My dad who lives alone and still works, had a serious complication to the flu shot several months ago and ended up in the hospital for four days. After receiving a blood transfusion, he slowly got better and was released home. I came down to care for him and after physical therapy he got back to his old self. About a month later he came down with the shingles in his arm and hand and between him having difficulty with pain and self-medicating, his health was declining swiftly. He was all but bedridden. I came again and got him through the troubles and back on his medicine correctly and determined though he is still able to do a lot he needs some basic care with meals, medication, and bathing. After months of discussions with my husband we decided to move in with my dad, (who lives in a huge house) and care for him. My siblings are on board and willing to help. Since we have moved in, my husband has progressively gotten angrier. We have been married for 20 years and he has always gotten along with my dad, but living together my husband became resentful. I do all the cleaning and cooking for both my husband and my dad and don’t mind it at all, but my husband became jealous of my dad. So, after talking my husband suggested it would be better to separate him and my dad. My dad agreed and we moved my dad into the living room and me and my husband have the den, so they do not see each other unless my husband comes into the living room to say hello to my dad. Now after 8 months, my husband says it’s still not working, and he is insisting we put dad in AL move back home. I love my dad and my husband and don’t know what to do.
Did you all forget what it's like to be burntout!!
It's not fun
And I don't get the impression that the OP is burned out at all, but is just wanting all of us to give her suggestions to make her husband stay in this unhealthy living arrangement that is no longer working for him.
She seems to be enjoying caring for her dad and all it entails, it is her husband that is causing her problems because he wants his old life back in his own home.
Sometimes the truth can be harsh, but often it is just what needs to be said, whether the OP's like it or not.
It is unfair, imo, to be criticizing your husband (what kind of a man is he?) just because he chooses to return home and not be a part of your caregiving plan.
Not to be taking sides here, just exploring the dynamics of the many things
that can go wrong. If it does not fit your situation, just ignore.
👨🦳️👩🦳️
👴👵
Maybe a visit to your doctors for each of you is called for?
Set yourself a challenge. Go for 24 hours (or 48 hours or even a week) without mentioning F to DH. If you find it difficult, you have an answer to your question.
My grandma lived with my parents for about 20 years and over time little things grandma did (and vice versa with my dad saying or not saying things) or said just built up the resentment and anger over time and both had a lot of animosity. Dad didn't want to kick her out but he also didn't think she would be there for 20 years in his house.
The poster who asked if you were ‘sleeping with your Dad’ wasn’t suggesting that you WERE doing that, just making the point that it’s yet another thing you do with husbands, and that there’s a big difference in the relationships. I'm quite shocked that you seem to take this as a genuine incest allegation.
If you don’t want to change, we can only wish you luck. And also hope that DH finds himself a life that satisfies him more, without transferring his unhappiness to you and your father. It does seem a pity to break up a good marriage over this. He has tried quite hard.
It reminds me of this post. The OP has a sincere desire of how she can make this work and for that she should be admired. But while in this case the issue is not physical space, it is emotional space, etc and it simply cannot be done, three humans in one space, just like two cars and a boat cannot be garaged in a two car garage.
The friend had to decide which vehicle should not be garaged at his home.
It's difficult for your husband though because he needs to share his wife with someone else. You can't do certain things that you would at home, like go out whenever. Or hubby might be talking to you and then dad calls your name.
I know from experience awhile ago, residing with hubby and dad. Hubby and I want to relax and my dad was screaming in the next room.
Parents shouldn't come between a marriage. We love our parents. But marriage is sacred and should be respected.
I was scared of your situation before we moved in
I have someone who comes into our home and cares for my father and my husband and I go on a date
I have one sister who will come and care for our dad while my husband and I get away for a few days
Being a caregiver is the most difficult job I’ve ever had but it’s a huge balancing game
You need to make your husband feel like a priority, and you need a break as well, a mental health break
When your dad passes, you are going to need him, your friend, your partner
I wish only health and happiness to you both