My 88 y/o mother-in-law lives alone. Has High BP, diabetes, dementia. I can't get her to move and she won't eat right or bath. How responsible are we?

If she is in bad enough shape and refuses help from you, you may have to call social services. They can do a welfare check on her. Having a third party in on these things generally helps a lot.

As to how responsible you are, that depends on the relationship you have. I don't believe you are legally responsible, but I'm sure you'd like to see her in a safer environment. Social services is a good option. They will have suggestions for help in your area, as well.

Carol

As far as legal responsibility, I would defer you to the experts in your state. Adult children almost always feel some responsibility. That feeling is difficult to know what to do with when the elder isn't cooperating. The important thing to remember is that judgement and safety awareness is often impaired with dementia and therefore the elder isn't always competent to make health related decision on her own behalf. Engage the assistance of her MD. Also, be aware that neighbors may, at some point, become concerned and notify whatever elder protective services there are in your local area. If you don't intervene, choices can easily become more limited, yours and hers. Protective services, once notified, will do everything to assure her safety. Your intervention may include more quality of life considerations in the decision making process. You may need to seek an appointment as her health care proxy and durable power of attorney. Her MD can invoke those two documents, essentially naming you as the decision maker. Ultimately, the court can be petitioned for guardianship. This is more expensive and can often lead to hard feelings among family members. Tough love is hard with our kids. It's even more difficult with our parents.

Carol always gives great advice if Social Service does an assestment they will probably confer with her doc and come up with a plan-is there another family member who could go in for a few days she might respond to someone else-I spent two weeks out with my Mom and did get her to eat better for a while and then when she got comfortable with me she started to eat less some days she would only eat pudding-she wants to live along but if she continues not to take care of herself she will not be able to do that-you should not be held responsible if she refuses to do as she needs you can not force anyone to eat or bath it might help for you to hire someone for a few hrs to go in and see how they fare-I would write down all of your interventions-what help some with my Mom I cut the food into small pieces on a serving plate and let herself take what she wanted and at times she would eat more that way for a while and she fixed carnation instant breakfast which is similiare to Ensure but you add the milk and is a lot less expensive our hospital used after I pointed that out to them make sure you call her doc often and write down each time and his or her response you can not make someone do what they do not want to do it will just get you crazy and will not help=been there done that take care dear lady

My mom and dd were not able to live alone. Dad had Hospice everyday, and mom had Parkinson's. The social worker from Hospice told my parents they needed a live-in at the time. I was working, getting ready to retire. So, since my brother and I had POA, we told my mom and dad that if they didn't get a live-in, we could be charged with elder abuse. It worked,; within 4 days someone was there until dad died. She stayed on 4 more months until mom moved in with us. It was the best possible situation. So, a little white lie worked for us.
Linda

you must action fast. all the illness that you mom has run there course, and get worse with time. You can call social services and also get with her doctor to find out how far the the illnesses are. The Dementia, is hard, they forget things, like to even take there medications for all the other problems. Hide things, go outside and walk about the neighborhood. You can even call the state elder state number listed in your local phone book. mer Md continue can make at times unable to become the full durable power of attorney only the power of attorney if she does not have one made up and heath epoxy plus a will. Also look for any paid up insurance policies if they wwwith you as beneficary o and eery thing started to happen, even the urine smell. The neighbors or the church people did nothing only my uncle. I did find pre paid insurnace policy which help me pay for a pre funeral, since mom was coming to Florida with me and her arragments final plans would be in New York at the veternans. This may sound bad, but some states are looking at all assets if you have to put a person in a assisiting living or nursing home or even to get help. I the year its sounds terrible you work so hard and the government, just steps in with all there laws and regulations. The bank accounts also should have you name as power attorney on them, also make sure mom does not have a safe deposit box. Try to sit down with her have a peaceful conversation and see if she may remember if there is some important paper work that you may need to take care of your loving momther in her time of need. the bills. You may have to look around for day care or have someone to come in and help you out. You have a long trail ahead and this * HELP LINE* It has help me alot and you are not alone, it is very good( good kind people and important info) good luck. I was not that lucky my mom had the Alzheimers/ Dementia/ with high blood pressure and also diabetes. The doctors would not listen to me, I notice a change when I visit her at least six times a year in the begining of the illness. When she kept fallen and her sugar was crazy I demanded a test. Yes it was the begining of dementia and it was not getting any easy for me traveling from florida to New York and working. It all started with the diabetes I even had protective services called in due to her leaving the gas I had to call the fire dept. Mom was due to come live with me however I was not given her true health condition and I or even with some help could not do it, I search ahead of time before moving her to Florida. i look at over ten places and found one. that I am happey with. yes she has fallen remembers me but no one else. i visit every other day. yes I had to leave my job the traveliibng for years was getting to hard on me and my family. good luck. hang in. patricia

We just up and moved my mother who suffers from the some of the same problems. She fought it as hard as she could however with her putting her life at risk by answers questions from strange phone callers and opening doors without checking to see who's there, we knew it was time

It is true they will open the door for strangers and also will let them in, and at times may lock you out. They aslo will answer the phone and give important infor out to strangers over the phone. I made sure my own mom's credit report reports were all clean, that no damage was done. Some banks will send the eldery a credit card with high limits and it could get into the wrong hands.
I had found mail not open ( some were overdue bills or checks not cash) It is hard but it does come time that family membes have to be closer for their own safety. You are the caretaker and wants what is best so they are treated with love and compansion. You can also extra help from different organziations like elder care, church, social services. Make sure you have all the legal papers in order and start checking now for any papers or even money that might have been misplaced in error. Do look at different places in case you can not handle it, visit many assisting living and nursing homes at different times and days. Also there are programs that assist you if their are no large assets. they work with the assisting living and nursing homes. Good luck. Stay with this web site it helps alot. patrica61