My husband has 3 daughters that live in another state. They have never accepted me nor our marriage despite the fact we’ve been married for 35 years. They have always tried to cause conflict in our marriage and my husband has always allowed them to threaten me, cuss me..whatever. He has never set boundaries with them and has never understood why I felt there should be.
During Covid I got very sick and was in ICU, they were releasing me to go home under hospice care. He’s my husband, they were making decisions based on what he said. However, his daughter flew into town and took over. She said I was not going home, that her dad did not deserve to watch this and my husband went along with everything she said. He was actually going to divorce me despite them saying I only had a few weeks to months to live. I wasn’t afraid of dying I just wasn’t prepared to die with a broken heart. He was actually looking at sheds to fix up and put me into die alone… it went that far. I was on hospice for 1.5 years and I know I was a burden, but I can’t change what happened. I’m grateful, Lord only knows how thankful I am he stayed. Today I’m on Palliative Care, and I feel great. I’ve learned how to look at my husband without thinking about that period of our lives. I’ve actually began to wake up each day and think finally I love him more today than I did yesterday. I thought we had made great strides, then a few days before Christmas our phones started blowing up. His girls and grandchildren that NEVER check on him were calling threatening to come "kick my @ss." Calling me names and I had no clue what on earth was happening. During my panic and confusion I realize my husband is not saying anything except this is a big misunderstanding. They were sending him text saying don’t eat her food, come home where you’re loved. We want to take care of you. You can’t trust her. Now make no mistake, I’m done. I helped my husband pack and was sending him to these kids. I sincerely thought I was sending my husband to the airport instead he drove to our friends 9 hours away alone. He’s 86 years old. I was panicking. I had so many emotions but I was stricken with guilt that I had sent him away. I was out of my mind crazy that these grown women in their 60’s would speak to their father saying things they were saying.
As long as I’ve known my husband he calls his girls over and over, leaves text after text and he cries, he worries what he did wrong why they don’t answer his calls. One of them occasionally will pickup and says she is busy, call me between 3 and 4 tomorrow. He’s 86 people, do you know how lucky you are to have this man that loves you so much? No, they take it for granted. He is a big baby. I mean if he has a runny nose he’s dying and he’s definitely gotten a lot worse with age, but I have him. I call his Dr, I baby him, but I believe there’s something more that is happening I think. Maybe he felt neglected while I was in hospice and now he needs equal attention or he found a way for his kids to finally start calling him by complaining about me. I’ve started reading things and I’ve panicked realizing that he might be drifting into a place like a child and I’m suddenly scared he’s created this chaos. We can’t talk about his kids without him manipulating back on me. I asked him about us getting a living will, POA, etc and he goes ballistic thinking I’m really being mean about his kids. I told him if he wants his POA in his kids name, I will go along with whatever he wants… he just doesn’t think they would do anything wrong. I feel like he might be a liability now. God forbid he has a stroke or anything. If those kids think I’m capable of doing something to him now, I think they would make life a living hell. I know legally we have to do something. Finances are an issue and he throws that into the equation of not doing anything legally, but I’m praying for suggestions or ideas. Speaking to his girls is not an option. Anything?
When a man says his daughters are his best friends, walk away.
When a man says his dog is his best friend, run away.
When a man can't relate to human beings of his own age group as friends, there is something wrong. Seriously. I've seen it in many instances over a lifetime.
With your health you can't possibly care for this man if he has Dementia. You need to find someone to be your POA. Your husband can't be it. His girls would have too much influence for one thing and if he does have Dementia , he can't make decisions for you anyway. And at your age and health, husband should not have you as his POA.
You now take care of yourself. You see where your husbands loyalties lie.
In your position, the moment I came off hospice care I would have declared quits on the marriage and divorced, regardless of my financial situation. I mean, really, that he was going to stick you in a GD shed while you were on hospice care says more about the state of your marriage than anything else you have described.
BUT - you clearly did not divorce him, and you seem to have at least made peace with this "man". So again I ask, what sort of protection are you looking for?
I would find someone else to act as your POA and healthcare proxy. I would not trust him - and by extension, his daughters - to take on this task. A trusted friend or relative, or pay for a fiduciary to take on the responsibility. I would also go to the bank, or any other financial institutions in which I had comingled funds with this person, have them print out an accounting of exactly what is in the accounts, and then removed one half from them and open an account in my name only. Put the reports in a safety deposit box for safekeeping, so down the road when his daughters fight you on taking more than your "share" (even though, by law, you can clean the accounts out if they are in both your names) you have proof that you took only half. I would also have an emergency escape plan at the ready, even if it meant couch surfing with a friend or going to a woman's shelter.
I would also have him removed, via ambulance, the moment I suspected he had something more serious than a hang nail, if you are afraid his daughters would accuse you of deliberately harming him. No way would I take on home caregiving for this creature, the shed issue notwithstanding.
