How do you deal with a mother so mean and abusive?

When someone is dying, people often make promises out of love or desperation. They also tell others they will, "never put them in a nursing home." It's hard not to do this. For those who have not already done it - the best answer is, "I will always try to do my best for you, but we don't know the future, so I can't promise that."

You promised your dad under pressure. That is not a promise you have to keep, while putting your own health at risk. You need help, and you need to be able to walk away from abuse.

You and your husband both need to find some respite help, even if it's paid, so you can have time to reconnect, before this wrecks your marriage. Yes, you haven't had time to grieve. I know I didn't, and it wasn't until after my mother died that I was able to slowly go back and grieve them both. It's taken years.

Keep coming on the site. We can't fix your problems, but we can listen. Please do look at some outside help, and don't feel guilty. You are doing your human best. Don't wreck your health and marriage to honor a promise that you didn't know how not to make.

Carol

There is so much in all the posts that I have read that is my mother, in one aspect or another. At first, no one believed me, I tried desperately for someone to just listen, until I found this site.

I am coping better, and finally got my mother to go to the doctor, and they re-prescribed my mother her medicines. Zoloft, Xanax, blood pressure medicine, Namenda etc.... Now everyone who was on my side as far as believing me, with how she acted and how she treated me, believe that maybe I'M THE ONE with the problem. After dealing with my father's passing, all the while dealing with her, and still no help from family or friends. (They at one time believed me.) Now with mother starting back on her prescription medication, she is more calm and can hold a conversation a little longer. Soooo, it must be me now.

Now, I hear, I don't see what your saying about mom. She seems to be doing so much better after father has passed. Little do they know, but the questions they ask, and her replies are basically what I have told her. She NOW can repeat questions, from what I have been telling her. It is going around full circle again. No one called her after my father died. NOW on mother's day, no one can see any difference in her behavior from before my father passed... AM I the one lost? or is my mother still the narcisstic, pity seeking woman she has always been?

I would really like a response, from anyone so that I know I'm not the one going through mental illness. I am totally at wits end. Either that, or my sisters and brother feel, they don't have to worry as much. Maybe, I'm just helpless forever

Hopeless, yours is truly a case of no good deed goes unpunished. You pulled off a minor miracle in getting your mom medicated and acting and feeling better, and now no one can imagine that's what made the difference. If it helps any, my daughter's fiance just got started on a little Celexa after some very angry episodes on his job, and its been the same kind of turnaround. (PTSD? What PTSD?) - He is a veteran and highly entitled to his PTSD, and hopefully will continue getting support and counseling for it - he is very good at what he does, and they made it a point that if he got help he got to keep his job.

Anyways, FWIW, *I* believe you! If I had a nickel for every time I heard "she's sharp as a tack" just because my mom recognized people and conversed a little, plus could memorize the date from the sign on the wall long enough to give the doctor the right answer...well I would not be a millionaire but I'd have enough for a couple months worth of good coffee.

SUNSHINECAREGIVER
You are right my cat seems to know when my fibromyalgia or R.A. is bad and he sleeps next to me and leans his warm body into mine and his warmth helps me go to sleep- it is the best medician-I lucked out when I met him at the shelter 2 yrs ago and when I cry he really seems to understand.

I do not know where to even begin, I am so frustrated, angry, hurt, and resentful.

My 67 year old father-in-law was diagnosed with Parkinson's approx. 5 years ago. After my mother-in-law died (3 years ago) we noticed that he was not caring for himself. He showed lack of concern of personal grooming, doing things outside of the home, or even energy. After a several discussions with my husband I reluctanely moved into my father-in-law's home with my husband, myself, and my three children. (my father-in-law has always been an ungrateful person and very degrading of my husband - therefore my reluctance) I agreed because I saw the concern in my husband's eyes when he thought of his dad being alone across town.

At first his needs were basic, laundry, preparing meals, preparing his daily medications, transporation to doctor's appts. etc. However, in February of '08 my nightmare started. My father-in-law began to swell in the feet and legs. After taking him to his Cardiologist he was diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure and placed in the hospital. He spent the next 8 months in and out of hospitals 11 times. During this past 8 months he has been diagnosed with Congestive Heart Failure, COPD, Sleep Apnea, Kidney Stone, Deterioration in his back and ankles, Depression, and Anxiety.

Now, he is considered "home bound" and needs help doing pretty much everything on a personal stand point (banking, paying bills, meals, etc.) His physical care varies. He has his days when he needs help putting on his clothes, obtaining things cuz he can't walk, and then he has days when you wouldn't know he suffered from all these conditions.

Although his physical health has stabled his mental health has gotten out of control. And so has mine!!

I won't trouble you with every little detail but in the past year and a half of living here my father-in-law has not only degraded my husband on a almost daily basis but he has also began degraded myself and now my children. (I have a daughter that is 17, a step son that is 17 and a son that is 6).

My father-in-law name calls, has been in my face screaming at me, has called the police on my husband (trying to have us removed from "his" house), has been in my step-sons face telling him to get out of "his" house, downgrades the way I cook, look, and handle my life. He fights us on his care. He refuses to use his medical assistance devices and cancels half the doctor's appts we set for him. He even complains on a daily basis to us and anyone else that listens that he wants supper at 5 o'clock and I should do it when he wants it now when the family wants it. I was not brought up in a family environment of such distress I am like on eggshells. I never know what he is going to do and say. I have been to my wits end and packed my things up and was heading to my mom's house but then both my husband and my father-in-law beg me to stay. For the sake of my husband, I do. But now it's getting very hard to keep a positive attitude.

