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I feel guilty as heck but I didnt envision my retirement this way. I just want to stop having to be responsible for an elderly parent. I often times think i will die before she does. Will this ever end?
Nope you aren't the only one my mom just hit 91 and I'm 60. I can't retire till I'm 65/66. I think my mom is living on spite so that she can still be alive when I retire. Even tho I have informed her politely she still keeps asking when I plan to retire.
I never thought of that . The past year or so , my mother in law keeps asking my husband when he’s retiring , he’s only 59. Oh wow ! I just figured out she does it because she wants him to take the 4-5 hour car trip to visit her more often . 🤔🤔🤔🤔
Stop helping so much yourself. Accept you are one person & move towards a team approach. Involve others. Other non-you people.
Then I read Mom lives with Sister. Sister is Mom's Care Manager. Maybe she has the skills, the will in buckets, a big heart too. But if anything like my SIL who has become the self-appointed Care Manager, there is a whopping dollop of bossiness there too.
My inlaws have strong personailities. No would-be boss grows too big & controlling as the others hold their ground. They NEVER let a plan go forward without common sense. Without the plan working for ALL those in the plan. And they NEVER let others plan their calender. (Oh it has been tried I tell you!!)
My advice is BOUNDARIES.
Find a copy of The Boundaries Book (if you have not read it). Or read it again. Boundaries: when to say yes, how ro day no. By Drs Cloud & Townsend.
"I dont want to jeopardize my relationship with my sister either so for the most part I go along to get along."
This. Unpack this.
Why NOT stand up to your Sister?
Swap the word *jeopardize* for *ruin*. No, you don't want to RUIN your relationship. I get that. But I ask you why must your relationship with your Sister be jeopardized/ruined by you saying NO to her?
You are allowed to choose. You can change your mind. You are allowed to say no.
If Sister has a major tantrum when you say NO, what does this tell you about her? About your relationship? About RESPECT?
Have a good think about how much you can help without this becoming a BURDEN. YES I said BURDEN. Let's call a spade a spade.
Maybe it's one day a week? OR Two half-days + 3 phone calls + 2 appointments per month. Whatever you think & feel is manageable for you.
Then have an honest sit down chat with your Sister & let her know your new plan.
PS. Mine included.. NO on-call 24/7 & NO fill-in ANYthing. By statng that, OTHER solutions were then found.
Your advice makes perfect sense. It's just that it's really a situation of when shes not happy nobody's happy and a lot of guilt trips when I stand up to her. But I will keep your advice in my head just in case. And also remembering what she said during one of our knock down drag outs which is that Mom is as much my responsibility as she is hers.
After reading the further information you provided about your sister, which is beyond sad and concerning, I’d even more say you need, and she needs an honest conversation about the toll this is taking, as well as where it’s inevitably headed. You’re tiptoeing around your sister, she’s in a mental health crisis desperate to prevent what’s sure to come, and you’re both exhausted from it all. None of this is good for your mother. Sister needs someone to be frank with her, she’s not seeing the situation clearly in her unrealistic plans. She likely needs therapy. Please take action on this and don’t let fear rule. Everyone involved deserves better. I wish you all peace
Valentine15 -- You are most definitely not alone. Especially as people are (or seem to be) living longer, it is not unusual to have siblings with different perspectives on how those last years should be handled. You think something will be ‘short-term’ but no one really knows. My sister (POA) and her husband moved in with our (now almost 91 YO) father after our mother died last year because my sister did not want Dad to go into assisted living. He is at some early stage of dementia and is also two and a half years into dialysis. He CAN do basic ADLs but cannot fix meals and would not remember his medicines; and cannot be left alone at night. We, along with a caregiver, have been taking him back and forth to dialysis for the last 2.5 years. If Sister and BIL go out of town, I (or occasionally another family member) will have to stay with dad for anywhere from a weekend to a week. I say “have to” because my relationship with my sister is important to me and at this point, I’m not ready to put that in jeopardy. She does not want Dad put in a nursing home, and he has said, when his cognitive ability was better, that he did not want to be carried to dialysis on a gurney, so at least we have that. But he has a brother that is almost 95 and we don’t know how long this will go on. We didn’t think he’d make it this long. But all this to say that yes, I do get resentful and I totally get where you're coming from.
Thank you. I dont want to jeopardize my relationship with my sister either so for the most part I go along to get along. I just dont do well in situations where I have no control. But knowing other people are going through the same feelings helps. All the best to you.
@cover , That doesn’t mean OP has to live her life around the sister’s wish . And the fact that this is the sister’s whole purpose in life and she will fall apart when the mother dies , speaks of altered mental health.
