How do we know if it's best for my father-in-law to live with us or stay in a nursing home?

The fact that you are conflicted makes me think you have serious reservations and from what I have read the last two years very few are glad they took the elder into their home 10 hrs. while you work leaves a lot of hours with just the family and you need to sleep at night and have other obligations and a life -answer the questions above if any are no then do not bring him home it is very hard to undo it and if he stays in the nursing home you can always bring him home for a few hrs. or overnight or take him on an outing from time to time and will still be a big part of his life-caregiving all the time is usually too much for anyone and you need to put your family first.

You say that you have a nurse come into your home for 10 hours a day while you and your husband are at work......and after work, does your father feed himself, bathe himself, go to the potty by himself and move around by himself? If theanswer is yes to three out of four, then I would say that he could live with you at home. The big question here is , to be blunt, do you WANT him to live with you? Keep in mind that the life span of an elderly person is limited. He'll be gone someday and will you have regrets if you put him in a nursing home? I certainly would have regrets.

My father-in-law past away in February in a nursing home. Family issues continue to exist as well to the point we have an attorney. People can be very greedy, ugly, hateful when one passes away. I have told my Mom that she needs to make her will 'ironclad' after all my husband and I have gone through!

Janshoe, I really feel for you....It sounds like you are between the proverbial rock and a hard place. What you do is none of my business, but since you've come here to talk and maybe to hear ideas.....I want to tell you that I think that your husband's feelings deserve your consideration, by an edge, over your father's. There may be others here who disagree.....just offering my view, and maybe others will chime in with their perspectives. I just have a feeling that if your husband is upset now about the prospect of your father moving in with you, that those negative emotions of his would only get worse should your father move in. I can't imagine the tension that would be created in your household should that happen. It sounds like your finances permit your father being cared for in the nursing home. I think if I were you, I would have my father remain in the nursing home, and then visit him as often as I possibly could. If your father cried the whole time you were there this week, that would be so hard to see and take, I know. Could it be part of his Parkinson's disease that is causing this? If your schedule allows, you could visit your father a bit more than you have been, and perhaps bring him items of interest to share and talk about. Take him on walks ( wheelchair rides) around his complex where he lives. Maybe doing these things would help to boost his spirits. I think I would try to make the best of your current situation, with your father in the nursing home, and make that situation work out best for your father, you, and your husband.

Karen, I empathize with your son's feelings very well. From age 3-12, I lived with my single-parent mom who lived with her widowed mother who was looking after my 'old made' great aunt who was already senile. I was so glad to leave that house when my mother married again and I got some siblings. Add to this whole equation my mother emotionally spousifying me as her only child whom she adamantly did not want to be like his dad at all along with trying to make sure I never saw him again.

I could not even begin to imagine what my life would be like now and would have been like since 2004, if we had been trying to take care of my mother at home with my wife and I both on disability with bi-polar disorder, etc. and two very busy teenage boys who love to get away from house just to escape our own family drama from time to time!

janshoe,

Karen has given you very good advice!
I would add that this is probably a very good time to seek out an objective third party like a therapist to discuss your marriage. Unless there are some healthy talked through boundaries for a marriage couple and for a family with children at home, taking an elderly person with serious medical needs into one's home will have a negative impact upon the marriage (unless the person is a martyr doormat) and upon the children.

I'm not saying this is true in your situation, but it could be and so often I've read stories here where it has been the case. A spouse, usually the wife, will speak of how isolated they feel. I've asked them, do you think you are the only one in the house who feels alone? Then I go on to ask them if it is possible that their spouse, usually the husband, feels lonely as well but may not be saying it with words or directly pinpointing it with words? I also ask if it just might be possible that their husabnd does not feel as married to them like they once did which often gets summed up as 'you seem more emotionally married to your parent than to me.' Sometimes we adult children emotionally switch gears back to being our parent's child without even realzing it, paricularly if we never really left home when we got married. I encourage all of us that we remember that while we are our parent's adult offspring, we are no longer their little kid. Our elderly often infirmed parents, our spouses, our children (if we have any), and our ownselves as well are not helped at all by an adult child functioning emotionally as if they were still their parent's little girl or boy.

