How can I make my mother go to assisted living if she does not want to go?

It sounds like the doctor diagnosed your mom's dementia as being more than a caregiver for 5 hours a day is adequate for.

Now when you say you and your brother were summoned by the doctor, what was the reason for him summoning you. I've never heard of a doctor summoning someone. However, "He informed us that in the event we did not take care of this and place her in a facility, that he would report us for elder neglect." sounds very serious.

Does she qualify for Medicaid?

Has the doctor diagnosed her as incompetent?

Your POA alone will not give you the legal authority to place her like the doctors says she needs to be. To override her state of mind which sounds very demented, you or your brother will need to become her guardian. It sounds like her safety and care needs must be viewed as primary over what she wants.

She's at home alone for 19 hours of the 24 day in a deteriorating neighborhood with mobility problems, paranoid about her money yet spends more than she has. Her doctor sounds like she needs 24 hour care and your mother can't afford that. Your next step is apply for your mother to get Medicaid, search for a nursing home that takes medicaid, let the doctor know you are in the process of making plans and ask him to evaluate her for being competent or not for you will need that medical diagnosis and backing in going for guardianship.

BTW, what does your husband think about all of this?

Is padding your mother's bank account putting your own finances and retirement in jeopardy? I have heard of adult children spending all of their savings and retirement funds on their parents which means they are left with none.

My mother has been diagnosed with dementia, has been living at home with a caregiver there, 5 hours a day. She showers by herself, and dresses with just a little assistance. Her mobility is limited, and she will only use a cane (refuses a walker). She will not cook for herself, so the caregivers prepare her meals. While most of her bills are paid online, she doesn't understand this and thinks we are stealing her money. She spends the night alone, in a neighborhood that has deteriorated. She thinks she is capable of driving and is irate that my brother confiscated her keys. She cashes checks every week, running out of money, and I have starting padding her account. I have durable power of attn., but of course, its possible for her to revoke that (tho I don't believe she is capable of following thru). My brother and I would like her to stay at home as long as she wants; however, we were summoned by the dr. for a visit and he told her she could no longer live at home by herself (we did not prompt this dr, at all). He informed us that in the event we did not take care of this and place her in a facility, that he would report us for elder neglect (though I take off work every week to drive the hour to her home and assist). She is adamant that the doctor doesn't know what he's talking about and doesn't know her (been her doc for 15 years). I have talked reasonably with her, but she gets mad and starts her hateful accusations. My daughter says just pack a bag, behind her back, tell her we are going for a ride, and take her to the facility and then tell her she's staying there is temporary. I feel this lacks compassion, and would like other suggestions, though she will not listen to reason and becomes irrational and verbally abusive. Any suggestions are welcome. HELP. BTW, she cannot afford a caregiver 24/7.

Anybody who would make different decisions than you do is shameful? Wow, BIKERGRL08, with that kind of understanding and compassion you must make an awesome caregiver.

However, you are in the wrong place, This is NOT a site where we shame each other. You probably have a lot of experience and could offer insights here. But if you stick around, please play nice.

have we as americans totally got lost along the way? both my parents got their final wishes to be at home to die , we had to alter our life styles but didnt think twice. they did it when we were born now we do it for them,
i'm going to get my friends mom home so she can be at peace and i'll change everything to do so. SHAME ON ANYONE WHO WOULD DO ANY DIFFERENT ESPECIALLY THEIR OWN CHILDREN.

I am going thru this right now. I am POA for an elderly lady who has been deemed unable to live along by Adult Protective Services, and has been deemed a nuisance by the local law enforcement offices for excessive phone calls, at least 10 per week for various reasons. Rats sleeping with her, snakes loose in her house, neighbors blowing holes in her walls, government agents sleeping with her and threatening to take her home away and daily breakins and threats to her life. She has been told that the only way she can go home is with a 24 hour caregiver, but she cannot afford it, and also refuses to allow anyone to live with her. I am trying to get her into a great assisted living facility, but she has now determined that everything that has happened is my fault and never wants to see me again. The rest of her friends and family no longer wish to associate with her, so that is not an option. I have been a friend to this lady for over 2 years, driving her to appointments, doing her marketing and paying for her groceries, making sure she wanted or needed nothing. She has been in a nursing home under the direction of her doctor, but now must be moved. She was told that she could sign herself out and go home anytime she wishes, but the county says otherwise. What do I do now, and how do I do this quickly and efficiently.