I read your replies . You don’t have to continue to be “ on call” or even a regular caregiver . Your sister is choosing this . Your sister does not get to control your life .
You tell sis you are not supporting this any longer . Either sis figures out another way without you or mom gets placed .
Your sister can not make you keep doing this . You are giving in to her . The way you “ get over the psychologist aspect “ of not being in control of your own life is you learn the word “ No “ .
Practice saying …. No I will not do that That does not work for me That will not be possible .
You are not responsible for anyone else’s only wishes or happiness .
Your feelings of responsibility are something that you have assumed yourself. No one is responsible for their parents. We are responsible for our CHILDREN until they reach age of majority, then they are responsible for themselves and any children they bring into the world (until those children ALSO reach age of majority.
You well may die before your parent. We have seen that happen. We have also seen people ignore their careers and savings to care for parents and end up homeless and without a job history; we have had to suggest they start at a homeless shelter, often at the ripe old age of 65 or so. We have also seem people mentally broken by caregiving.
This will stop when you yourself put a stop to it. You, as a grown adult, are responsible for your choices in life, and the consequences. There is much support out there for you if you simply level honestly with family and those you care for, that you cannot go on any longers.
You didn't cause the aging process, you cannot prevent it, and you cannot cure it. There should be no guilt in choosing to have a life. You deserve that, rather than wasting your own life by throwing it on the slow burning funeral pyre of your elders.
Please consider counseling to seek options for paths that after 25 years have become rote and habitual. I wish you the very best.
Very good advice ("You didn't cause the aging process, you cannot prevent it, and you cannot cure it. There should be no guilt in choosing to have a life. ) ... it seems to take some of us longer to learn to follow it, but better later than never.
Yes. I have known several people that have died before their aging parent/or sick spouse…it is tough being a caregiving…so we need to practice a lot of self care. I am the caregiver for my 95 year old mother…she still lives in her own home, but I handle her shopping, bills, etc…so far I am good with this arrangement…but will have to take it a day at a time…there have been days when I don’t think I can take it any longer…most days she is very pleasant…but she can get in a dark mood.
Your last post was asking about resuscitating your 99 year old mother who's 4'11 and weighs 110 lbs and worrying about broken ribs!!!
I would imagine your stint as a caregiver will end once you agree to either place mother in managed care and also stop questioning a DNR at 99! CPR causes more damage than it cures, and being alive for 99 years +, mom has already lived way beyond the mortality rate for 99% of women on earth.
If you feel like mom will outlive you, please look into AL right away. It's not the horrible place some think it is.
I guess I should provide a little more info. My sisters only wish in life is for our mom to live as long as is humanly possible. She has every alarm you can imagine in her house. She gets up in the night several times when an alarm goes off to take Mom to the commode bc she wont let her wear pads bc they cause skin breakdown and that is just the tip of the iceberg. My sister would never let Mom go anywhere else unless she needed skilled nursing. Mom is her entire life. She takes great care of her dont get me wrong but the older Mom gets the more desperate my sister becomes to make sure she doesnt die. It's become incredibly hard because she and I see things so differently. If our mom dies at age 100 I wont completely go to pieces like she will. I just want to stop feeling so sick of all of this and wanting for it to be over.
Without going into a lot of detail, it started around 2001 when my parents needed a lot of help. My dad died in 2018 and my mom lives with my sister now and she is the primary caregiver but I am over there all the time and always on call in case a day caregiver doesn't show up when my sister goes someplace. I think for me it's mostly the psychological aspect of knowing I have no choice. How do you get over the psychological aspect of feeling out of control of your life and that you have to always answer to someone?
Ugh. I was going through something similar, except my cousin who lives closer to my aunt wanted me to move in with my aunt and be THE caregiver. I stayed over some weekends and I did a week. She (cousin) started acting like she was boss. Questioning everything. "Are you doing this? Why is that? Can't you stay longer? I have a family, so I can't. Are you coming again next week? I will get back to you on next steps and what needs to be done". HUH? WTH? I was doing everything, and she was the back seat driver. She came by aunt on occasion to see what was needed and what needed to be done, but she wasn't doing as much as I was. The grunt stuff, I should say. Changing, wiping, cleaning, putting up with tantrums and screaming and crying from aunt. Not to mention the money I was spending to come visit constantly and get her house cleaned that was covered in feces that I had to stay in to visit. I just decided I couldn't do it anymore and left. There was something seriously wrong with this picture. As much as you do, people will take advantage and don't give a flying fig about you, as long as you're getting it done. Twenty five years is a long time. I think you need to reclaim your life back.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
The past year or so , my mother in law keeps asking my husband when he’s retiring , he’s only 59.
Oh wow ! I just figured out she does it because she wants him to take the 4-5 hour car trip to visit her more often .
