So PD, congestive heart, Cognitive able, standing, assisted walking. The meds alone are overwhelming the dosage adjusts are almost weekly. Three cats and dog that also require attention. Sibling currently living in home near same age. Ambulance rides every other week due to fall because brother can't seem to walk with her or assist properly, toilet is a self transfer out of lift chair, limited visiting care network can only do so much in short drop in's. I cannot keep a job and be the substitute yet the sibling dictates vacations at least 5 week long or longer. Sibling is a heavy drinker, Mother joins in (supposedly less often but it's a whatever issue at this age etc.) My home about 1 hour so not a large expense when needed but randomness and time is impossible to manage. Self care isn't a priority. Multiple refusals to assisted care. Legally possible to gain gaurdianship but it's a massive betrayal that circles back to the subject, a somewhat large, or used to be estate. The sibling of course is wishy washy and a total co-dependant who would undermine me on any given day, has medical POA, I am durable financial. Rock meet hard place.
more dignity than she’d have in a care facility. Old age decline lacks dignity no matter where we are.
She will lose her privacy when she’s incontinent. She’ll be reduced to being a child again when she can no longer feed herself. She’ll be likely to fall wherever she ages, and she’ll need someone to coax her naked into a shower if she lives long enough to be scared of the water.
Let go of your faulty reasoning pertaining to why you must live in servitude to an ideal that should not be. Take care of yourself whatever it takes. That would include refusing to shore up her dysfunctional household and staying home where life is peaceful for you. I hope you are able to come to that decision. Wishing you luck…..
1. That you will be the heir to moms estate and stay the heir for life
2. That there will BE an inheritance available to you once mom passes, after aides are paid and her needs are paid for for as long as she lives.
Taking on a massive, overwhelming job of this nature simply for "the inheritance", especially when there's a sibling involved, is generally a very big mistake. You will certainly be biting off more than you can chew with no guarantee of ANYTHING.
If your brother is living with her are you certain that the will hasn't been changed to leave you nothing or $1.00?
I am a firm believer in getting paid as you go. Being POA DOES NOT obligate you to being the boots on the ground caregiver, it DOES give you the legal authority to use her money to pay for caregivers so she can remain in her home with the appropriate level of care required.
If you are not completely sure how POA works and what your legal responsibilities are; spend a few hundred of her dollars and have an attorney educate you on the realities of the law for your state, best money you will ever spend.
I think that your mom has the money to remain in her home with appropriate support, what she doesn't have, unless you give it to her, is the right to hijack your life so she doesn't have to make changes or spend her money.
Time for some decisions on your part. How much are you really willing to sacrifice for pie in the sky?
Drinking is a choice when life is hard, and seems a choice your mom and bro made.
I would join Al-Anon for the wisdom and advice of those who have been there and done that and know the drill. They will have great advice for you--much better than mine!
2. If you are going to become a caregiver you get paid to do so. you will have to have a contract done. (important since you are POA for finances and you do not want to "enrich" yourself in the eyes of the powers that be if Medicaid has to be applied for)
3. If sibling is a "heavy drinker" can the sibling actually fulfill the duties of POA? Are they making safe decisions? Are they allowing your mother to make safe decisions? If not you need to talk to a lawyer and see if sibling can be removed as POA. What would that mean? Would it mean you would become POA or would your POA for finances end and mom would need a Guardian?
but to answer your question...
do not do caregiving based upon what might happen in the future. There is no guarantee that you will get anything when mom dies.
If it is not in writing it does not exist. And even then there is no assurance you will get anything. Unless mom is wealthy with all the expenses and her general health she may outlive her finances so there would be nothing or little to inherit.
Good luck!
Detachment is key here. You can probably help getting your mom into a facility. However, these repeated visits to the hospital is wearing out everybody at this point. You can't jump everytime there is a crisis. Maybe call hospital after mom is settled. Since brother has POA, it's not much you can do. In these circumstances, some sort of accident such as a fall or a medical crisis would be enough to say unsafe discharge.
Calling APS or your mother’s County Agency of Aging may be appropriate in getting Mom either the home care she needs or placement , on her dime .
She may disown you for it , but you will be keeping your own health and sanity .
All I can say about that is that when money and greed cloud our thinking, we tend to make really poor choices and tend to regret those choices later on.
This should be about making sure that your mom and even her brother are safe in their environment(which it doesn't sound like they are)regardless of the outcome for you, because this is about your elderly mom and her brother and NOT you.
So if you have to call APS to report them do so and if it's in their(and not yours)best interest for you to file for guardianship to make sure that your mom is receiving the care she needs and now requires, then do it despite the consequences.