My 81 year old mother lives in a condo with tile, stairs to her bedroom and has trouble walking (very off balance). She has dialysis three times a week and currently in rehab where she is thriving compared to when I attempted to take care of her. Her control when at home is to refuse to go to dialysis since I am the one taking her which resulted in her last hospital visit. I have a family with two teenagers and my mother refuses to live with us because she dislikes my husband. Previously, I would stay with her at her condo during the week and bring her to my house for the weekend. She refuses to give POA to me for she thinks my husband will take her money. She meets Medicaid income requirements but has an excess of 8,000.00 in her bank account. She is due to be released from the rehab facility and is competent enough to make her own decision to return home which is not safe for her. I don't know what to do and she refuses to give up the little assets she has to qualify for Medicaid to move forward into an assisted living or nursing home. I feel like I am going in circles from the guilt and torn between taking care of her and my family. She refuses to spend money on an elder attorney for advice with her assets and my hands are tied. In addition, she would not agree to pay for a sitter to relieve me when I am taking care of her. My health is failing from the stress of this and I don't know what to do.

But my mom doesn't make any decisions...all she does is do what she is told..when you make her food, she eats it...when she asked to go to the bathroom, you help her go, when it's time for meds, she takes what you give her...she doesn't remember from one second to the other...her memory is in the here and now sometimes, but her memory is back 50 years ago.

Be careful about forcing an elderly person to do something against their wishes. Coercion on an elderly can be deemed as a form of Elder Abuse especially if they have not been declared incompetent. My mother should have in home care or be in assisted living due to her declining physical health. She chooses not to so my hands are tied at the moment.

My mom is 90 and her husband also 90 cannot take care of her..she has dementia, but does remember her husband and that she in fact has a home. I had to put her in an ALF last week...the place is amazing only 6 residents of which are all younger than her the care is great...but when I go visit...she continues to fight that she wants to go home. Should I just not visit her everyday for now until she gets adjusted with the idea? I cry everyday and it's all I think about...I feel like if I've abandoned her....any thoughts?

I completely understand and have this exact problem. My mother had strokes 10 years ago and has been living with me and my husband. I had a brother that used to help but no longer. This situation has taken a serious toll on me ad my husband, but the situation is growing worse in that she has become more paranoid and her mood swings are getting worse each day. She can be mean and abusive but I've read and been told don't argue, so I take it. My family (brother/sister) situation is horrible and they do not want to participate but only tell me I have to get this done. I am the youngest and my whole family has backed out of her care completely and also cleaning out her house. One sister uses her house as storage. One brother hasn't talked to her since her diagnosis. I am so frustrated beyond belief because I do not know how I am going to get her into assisted living, clean and sell the house. I've been saying I'm going to do it for a long time but I MUST get it done and there really doesn't seem to be a whole lot of advocates out there, just a lot of people making it sound easier than it really is.

Since I first posted my question, we have had Mom in assisted living now for 3 months. At least 6 months before, it was always the same "I don't want to go". But, I pressed on and talked about it with her all the time, telling her how safe she would be, have regular meals, take her medicine, be around people all the time (she never liked being alone) etc., etc. All positive things. I took her to see it and that was not a really positive visit...she got very upset. Still I pressed on. I found that having her very close friend (not family) also talk to her about it frequently helped. The day came when her room was available and her dear friend and I took her to lunch and told her. There were tears, but, she finally agreed. When the day came, I had 3 of her best friends go along. We packed up her clothes at the house, asked her what else she wanted to take along like her favorite chair, etc. The move went very well. We visited frequently at first, but have started going less so that she participates. She now tells us she knows she needs to be there, she participates in activities, and even helps set the tables for meals and she really likes it. Good Luck. Eventually the guilt gets less and things fall into place.

