Am I the only one who feels like they aren’t going to live as long as their parents because of taking care of their parents?

I constantly had this fear when I was a caregiver for my parents.

It hit a peak after my dad died and mom moved in with me. As her Parkinson’s disease progressed, she required more and more care.

I was losing weight that I couldn’t afford to lose from not being able to eat due to stress.

My blood pressure shot up. I was sent to a cardiologist due to a racing heart.

Lack of sleep is awful and I wasn’t sleeping well.

I quit my job to care for my mother full time. I missed working so I became depressed. So many things contribute to our mental and physical health issues.

No doubt, caregiving is the toughest job I ever had.

I lost my best friend last year. We had been friends since high school. She and her husband were taking care of his mom. My friend had a stroke and died.

It’s not unheard of for a caregiver to die before the person that they are caring for.

Best wishes to you. Take care of yourself. Sending you hugs! My dad died at age 85. Mom died at age 95! I spent many years as a caregiver.

Sorry you are feeling this way and for the loss of your parents. Now all the stress with FIL. What's not going well at AL?

If you are feeling like he's going to outlive you, you are burnt out and need to take a BIG step back so you can take care of YOU. Start today. Get hubby on board cuz he's probably feeling the same way.

Good luck.

Way2tired, I feel the same way. My parents lived to be 95 and 98.

I am in my mid-70's and am having similar medical issues [inherited] now compared to when my parents had the same issues that started in their mid-80's. I owe this all to stress.

Yes I feel exactly the same way. I have a lot of stress because I don’t know whether my 94 y/o father will get on Medicaid and be finally admitted into a nursing home where he is in rehab right now waiting for a room in the SNF wing. There is no rehab for him because he is too weak to stand. He had colon cancer, afib, kidney issues, mild cognitive impairment and is in diapers. I am scared to death I will have to bring him back to his home.

i have a 94 y/o mother with a pacemaker and mobility issues. With my father in the rehab, she now lives alone in her home. She is a miserable person who lashes out verbally at her two paid caregivers and her daughters. Miserable being around her.

On top of that my two sisters do not talk to each other, will not be in the same room together, and I have to play the go between.

Yes I definitely think I will drop dead any day now. Some days I think it would be a blessing.

Way, your FIL should not be in an AL. The name says it all, they assist. By law they cannot make Dad do what he doesn't want to do and they don't have the Staff to deal with it. I am surprised you have not been told the AL is not the right place for him.

I suggest you find a nice Long-term care facility that takes Medicaid. Yes it will be expensive, but they maybe able to talk him into getting a shower and having him change diapers. About 2 or 3 months before his money runs out, you apply for Medicaid.

Your husband has a good attitude, if Mom won't be cooperative, then let the State handle her. And he needs to tell her that. Do not take her in to ur home. I think u have enough on your plate.

My mother has always been an anxious, impatient person. She's gotten worse w/age and I'm less tolerant than I used to be. We'll see who drives who nuts first.

Way2tired, neither of my parents needed to help take care of their own parents, so they couldn't understand the pressure that grown children are placed under.

I remember having a chat with my Dad about how tired I was as I was the only one helping [no siblings, had no children].

I had to remind Dad that when his Mom was his age [Dad's family lived many States away], Dad would fly out once a year to visit, and send money. That when his Mom needed help she had nearby two other grown sons, their wives, and a gaggle of grandchildren old enough to help, and they did. So it didn't all fall on the back of just one person.

Ditto with my Mom's parents.

By its very nature - caregiving requires energy that you would normally be expending in another way right? Hopefully on something that you would prefer to do with your time. Even for someone that actively chooses the caregiving role - it takes a lot of time and energy to take care of another human being. If you take someone that did NOT choose to become a caregiver, but was effectively drafted or forced into the role (or even worse is caregiving for someone who was their abuser in childhood.) you can multiple that energy consumption exponentially - because they are realistically taking care of an emotional vampire who sucks the very life out of them.

