What can I do for my mother if she can afford to live alone anymore and coming to live with my husband and I would most likely end in a divorce?

If this will wreck your marriage, you can't do it. Help your mother by getting her on Medicaid and looking for senior housing that is subsidized. Go to your state's Web site and look for help under aging services.

Good luck. These are hard decisions.
Carol

Thank you, I appreciate your help. At one point, I took her to a lawyer to see if he could help her with a disability case, but he couldn't help because she didn't have permanent housing. I give my mother money every 2 weeks for food and necessities and would like to offer my house to her when the time comes, but am not sure that is best for me and my husband. My husband is very flexible and caring, but having a mother who is probably capable of doing some type of job, would be too much for him to handle as he would constantly get frustrated at her sitting around the house claiming she can do this or that because of this reason or that reason. See, my mother has true medical problems, but some of her complaints are embellished. I have been enabling this behavior, because she is the sweetest woman alive and calling her out gets her upset. I guess I just don't want my mother to end up on the streets - she is not physically or mentally strong enough for that kind of stress and desperation, but at the same time, I am not sure if I am strong enough mentally to deal with her living with me and disrupting my life. I appreciate your advice, I will research my state and prepare myself. Thanks for the luck, I will need it and much more...

Carol:

As some of my clients say, you are "fantabulous." And as my Dad used say "Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he'll eat for a lifetime." It's a great way to keep from being emotionally blackmailed by those closest to your heart. Barring a severe physical and mental condition, it also affords these individuals the opportunity to develop lifeskills that will allow them to fend for themselves at any age; and allow those you deeply care about them to hang on to health, wits ... and loving husbands.

Your Mom will not be out on the street if she is poor and really has no assests she will qualify for medicaide you will need to see an elder lawyer who will be able to assist her with the paperwork-do not take on that job yourself she needs to take responsibly for her self and the job is overwhelmimg she probably has social security and maybe a pension esp. if she lives on her own now-you have to think of yourself and your husband -how would you feel if it was your MIL. Mine wanted to live with us and since her object had been to break us up for all our married life I did not allow it and when we almost moved across the country for his job he asked her to move with us before he talked to me about it-we did not move for that reason. She lived very well on her own until she had to be placed and then had to spend down her money until she qualified for medicaide and I did not feel guility she had been so mean to me for so long.

Contact your state housing authority to see if there is subsidized housing for your mother. In most states there are programs to help pay all or part of monthly rent for disabled or poor seniors. Once she becomes too ill, medicaide - or what ever it's called in your state - will kick in. Do not feel guilty because you don't want to move your mother in with you. If she embellishes her disability now as she ages it will ONLY GET WORSE. You'll end up doing everything for her and then you'll resent it and feel even more guilt at that. My first rule of parent care is DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR ESTABLISHED FUTURE FOR THEIRS. If you do give her money, never put it into her checking or savings accounts, the state will consider that income and she might loose benefits. Give cash directly to her or take her shopping or pay a bill. It's hard to watch your mother struggle financially since she's the source of your being BUT striking a balance between helping her remain comfortable and sacrificing yourself is possible. You just have to find it for your own situation. And, don't let ANYONE make you feel like you're ungrateful because you can't have mom live with you. I'm a high strung perfectionist at heart (but working on it) which causes my mom stress. I'm a much better daughter to her because she does not live with me and she has exposure to others who are caring, supportive and give her outside interests.