thank you Lake Forest ..good advice

I have a similar problem my 96 year old father is blind and in a wheelchair cannot walk due to numbness in his legs all the way up to his waist. He lives with my Mother who is also in a wheel chair but in PT and can walk short distances. My Mother is not as bad as my father, there are days when she goes shopping with her caregiver to the mall and even gets a manicure ! My problem however is that I live in NY and they Live IN NJ . the drive there can take me anywhere from two hours to five hours one way with traffic. and I have been traveling back and forth taking care of them for the last four years. Yes they have caregivers NOW, but I still have to pay their medical bills, income taxes,utility bills , heat, electric etc etc.. they used to be able to take care of these expenses on their own but they have exhausted almost all of their money ( two more months left to be able to continue paying for home care) . They live in my house and I have to pay for house insurance, house taxes, gardener, and all house repairs.. I have been doing that all along but just dont have the money myself anymore. I am also not in good health and have had two strokes and have just been diagnosed with a small brain tumor on the right side of my brain, My doctors tell me that I cant keep doing this because the stress is killing me . I am married and have a daughter who have up until recently been quite supportive but now keep telling me that I have to put my parents in an AL facility and sell the house that they are living in to be able to pay our own bills. My father REFUSES to leave.. He keeps telling me that if I take him out of there I will kill him and he will fight anyone who tries to remove him. My mother is more understanding and considerate of Me and said she will do whatever is good for my health .. I carry such guilt abt evn thinking about MAKING my father go to an AL facility.. Although he is 96 he is of sound mind ( believe it or not, years of vitamins and good nutrition has paid off for him . He has moments of Short term memory loss, but doesnt everyone?). I am their power of Attorney ... I just , like I said dont know how to handle this situation, I stay up every night ( haven't slept in days) the stress is killing me because I am running out of time before they have absolutely NO money. And I haven't even mentioned the "Over 27 thousand dollars that they owe in bills from a previous line of credit that they took out on a house that they used to own .. I am thinking that what I really need right now is someone else to manage their monetary affairs so that THEY can tell my parents in a way that they WILL REALLY REALIZE how serous their situation is. Someone that is not me and some one who they will hopefully take more seriously. But I just don't know where to find that person. This is killing my marriage and my relationship with my daughter slowly and My doctor, just this morning told me that if I keep this up I am setting my self up for another major stroke. If that happens I wont be able to take care of anyone that I love. I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS !!!!! Any ideas or Help would be greatly appreciated. THANK YOU !!!! AND I WISH YOU ALL THE VERY BEST OF LUCK WITH ALL OF YOUR SITUATIONS !! I WILL PRAY FOR YOU ALL !!

if your mother does not want to go to assisstent living, please don't force her , why not let her stay in her home or apt and find someone to take care of her, My aunt had her own apt and her children put her in a nursing care place and she was very depressed to leave her apt, and leave all her long time items she always had, the children should have let her stay in her home and find someone to care for her, I pray to God that my children will not remove me from my coop and find someone to take care of me at home ,I think it's so sad to have to be put away, I think I would rather die. It is so sad

ignacia1, not everyone who reaches a certain age should give up driving. Not everyone who has an accident should give up driving. The challenge is that not everyone who should give up driving recognizes the indications that they are beginning to fail in certain ways that make driving risky. An outsider may be a better judge of that.

There are rehab centers that will test people who for one reason or another may be impaired. My husband took such tests after a head injury. He seemed to recover well, but was he safe to drive? The rehab center had him drive their special car (equipped with brakes on the passenger side!) and also tested reaction time and judgement. They concluded that he could drive safely. He didn't need any adoptive equipment on the car. And they gave a list of suggestions for safer driving. Whew! he went on driving. Ten years later he developed dementia. He was devastated to lose his license. He begged the doctor to write to dmv on his behalf. She agreed that she would if he passed the tests at the rehab center. He kept talking about "when I take the tests" but it was clear to both of us that he would not pass the tests and he never did take them.

I wonder if you could offer to take such tests at a rehab center? Perhaps your children would pay for it for you. Then everyone could relax.

@ignacia talk to your doctor and see what they say. Your adult children are only trying to protect you and the other motorists. My father can no longer drive but no one has told him that. I am happy his decision was not to drive. If he should happen to get his keys and attempt it then I would have to intervene for he is too frail to be driving and his reaction time is too slow. The roads are loaded with vehicles these days and you want to make the best decision for yourself as well. If you feel competent to drive but others say no it is only because they love you and care about your safety out on the road. I know this is a hard thing to give up but sometimes we must make decisions for the safety of self and others on the road. I know when the day comes I can no longer drive I will hand over my keys willingly to avoid any type of accident. It sounds like your 3 adult children are concerned for your safety. I hope I helped in some small way.

I have 3 adult children all married I live by myself very happy and I have always been independant, I drive to do my errands and pick up groceries etc, the other day I had a slight accident and now my daughters want me to stop driving after over 50 yrs of driving without problems, what should I do, I am devistated and have a sound mind, please tell me what to do?

This is a very hard thing to do, but taking your mom to see the assistive living places may help her, they are very nice little apartments where she will have her own room and her own things there. Good luck with your mom and I'm sending hugs your way, it's very hard on you I know. Things will work out for the best.