I think back to when I became a mom. My baby needed me to do everything for her. 24 hours a day 7 days a week. My needs were secondary. I was exhausted. And I was young, healthy, and full of energy. I was ready to take on the world. My body did not ache when I got up in the morning (or longer). I could spring back from a couple of hours of sleep much more quickly. I could eat on the run and not pay for it later. I could jump up and run to the rescue over and over again without giving it a second thought to my own health.

Now in the caregiver role (and I am technically quaternary(?) is that the right word for 4th in line?) I'm twice the age as I was when I became a mom. My SIL and BIL are primary live in caregivers and DH and I are back up. They are 24/7 hands on (when he is home, he is in rehab right now) and DH and I are backup, all things emotional, technical, conflict resolution, transport, doctors appt etc. I am the youngest and the healthiest to put things in perspective (and at this point the only one working full time, DH recently had to take a leave of absence for his own health reasons, as did BIL). And we live an hour away.

Caregiving for us has been occurring over a span of 8 years. In that time - while I certainly cannot say that *some* of these things would not have happened whether we were caregiving or not - BIL, SIL and DH have had to have MULTIPLE surgeries between the three of them that all could be directly related to caregiving duties. Additionally - stress directly contributes to our health - that is a known fact. All three have had multiple NEW health issues that are directly related to stress incurred from caregiving.

In our case- we are unfortunately among the caregivers that were drafted and in the "service" of FIL who was a narcissistic abusive father to both DH and SIL (and quite frankly still is). So for both of them caregiving is incredibly stressful and triggers a number of mental health issues that for both of them were mostly under control prior to the onset of caregiving.

As far as myself - I can tell that it is impacting my health - far less than the others for sure. Because I do my best to avoid him as much as I possibly can, but also because he does not have the ability to get inside of my head and inflict the mental attacks that he can on them. But I can tell you that every single time we have to engage him, I either get a preemptive migraine or end up with one before it is over with. He is combative on his BEST days. I have been on migraine preventatives for years and my migraines are almost completely under control except for certain triggers that I can control (light sensitivity for example). But he is most certainly a trigger that I cannot control.

So absolutely - caregiving drains your energy and impacts your health even under the best of circumstances if you have a wonderful, appreciative, loving person that you are taking care of, who never asks anything of you and makes life a joy. And we all know that what I just described rarely happens. Being responsible for someone else on its own is stressful. But you are not alone in how you feel.

I'm quite sure I no longer want to live as long as my mother because of taking care of my mother.

There are research studies that state that caregivers do indeed suffer significant medical consequences from their work. Everything from depression & suicidal thoughts to untreated cancer’s & cardiac issues. Then again, lots of professions carry medical consequences…

But when caregiving for a parent there’s something fundamentally unnatural about the situation. Why would someone that spent years protecting & supporting (ideally) a child, turn around years later to impose suffering & detriment to that same child just because they’re an adult now. If you know you’re hurting your family, but do it anyway just because you can, what message does that send? How can someone justify the damage to another’s health & future in exchange for their own current comfort & well being as a fair trade?

What really fascinates me is coming global population collapse as a result of the increasing size of the aging/elder demographics. Meaning the dependency ratio of those working & producing is inverted to those that are retired & dependent. Younger generations are increasingly tasked with elder care, reducing their own economic output & limiting their ability to develop their own families & shortening their own lifespans due to the nature of caregiving. It’s already occurred in Japan as well as a few European countries.

No one seems to question just how much of the “labor shortage” is due to people being forced into family caregiving. And the Baby Boomers have barely begun to enter into dependency/retirement. They’re already the most resented generation in history… imagine what it’ll be like when they’re in their 80s.

I gave up my career to become a caregiver & I’m far from alone. I’m in my mid 40s, and thanks to having become a caregiver, have no inclination to live past my 60s. None. I would much rather die than put any other human through what I’ve endured caring for my parents. What little I have saved won’t be confiscated by a greedy nursing home. I’ll be prepared to end things before any of that happens.

