My parents live overseas, but I find that my mother is still dependent on me in a lot of ways, even financially.
Many times, I refuse to help just really because of resentment from the physical and emotional abuse I’ve gone through with her in my childhood years.
Recently, she needed to make a passport renewal appointment. She needed to do this online with the link I provided her. The online form is only open for limited hours during the day (3-5pm), so I asked her to do it herself. I’m in a completely opposite time zone, so I would need to wake up in the middle of the night to do it for her.
She was quite disappointed that I refused to do it, constantly just saying “she doesn’t know how” even though she’s never actually even tried. But I’m actually surprised she didn’t scream at me this time like she normally does, but I think she’s been holding her tongue since our last altercation.
But I really want her to even just try to do it for a few reasons:
1. It’s quite a simple task. I did all the coordination for her (back and forth emailing with a support person because the passport appointment site’s information was so unclear). All she really has to do is click on the link I sent her and fill it out.
2. She’s been telling me she wants me to sponsor her to immigrate to the US. Life here is hard! If she moves here and is incapable of doing simple tasks, that would be like an additional child for me to take care of. I’m already barely able to juggle my day to day.
3. She owes me (and my dad) a lot of sleepless nights. Back when I lived with them (I lived with them until my late 20s. A bit normal in our culture if not yet married), every time she was upset at me or my dad, she would wake us up in the middle of the night to confront us. She believes that “if you wake someone up to argue, they’ll hate you for it so as a result, they’ll give you their utmost attention.” What messed up belief is this? I hated her for this. She will never cause me another sleepless night.
I also know she is not dumb. If she wants something, she will do everything in her power to accomplish it. For example, if she thinks my dad is lying, she will search all four corners of the world to find the truth; she is quite resourceful. Many times, she’s been able to obtain information and remember phone numbers in her head; I don’t know how she did those. But then again, this was from many years ago, so I don’t know how much her brain has deteriorated.
Am I wrong for even wanting her to try?
Your profile says Mom has Dementia. Why does she need a passport, to visit you? I hope someone would be traveling with her. A person suffering from Dementia can not travel alone.
When people have a Dementia they get needy and rely on one person. I think your parents should stay where they are. They can take advantages of the resources in their Country.
If you allow your parents to come here, you will end up supporting them. You will then have Mom abusing you. Dementia sometimes makes things worse. Mom will eventually need care that you should not be giving since u have been abused.
Do you know if this is a normal part of dementia or some mental health issue?
She has not been diagnosed as she refuses to seek medical attention, but she is definitely not normal. Just out of my own research, I think she has BPD, but she definitely has early signs of impending dementia.
Your mother has already robbed you of enough sleep by the way she used to wake you up to confront you- that's abusive and selfish. And you need to be your best advocate now and take care of yourself. I would back away from taking care of the passport renewal for her and if this is that important to her, then she'll need to ask someone nearby who can help her. Don't be robbed of any more sleep.
You titled your post - asking if you were wrong not to help your mother....and in my opinion, I think you are right - not to help her.
If your mother is suffering from "Alzheimer's" I seriously doubt she'd be able to accomplish tasks on a computer. Then again, if your mother is 39 years old, I seriously doubt she's suffering from Alzheimer's to begin with.
Whether your profile is correct or incorrect isn't the issue. What is the issue, in my opinion, is cultural norms. It's odd to me that so many people excuse abusive behavior as a 'cultural norm' when it's obviously abusive behavior, which is not acceptable, period. There comes a point in time where the dysfunctional behavior has to stop; where WE say ENOUGH. I think this is your time, OP, to say ENOUGH with your mother. She either figures out how to use a simple link on her computer or she doesn't get her passport renewed. The time is now for you to stop financing HER life, too. If she cannot afford to live her life as she's living it, then SHE needs to cut back on her lifestyle so that she can make ends meet.
You're not wrong for expecting your mother to try to renew her own passport. Of course not. She's the one who's wrong for expecting you to do everything for her while she does nothing for herself. Keep in mind her resourcefulness and exquisite memory when it suits HER though! Perhaps if you stopped doing for her, she'd start doing for herself.
I'm not saying that YOU have to do it. Just that it might be unreasonable to expect her to do it herself. And, given other things you said, do you really want her to fill out the form? Having her move here with you could be challenging to say the least. If it is not something you want to help with, then back away a little bit.
Is it reasonable that she needs her passport for other things? Can she still travel? I guess she could renew her passport and you could not sponsor her? Complicated.
My problem is not that she doesn't know how to do these things. My problem is she just does not try. She will first complain about it for hours or even days before actually even attempting to doing it. This is the most frustrating part.
If I give her instructions, why not listen first, attempt to do it, then if it doesn't work, that's when you complain vs complaining first? That is what I don't understand. Some sign of attempt and willingness to learn is what makes it encouraging to help someone vs helping someone who just runs their mouths. I don't expect her to know it all, but I expect her to try at the very least.
Yes, she can still travel, but she needs her passport. My thought was to just allow her to have a short visit. My heart tells me that it would be great for her to live closer, but my brain tells me it's a bad idea because of her toxicity.
If your Mom learned English later than her first language (not bi-lingual from birth), then it could be a HUGE struggle for her. Dementia will take that ability away.
A second language is not "automatic", if you can even consider it to be, the way a first language is. It actually goes through another step, a "filter" through the first language. There is the recall step, as with a first language. Then, there is the "application" step.
An example: Just as bathing seems "automatic" to us, we don't understand why showering is such a challenge for people living with a dementia. Actually there are a myriad of steps for a brain to sort though and accomplish. We think that since we've "always" done it, these skills should continue, even into our old age.
With dementia, the part of the brain that handles these steps is damaged. No longer can showering be accomplished, no matter how "logical" that WE are being.
The same is true with a 2nd language. "Recall" and "application" no longer work the way they once did.
You may eventually see the same challenge with a 1st language, though that may come in a late stage of a dementia.
Computer skills? Same.
Best wishes to you.
PM me if you have any questions - I posted my background replying to JoAnn29.I do have peace of mind now and no guilt of neglecting my mom and some happiness that I'm being a good daughter.
Yet I have started wishing now she just passes in her sleep and gives my freedom back. She just sits all day reading on the sofa and asking when her next meal is. I feel her life has no purpose now and she's ok because I'm doing all the living for her. She's somewhat functional because I do all the hard work in keeping her clean and well fed. She has no hobbies, needs help with puzzles, coloring pages. I cannot go on vacations now or hang out with friends much, All I'm doing is grocery runs & my p/t job because my ILs & my husband will watch her since food runs & job are essential activities.
My daughter worked in a NH and has said that those where English is a second language, will revert to their original language when they have Dementia. Her reasoning is that the language they were born with they don't have to "think" what the next word will be. I saw it in Moms NH. An Italian woman who has lived in the US for years and raised in a family here, only spoke Italian even when she seemed to understand the English. Same with a woman who spoke Spanish.
If your Mom has Dementia she can do none of what you expect. In the early stage their shortterm is effected. Their reasoning, comprehension, and processing abilities are compromised. My Mom overwhelmed very early in. I took over paying her bills because she could not add and subtract anymore. Weary's Mom visited her often. But her last visit Weary noticed big changes and she spoke to her Mom on the phone regularly. You need to be with someone with Dementia at least 24 hrs. In the early stages, they at good at "showtiming", this means they can appear normal for a short period of time, but then comes "sundowning". This happens usually in late afternoon/evening. This is a time you see the worst of the Dementia and are now aware Dementia is in play.
I think private messaging weary would be a good idea.