Your dad probably is receiving a level of medical care with his problems that most likely is not realistically possible for you to do in your home. What does his doctor say about your dad's condition and where he is living? There must have been sound medical reasons for putting him there or else he would not be there. How long has your dad been in the nursing home?

You would have to have to most wonderful spouse in the world for it not to hurt your relationship. No matter how hard you or your family try it is not there fault for the way they feel or how having to deal with caring for a elder effects them or you. My son and I have been caring for my mom for years and he hates it . He wants me to put her in a home. But he is 20 now and comes and goes all he wants so it is better. But your spouse can't really do that. You will have to decide what is right for you , and your family and your elder. It is hard but just talk it out with everyone and pray. If you have young ones and your father- in- law needs lots of care take in account all the time that will be taken away from the kids. They are only young once.

my father has parkinson's disease and is in a nursing home..He hates it there and would love to live with me BUT..my husband absolutely says NO...This has caused problems between me and my husband and i feel very resentful.....what to do?? I have been getting very depressed over all of this..tonight My dad cried the whole time I was visiting him...

From what I've gleaned in reading numerous stories on this website is, keep them at home if:
1. they still have their marbles
2. are pleasant to be around (not demanding)
3. can agree to boundaries, and stay out of son/daughters personal business.
4. don't mind being left alone because they can entertain themselves.
5. don't mind the idea of a stranger looking after them when necessary.
Anyway, that's the short list I came up with.

It is very sad, to watch your parents decline, feeling helpless " to
fix it" and seeing the pain their issues cause them.
We put Dad in a nursing home to save our Mom. We had to choose
between Mom or Dad. His behavoir from his dementia was really
causing Mom to go down hill fast.( she has had 3 heart attacks
several yrs ago).
I am so glad you are making headway in getting and recieving info
so as to make a decision for your inlaws.
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad, though. With the new medicines they have now maybe it will be a very slow progression. And you will have many wonderful moments with
him. For my sister and I we hang on to those moments of clarity
that we see in Dad. they are wonderful!
Judy-jbtrfly

You and especially your husband should follow your heart and pray to God to help you find the right answer. My mother is living with me and my family and thank God that I have an understanding husband who also loves my mom very much. As for myself, I know that I would worry more if I were leaving her somewhere else everyday than I do with her at home with me. We also work and have sitters daily who are wonderful and take very good care of her. If you have a registered nurse to care for him while you work, you are blessed. There are no right or wrong answers. You and your husband just have to decide what is best for his dad and what is easier for you to live with. It's just all so very sad.

Dear Shelley123
Reading your latest update brought tears to my eyes and I pray that God will bless both of you and your family with the strength you would need for what's ahead.
You are right, when it rains, it usually pours, but take heart that the Sun will shine through.
God bless
Annie
(Singapore)

Update regarding my in-laws. My husband has called an assisted living facility that has a nursing home facility too 5 miles from our house. Not sure if my in-laws can afford it, but we'll soon learn. We both feel it is best that they not live with us due to stress and feel they need quality care in a facility that can meet their unique needs. My husband and I want my his parents to be together as my sister-in-law wants nothing to do with her dad. This hurts! She also dropped a bomb on us and wants us to take mom-in-law for a week! As stated, we both work and are teachers so we work long hours. Our daughters will help and a friend will help also. Our own family pulls together when the time arises- thank God!

My own Father was just diagnosed with Alzheimers so when it rains, it pours!

My husband talked to several people today thanks to us having a snow day. He spoke with the nursing home social worker, doctor who may do surgery on father-in-law this week, dropped off papers to his dad's primary care doctor, and heard all of your responses. Yes, my husband is both POA and Medical POA which entails responsibilities. Thank you so much for all your responses. I am so touched and eternally grateful. Some of your responses brought tears to my eyes! I love my in-laws so much and treasure the time with them. It is so hard to see their diseases progress. Thank you again!

Dear Shelley123,
When it comes to caring for an invalid family member, it is always a very sensitive and stressful process, as the sick person usually does not know or understand the entire situation and being the person, who understands the whole situation, can put you in a spot.
Perhaps, just hold him in your arms and let him feel your love for him and whisper in his ear that you love him very much and this is what you have to do for him.
Even if he does not understand when you talk with him, actions, sometimes, speak louder than words.
I wish you all the best and God bless.

