I'm new to this sight and I think divine intervention led me here today! It has been a particularly bad day dealing with my 92 year old father who has mid-stage dementia, diabetes and congestive heart failure. He's become so dependent on me and lately has been asking me to do things that I know he's capable of doing for himself. Tonight I had had enough of his demands and blew up! I even told him if he wasn't happy here to find someplace else to live! I felt horrible after I said it but he's really pushing my buttons lately. My husband was understanding and backed me up because he hates to see my dad make me jump through hoops all the time. Is it wrong to insist that they do things on their own and only offer assistance if I know he can't do it? I don't want dad to feel like I don't want him here but I don't want him to become totally dependent before his time. How do I back this up without feeling so much guilt?
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for sleep, I use "seroquel" for the Alz. patient which works great and we both can sleep at night, which is wonderful ! It's what the his doc (who is geriatric specialist) said is best of elderly people.
And, b/c of teeth issue, we use NuNaturals stevia, which is a really good sugar substitute, but not chemical gross things, but only natural - it comes from bark of a tree in S.AMerica and the people down there have been using it for 2000 year.
Best of luck with your Mom ;)
Also, I went to see my doctor last week and he took one look at me and my blood pressure and prescribed a mild anti-anxiety medication that I take at night. It helps me sleep and also takes the edge off during the day. I've been in a much better frame of mind. I'm not saying that drugs are the answer but be aware that there are some wonderful new medications when we get over-stressed and overwhelmed!
* The old classic musicals are great - the music and dancing can keep someone's attention even if they can't follow the story at all. The Music Man, The Sound of Music, anything with Shirley Temple, etc.
* Classic comedians like Bob Hope, Red Skelton, the Three Stooges, etc. can work because the jokes are short and include funny visuals. Plus, even if an older person can't name the entertainer, there's often a recognition there that adds to the attraction.
* There are DVD's or videos available featuring familiar musicians, too. You can find great Perry Como and Lawrence Welk videos at Amazon.com.
It explores both at home and institutional care, but does it in a very personal empathic way. As a psychologist who deals with the elderly and their families, I found this beautifully written and very helpful.
Dr. Charles Merrill
Also, I clean for a lady and her husband who has alzheimers. I used to work for this womans daughter in the doctor's office. Her daughter asked if I would be interested in helping her mom as her dad has alzheimers and her mother is starting to get more forgetful. When I go over there I am there for 3 to 4 hours. Kelley you wouldn't believe how nice and understanding I can be. I really love and care for them. But, I don't have to live with them or feel responsible for them. I am there for support and to help however I can. It's differend than with my mom. However, she often tells me how aggrivated her daughter (the doctor) gets at her. It's funny I am living both sides. You know there is a difference between living with it and just visiting it.
people can get tired and no its no excuse to treat people a certain way(unless its an actual disease). but it just took me back to the week after thanksgiving when i had just come from surgery and she wanted me to take her to walmart and got mad at me when i said no and immediately threw up at her feet...even then she didnt comprehend what was going on.. she was SO ticked i couldnt "get off my lazy butt" and do something for her.. the doctors had told me that if i had waited one more night to go to the ER, id have been dead..
rant over.. the moral of the rants are.. why such an emotional detachment? but people they rarely see, they have more care for?
I also found that mom was giving to dear friend's (I'm finding out there money hungry little grubs) of theirs approx $500-$1,000 a month at random and for things that I just get to furious thinking about. I believe in the end it may be about the control for whatever level it means to them. In my case mom tries to find ways to make me take control at times and then to back off. Its a very old game and dance that I no longer play to. There are consequences I've decided on, and I implement them if necessary.
It makes a tad more work, but much more peaceful in the scope of the past comparison. :) Hope this helps
You are such a great daughter. My mom told my Aunt the other day that she didn't like any of her children. I was hurt, but when I reminded her of that, she of course denied ever saying that. I've told my mom a couple of times that I don't care if she like me, but what I am doing is for her good. But, it still hurts. They don't know what they're saying. They don't understand all you're going through. And girl, you have a lot of stress and pressure on you. I sure wish I could help. But all I can do is type words of encouragement and tell you that somehow you have touched my heart. The night I first logged on and typed my little vent . . . you just don't know how you encouraged me. You're a wonderful person. Hang in there and know that not only are you making a difference in your mothers life, but you made a difference in mine. And I want to say thank you!!!!! Hang in there okay.
Now that you know mom takes things.... its a new level of turning it up a notch. I know when I was staying with my dad while mom was in the hospital for a while he respected my purse. I could hide the keys to the car there. D'OH one day that just totally switched and I saw him rumaging... I was like, "UM, excuse me.... may I help you with something?" As I promptly removed the keys from his hand. I told him "NO ONE touches my car" (technically his). He asked me how I could afford it, and I told him OH DO I MAKE the money! and he smiled with a sneer (HA ... not even close)
I say that to say they are going to rumage, find and like a 2-yr old find things you could not even expect them to discover. Keep one eye on them and we'll celebrate exhausted birthdays together by toasting a nap to each of us! LOL
In my case I have no children, but I am married. This month I will turn 40 and I'm exhausted. I've been 4 years of emotional drain. My mom is a pure fledged controlling b* and works at trying to find anyway to get a hold on my life. Dad let her have her way for 50+ years. I do not need to lay down my life. I owe the to be cared for, and that's what they are. They are in a beautiful assisted living facility care of my father's hard work, and the caregivers and attention they get can't be beat. It works easier. They have the training, knowledge and techniques to handle what I cannot and am not able to do.
My parents don't realize what's involved. My dad and mom both agreed with the attorney to have me as a power of attorney to care for them, but anytime I assert that with dad due to his Alzheimer's, he gets furious and belligerent. I just end up having to walk away while someone distracts him. Its part of the old school Greek that a man provides for his family and as his daughter I'm being insubordinate. He still sees me as that little girl and when he shakes his finger at me.... OH MAN!!!
How will it effect your relationships? You may find that someone could help you enjoy life more or you will go for someone younger. :)
We're here and we understand!!
there should be NO guilt on your part, bernardine, for doing anything without your mom is she refuses to use the resources available to her in order to do them too. Id remind her of that next time.
larger malls and stores normally have power chairs available if you need one. call ahead and if yours provides one, maybe mom could join you "meet in the food court in an hour" or something to that effect. you still get some alone time without the hassle or guilt of having done it in the first place when you get home.
dahuser, WHY dont you go to lunch anymore? perhaps the "bus" system could help you also. you wont have to worry getting him situated and, well the drivers HERE, do so much to help that i just stand back. my mom used to call people "whats their name"(she has issues with my dads family for some reason) i'd ignore it and say "oh LESLIE is just fine today, thanks!". firm rules need to be laid down about your husband. i was talking to someone about our parents daily 'emergencies', if it isnt a real emergency and they just want attention it will have to wait. your dad will have to learn this. you firmly tell your dad that you need to spend time with your husband(stress that). I could say you should have a talk with your dad, but i tried that with my mom and i ended up getting us both upset. im trying different ways these days. ignore the attitude and she sees it doesnt work with me, she stops.