Our situation is two-fold. Mom is elderly and has my 50 year old Downs Syndrome Brother living with her. Since Dad passed away, it has been just the two of them. She has resisted all of our efforts to convince her to even look at an assisted living situation as well as to consider moving my brother to a group home. She has stated repeatedly that she wants him with her saying that it would be traumatic for him to move out. She won't even consider how traumatic it would be to him to find her injured or worse and THEN have to move out.
She'll ask him leading questions to make sure that he answers the way she wants him to.
When she had a fall and was hospitalized for over a week, our sons and nephews helped us taking turns staying with him and getting him to do various activities, go to bed and get up at a reasonable hour - all of which Mom has repealed and gone back to allowing him to go to bed and get up when he wants and watch TV literally all day except when he's eating.
A very good friend's mentally disabled son just turned 30. She lives in constant fear of dying before him. She visits possible group homes, but that's another broken heart in the making.
Perhaps you can talk mom into assisted living WITH her son. Wouldn't be the worst thing really.
Maybe it's time that mom isn't the final decision maker anymore.
This change NEVER goes over well, so don't expect it to.
Your brother is going to need a legal guardian at some point (soon) and you need to figure out if that's you.
The estate planning needs to take into account a special trust for him and insurance.
Before upsetting anybody with any big changes, I would definitely get thee to a lawyer immediately.
Your local United Way chapter may be able to offer you some resources for this kind of planning as well. The fact is, the status quo won't stay in place forever, so it's about getting ready to transition brother to whatever is next in a way that will be positive.
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I bet your Mother never even thought about that being an issue with your brother. A chat with your brother's doctor might help her.... sometimes our elders will listen to a doctor instead of their own grown children, even if we are saying the same identical thing.
Do your mother and brother currently have any support services in place? Would it be worth trying to get in touch with their health or social care teams for advice?