My mother has dementia and needs full-time care. She refuses to go to an assisted living facility and is becoming irrational and violent. How do I care for her?

Has she had a recent check up and does she take medication? Sometimes medication helps, other times not. Her doctor should be helping you out with this.

If she is a danger to herself or others, something needs to be done and you can't do it alone. Third party help is needed. A welfare check by social services should get the ball rolling if nothing else works.

Carol

Sometimes you just have to make the decision to take her and allow the community to do what it does best. If she is violent she may need some medications or a stay in a behavioral Unit. It is a tough situation but she is not capable of making her own decisions and if she is a danger to you or others now is the best time to check into some options. A Secure Memory Care knows the best way to handle people in these situations and can give you some advice as can her doctor.

She's not even my mother, but my heart sort of stopped beating for a moment when I read this question. A mixture of sadness, pain, and fear is the best way I can describe it; and the tears are welling up in my eyes as I type. On the one hand, the person who guided your first steps is lashing out at the world probably out of sheer confusion and literally unraveling in front of you. On the other hand, you are not just as confused as she is, but your self-defense mechanisms are forcing you to react rather than respond. I'd feel helpless too.

To begin with, you need to accept the fact you can't do it alone. I commend you for reaching out to us "outsiders," but try something closer to home like asking your siblings and other family members for help. Some of them might not want to be bothered, but any assistance, however minimal, will make things a bit easier for you. Try to control your emotions, as they'll definitely cloud your better judgment. Second, begin researching assisted living facilities in your State of residence that take public assistance and help you apply for it. This requires a personal touch, so it'd be best if you check out these facilities yourself. Take a close relative with you not just for moral support, but because this is an issue that stirs up all kinds of emotions in people like you who truly love their parents. After all, you wouldn't be asking for help if you didn't.

When all is said and done, you will still ask yourself if you did the right thing by making decisions that you'll also have to live with for the rest of your life. In this case, I have no doubt assisted living facilities can connect you with support groups (e.g. bereavement) to begin the slow process of healing and provide you with some tools -- like the movie titled The Savages.

Remember that time doesn't heal all wounds. Some are so deep that there's no other choice but to learn to live with them. Life is also quite unfair at times, particularly when you are at your weakest. But at least you'll know in your heart that you gave it your best shot, sought for a source of strength other than your own, and did the best with what you had. Your mom might not be herself right now, but she's aware you are still fighting for her. ... I feel it, and you feel it too.

-- edvierajr

She needs to be seen by a neurolgist to determine if she is competent to make decisions regarding her finances and health. Is there a durable Power of Attorney for finances and health? If deemed incompetent the person named in the POA is responsible for her well being. If not a call to Adult Protective Services would give you some options or if her estate is sizable someone can petition the court for Conservatorship.

leno--Make it easy on everyone involved, and follow the suggestions already made, as you need to find out why her behavior is so bazzare-and take it from there. The transision to assisted living-once you find one you like-possibly can be supported by some of the staff members at a facility of your choice-and will be easier if you had Power of Attorney..Good Luck

If your Mom needs 24/7 care, I don't think she belongs in assisted living....I just placed my sister in a nursing home, and she's perfectly happy....I used the term Sr. Housing. The nurse even took her on a tour of the place, and it worked out just swell....the 3rd outside person involvement is your answer, as she probably won't listen to family at all....my father didn't either. Of course POA helps greatly, but she doesn't understand that any more probably. You have to save her from herself. I know you'll find the right thing for you and her to do in the end.....have faith and patience....I know it's easier to say than to do.

Good and helpful posts, thanks.

If she has been diagonosed with demntia talk to her doctor than she is not thinking ratally so do what is best for both of you she may not like it but will get used to it once she sees she is getting some attention more often than at home. It might take her awhile to adjust but you have to do whats best not only for her but for you and your family. Good luck

What happens when we talk and talk and talk to doctors, specialists, psychiatrists, lawyers, courts, judges, etc., and they still ... have their way? What is best for them, and who decides? When our system fails to address and meet those needs, then what? What's wrong with this picture ??? They tell me, "trust in God."

Well then you have to use your own judgement. I have found the best person I can rely on is myself. I won't do it out of spite but if it has something to do with moms care and I can't do it I will make the decision once I know she has dementia and I see the signs starting, My mother in law had it big time so I am a little familiar with it although it manifests itself differently in different people. I think it comes out in what they fixate on the most. Age plays a part of this and mobility so there are several factors to consider. Good Luck