My husband and I recently moved in with my mother. We were living an hour away form her and when my father died 4 years ago I changed my work schedule so that I could go see her on a Wednesday afternoon, take her out and pay her bills. February 07 she was found on the floor of her house by her cleaning lady. I had not been down to see her that week because I had been sick with the flu. I had spoken to her on Thursday and went back to work on Monday which was when the cleaning lady got hold of my son to say mom was being taken to the hospital. At that time they thought she had had a stoke, she was severly dehydrated and was talking very crazy. She seemed to have little movement on one side which was why they thought she had had a stroke. She had ended up with a broken right hip and they inserted a rod. 6 years ago she had fallen while my father was still alive and broke her left hip and has 2 plates in that hip. 3 years ago she had fallen in her bathrooma nd cracked her head open and didn't tell anyone until Friday when she told me she needed a clenaing lady not mentioning that the bathroom floor was bloody and that she was coated in blood. this happend on a week where I had a dr. appointment and hadn't gone to see her on Wednesday as usual. the blood on the floor was there so long there where bugs flying around. When she was found this time she had the phone in her hand but never called anyone. she went to rehab for 12 weeks. When they sent the physcolgist in to see her she told him to get out he didn't have an appointment and when they first wanted to take her to PT hse held the door frame as she wasn't in the mood to go. I believe for 10 weeks she really didn't know how bad she was. My sister and brother both live out of state. My mtoher has 1 brother who she is not speaking to a a niece that she talks to all the time. My husband and I rented our house to move in with her. i changed jobs so I was closer to her house and my husband leaves the house and drives 1 hour each way and doesn't return home until 6pm every evening. My mother is a very hard person, she has very little interaction with people. she sees the same people when she goes out to eat. She now has her cleaning lady coming 3 afternoons a week to be with her and hse finds fault with everything the woman does. My mother is under the impression that she has the answer to everything ansd the rest of us haven't a clue. She has trouble showing emotion and has never told any of us that she loves us even when we were gowing up. she likes her wine int he afternoon and a manahattan before she goes to sleep, all of which I water down. she also will drink a blackberry brandy when her stomach is acting up. I try to water that down also but can't always do it. when she has the brandy she tends to get very angry over something she usuall invents and it ends up with her fighting with me. I try very ahrd not to engage her in any altercations but it is so hard and sometimes the words are out of my mouth before even I know it. Last week was a bad one where she took an innocent conversation with my daughter and turned it around that my huband and I were bad parents and only cared about ourselves. the only time we get away is when my sister comes for the weekend. We used to stay home hwen she came but now we make it a point to go away. We do go out every Friday and Saturday night which seems to make her angry. Mind you we never go out without making sure she has something to eat. And there are times when she won't eat. And I explain to her not eating doesn't hurt me it hurts her. She is very controlling and what she doesn't know about someone she will fabricate. Friends are nto there becasue she finds fault with everyone and no one wants to be around her for long periods of time. i try to keep my self busy doing my quilting or sewing, but I have to do this on her dining room table and this aggravates her to no end. We went from a 3 bedroom house to 2 rooms. There is very little space around the bed to walk.
thanks for letting me vent. Hopefully this will help me with my frustration. I know I am doing the best for her, but she sure makes it difficult. i have told my brother and sister that i will not go to divorce court over her and if my husband acn't take it any more we will have to leave and another plan will have to go into place. Mom always said she was not leaving her house hse would die in it. We are trying to make this possible for her but she seems so unappreciative of our effort
28 Answers
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
The way I see it, your Mom is on self-destruct mode and should be in a NH; the cleaning lady should go clean someone else's house instead of being made to feel less-than; and you should go back to the home you rented when the lease is up.
A man's primary needs are food, silence, and a little whoopie every now and then. With your Mom's medical needs, constant nitpicking, and the ragey, tipsy Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde behavior that shows her true colors I'm surprised he's not purchased a Winnebago so he can eat his chicken in peace. ... He's had to endure all that madness because he loves you; even if it hurts.
