Hello,
I am new to the forum and looking for opinions on my current situation. Over 1 year ago my grandfather died leaving behind my grandmother who has stage 5 Alzheimer’s disease and their elderly dog. They have significant assets and a rural home with land. They have 3 children, all women including my mom who still works.
after Grandads death my wife and I (childless and in our late 30s) received a phone call from my mother in tears crying that she needed me to move in with grandma because “ I can’t do it I need to work etc.
at the time my wife and I lived in a town 2 hours away. My wife has a great corporate job (fully remote) and I have been recovering from a major accident that’s required multiple surgeries (I’m out on disability) we had a lovely apartment in town with a robust social life and lots of community connections. Our lease was up so we agreed to make the move and do our part to help out. The family was overjoyed with the news we would be moving in with grandma to help. Everyone in the family all said how much they would help out and give us breaks as needed.
Awesome, right? Yeah not at all.
its been 1 year and I have provided around the clock supervision/care while my wife works 50 hour weeks in the home office. I get around on crutches and have constant pain and suffering of my own. In the past year I have had 2 major surgeries one of which was donating a kidney to my dying best friend (he is doing incredible)
I was hospitalized for 3 days after and required at home care from my wife when I got home. Grandma stayed with mom. The 3 days I was hospitalized. When I got back to grandmas house from the hospital mom was waiting in the house, having just gotten there with grandma. She immediately left and said she had to get to a dinner party. WTF? I just had major surgery and now I have to be full time caregiver as soon as I’m home? I was in extreme pain and needed help just to use the toilet. I somehow managed to take care of grandma while in extreme pain myself (wife absolutely had to work, so she helped as much as she could.
my family has been completely useless with helping out. They do almost nothing to help us and have essentially put us in a position where we provide 24/7 care for their demented mother. Grandma also has Bipolar disorder and was a wretched person and a horrible abusive mother. She is extremely difficult to deal with and honestly I have grown to not enjoy being around her because she is so difficult.
here is the kicker. We don’t get paid anything for all our help. Not a single penny for 24/7 care of a difficult elderly woman with advanced Alzheimer’s disease. Years ago my grandfather told everyone that he had written all the grandchildren out of the will because he wanted his kids to get everything. None of us cared because we all have our own money and success and our grandfather was kind of a bully and used manipulation tactics often.
now here we are providing 24/7 care to an abuser for free (mom and her siblings justify it in their opinions because we live rent free, LOL, the house is a run down old dump that I have always hated, it will be torn down when they sell it, the land however is gorgeous and worth a small fortune)
my question for all of you is this:
are we being taken advantage of (I think so)
what would you guys do in this situation?
thanks!
You will here find a great deal of advice and some will be a "fit" while some will be, to you, worthless. Take what you need and kick the rest to the curb. For myself I think that sympathy, much we might have it, doesn't really help people look realistically at their situations, which are almost ALWAYS of their own making.
No, you aren't being taken advantage of.
You are making very poor decisions.
You and your wife are adults. You are responsible for making your decisions for yourself.
It is time to explain to Grandmother's POA. You have asked what to do or what we would do in your situation:
So the letter goes:
Dear Cousin Bertie:
As POA for Grandmother I must let you know that we are leaving our caregiving position on __________(date. Make it at LEAST two months in future).
This will give you time to choose placement for grandmother or get in the help you choose for her continued care.
We recognize that it is our own fault that we didn't understand what was involved in caregiving, nor even know that we should have had a care contract to provide our services to grandmother. THAT is on US.
We wish you all good luck in future.
We will be moving on ________/ if by then you have not provided us with the names of qualified caretakers to replace us we will report grandmother for followup by APS.
You are not martyrs to fate. If you believe you are, I would ask that you consider how martyrs end. Generally filled with arrows or thrown on a funeral pyre to burn. Not a great job description.
Remember, you are an adult. Your choices in life are your own. WE ALL MAKE POOR CHOICES. They are often the best and surest way to learn. There is no shame in that. I truly wish you great good luck as you venture back out into your own lives.
Maybe you want validation that you are.
First I am surprised if you are on disability that they would allow you to donate a kidney and that you would considering the trauma you have been through but that is not what your post is about....
1. You and your wife should be getting paid to care for grandma.
2. If you are done caring for grandma let the rest of the family know that other arrangements have to be made and that you are going to move on.....and give them a date.
several things could happen.
1. Grandma's house and land can be sold to provide her with care in a MC facility.
2.Caregivers can be hired to come in and care for grandma if the land is sold and she retains the house.
3.Some other family member can come in and do what you have been doing.
Do not assume for 1 minute that you will get any inheritance. If family has not stepped up to help you at this juncture I think they have all mentally spent their inheritance and are just waiting ...
You and your wife need to do what you need to do to further your life and make the best for yourselves.
Family asked me to help aunt. I live out of state. No kids/Family. I did what I could, but they kind of expected me to move in with aunt and take care of her.
Mind you, the money I was spending to clean the house (incontinence) and feed her and run her to appointments, while they (family who live closer)did nothing. I mean nothing.
After I had taken my aunt to an appointment, she had a follow up appointment she needed to go to later that week. Well, I had to get back to my home and work, so I told my cousin that she had this appointment. My cousin says she has to work and can I stay longer to take aunt. I flat out refused and went home.
The more we do, the more people will attempt to get over. Mind you, I wasn't getting paid anything, either, and like you, I didn't enjoy being around my aunt with the yelling and being unable to calm her down for HOURS. YES. I SAID HOURS.
If you can, I suggest leaving and getting your life back.
I asked this very same question on this forum last year. I know what you're going through.
Also, aunt refuses to speak to me and says she's written me out of her will. I honestly do not care, so long as I have my freedom and health.
Anyway, it's time to move on. Tell your mother and her siblings that the free homecare gravy train you and your wife were providing for grandma has now come to a stop.
Find an apartment and tell the family what day you will be moving out. Then move and let that be the end of it. If they don't make another arrangement for grandma, abandon her and the state will take over.
I'm so sorry that you left your life behind to accept this non-paid position.
I wish you hadn't. But, here you are now.
You say that you believe the grandparents have significant assets. Grandma can afford to hire round-the-clock care. Or whatever care she needs.
It sounds like your mother and aunts wish to save the money as their inheritance.
It is not theirs.
Have a good talk with your grandmother, and your mother. Explain that you can no longer do this. Your health and your family (wife) are just as important, or more important than extended family. Especially a grandparent who can afford to pay for professional care.
Then, leave! Go back to the city you loved. The life you loved. You do not need to feel guilty. This is not your job. You can visit your family and provide help as you wish on your terms. Remember: This was really unfair to your spouse. She has made sacrifices to do this with you. This kind of thing can break marriages.
Don't let that happen.
Give mom your 2 weeks notice and get back to your own lives, you deserve to.
Grandma needs to be in Memory Care Assisted Living and everyone knows that. But her children, to save their "inheritance", figured they'd snooker you into doing the awful job for free and then tell you how Lucky you are for getting free rent in a dump. The going rate for caregivers is $30 per hour.
Bravo to you for donating your kidney to your best friend! You did an amazing thing and I hope you're paid back in many blessings moving forward.
Best of luck to you.
Remember that no one can use you unless you allow them.
Give the family 2 weeks notice to place Grandma, or hire 24/7 caregivers.
Don't waste the prime of your lives in caregiver slavery.
I'd move back to my old town too. Lesson learned.
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