She has three able bodied sons close by, (my husband included) no daughters, and a mildly incapacitated husband. She is 86, her husband is 87. They do not have means generally nor to pay for care services, will NOT tolerate putting her into a nursing home under Medicaid under ANY circumstances, and so dad and sons elected for family care in the family home upon discharge from the hospital following a recent terminal diagnosis (Lung Cancer Stage 4) where no additional medical intervention was advised or could be tolerated they said; she was basically kicked out of the hospital as not deemed fatal within 6 days to qualify for inpatient hospice stay. Estimates of her mortality range from 1 week to 6 months. She is now covered under Medicare "level 1" Home Hospice (which means a nurse 2 x per week and an aide 3 x per week, both for an hour or less each visit ) for the time being, which still leaves a lot of care responsibilities to the family. A prior mild stroke 6 months ago and various other health issues have left her incontinent for some time even before this diagnosis. Recent additional issues (including partially collapsed lung, etc) have now also left her bed ridden with the incontinence. She is regularly needing a diaper change in bed for urine or feces as she is eating pretty well and otherwise doing pretty good at this time!
The boys are dividing 12-14 hours a day "on call" in the home to help their mom and dad. The 2 other daughters in law are also pitching in with diaper duty when visiting. I am not willing or comfortable with the diaper duty, have requested to help in ANY other way at the home ( shopping, cooking, serving, cleaning, etc) but am definitely feeling judged as unloving/uncaring because of my boundary regarding her most personal need. Am I wrong to resist diaper duty? Wrong to resent my husband for also expecting this help? Or is my husband/inlaw family wrong to expect it and equate this resistance with a lack of affection for her or them on my part? Please don't tell me " it gets easier".....I did it for my own own mother at her end of life, but this is not my mother and she has her own children.
You are not a bad person, nor a bad daughter in law. You are allowed to set boundaries for yourself about what you are willing to do.
Anyone who tells you differently is just plain wrong.
Peace and blessings.
No, ur a daughter in law. I don't feel that is your responsibility. And if your not comfortable with it don't do it. As said a catheter can be inserted.
I think doing what your willing to do is enough.
Look, we each have our own "no more" points when it comes to caregiving. Mine was "diaper duty". It was also washing mom's "private areas" when I gave her a shower. I would do everything else, but she was responsible for her hygiene "down there". It was just not something I was comfortable doing. And it wasn't the "eww, gross" factor; I cleaned up after enough accidents that she had. I think it was the knowledge that by doing that aspect of caregiving, then the parent/child dynamic would have been irrevocably changed, a change I fought against tooth and nail.
Now, in your situation, what I don't get is if you're showing a "lack of affection" towards you MIL by refusing to change diapers, what does that say about her sons who, I am assuming, aren't willing to take up that aspect of caring for mom? And if the sons ARE doing diaper duty normally, but then foisting it off on their wives when they happen to be around, well - that's just wrong on so many levels. I think this is more about 3 brothers comparing what their wives are willing - and NOT willing - to do for THEIR mother.
Stick to your guns, you don't have to prove your love for MIL to anyone.
From all of you, I feel better accepting that " so be it." Thank you thank you for reading, responding and listening. It has made all the difference to my aching heart <3
Warmly,
Sunny
Diapers/bathing was the line in the sand for me with own mother. Actually, a line in concrete!
BTW, I don't want my kids or even my husband to change my diapers if I'm unfortunate enough to need them.
please take care of yourself and the other family members need to do the same. Our elders sometimes are so dang stubborn about not wanting to go in to nursing home....at least now you have hospice, and they can provide service to you too...ask to speak wth social worker or chaplain....or you might want to talk to a therapist, they can give you answers that you can apply and just hang in there......all the caregivers on this forum have walked this path, some for 20 years., they will provide you with heartfelt compassion and empathy. Liz
People should only do what they are comfortable with, if that. Resentment can build if family is pushed. Expectations need to be leveled. God bless you for posting here.
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