I am about to get married and am very happy about this. My fiance and I live with his Mother who has Alzheimer's with Dementia stage 3. Because of my fiance's work schedule and routine health needs, I am home much of the time with my Mother In Law. It is not always easy because I have had to decrease my work hours to accomodate being home with her. Also, she has gotten in my face numerous times and even grabbed me in order to try and take things out of my hands, especially keys for my car. At times I don't want to be around her because of this however, I know that I am responsible for her. This sickens me in a way, because I feel forced. I want to to marry my fiance; but, I don't like feeling tied down with caring for her and not being able to do things for myself. So, I am getting to my point. Because of his health situation, there is the possibility that he might not be around in the long run. I hate to accept this and acknowledge this! But, I have to face reality. In the event something happens to him, he has told me that my Mother In Law would be with me and I would take care of her. I am having a hard time grasping this and haven't said anything to my husband. I do love her and definitely want to make sure she is cared for. Although I do not have a well paying job and can't even afford to pay for household bills. Any advice is appreciated.
Thank you!
I can see why he wants to marry you. I am having a little trouble understanding how this relationship is improving your life.
If it's going to be "because I love him and I know he loves me" then that is lovely and romantic. And you can move out and return to your full-time work and enjoy allowing your relationship with him to develop at its own pace. Meanwhile, he can make proper plans for his mother's care that do not rely on the continuing good health, goodwill and willing self-sacrifice of another person.
At the moment, he has acquired a live-in nurse who will also be his mother's future security should anything happen to him. The sacrifices you are having to make towards this are compensated... how? How is he making up for your lost earnings? What's happening to your pension and your security?
I am all for love and marriage and for people caring for people. But don't be a sucker.
first, quitting your job is a big mistake. Your own future depends on you own career and earning potential...also your own retirement. Please do not just throw that away.
you admit that your future husband has health issues and might not be around for long.....why are you marrying him? Sorry to say this and it might sound rather blunt but it sounds like he is marrying to get a unpaid nursemaid for Mom and set up himself for the same as it may be necessary for him too. Plus...are you really going to try to be sole caregiver AND wage earner for this dysfunctional setup?
if I were you..I would back out of the marriage for now. Insist he get full time PAID help for his mother and you go get a job. Build your future for yourself instead of sacrificing it to them.
You are 50. You are in your peak earning years. How many quarters of Social Security have you got? Have you calculated your PIA for ages 62 and for FRA? Do you qualify for SS (many teachers do not). What is your pension estimated to be?
Why are you cutting back on your hours at work if MIL has the funds to pay for care?
A trust that takes effect in 5 years? Why then? What if he dies tomorrow?
The trust will allow you and MIL to stay in the house? How will you pay for upkeep, utilities, food, and your current healthcare and future Medicare premiums?
Why are YOU paying for household bills?
I don't need the answers to these questions. But, my dear, YOU surely do.
Answered Aug 2, 2018
Screaming not acceptable. I feel like a monster - like I'm losing it. How do you cope?
I completely understand how you feel. It is best to turn around and walk away (easy to say; but, the best) My Mother in Law can be insulting and a bully. As a teacher, I have a great deal of patience; however, when she is sassing me and getting in my face I feel my blood pressure spike and I feel like I want yell. It takes a lot for me to be calm long enough to make sure I am safely away from her. When alone I feel like trembling jelly and want to just leave, never come back. I do love her and feel guilty when I feel myself losing my patience- which is my key to walk away. On one side I know this isn’t who she really is. But when someone is in my face and giving me a, sincerely, evil grin after trying to lock me outside or is grabbing my foot to get me to leave the house; I feel all my defenses brim over. I hope you are able to get some respite. It does help!! Best wishes!! Take care.
You NEED your job for your own future security. Your job provides you the ability to prepare for the years when you will be elderly. It provides an escape from the daily frustration of caring for MIL. It provides you the opportunity to build on a young person's character and experiences. What would you do without it?
Now, If he does die, does he have a large life insurance policy to pay the bills? Because even if with all your heart you love her & want to care for her, you’re still going to need money for the things you need/want.
I’m sorry & I hate to sound rude, but this doesn’t sound like a healthy, happy romance. Never marry thinking/hoping a situation/someone will improve. If you were my daughter/sister/friend, I would be begging you with tears in my eyes to break this off.
I don't know how old you are, but it seems to me that YOUR priority should be to get a better education and then a better job. I might be dead wrong here but it seems to me you're in the situation you're in because he can provide a roof over your head and support you because you can't do it yourself. HIS priority is to get a free full time caregiver/servant for his mother for the rest of her life.
If he truly loves and cares about you, he'll make sure you will be taken cared of after he dies, not just let you clear out the clutter after 4 years of asking.
Since you don't have a good paying job now, ten years down the road or whenever you're done taking care of MIL, you will not have any marketable skills, thus no job and no money, maybe no place to live too.
Unless the prenup stipulates that you will be financially taken care of for life, that prenup isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Everyone here is trying to shake you and make you see the danger of your situation, but you seem to be stuck on 'love.'