move in with you may not be a good thing. You may find that Dad is not as good physically or mentally as thought. Mom could be propping him up. It has happened. A parent passes and family finds that parent was covering up Dementia symptoms or health issues of the other spouse. I will bet Dad has all kinds of expectations that you are not capable of doing or want to do. Boundaries will need to be set. You need to find out what their expectations are and nip them in the bud. If you still work, they will be home all day alone. You and dear husband will have no privacy unless u can set up your home with two separate living areas. We have many a post where a parent has moved in and took over. One couple was staying in their bedroom at night because Dad thought he deserved the livingroom. You must remember it your home and Dad has chose to live there. Your husband is man of the house, not Dad. You are the woman of the house, not Mom. There has to be respect on both sides or this won't work. And if you do not want to physically care for them, make that clear now. That when the time comes they need care beyond your capabilities, they will need to go to a facility.
My brother flew into AZ and flew back with them to FL where we placed them in AL. Went smoothly. The movers came and off they went.
If they move in with you, your life will never be the same, read around this site, many have tried this before and lost their ability to function as a family. The stress is beyond what one can handle.
They don’t need the type of care that would warrant assisted living or other facility. They still drive, but we will probably do most of the driving when they move.
They are planning on driving across the country when they move, but will be getting help from my husband, myself and other family members. We are checking into movers, PODS. A professional organizer will definitely come in handy. My stepdad is a bit of a pack rat. Lol.
I know by me there is a professional organizer that advertises in our local paper that she specializes in helping with downsizing and will do the packing of the boxes , arranges for donation , haul always , schedules the movers etc , She will also unpack and organize at the new home if it’s a local move .
On your end though , I do think it is better for all if they did not move in with you . How about a senior apartment for them or independent or assisted living based on their needs ?
Just read threads on the Forum how unhappy a lot of these situations end up when parents and adult children try to live together .
Are your parents driving cross country ?
Do you WANT them to move in with you?
Did THEY make this decision or did you suggest it?
Since both have medical issues are they going to have problems getting medical care quickly when they move? (some specialists are booked 8 to 10 months out for appointments.)
Are you prepared to care for 2 aging parents in your home or will you have to look for Assisted Living?
Check with your local Agency on Aging and or your local Senior Service center and find out what services are available for them.