How exactly when the day comes do you take your loved one who does not want to go to the assisted living? Do we take along family, friends? I have everything in order and we are just waiting for a call that she has a room.

My mother has dementia, she was diagnosed back in 2010 when she was hospitalized by her physician for a complete assessment. Since then, her dementia has progressed to the point where she is constantly repeating herself over and over again. She talks more so about her past and how her mother hated her. I also have a sister who took her in for a few days and abused her. She stole her money, abused her verbally and after she got what she wanted, dropped her off back at her apartment till next month. All this time I thought my sisiter was doint the right thing sadly said, she was robbing her blind. I happen to live an hour away from my mom ( so I am long distance), yet after learning of this ordeal, I went and picked up my mom and took her up to live with me. I left my fiance's house because it was too small for us all and found a very nice rental for her and I. To no avail. She was with me for 2 weeks when all of a sudden she refused to stay with me any longer and was adamant about going back to New York. Dementia or not, I beleive that if you try to hold anyone in a place that they are not familiar with or happy with, you are doing it against their will. These individuals have their good moments when they remember some things as they do bad moments when they can't recall a thing. I don't know what else I can do for her to make sure she lives a decent life so she may enjoy the rest of her years in peace.

I have a neighbor who is in his 70's. He fell about 2 years ago and landed on his head. He was hospitalized and put into a rehab facility for about a month and "kicked out" for being violent and eventually setting off the fire alarm. Since then, he's fallen probably 4 or 5 more times, had stitches in his head again and has steadily gotten worse. Forgetting things, delusional (saying he's got to call his dad to take him to appts - his dad has been dead for about 5 years). He is releasing financial information to anyone who asks, isn't taking his meds as needed, drinking (alcohol) when he does take his meds, driving and forgetting where he's going, calling his neighbors at odd hours day & night for things that don't make sense, etc. He currently lives alone, has a pool that we are worried he's going to fall in one day. He's not taking care of himself at all & is dirty, his house is infested with fleas, his dog is being neglected, etc. All of his neighbors gathered as a group last night and discussed what we can do to help him as he has alienated his only living family member and we were told that he (his uncle) wants nothing more to do with him. He had POA but it's been revoked as "Don" accused him of stealing from him. He has no one else to look after him and is running out of money as he has no ability to balance his finances. Currently, we do have one neighbor who he seems to trust to balance his finances but it's a matter of time before that goes south as well. That neighbor is a CNA and she's said he needs assisted living or a full time nurse to live with him but he can't afford the latter. Is there any way we could, as a group, have him Baker Acted and/or forced into assisted living? It's for his own good. We all agree. There is about 10 of us looking after him but we all have very busy schedules and it's getting harder and harder to coordinate to make sure someone is around at all hours of the day "in case". His driving concerns me the most as he's not aware of his surroundings a majority of the time and quite frankly, I'm more concerned about who he may hurt (or worse) if he has one of his "spells" while driving and I absolutely believe he is a danger to himself and others .... especially on the road. I am currently working on having the DMV consider him for re-testing and will submit the paperwork this afternoon. Does anyone have any suggestions? He is faking his doctors out very well and he is being released from the hospital again today, so we have to start acting fast. Any advice is MORE than appreciated.

Dickie, what a sad, difficult story. Perhaps you cannot make her leave her home, unless she is declared legally incompetent to make her own decisions.

But you can decide what you are able/willing to do for her. For example, your husband is not moving in with her. "Sorry, Mom, we love you very much, but we do not want to perpetuate a situation the doctors know is bad for you. We also love each other very much, and it is our desire and decision to remain together in our own home."

It is very painful to watch someone you love indulge in self-destructive behaviors! Her doctors should be carefully monitoring the pain meds she is prescribed. Perhaps getting that problem under control would help her be more willing to take care of herself.

Good luck to you.

My husbands mom has been every sick for the last year, she was in and out of the hospital for most of last year. We have a home nurse and someone that assist with bathing. Now she has poor circuitulation in here feet and they are talking about taken one of her legs. She has become hooked on the pain pills and she does not want to do anything at all. She is not taking care of her self at all, we have talked to the doctors and they feel she need to be moved to assisted living, because she just does not want to do for her self and they all said she should be able to. She thinks my husband should move in with her and drop everything and do for her. We know she has been throught a lot and so have we, we ask the home nurse about putting her in an assisted living, which she said she will not go, the nurse said we can't make her go. She is not taking care of her self so what do we do? Thank you

6542r11abby, tying her up and taking her by force seems pretty drastic, doesn't it? And yet some variation on that theme may be necessary.