In that sense, caregiving has been a blessing. My eyes are wide open to realities of aging & the realities of the dystopian industrial complex we call medical care.

Every single carer I know has died before the person they are caring for, although not a child from caregiving for their parent. However, I have known caregivers looking after their parents who end up divorcing, lose all of their savings and/or significant physical and/or mental health issues. All because they made a "promise" that they could care for their parents, even when they aren't equipped to do it. They worry what their parents want rather than what they need and avoid getting any help or putting them in a facility that would be a better solution for their needs.

My own mother has needed care for over 20 years and if I had decided to be her primary caregiver, I never would have met my husband, had kids, enjoyed a rewarding career and life. She has now been in a nursing home for 3 years and is slowly dying. She is not my mother anymore but a husk of a person who can only lay in bed. Even in this condition, people sometimes criticize me for placing my mother. If I were looking after her, we all would be homeless, I would be divorced and never be able to support my own kids.

As people live longer, not because they are in good health but due to intensive medical and pharmaceutical interventions, this will continue. I know I don't want to live like my mother as it isn't living, it is only surviving.

I took care of my folks for a decade.I knew I would outlive them but I had high blood pressure and high stress that I worked to keep managed. My Dad died 5 years ago and my Mom died last month. since then, my blood pressure has calmed down (no need for meds) and the constant pressure has released. I grieve but I am more relaxed and peaceful.

I'm waiting for BurntCaregiver to show up here! She's great. Time to buckle up, buttercup, because, caregiving is impossibly hard to do, especially if you're not trained in it, not paid, and it's not your profession. Step back from the madness, take care of yourself, get off the roller coaster of madness, the mental whiplash of one day everything is ok and the next minute everything is awful. There are a lot of ways to untangle ones self from this, it ain't pretty, it ain't always "nice", or if those are not acceptable alternatives....call the funeral parlor and pick out your casket.
The mortality rate for caregivers is something like 60% or higher. If this is not a group you want to die for, better do some hard thinking and step back.
I do not write this lightly. I do care for those who care, but given what I have gone through over the past four years, I hope that folks will take care of themselves and not die to keep caregiving, because, we're good people, we want to do the right thing, we want to be good caregivers. Weeellll.....sometimes....that ain't always possible, given the circumstances we have to deal with.
I totally respect each and everyone who is on this road, incredibly hard, thankless work. I am in no way disrespecting those who have chosen how they are handling their situation. I do want folks to be able to say "enough is enough" and be able to step away and say "No More". I know I will have to do that for my husband. It will not be easy to do. I don't want to do that, but....it will come down to the reality of how horrible dementia is and how I am just one person in this storm and can only do so much for him.

My hobby is genealogy, and it was interesting to see how one generation related to the next. Back in the 1800's, farmers had 15-20 children to help on the farm. If a son got married, he and his bride would live in the same house as his parents. If a daughter got married, she and her groom would live in his parent's house. Eventually after time the males would leave their parent's house and start their own farm, having 10-15 children.

Whenever an older parent would lose a spouse, they either stayed on the family farm where the sons would take over, or help out if they already had a farm of their own. Thus, the older parent would live on for many more years, not unusual in my family up into their 90's. There were many hands to help, their own children, grand-children and great-grand-children.

Today's society is more spread out. I notice in my family tree that when a grown child moved to the city in the early 1900's and married, families were much smaller 1-6 children, or no children at all. Those who spent most of their adulthood in the big city didn't live as long as their siblings who stayed on the farm. Plus less hands to help care for them.

Plus the elder parent living on the farm kept themselves busy, helping as much as they could. They weren't sitting in a rocker on the front porch, they were tending the gardens, etc. There wasn't TV back then, so family was entertainment along with gossip :)

Imagine today trying to tear away a cellphone or computer game from the younger generation long enough to even set the table.... [sigh]. Us baby boomers, and thereafter, aren't going to have it easy, unless we have saved of that rainy day big time.