I want to move out for the sake of my children but my husband avoids the situation. What does someone do?

Magicianne
I am sorry for all you are going. At least the hospital staff intervened at times which is great but unusual. I know there is nothing I can say to bring any comfort to you except that when I talk to God I will ask for some measure of comfort for you and wisdom for that family of yours. I can not imagine how you are coping with all that you have going on at this time and all I have to offer is my friendship. I do not know if your reading the bible esp. the psalms would help take you away from your life for a while. I so wish I could be there in person for you and give you a hug.

Austin -
Thanks for the cyber hug! Things are calming down a bit with my Dad. He's been in his new Intermediate Care Facility for a week now. The daytime staff there is great. I'm not sure about the night shift, though. They don't seem to have the same sensitivity as the day shift. But one thing's for sure....they all know that I'm there as a permanent fixture and can see what's going on. I make sure that I'm there for at least one of his meals. And I also go back in the evening to help get him settled in for the night. Because this is the weekend, I know there are a lot of other family members who will be visiting, so it takes some of the responsibilities off of my shoulders.

My mother continues to visit every 4 to 5 days for about an hour or less. My brother came with her on Thursday. In a fit of his anger, my brother ripped all of the family pictures off of my Dad's wall. I can't even imagine what caused him to do this. I spent the time yesterday to put the pictures back up, taping the ripped ones back together, smoothing out the creases, etc. As my Dad's guardian, I now must make a decision on whether my brother's visits are harmful to my Dad.

I did get a new attorney...a woman this time. My other attorney was fine for geting the guardianship, but he seemed to turn into a milktoast lately. He was more about giving in than fighting for what I needed for my Dad. I finally had 'enough' and started searching for a new attorney. This one isn't afraid of going into a courtroom. I've found there's actually a term called "Court Phobia" where a lot of attorneys try to resolve things out of court rather than have to actually go into a courtroom. My new attorney is going to fight for me and, consequently, for my Dad. Yea!

Things are starting to settle down. Dad is in a good place. The staff there knows that I'm doing what's best for my Dad. They all seem to be on the same page as I am.

Dad has come out of his 'fog' a little and is starting to be able to carry on conversations again. He continues to talk about things from other times of his life and so doesn't always make sense. But he's back to having a sense of humor and enjoying his visitors. He's still on Hospice and isn't expected to be around more than a few months. But I'm grateful for his improvement, no matter how small. Oh, by the way, the care facility staff said that a lot of patients come to them from the hospital and are sleep-deprived. That's why they sleep almost non-stop for the first few days when they get there. Last Sunday, my Dad slept most of the time my husband, sons and I were visiting. Last night, my husband visited with him and they had a great conversation. Big difference!

I will keep you all posted as to what happens next! Thanks for your continued support.

This site is wonderful, I felt that I was the only person feeling certain feelings and now I know there are others having the same problems. My Dad passed away in May from lung cancer. I took care of him and my Mom who is now in remission from lung cancer. They had been married for 56 years and were only teenagers when they wed. My Mom is so angry all the time. She directs it mainly at me, because I look like my Father. She changes on a dime. First she will be nice, then turn around and be so hateful that it is all I can do not to just walk out and never come back. My Dad knew there would be trouble when he found out he didn't have long he made me promise not to stay away from my Mom, cause that is what I used to do when they were mean, I felt that if I stayed around I would say things that couldn't be taken back. So now here I am listening to my Mom talk about what a failure I am at every thing I do. I never do any thing correctly, quickly enough, or to her liking. Sometimes I want to scream at her that she acts like a selfish little child, but I remember my promise to Dad. I find crying helps to relieve the stress. Trouble is, Mom is only part of my stress. My husbands Mom has cancer too and between our Moms we hardly have time for us anymore. I feel there is distance between us. I don't even feel I had any time to grieve for my Dad. Thanks for listening.

vstefans...... Am I just feeling sorry for myself? I feel so alone and sad all the time. No friends, due to the fact, I might ask (Lord forbid) for a favor... lol I try not to be a burden to anyone and have lost everything.... my job, my health, my friends, my bank accounts and I could go on and on I guess. When I start thinking that way, I feel like I AM the one wanting a pity party ;( thanks everyone for letting me vent ;) I really DO appreciate this site and the help, good or bad from everyone who posts.. like I said before, brothers and sisters in arms!!!!!!

when I mentioned earlier about a "farm"....it is not a working farm.... just a lot of grass and unused equipment, rusted and no longer used. I receive a small social security check from retiring early..to help mom and dad.. So don't misunderstand, and think I have the money to support a mother, who thinks everyone should work for free, and refuses to give me money for groceries, her dogs food etc..... I am totally busted. My family does not help me either. Even my whole family, uncles, cousins etc.... never ask how "I'm doing"..... just how is my mom.... I guess, sometimes I feel like the hired help, but with no monetary compensation, or a "atta girl" your doing a great job... just wanted to clarify. We are by no means well off. In fact, I don't know how much longer the house I live in, will still be standing. ""sigh"""" around and around and around we go.. thanks to all for sharing your helpful answers and suggestions. I really do appreciate them.