How can I cope with the loss of my mother?

I've found that, for seemingly no reason, I'll have a moment of grief and loss, years after the deaths of my parents. It's short lived, but powerful. One was brought on by an elderly man who poked his head around a grocery store aisle, as he looked for something. He wore a hat like my dad wore, and he had a face full of scabs, obviously from the doctor removing pre-cancers from his fair skin - like Dad would have after one of his sessions. It hit like a ton of bricks.

I shed tears for my mom not long ago. But again, it was short lived. Most of the time, I feel relief and gratitude that my parents are out of pain. I feel their presence yet. They didn't disappear from memory just because they passed on.

Grief takes so many forms and can get so tangled up with our other emotions, that healing is a slow process. But it does get better. Most of the time, I think of my elders with joy and gratitude, and the hardships of years of caregiving fade into the past. The whole of who they were during their lives shines brightly.

There's a fellowship on this site that is wonderful for caregivers as well as those who grieve. It always feels good to share experiences with others who have been where we are.
Carol

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

My own mother died in hospice two years ago. It's been my experience that you just have to allow yourself some time.

It's hard not to re-live the moments leading up to death. You don't ever forget it, but the "freshness" of it decreases over time.

I thank all, for your for your words of encouragement. My brothers and I are trying to remain strong, especially me. My husband has just been diagnosed with dementia, and stage 3 alzheimers, three weeks ago. Before I could allow myself
time to grieve, my husband became ill to the point, that he's halucinating a lot, especially, at night. He's 71 years old, and being a paraplegic, for the past 55 years, bedridden off and on, for the past 6 years, due to surgeries, for the last 6 years,is depressing enough for him, let alone mother's death, followed by diagnosis of alzheimers, three weeks ago. He's an only child, meaning I'm soul caregiver. Please remember us in your prayers. brominds

I, too , lost my mom, my best friend, on May 6 2009 due to Pulmonary Fibrosis and I can't even describe the pain and loss I feel.She was in hospital for 5 weeks, and we were told she was getting slightly better. She was 82, and played tennis doubles up until days before she was hospitalized. I truly felt she was commig home. I watched her helplessly, as she suffocated and her body shut down. My mom just got baptised on February 5 2009 and my husband and I took her to the U.K. less than 2 years ago. The two things she had wanted to do before she died. I had time with my mom, and that is so precious. I loved her and she knew it. She loved me and I knew it. We went everywhere together. The only thing I take comfort in is that she was there for my first breath and I was there for her last. The greatest acts of love we have in life. We delivered her to Gods hands with love and dignity. God bless you and your family.
jlljnn123

brominds, I'm sorry for your loss. You are re-living the painful process of watching her die. You will never stop missing your mother, but with time, you will be able to deal with the loss, and be able to better cope with the memories of the hard times leading up to her death.

Eventually, you'll remember the good times (the bad times will still be there, but you won't focus on them so much) Your mother will be in your heart forever!

You have to grieve before you can heal, so give yourself that right. Here are a few articles that I thought might help you cope.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/find-hope-deal-with-the-pain-of-losing-a-loved-one-115167.htm

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/grieving-before-death-terminally-ill-116037.htm

hello everybody, My Mom died march 6 09 and my dad died april 19 09 both were in my care, I too held my moms hand watching her body shut down slowly passing away it is embedded in my mind. Then 43 days later I held my Dads hand while he too slowly passed away! all of this has done something to me I cannot explain it except to say that I feel as though I am in some kind of nightmare and I cannot wake up. And the nightmare continues because I am going to file a malpractice suit against my Moms doctor and I am not sure how to do it but I have to for my Mom because she suffered needlessly because of him. I promised my Dad that I would so if anybody out there has any advice how to go about it I would really appreciate it! I miss both of them so much especially my Mom she was my best friend. My Parents lived with me and my husband and kids for the past 10 years my boys grew up with them we were one big Family now that family has lost 2 of its members. i do not know how to do this some days are just too much to bare I feel as though I cannot breath! are these feeling ever going to get easier? please someone tell me. Thanks pintos.

God bless you, Pintos.

I too watched my Mom and dad both die my Mom march 6-09 and my Dad April 19-09 I took care of the both of them! my Mom suffered so much because of her Doctor and right now I am filing a negligence suit against him with the medical board I will be mailing that tomorrow. this has been the hardest thing that I have ever done, my heart breaks everyday! some times i feel as if I cannot breath I do not know how I can live like this. So I know how alot of you feel my Mom was my best friend as well! and I miss her and my Dad so much. My dad died in his bedroom which is here in my house because they both lived with us for the past 10 years. I go in their room which still has everything of theirs still in and yes I still clean it and I swear my parents are still in there I can feel them sometimes I know that may seem weard but its true. thanks for listening, dana.

They will always be with you. You have the most precious gift from them, the gift of time. I spent alot of time with my mom. We went on trips together, she came to my salon twice a week, stayed at my house overnight, had coffee together in the morning. I am selfish, though, I wish for more time, but she is here. I can sense it when I wear the wrong pants(she would say,have you seen yourself from the back?) My hair is too long (isn't it time for a trim?) I buy something(You really LIKE that?) I cry for her at the littlest things, just something that reminds me of her, but I also hear her tell me to get going, get over it, you think you can get rid of me that easily? I still have Dad, but they were married 58 years and he is beyond devasted. Listen with your heart, dear Pintos, and you will hear them, they are with you.
God bless

Tomorrow will be 3 months since my Mom passed away and it still feels like the first day that I watched her take her last breath while I was holding her hand. I still feel sick to my stomach! and then when the 19th rolls around it will be 2 months since my Dad passed away and once again I watched him take his last breath while I held his hand, and all of this just overwhelms me I find it hard to get through each day. I cant help but be reminded of them and everything that happened to them because it is all in this house my house! their room their clothes medication tv their bathroom my Moms makeup all of my Dads dollar store stuff that he liked to buy everyday and shove in drawers. I have all of their pictures I see them every where, I am going on vacation soon we are traveling back to arkansas where all my Moms relatives live I will be seeing her 3 sisters since mom died and all of them are older than her they are 93 87 89 my Mom was only 77 when she died. I know it will be hard but i need to do this for me and my Mom I know she would want me to. So maybe this will help I dont know! thanks to all of you for listening this is the only thing that helps me, hospice keeps calling me wanting me to come to one of there bereavement meetings but I do not like talking in front of people Im to shy and just get all chocked up so this is my life saver really! God Bless all of You! Dana.