Now that my mom has passed, I am hoping against hope that my YB will finally get some therapy for the stress-induced depression & anxiety he had as a result of 25 years of CG for first, both parents, and then 7 years of just mom.

He's really a mess and no one can talk to him. I know he has massive guilt and he doesn't NEED to. He didn't do anything wrong!

The fact that he had her apartment completely gutted and trashed, except for the few things that were mementos--within 48 hrs of mom's death. The rest of us sibs just looked at each other with 'uh oh, he's finally lost it' feeling.

I have not spoken to him since Sept 3rd. 5 months. I have gone to the house and they won't let me in. Trying to respect his grieving process, but more concerned about his overall mental health.

He felt like a terrible CG, but he wasn't. We did worry, all the time that he'd have a heart attack--or a complete mental shutdown. His health is terrible and not likely to improve. Caring for mom and dad was an amazingly gracious effort, but it came at such a cost!

Midkid
So sorry for your loss . That is so sad about your brother . I have tears 😢. Does he live alone ? I guess he’s not answering the phone either ?
If he doesn’t live alone , has anyone talked to someone else that lives with him?
Especially if he lives alone, you could ask for a wellness check .
It’s so hard on you worrying about him too . Have you left any messages , texts or even a note at his door saying he did nothing wrong and you want to help ?

No. It's because of my excellent care my mother is now 98 and still going, 4 months into hospice, and now they're telling me I could be another 6 months. Medication and a pacemaker allowed her to survive past the Independent part of her life to loss of independence, at the same time giving me years of anxiety, and robbing me of trips with my husband and tens of thousands of dollars as well as a relationship with a sibling. I really don't think there's a day that goes by without me thinking at least 10 times about how I'll never put anyone through this and I would much rather live a shorter life than put someone else through caring for me the way I care for my mother while she is depressed and angry at her reduced state. All the medications she took kept her alive and seems like a miracle at the time but in retrospect I think we keep people alive far too long only to suffer. Meanwhile we're suffering caring for them during the best years of our lives. That said duty and love prevent me from abandoning her and I feel I'm doing the right thing. But I hope to never put anyone else through this.

I had that exact discussion today with my BFF.
She took excellent care of her Mom, at beginning with some chores, shopping, driving her to medical appointments.
Mom had heart surgery some years ago, but already in her 80s, then developed cancer so more care was required.
The point is for 15 years or so Mom had excellent care and her old age was peaceful and she was protected and well taken care of both emotionally and financially.
She claimed she did not need so much.
The truth about silent generation (parents late 80 and beyond) they are not so silent.
My GF life is in turmoil now and she probably will not have peaceful and secure old age.

My other big fear …..If I do survive the current round 3 of parental caregiving , will I have anything left in reserve to give if my husband would need me to care for him ?
I would want to care for hubby as long as I could .
I’m hoping there’s another reserve saved just for spouses.

I agree that people are "living" much too long. Their lives SUCK. They are not happy. They are barely existing. It's pathetic, sad, horrible, etc. My mom did nothing for herself. Very content to sit in her chair and watch tv and have as much done for her as possible. Even when she was able to do plenty for herself. Never heeded my advice for taking better care of herself. Never cared about eating better for her health and well being. Never cared about losing weight. Never cared about being active. It made me so angry that she just let old age wash over her without even trying to improve her situation.

I have learned what NOT to do. Everything she did. And did not do. I am taking care of myself so my children will not be faced with a decrepit mother that won't live her life to the fullest and do what she can do for herself. I used to say I'm never going into a nursing home but after caring for my mother I say B.S. to that. I do not ever want my kids to take care of me. I want them to live their lives as is their right, their due.