First, are there any other people whose opinion she trusts who could speak to her. You and her doctor have told her. What about a religious leader? Her lawyer? A brother or sister? A close friend? Is there anyone you can think of who could reinforce the medical advice?

Also, how about an objective outsider? Perhaps the doctor can refer her to a medical social worker. Or you can call her county's Social Services, explain the situation, and ask for an evaluation. Hearing it from an "outsider" might be more acceptable. (Or might not ... sigh.)

Perhaps the focus should now be on, "would you prefer to live with me, or in a long-term-care facility?" Offer to take her to visit what is available. (Probably a memory care unit.) Show her your plans for exapnding your home for her. Give notice on her apartment or put her house for sale (or put it for rent). Move forward with what has to be done, but emphasize that Mom still has a choice of where she moves to.

I do not enby you your task. You have to act in your mother's best interest, but that is very, very hard when she is resisting you.

I hope others have some practical suggestions.

Good luck, and please keep us informed of how this is unfolding for you. We learn from each other.

I have been going through the same situation with my grandmother and it is so hard. I agree with the above post that the assisted living homes are different from nursing homes, I am just trying to follow my heart and do what is right. I have been doing alot of research on the forums and even found a new mini book on amazon for kindle called Warehousing the Elderly Grandma Gertie, it really opened my eyes to what I need to look for because I had no idea what I could be putting her through. I hope it all works out for you, stay strong and take care.

The important thing here she is unable to talk and can not even call for help if she even remembers how to use a phone it is not safe for her to live alone that is the bottom line and since her doc says she can not live alone-it is no longer her decision-someone needs to protect her if not her family the courts many have to do it-all it takes is someone probably a neighbor or the mailman to call APS and the family will have no say and she will be handled by strangers instead of her family-a home care nurse falsely reported me to APS -is was never carried through but was upsetting to say the least.

my mother is in mid stage dementia. Her Doctor told her and me that she can no longer live alone. She does not know what day of the week it is, she does not know the month or year. She does not know how old she is or how old I am. She cannot take her meds correctly, she cannot follow directions. She often forgets to shower, and she sometimes wears dirty clothes or wears them inside out. She does not wander outdoors. She only eats cereal, or ice cream. She will not or cannot prepare food. She sometimes eats what I take her and sometimes not. I take her meds to her everyday, because if I let two or three doses there even clearly marked, in a separate baggie, she takes them all at once. She's really giving me a hard time about staying there. I am ready to move her in with me and care for her here, in fact I am adding 720 sq. ft. to my home for her. She is still fighting me. I have durable power of attorney for her, and have all control of the finances as she is not capable of making any decisions. What do I do just tie her up and carry her here? I'm running out of time and she is so stubborn and bull headed, I know she's not going to come willingly, yet everyone says she needs too, the Dr. even recorded his assesment of her condition and his recomendatio and orders she cannot be alone. He said with your daughter or a nursing home. What do I do.

What are the rules for the state of Florida regarding placing a member of the family in an assisted living facility?

Again, the POA is not irrevokable. If Mother wants you to take care of her, she can say so. Do you talk to her by phone?

So she loses her deposit money if she doesn't go into the care facility. Is that a big deal in the scheme of things? Two siblings out of eight should not be able to force a decision against your mother's will. Again, the critical question is, is she competent?

Letting the sisters ask her what she wants with no one else present for the conversation is setting the fox to guard the henhouse.

Thank you for your reply! The sisters will not have another family meeting, they have found a way to get out of the POA. My other siblings are just as upset as I am. She has money to pay for the assisted living and her affairs, I don't want a dime of it...I have my own money and I have told the others that. They know my money situation, my husband does very well,he is in the National Syndication Radio business. My worst fear has come true, the 28th of this month they are putting her in the home because they already put a deposit down on it. And get this, they are allowing her to decide on her birthday which is this Monday the 23rd
where they are going to ask her again what she wants to do? (I can't believe they are doing this on her 87th birthday!) They are banking she won't remember my conversation with her about come living with me. Its just hopeless, I know she will die in the home. She is not a social person, she's never belong to clubs, school PTA , but she has been the best Mother to me.
I have nursing home experience, I want to wipe her, bath her, feed her...and especially be there for her last hours when the time comes. She always felt horrible when the hospital could not get a hold of her when my Dad died, she was
not there when he took his last breath and was alone. She has never forgiven herself for that.
Norajune