Before you leave, see if you can arrange a support system for Mom. She's a stubborn woman that'll never admit she needs help ... and doesn't know how to show much affection. Maybe to a pet.
ADVERTISEMENT
Whatever you decide to do can only be based on your own situation and family members. Not everyone on this board agrees with "never let them move in" - many of us have parents or other relatives living with them. I have noticed that recently most of the venting and posting is by people who are unhapot with their own personal situation or have issues which is why this board is here. Caregiving is hard & can bring out behaviour and feelings that usually are supressed which is what you might be picking up on. So, that said - don't get scared off, just take it all as things to consider. If you are unable to do it, then you should be supported for being honest - it sounds as if you will manage to care for your mom in the best way you know how. The fact that you are on this board should validate that you care and are researching your options. Your mom is lucky - as is your family.
To give you a perspective on caregivers who do keep their parents at home I'll say that my mom lives with me and does require care. It is not always easy and as I am single the 'burden' is all on me. I do not regret it and will continue to care for her at home until the end. I am making the choice to do this and add to my skillset and education to accomodate her and her furry companion. I do not expect any pats on the back, it is just the 'right thing' by my own standards.
I am a professional and have had to make adjustments. But I don't regret it & in many instances have discovered that people are more accepting and inclusionary than we give them credit for. So if you can, and are able, take her with you - keep her involved with her family & grand kids.
I sympathize with you about the cat dander - but you do need to do what is safest for your mom. Your wife sounds like she would be willing to support bringing your mom home temporarily while you decide what to do - so perhaps you might consider asking a neighbor to look after the cat or even put it in a board n care for a week. Allergies aside, if it is something that she loves and take comfort from, there must be a way to accomodate her, even temporarily. There are many animal groups you could reach out to for advice.
Good luck.
seems like I need someone to tell me what to do
how to act or react
I hope the testing goes well they may decide that she needs to be placed for her own good of course she will fight like hell about that but at least you will have someone besides yourselves making the decsions. At this point I am able to keep the husband home-I fixed up my bedroom nice so if things get bad again and they will I can stay in there a lot, and he has been helpful since i fell and broke ribs-getting me drinks and such. The aide we have twice a week will be able to help with the doc visits and shopping, and we wre finally following a budget. This site is so great and I feel I have so many new friends.
Let us know how the testing goes next week.
s
start taking her clothes to the cleaners or laundrymat that has aservice that wahses and folds for you and tell her that you are doing this because she is unhappy with the way you are doing her laundry. O and make sure she is paying for this, bet she changes her tune. Believe me you are not telling me anything I haven't heard. My mother has a girl 3 afternoons a week and the girl can't do anything right, the wash, straightening up whatever. Most tiems when Mom is ranting I just say hmm every now and then and really don't pay much attention. This doesn't happen all the time we have had some blow ups where I have given my opinion and she gets annoyed and says she can't talk to me. Mind you I am supposed to have the same opinion as her. I also have to listen to all these stories about the people that hang out at the restaurant she eats in. Believe me I know more about their lives that anyone has a right to know and I don't really care to hear it. So when she is talking I try to think of somehting else and not really pay total attention.
Rant all you want, that's what this is for.
May I ask what is your mother-inlaws background - - what was her life like & how was her personality before she grew old & needed help? just curious,
how do you handle the negativity?
The best way to get your husband to help it to jokingly remind him on a consistant basis, the type of care he will get when he gets older just might be the type of care his mom is getting.....but the catch is that if you are too worn out to care, he is on his own. (if you have kids, bring them into the mix too.)
If nothing else, it can be a funny saying that gently gets the point accross. Things are always easier if someone shares - no matter how unbalanced the arrangement. If you can keep em laughing, you have a shot at getting him to understand.
Now wait for all the long-time married ladies to weigh in.......
grama4
TRACY