At my age, my parents were having fun, traveling, etc. They were not tied down to caregiving. My mom has NO clue what it was like to care for her. She thinks stopping at her mom's once a day to give her an insulin shot was a big deal. OMG it does not compare to caring for someone with dementia. In your own home. Even now that she's in AL, I still have to coordinate so much for her. She mixes up her dirty and clean clothes. She doesn't put her trash where it belongs. She just can't keep track of virtually anything. But she mostly has no idea of what she is not capable of. Thinks it's fine. Except sometimes she knows she's really confused, etc.

Good luck to all of you reading this in putting caregiving in it's proper place, taking care of yourself, etc.

No, you are not alone. I have seen this mentioned here before by more than one. My mother lived to 106 so I was caregiving till over 80. She did what she chose in her retirements, travelled, volunteered -and didn't take care of her parents. The last ten years, particularly, of her life I was centered on her care - mostly at a distance but it was still very stressful. It certainly has taken a toll on my health and raised my stress levels. Then there was another 2 + years settling her estate while I got even more behind in the things I had to do for me. I was so relieved when it was over.. Then dd got cancer and in the middle of me getting the house ready for sale to more south which is better for me, sig other has been diagnosed with cancer and is on a list for a knee replacement. I want a holiday!!!

On the other side of the coin, look at Sister Jean who is 102 years old, Loyola Chicago matriarch and college basketball icon.

She just wrote a book "Wake Up With Purpose!: What I’ve Learned in My First Hundred Years". I've seen recent interviews with her, such a delightful intelligent lady.

@wicki100

You make a very good point about the people being like living tortured statues. I can't justify how it's allowed that every cutting edge technology, treatment, medication, procedure, and every heroic measure will be taken to keep some ancient statue alive who is completely out of it and spends their days tied in a wheelchair crapping themselves. Yet some younger person who's life could be saved or improved gets nothing unless they have the best insurance possible or they are rich.
It really is disgusting and tragic.
Also, you do not have to put your mother's care needs before yor husband's. He's more important. Let hospice put your mother in a hospice facility.

I hope to heaven I don't live as long as my mother is although I might but likely would still be in better shape as I take care of myself. However I have witnessed so much sadness visiting 2 AL facilities and 2 SN ones since 2013 not to mention numerous hospitals.

Of course AL ones were far preferable to SN in terms of conditions of residents yet there still were aspects of sadness as residents aged differently.

Now I am content with the present facility in terms of staff and overall conditions of the facility yet there is a resident who is very mobile who walks all over and enters other residents rooms taking their TV controllers along with whatever else one has to figure out has gone missing.

It all makes one feel that there might likely not be alot of grace with aging not to mention that I certainly do not want my children to experience what I have been through.

This is something I constantly worry about that fills me with further resentment and dread. Also, when people now say, "God will bless you for taking care of your father", I want to say, "I'll be too worn out and possibly sick to enjoy that blessing".

On a positive note, I really appreciate this forum because very few people in my life (other than the caregivers on this site) seem to understand what it's like and why I sometimes feel the way I do about caregiving.

When I took care of my parents I did not have this fear . Maybe it was because I was a younger . Maybe I’m just so burnt and exhausted now dealing with FIL the past year , but definitely having that fear now not just for me but my DH too . My sister is in ICU with pneumonia , and had a bad seizure Friday night . Her son witnessed it , he was terrified , and poor guy has been dealing with her health issues for months . I drove out a few weeks ago and again yesterday to see them . That left my DH to drive 4 hours in the opposite direction ( preplanned visit ) to deal with his mom by himself in trying to talk to her about DPOA etc. She is unbelievably stubborn . She won’t sell her house , or use a walker which she badly needs. ( DH sent me video of her walking 😳). She just leased a car . DH says she’s still sharp , we can’t stop her. MIL didn’t even walk up the stairs this time in front of my DH . Last year we watched her bear crawl up them .DH suspects she totally crawls up them now. DH drove home this morning and is totally exhausted and frustrated. And now FIL in AL ( near our home, in laws are divorced ) called to say he wants a few snack foods from the store when we bring his takeout food which we usually bring him on our Sunday visits . When we do this we will get to listen to him go on about how he’s independent and doesn’t belong there . And right now I’m sitting here on the couch still in my fuzzy bathrobe with my cat on me . BTW my cat loves anything furry and it occurred to me to wonder, how does she know the difference if something is furry or not when she is full of fur herself ? . Now I think my cat will outlive me as well . 😿

