My mother is dependent on me for everything and even gets angry when I ask my siblings to help out. How can I deal with her behavior?

You have to just have your siblings help.....I found that when I ask my mom, she doesn't want anyone else to help but me, because she is used to the way I do things and only relies on me. I am having to set things up behind her back and have them "drop by" and offer to take her places. It works for my mom, but we all know every mom is unique.

She will get angry at times, but they are her kids and she will allow them to help and spend time with them. Hang tough, be strong when you must. Just like they did when you were younger.

You may feel guilty for wanting your sister to move to 24 hr. care, but, your resentment can move further to a moment of temporary insanity that causes you to lash out. As outlandish as this sounds, it happens. Many of those that have checked out my center, when confronted with this reality, will immediately make the decision because they recognize, either they have already crossed that threshold, or they see it coming.

Haha whats a sibling?

I think it is time for you to get extra help. Whether it is your siblings or extra live-in care, you need to now. Talk to your siblings and tell them what you are going through.

Hope it works out!

Best,
Jackie

Char6626

I understand 100% it really drags you down sometimes I had the same issue with my mother but when I brought home boxes and the apartment papers for her to sign she said she thought she would be better off staying here, than she tried it again, I told her to go but that she wouldn't she didn't when I brought the boxes home etc. She said I never did that? okay make me think I'm crazy to. Its a hard situation and you just have to learn to distance yourself from them and not plug into their unhealthy energy easier said than done but doable.

Elizza,
You are so right with the resentment part, as I have now begun to resent my sister who's lived with us for 18 months. She SAYS she wants to move, but when we asked her seriously about it, she does not want to leave our home. She definitely needs help beyond our emotional and financial needs any more, but of course she doesn't see it that way. I have even told her my health and nerves can't take it anymore, and she needs to move elsewhere. (she is qualified for 24/7 care, but won't go). We have POW, but hoped to not have to force any issue. A nurse from the home is trying to reason with her, as she need to have a chest x-ray and ekg, but she doesn't "do" doctors. Hang in there caregiverslight....I'm praying for all of us!

I agree with Lovingdaughter - Ask your sibs to come over to help on specific things (check on her during the day for lunch; keep her company while you and your husband go out to dinner, etc) but make it specific and then tell your mother that this is what is happening. You deserve respect as does she and it can't be all one person's way - that never works in the long run. If you don't stand up for what you need, you will come to resent her and that is not what you want.

mINE LIVES WITH ME AND EXPECTS ME TO DO EVERYTHING BECAUSE SHE HAS A BACK ACHE i DON'T DOUBT SHE HURTS BUT SO DO i SHE JUST WON'T HELP i'VE ASKED HER TO DUST SHE WILL FOR A LITTLE BIT THAN SHE WILL SAY i WISH i COULD HELP YOU MOREE BUT i CAN'T WITH THIS PAIN SHE HAD THE OPPORTUNITY TO HAVE THIS CORRECTED MANY YEARS AGO BUT IT SERVES AS A GOOD EXCUSE TO NOT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING BUT LAY IN BED READ THE GLOBE AND ENQUIRER AND EAT JUNK AND WATCH TV. I CAN TELL HER SUPPER IS ALMOST DONE AND SHE WILL NOT COME SO i DON'T TELL HER ANY MORE IF SHE GETS HUNGRY SHE CAN HEAT IT UP IN THE MICROWAVE SHE TAKES IT TO HER ROOM AND EATS AND NEVER EVER OFFERS TO DO DISHES WHICH MEANS YOU BUT THEM IN THE DISHEASHER ETC SO i JUST DON'T BOTHER WITH HER, i KEEP A EYE OUT FOR CHANGES OTHER THAN THAT SHE CAN STAY IN THE BED AND PLAY LIKE A TEENAGER. MY SIBLINGS COULD CARE LESS AND IF I OUTLIVE MY MOTHER LOL i WILL JUST POST HER DEMISE ON MYSPACE. SOUND CRUEL NO ITS A FACT VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL NARCISSISTIC FAMILY

Don't ask, just get your siblings to help. Shame on them for letting it go on for 10 years. Put your foot down. Did you know 30% of caregivers die before the one they are taking care of? Don't let this go on. She is doing this possibly out of habit? I let my mom do what she can, but have others to help for the things she can not. Brother won't help at all!! Don't end up like me. I feel like an only child.

Is your Mom relying on you for everything out of habit, or truly because she requires your assistive living support on a regular basis? If she can do more for herself, it would be great to allow her to do so, and not enable her excessive reliance on you, if that is the case. Consider asking her to help you set the table in advance of a meal, for example, or sort and fold clothes after they are taken out of the dryer. Anything light that does not require major physical maneuvers in another room of your home may be a start, if she is physically able to do so without posing any safety threat to herself, or others in the home.
Consider inviting your husband to take a walk with you only, in your neighborhood at day's end, and, let your Mom know that you are both going on a walking date each night, as one way of being able to talk to each other privately. Is your Mother's memory ok, or does she have any cognitive issues? Does she have any hobbies? Any grandchildren who might come visit and entertain her for a bit for an hour, or so, on a weekend, even? Can she help you make a few hand-made Christmas gifts, even if you don't give them away? Simple crafts could become a little hobby for her if she has the cognitive and motor coordination skills to accomplish. She can even make personalized Christmas cards or holiday greeting cards for others, or dried floral arrangements for Thanksgiving. Sounds like she may be bored? Perhaps, without realizing it, even you may be enabling her interruptions by not creating sufficient structure or routines to help her realize that there is a need for balance in how you and your husband spend time with her and with each other. Just taking a shot at this, as your post doesn't give enough background to determine whether there are physical or cognitive issues, nor clues about how she goes about interrupting your conversations with your husband. Is there anything else going on, in your opinion, or just interruptions and refusal to have other siblings involved in her care.