🤔🤔🤔🤔
Stop helping so much yourself. Accept you are one person & move towards a team approach. Involve others. Other non-you people.
Then I read Mom lives with Sister.
Sister is Mom's Care Manager. Maybe she has the skills, the will in buckets, a big heart too. But if anything like my SIL who has become the self-appointed Care Manager, there is a whopping dollop of bossiness there too.
My inlaws have strong personailities. No would-be boss grows too big & controlling as the others hold their ground. They NEVER let a plan go forward without common sense. Without the plan working for ALL those in the plan. And they NEVER let others plan their calender. (Oh it has been tried I tell you!!)
My advice is BOUNDARIES.
Find a copy of The Boundaries Book (if you have not read it). Or read it again. Boundaries: when to say yes, how ro day no. By Drs Cloud & Townsend.
"I dont want to jeopardize my relationship with my sister either so for the most part I go along to get along."
This. Unpack this.
Why NOT stand up to your Sister?
Swap the word *jeopardize* for *ruin*. No, you don't want to RUIN your relationship. I get that. But I ask you why must your relationship with your Sister be jeopardized/ruined by you saying NO to her?
You are allowed to choose.
You can change your mind.
You are allowed to say no.
If Sister has a major tantrum when you say NO, what does this tell you about her? About your relationship? About RESPECT?
Have a good think about how much you can help without this becoming a BURDEN. YES I said BURDEN. Let's call a spade a spade.
Maybe it's one day a week? OR Two half-days + 3 phone calls + 2 appointments per month. Whatever you think & feel is manageable for you.
Then have an honest sit down chat with your Sister & let her know your new plan.
PS. Mine included..
NO on-call 24/7 & NO fill-in ANYthing.
By statng that, OTHER solutions were then found.
Good for Sis!! May mom live to be 100, that would be quite an accomplishment.
Too bad mom is not like the true story of an elder who is 100 yrs old and still works in her family's furniture store in New Jersey
She still drives and cooks, with the only issue is Macular Degeneration. She shows it can be done.
That doesn’t mean OP has to live her life around the sister’s wish . And the fact that this is the sister’s whole purpose in life and she will fall apart when the mother dies , speaks of altered mental health.
You don’t have to continue to be “ on call” or even a regular caregiver . Your sister is choosing this . Your sister does not get to control your life .
You tell sis you are not supporting this any longer . Either sis figures out another way without you or mom gets placed .
Your sister can not make you keep doing this . You are giving in to her . The way you “ get over the psychologist aspect “ of not being in control of your own life is you learn the word “ No “ .
Practice saying ….
No
I will not do that
That does not work for me
That will not be possible .
You are not responsible for anyone else’s only wishes or happiness .
No one is responsible for their parents.
We are responsible for our CHILDREN until they reach age of majority, then they are responsible for themselves and any children they bring into the world (until those children ALSO reach age of majority.
You well may die before your parent. We have seen that happen. We have also seen people ignore their careers and savings to care for parents and end up homeless and without a job history; we have had to suggest they start at a homeless shelter, often at the ripe old age of 65 or so. We have also seem people mentally broken by caregiving.
This will stop when you yourself put a stop to it. You, as a grown adult, are responsible for your choices in life, and the consequences. There is much support out there for you if you simply level honestly with family and those you care for, that you cannot go on any longers.
You didn't cause the aging process, you cannot prevent it, and you cannot cure it. There should be no guilt in choosing to have a life. You deserve that, rather than wasting your own life by throwing it on the slow burning funeral pyre of your elders.
Please consider counseling to seek options for paths that after 25 years have become rote and habitual. I wish you the very best.
I would imagine your stint as a caregiver will end once you agree to either place mother in managed care and also stop questioning a DNR at 99! CPR causes more damage than it cures, and being alive for 99 years +, mom has already lived way beyond the mortality rate for 99% of women on earth.
If you feel like mom will outlive you, please look into AL right away. It's not the horrible place some think it is.
Good luck to you.
HUH? WTH? I was doing everything, and she was the back seat driver. She came by aunt on occasion to see what was needed and what needed to be done, but she wasn't doing as much as I was. The grunt stuff, I should say. Changing, wiping, cleaning, putting up with tantrums and screaming and crying from aunt. Not to mention the money I was spending to come visit constantly and get her house cleaned that was covered in feces that I had to stay in to visit.
I just decided I couldn't do it anymore and left. There was something seriously wrong with this picture.
As much as you do, people will take advantage and don't give a flying fig about you, as long as you're getting it done.
Twenty five years is a long time. I think you need to reclaim your life back.
You can stop, you just need to accept the solution.
Please provide more information so we can make suggestions.