I couldn’t deal with caring for my father anymore so I put him in a home. He died a couple months later and I always regret it. Now I am caring for my mother and don’t want to make the same mistake.

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Ironman58 Asked March 2009

I couldn’t deal with caring for my father anymore so I put him in a home. He died a couple months later and I always regret it. Now I am caring for my mother and don’t want to make the same mistake.

Hi y'all-I'm sorta new here, and hope this will be a place to unload my stress and get advice. I am a 51 year-old single man, no kids with my own home. I moved my parents in with me when I bought my house, mainly because my dad had Alzheimer's so bad-I took care of him as much as I could, but with all the hitting cursing and spitting on me,(I know it wasn't him, but the disease) I couldn't deal with it any more and had to put him in a rest home. He died a couple of months later and I always felt regret, like I threw him away or something. Now, I'm afraid my worst nightmare's coming true, My mom's exhibiting some dementia now, much like my dad did. She sees and hears things that aren't there. She hears "singing" and always thinks I'm having somebody do something to the house. This has been going on for a few months now, I talked to her doctor but she really doesn't know what to suggest, other than changing her meds. Her doctor asked me "what do YOU want to do?" when I told her about the hallucinations, inferring "rest home", which I simply don't wnat to do. My mom looked at me once and said "I don't want to live in a rest home"...I told her she wouldn't have to...

I have 3 brothers with families of their own, being the oldest and single, this responsibility sort of fell on my shoulders. I accept it gladly, but it is extremely distressing to see her go the same route as my dad. If she becomes abusive like he did, I'm not sure what I'll do-Oh wait-Yeah I am! I'll get in my truck and just start driving, and NEVER stop...
I work out daily, the gym being my "Oasis in a desert of despair and depression" it REALLY helps, but I know things aren't gonna get better and she's growing more and more dependent on me. I have to have SOME time to myself, even if it's an hour at the gym. Which, by the way, is about 35 miles from my house, thank goodness-NO ONE can find me!)
I just don't know what to do, like many of y'all-Rest homes here start at around $1600.00 a month, she has money put away ( I manage her finances) but if I HAD to go that route, she couldn't afford more than 3 or 4 years, then I'd have to move her back in, her retirement gone, and probably in worse shape. I love my mom dearly, as I did my dad. They both worked so hard all their lives to give us a loving, christian home, and I just want my mom to have the best for the rest of her life, but it's SO hard to see her grow weaker and more confused. I worry that her safety may be an issue soon, although she gets around fine. She has had a mild stroke though and is succeptible to more.
Sorry this is so long. I was up at 5 a.m. trying to convince mom that no one was in the house. It's very distressing and all I do is worry now. Thanks for reading (if you got this far)...

Mental Health

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score 0 · Answer 1

Our state use to allow small care centers in homes with 4-5 pt,s I worked in one when I was in high school and they were great but are not allowed any more or it is too much red tape- but they are all gone. More people around me think he needs to be placed but if not I will change aides for maybe 3 times a week for 3 hrs-it will cost more a little more but will get a aide who can do a complete bath and if he has to go to doc visits and only if necessary will use a car service. I don't have to decide right now and if he is presented with placement or treating me with respect he may decide he can do that/

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Another thing with Dementia is that if the doctor agrees, they also have been recommending (since its a form of Alzheimer's) to put them on mild anti-depressants and sometimes on an anti-seizure med (talk to the doctor about these options).

The anti-depressants helped my father stop becoming so easily agitated and he was able to sleep through the night more but he wasn't so uptight during the day. It also helps calm them down a bit. So it may help with some of the symptoms you described. Studies are also showing certain combination of vitamins.

Don't give up and try looking for assistance. Is there a possibility of an adult day care where you work out, and maybe you can get some peace, she can get out in a social environment then as well?

God bless you for doing all you can, and don't feel guilty for not being able to do it all. You gave your dad your best, and you are doing it for your mom as well.

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score 0 · Answer 3

Wow! Thanks for the replies y'all! Great information TRF! Thanks for the suggestions! She has a new doctor who specializes in geriatric care and he's gonna do some tests to see where we stand. Then we'll go from there.

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score 0 · Answer 4

It's a difficult situation when you are confronted with the decline of a parent. I have been in the home care business since 1979, and therefore have a lot of experience in dealing with these problems. Depending on the patients condition we recommend introducing a caregiver, usually a CNA, who has worked in long term care and knows how to handle the dementia. Most of our families work with us in introducing the caregiver gradually, sometimes not letting the patient know they are in your home to care for them. In a short period of time a bond will build between the CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) and the patient, allowing the family member to get away for periods of time without being concerned. Most agencies will have a minimum number of hours, generally 4, primarily because the caregivers refuse short visits. We are lucky because we do 2 hour visits and can usually connect 4 per day so the employee has a full schedule. If finances limit getting outside help check with your state's long term care programs, usually funded through Medicaid. Each states plan will vary but it is much less expensive to keep a patient at home than to institutionalize them. In some states they have group home plans where patients live in a private residence with a few other seniors requiring supervision. It's another option to consider. Finally, call your local Hospice organization, although they will not send anyone for respite care they are a wonderful resource depending on your parents condition, and their services are free. If I can provide any other information please feel free to e-mail me at TRF649@aol.com.

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score 0 · Answer 5

I fully understand how you feel my Mom heres voices and singing which she says is usually good music. Thank God! However, there has been some episodes that were horrible the hullcinations at there worst. But after being in the hospital and being put on the right medication it is manageable at this time.

She still hears singing and voices, children. But she said they are not as loud. But some episodes have been just so out of character for her. Her worst night mare and ours it last for 7 days and nights none stop. It is hard to understand where it all comes from.

But anyway I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. And I don't know how we will get through these things. But I am sure that God didn't bring us this far to drop us now. For we have been blessed to have wonderful loving parents.

Hang in there. And keep the faith.

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score 0 · Answer 6

Dear ironman, what a wonderful son you are! You do what you have to do, and don't feel guilty. Your father, now knows you had to do what you needed to do, and will not have any hard feelings where he is now; only love and peace. Welcome to this site, here the people are caring and compassionate, and supportive. You will not be judged or criticized. Take Care, and let us know how you and Mom are doing. Nauseated

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I couldn’t deal with caring for my father anymore so I put him in a home. He died a couple months later and I always regret it. Now I am caring for my mother and don’t want to make the same mistake.

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