I am really curious as to the nature of your relationship with this man from the get-go. I have seen some messed up marriages in my time, but yours is. quite frankly, way far up there in F'ed up relationships. Your life, your marriage, your choice, but I would not stay in this mess for any amount of money out there.
I wish you well.
Then please stop talking to him about his daughters. You are tearing him apart, you and the girls. So you need to let go your end of him. Tell him you trust him to handle his girls as he sees fit, that you know he loves them and you know they love him, and BE QUIET about them. Just be polite when you see them and be QIUIET about them when you don't.
Ain't gonna change sweetie.
You either manage to put up with it for how ever long you or he lives or you leave or..and this is for him to do...he sets boundaries and puts his foot down and ...oh, heck that is not gonna happen.
I have to ask why do you love a man that lets anyone do this to you let alone his children.
Please see an attorney and make sure that YOU are protected for any eventuality that may happen.
How you survived in a 35 year marriage with a wuss(I'm trying hard to use nice words but he deserves to be called much worse)of a husband who NEVER had your back is beyond me. You would think that after almost dying that you would now have some sense and would have come to the conclusion that you deserve SO much better. But you haven't and that is heartbreaking.
So first thing Monday morning you call the best divorce lawyer you can afford and kick this piece of sh*t of a husband to the curb quicker than he knows what hit him.
And get on with living and enjoying the life you have left, because you already know just how precious life is and we never know what tomorrow hold for us.
Since we can only go by the information you provide, I am in strong agreement that the only thing "legally" you can do is to divorce asap to secure your half of the assets so that neither he nor his daughters can manipulate, sabotage or control your life going forward.
See a divorce attorney discretely -- do not tell him -- and the attorney will give you good guidance so that you cannot get screwed over or have things drag out. You will have the upper hand if he and his daughters don't know what you have planned. It's not cruel, it's just smart.
Also, you need to figure out who your PoA will be (hint: NOT HIM) so that you don't become a ward of a court-assigned legal guardian. Get ALL your legal ducks in a row at the same time with a certified elder law attorney.
A friend of mine has 4 adult kids and her husband (who recently passed away) was a jerk on many levels. They too were married a long time. She is a very successful realtor. She decided when her jerk husband caused them incredible financial headaches, that she would divorce him. The point was to protect herself financially. They continued to live in the same home together (which she now owned solely) but he couldn't touch any of her assets -- the ones she mostly earned and he wanted to piss away -- or ruin her credit rating. You have this option, too, if your husband agrees to it and you can stand doing it. But don't be a fool and continue to be financially and legally vulnerable to the daughters who despise you and your husband who continuously throws you under the bus.
The minute something happens to you, you already know what they have planned. So, you need to execute the next move first.
See a divorce lawyer yesterday, and rid yourself of this man-child and his insane family for good. You deserve so much better.
As a matter or interest, the daughters simply MUST have been given a line by their own mother that you were the wicked witch and that F was suckered by you. It might help if you find out what is happening with their M, his first W, now as well as after the divorce, plus if there is any dirt from the past. F clearly feels guilty about the original divorce, or he wouldn’t be acting like this. I wouldn’t normally suggest raking up the past, but in this case any mud you can throw might be very useful indeed.
We have had a wonderful, kind and caring relationship. I love this man. I have made it through this marriage this long because his children live in another state. The only time we have ever had problems is when they interfered and he wouldn’t say STOP.
Im so afraid it’s something worse like he has dementia and he’s in a place mentally where I don’t know how to hold onto him. I’m so afraid of how malicious they were this last time. How can I help him when they are trying to convince him I’m hurting him.
I can’t imagine me without him. How does older couples manage without each other? We only have our home, nothing else. I can’t get a job because of health reasons. I have no where to go. I don’t have the heart to throw dirt. I want to safely be able to take care of my husband without fear of what his daughters will do to me. I’m to old and fragile to sit in my living room fearing these women are going to show up at my door and take everything away from me..from us.
I would now want peace for myself. One gets too old for this sort of thing.
The is the end of life (I and my 38 years partner are 82 and 84) stuff;
if you can't be solid for one another now, then there is no hope whatsoever.
I would see an attorney for a divorce and division of assets. Take care that he and the girls are unaware as you do so, or they will come down like a ton of bricks. He now represents little more than a hated man with an inheritance to give them. They will be riding in like the Apocalypse.
You kicked him out to go to his daughters? He is 86 and drove alone 9 hours to a friend's home instead?
A totally dysfunctional situation that you believe your husband created for getting attention? You are feeling he is a liability now? How do you know he hasn't already set up POA and similar documents already?
Protect YOURSELF. See a lawyer.
No, I don’t know if he has another POA. I have asked because I suspected it but he swears he doesn’t.