My father-in-law moved in and I had to quit my job and care for him all day. He is verybally abusive. How can I cope?

Oops, the original posting was from 10 years ago.

To the OP (original poster). You need to set boundaries. You do not need to take his abuse. Tell him u won't take it. If he has the shakes, buy a lidded coffee cup.

Hi Tracy,

It was amusing reading your comment to your father in law about the coffee and saying it was all right while SCREAMING INSIDE. This is something I've felt many times. And the tight-jawed smile on your face, hahaha, at least I know I'm not alone!!!! Caregiving is a challenge, yes, indeed. MLC

Tracy,
I found three sites you might want to check out: www.seniorhelpers.com, www.ElderCareLink.com, and www.americangeriatrics.org. I checked them out and they are great, however, I don't know how much they cost. I am in need of this very thing. Someone I can trust to be home with my husband at a very very low price! And I don't know about you, but, I sure didn't come prepared for some of these very high costs. Anyway, I hope this will help. Don't be blown away, go ahead and investigate these sites. Sometimes there are pieces of information here and there that will help.

Tracy,
On the right side of this site is a section (orange) named Caregivers Connection. Under it is a post called: Opening Lines of Communication about Care Needs. Click on it and read it, run on down where it talks about Geriatric stuff. That sounds very interesting! It might help. I am not sure, but I think these questions come from the community. Good luck! Keep me posted.

Tracy,
Yes, by all means you have every right to be concerned about your mother-in-law! No matter what anyone else thinks, you are working? How old is she and who diagnosed her with alz? And when? Have you checked out the rest of this site? Under Finance in the Community are other boards that just might shed some more light on your avenues to care for her while you are gone. I now have providers along with home health care, and I have sitters who will sit with him while I go get food, medicine, or gas. I am not working. Still employed, but off for now. Look under medicare and if you don't qualify for that, look under medicaid. Sorry, I don't know a whole lot yet. Check out the rest of this site and the questions to the far right either on the home page or Community page. Hope this helps.

Hi I too just found this web site and have been caring for my mother in law and it has been hard as she has alz. I have been caring for her since she could help around the house to now when she can't even remember how to change her close or take a bath. I am a bit afraid now because she is at home all day by herself while my husband and I work. She has never tried to cook anything any more. She just fixes herself a bowl of cereal in morning and sandwich at lunch. Do I have the right to worry while I'm gone. My husband doesn't understand my concerns and I can't get through to him this is only going to get worse, and I need some outside help. Any suggestion or resources you know of, I would appreciate.

I am new to this caregiving and found this site and thought I would give it a try. I feel alone in this since he came home from the rehab center. His brain surgery was from an operation on his aneurysm. He went from surgery to a rehabilitation center and then home. At home he is recieving Home Health Care and they help with bathing, fixing meals, getting him to take medicine, etc. They only come for about 1 to 2 hours maybe two times a week. The rest of the time it is all me!!! And when you are not prepared for this and unskilled, it can be very frustrating when they are not themselves. And I now realize that I can't blame him because he is not able to think things through the way he used to and he doesn't understand it himself. Maybe the age I gave you is wrong, but he is confused, and some memory is gone and when I realize this, I am better able to cope with it. I kind of learn from these nurse's aid. I just hang in there and hold on to the positive things.

Fancicoffee: You had mentioned that your husband had brain surgery. Why might I ask, did he have to have it? You said he was learning at a child of 7-12. Will he ever be himself again? Yes, my father inlaw LOVES WESTERNS! Oh, lordy yes he does. he has read 24 westerns since he has been here, he is addicted to them, and reading...never read before he came here. However he likes those smutty westerns I call them. Maverick, Longarm, and someone else. LMBO! We bought him John Waynes collections of movies for Christmas, he watches them in his room late into the night. ;) Take care, Fancicoffee. Hope to hear from you soon, Jacqueline

Sounds like a little push came to not a shove but a surprise! That is good, even Clint Eastwood paints some beautiful picture. Does he like westerns? My husband changed in alot of his personality. He used to joke alot, cut up, and sometimes a crude joker at that. Jokes ladies aren't supposed to hear! He is quiet, very compliant, does not even ask for his cigarettes (he used to smoke those awful camels without the filters for about 60 yrs.) he doesn't complain, and doesn't know why he doesn't want to do some things. He just doesn't. He stopped taking his medicine and started dropping his fork and therefore stopped eating alittle. Well, I am glad things are going good for you guys. It is good you are able to laugh, and spend time with him. I am happy for you both!

Fancicoffee:

Thank you for your helpful comment. My father in law is unable to do small tasks as you suggested. He shakes, so bad from side effects from meds he has to take. I have been taking him downstairs with me into my huge craft area, and I tossed him a white canvas, and some paintbrushes, as well as bottles of paint. (washable, lol he don't know) Anyway, the first time he lasted about 10 min. The next day, about another 10 min. The third day, he says to me, "woman", I'm not going to paint today!! It's for kids, thats B.S. you making me paint. Well, well, well I stood up to him and I said, okay dad if that is what you want, then you do not have to paint today, but I was hoping you would because it allows you and I time to get to know eachother, and to just chat about nothing listen to music, not to mention I enjoy spending time with you. Okay, so then he say's well, woman I don't like talking to you or spending time with you, but if your going to make me paint then I guess I have to. Oh, lord I was laughing so hard. I thought oh he does like me! Anyway, he now spends 3 to 4 hrs. downstairs painting, even if I am not there with him. He bought himself 12 large canvas' and man can he paint! I took 2 of them to the frame shop today, and will surprise him with frames. He even signs his paintings with a really weird signature, none of which has to do with bis real name. I secrectly told my husband he needs to sign them, awnry old cuss! Husband laughed, and agreed. P.S. lordy help me he found my oil paints today. Thank God it's a craft room and the floor is solid CONCRETE! YES, I WIN. lol

Thank you again for your input Fancicoffee, and sharing abit about your husband.

You are a very wonderful wife! Although, my husband is 76 and I am 55. He has had brain surgery and is learning what a young person of 7-12 would. Opening cans of spaghetti for me gets his meal there. I live in a rented home with wood flooring, and I feel for your hurt feelings about your white carpet! Do you ask him to do things? Like opening cans of vegies, pouring small cups of coffee? How capable or strong is he? Sometimes we women are too caring and do things for our men. You two are so sweet, caring for your dad. You will recieve great rewards for this act. Even when he doesn't deserve your respect and honor, you can say correcting things in love. Not yelling, not blaming, and not pointing the finger. Say how you feel, "I feel like......." and go from there. Don't give up and keep trucking along. God is my source. He keeps me going.