Your loving care needs to be shared, but shuttling her is hard on her too. This is a tough decision and only your family can decide what is best for her. If you have a very good nursing home or a home set up for the care of a few elders (one you've checked out well), and the families take turns visiting her while she stays in one place, it could be better. She likely gets confused every time she moves.
Many people with dementia can't even go to another home for a holiday meal, as it's too agitating. If she's upset with the moves, she may feel she has no home.
If you are not in an area where there is a warm and caring home for her where she can stay in one place and you and your brother can be the ones to do the traveling, the best things are to keep as many duplicates of her things as possible around her and all of you meet together as much as possible so she doesn't feel she is being "dropped off."
You are in a tough decision phase here. I hope you can find a solution that makes her more comfortable.
My mom is blind and has sever dimentia. She has been with me since 2005 but only after 6 months of her getting up every night at multiple times did we move move around every 5 days. My mom was also very comfertible until November 2008 when she several mini strokes that took her sight and started her dimentia advancing greatly. My wife and I take turns sleeping on the sofa in ouir family room since it is next to my mom;s bedroom. I should say we rest on the sofa since there is no sleeping since my mom is up anywhere between 4 to 8 times between midnight and 7 AM. Me and my wife are completly exhausted and this is why we asked my bother to help out in this matter. Hopefully you will not experience 24x7 care without sleep.
At what point does she start to become upset? Is it en route, or when you say something to her when you are about to leave, or is it just anticipating the day? It all depends on what is causing her anxiety. It may be a feeling that she does not have a permanent place she feels she can call home. It could be that your lifetsyles and housekeeping details are radically different. Could be many, many reasons, including entirely legitimate reasons for her agitation. Have you ever asked her what she dislikes the most?
My mom gets upset as soon as she knows that she is going to the other person's home. My mom has been living with me for the last 4 years, and only recently (the last 3 months) have we moved her back and forth since she is up multiple times each night. Since her bedroom is on the first floor near the family room my wife and I take turns sleeping on the couch. This is the reason we move her every 5 days. Beside her advanced dimentia she also lost her sight about 8 months ago when she had a stroke.
It may be an overwhelming change for her, physically, mentally, and cognitively speaking, even though it may seem like a small thing to someone else. Even without disabilities, I can't say I would feel settled moving back and forth between homes. The move requires mentally readjusting each time, both ways. Since it is a recent change for her, it may just take her longer than 3 months to understand that it will be her new routine. Are the environments radically different? How active is she in one home versus the other home? How much, or how little interaction in each place? Could be any number of things causing her to feel unsettled or overwhelmed, or flat out scared that she no one will pick her up and return her to your home, as in fear of being abandoned by you.
You may want to ask her if there is anything she would like you to get for her that she would enjoy seeing or having, or doing in the other home. You may want to call her a couple of times right after you drop her off to let her know you are thinking of her. You may want to invite the other person over to your home, instead of just having her dropped off, and enjoy some cake, or scones and tea, etc., to reinforce for her that she is extra special to have others who care for her as much as you both do. Any little extra touches to reassure her that all is well, assuming there is nothing real that she fears, may help her to become more at-ease in less time. Hope you get to the bottom of what is making her uncomfortable. Have you tried just asking her what makes her not want to go, and what does she miss the most when she has to leave for the short spell? Wishing you the very best of outcomes on this one. It has to be very difficult for you and your spouse, as well. God bless you all, and grant your Mom the comfort of knowing that she is loved and will not be abandoned, nor is she being "dumped."
Carol, thanks for your input. We are looking at placing her in a home that cares for dimentia people. The home has individual rooms and only has 14 residents. I am hoping this create the enviorment you mentioned. I am hoping she does not think we are trying to get rid of her or dumping her again. I will ensure that I get to see her on a near daily basis. Hopefully my brother will do the same.
I'm guessing that your mom gets upset because she doesn't want any change that requires her to adapt. I would be willing to bet that if your mom got to stay in the same location she could tolerate the 5 day shift changes fairly easily, not that you and your brother would, could or should do such. And, I think it is awesome that your brother has started sharing the responsibility with you.
I don't know of any surefire fix for your situation and this may sound silly, but have you considered giving her a security blanket or something like a worry bear, maybe both? (If it's a special purchase I suggest you also pick up a spare.)
They should stay with her at all times and whenever she gets anxious or upset you and your brother would only remind her to hold her security item(s) to help her comfort herself. Try not to coddle the upset moments because that has potential to prolong her adjustment period, but when she achieves moments of self comfort using her items give her plenty of praise and attention-or if she's anything like my grandma- a favorite snack would be even better.
It's not an immediate fix, but over time it may help her to accept the transitions of her new routine.
if i was a elder , i would not like to be here and there and not knowing which is to call my home ?? my father moved in with me and he is very comfertable here and not anywhere eles . i cant picture myself moving him around and get a diffrent kinds of care and loving . he would get upset if he dont see me around . i imagin your mother feels the same way . they rather be in one place and same person they trust thier life on . need to make up your mind where your mother should be at and keep her in one place so she knows that is her home ....
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Many people with dementia can't even go to another home for a holiday meal, as it's too agitating. If she's upset with the moves, she may feel she has no home.
If you are not in an area where there is a warm and caring home for her where she can stay in one place and you and your brother can be the ones to do the traveling, the best things are to keep as many duplicates of her things as possible around her and all of you meet together as much as possible so she doesn't feel she is being "dropped off."
You are in a tough decision phase here. I hope you can find a solution that makes her more comfortable.
Carol
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You may want to ask her if there is anything she would like you to get for her that she would enjoy seeing or having, or doing in the other home. You may want to call her a couple of times right after you drop her off to let her know you are thinking of her. You may want to invite the other person over to your home, instead of just having her dropped off, and enjoy some cake, or scones and tea, etc., to reinforce for her that she is extra special to have others who care for her as much as you both do. Any little extra touches to reassure her that all is well, assuming there is nothing real that she fears, may help her to become more at-ease in less time. Hope you get to the bottom of what is making her uncomfortable. Have you tried just asking her what makes her not want to go, and what does she miss the most when she has to leave for the short spell? Wishing you the very best of outcomes on this one. It has to be very difficult for you and your spouse, as well. God bless you all, and grant your Mom the comfort of knowing that she is loved and will not be abandoned, nor is she being "dumped."
I don't know of any surefire fix for your situation and this may sound silly, but have you considered giving her a security blanket or something like a worry bear, maybe both? (If it's a special purchase I suggest you also pick up a spare.)
They should stay with her at all times and whenever she gets anxious or upset you and your brother would only remind her to hold her security item(s) to help her comfort herself. Try not to coddle the upset moments because that has potential to prolong her adjustment period, but when she achieves moments of self comfort using her items give her plenty of praise and attention-or if she's anything like my grandma- a favorite snack would be even better.
It's not an immediate fix, but over time it may help her to accept the transitions of her new routine.
need to make up your mind where your mother should be at and keep her in one place so she knows that is her home ....