As far as my mother living to 106, in her case it was not medicine keeping her alive. She had a very healthy body and was on very few medications. But she did have high blood pressure which was treated but still spiked when she got upset and with Borderline Personality Disorder she got upset a lot. So she developed vascular dementia which is what took her.

Sister Jean is mentioned below as a rare example and she is, but not as rare as a centenarian used to be. People are living longer and it's not all due to being kept alive in a "zombie" state, though without doubt modern medicine does more of that than 50 years ago. I remember a girlfriend's grandfather who lay in a nursing home for years and years back in the 50s after a stroke. It wasn't medicine that kept him alive but his body wouldn't give up. Had he lived today he might have been spared the stroke, at least for a while by having meds for his high blood pressure. My father had high blood pressure for years before it was treated. In those days they told him it was normal for him. He developed vascular dementia and died from that. Like my mother, the rest of his body was fine when he passed at 81.

We see a biased picture here - the people who need years of care. I agree some are kept alive but only to exist, not to have a life. Medicine has progressed in that some people can be kept alive even when their bodies and minds are seriously failing. I think one of the challenges for medicine and society as a whole now is to intervene in the aging process and to prevent or to slow the conditions that debilitate us. Alzheimer's is one that is a huge challenge, but HIV/AIDS was too when I was younger and now many live with it due to advances in treatment.

Much work has been done in many areas in the last century. I remember when the first heart transplant was done in South Africa just 35 years ago. Nowadays, organ transplant is a viable option for many. It was unheard of when I grew up.

We know more and more about how our choices affect our health and longevity. Epigenetics is how your behaviors and environment can cause changes that affect the way your genes work This field has only developed since the 1940's. Some habits such as poor diet, obesity, sedentary lifestyle, tobacco smoking, alcohol consumption, stress...likely have epigenetic effects which increase our chances of health problems.

I survived caring for my mother, though, truthfully at times I wondered if I would. Now I am better able to take care of myself than I was. In order to survive the stresses of life, including caring for a parent, make as wise choices as you can in whatever situation you are at present. Plan for your old age - financially, emotionally, physically (do squats lol) - in all ways. Your choices now will make a difference later.

I’ve thought about this with my husband. It’s 24/7. Definitely not the way I envisioned retirement.

The mental, physical and financial stress of taking care of parents or an ill spouse takes years off of your life. I know of multiple people who have died before the person they were taking care of...

You are not their only option. There is no shame in deciding that you have given enough and that it is time to help them look at all of their options. Running yourself into the ground doesn't make you a better daughter/son and in turn, finding a facility that is close by that meets their needs doesn't make you a bad daughter/son.

Some posters throw the guilt around and say things like "your parents took care of you when you were a child" suggesting that somehow you owe them. My argument to that is that you choose to have a child and they are totally helpless for about 4 years and then they can feed themselves, dress themselves, go to the toilet unassisted and are continually growing mentally and physically. Taking care of an ill parent or spouse can literally go on for 15 years! and there is no improvement...they are going the other direction. To me, taking care of children and taking care of parents/spouse that is ill, are two different situations.

My parents did not spend one day taking care of their own parents. Somehow this caretaking business skipped a generation! Your parents would not want you to be sad and run down. Look into alternatives for them and take care of yourself and your cat!

I wish I could write that I will grieve when they are gone but I really don’t think I will. I think I will only feel relief that the slog is over.