Why don't you ask him?

Shelly....It sounds like you and your husband are in a difficult place right now...If this were me, I would have the situation evaluated by a health care ombosdin who are familiar with both Parkinson's and Alzheimer's---to get some input on the best route to go. The medical issues, I would asume can be handled by the nursing staft at a facility of your choice-for which you in-laws may be best off, and possibly lend itself for little peace of mind to you and your husband....On the other hand, home care is great, however you may need round the clock help..It is difficult, for myself, to reply without fully knowing your in-laws medical needs---however I am just conveying my thoughts to you, I would tend to lean more towards a facility--for everyone's best concern. In addition to this, I would try to get as much support for you and your husband. Caregiving, as you may already know, can be emotionally draining-and inpact the health of you both, which I believe has previously mentioned.

Stay strong, and get some medical advice, and then make that important decision...and move on from there.

Good luck!

Hap

Yes, people with any sort of dementia can be difficult to handle, at times. ...but we had my m-i-l in an assisted living facility--the nurses ended up calling my s-i-l, who is DPOA for my m-i-l, every week (1-4 times). My m-i-l cried and cried and said time and time again, she wasn't happy there. My son and I told my husband (her son). He discussed it with his sister, DPOA. I gave the okay to my husband for her to come live here and I could take care of her as long as I had all his sisters' help too. They agreed. Now, I don't see but 2 sisters and my husband and me helping to take care of her (m-i-l). Most of the time, lately, I wish I had just left her in the A-LF. ...but then, sometimes, I am glad we decided to get her out of there. She hasn't been in the hospital since Dec., 2008. Good for her, but she is suffering. She's somewhere between Stage 6 and Stage 7 of the Alzheimer's. Stage 7 is the last stage.

Shelly
There is an old adage that "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than for permission" I think this applies to your situation. Since you both work and must incur the expense of having an RN stay with him most of the day, the only difference would be that in the Nursing Home he would have 24/7 coverage. If he had a seizure or emergency during the night you would still have to rush him to the hospital so his passing might not be a lot less serene than if it occurred at the Nursing Home. The only way "bringing him home to die" would make sense is if he were receiving palliative care in a Hospice Program. So do not beat yourselves up over this. Your husband feels that he is between a rock and a brick wall because he has built that wall for himself. He is the only one who can knock it down. Help him realize that sometimes doing the right thing often feels crappy at the time but doing the wrong thing can come back to haunt us for many years later.

Since he has Parkinsons he knows whats going on I am sure Which makes it harder for you to put him in a home. My mom as Alzheimers so she would not care either way . But her nurse told me that if I had put her in a home she would not be here now. There is no way a person in a home can get the love they need . But in many causes family caretakers can not provide the health needs of there love one. You need to have a talk with your husband and your dad. Do what is best for you and your husband and hopefully you will figure out what is best for your dad. Ask his doc. and his nurse . They will give you the facts. Good luck.

If he is in a nursing home I would leave him there. People with dementia can be very difficult to handle. If you were to have him at home with you, and if you work, then you would have to incur the expense of a sitter. Sometimes what seems like a good idea turns into disaster. I know. I've been down that road more than once.

All of the above is great advice. So, I am going to ask my typical questions of do you or your husband have both medical POA and durable POA for your father in law?

Shelly, I would say to sit down with your husband and take a good look at yourselves and your physical and emotional resources. You can only do so much. You need to keep yourselves sane and healthy so that you can properly care for your father-in-law. This has been the lesson I have learned over the past several years looking out for and caring for my elderly parents. What they want for themselves is not always the best solution for the adult child caring for them. I have had to be able to tolerate being the "villain" a few times, when I did what I truly thought was best for Mom and Dad. (I am an only child.) In the cases of these difficult decisions, in my heart I knew I was doing the right thing and my conscience is clear before God (who is my only real judge). If you could find a very nice, comfortable, clean nursing home, then you could "care from afar" for your father-in-law, and still give yourselves the space you need. On the other hand, if your father-in-law has a personality type and physical needs which would not place an undue burden on you and your husband, you could have him live with you. My father has dementia and can become combative, so that became the factor which necessitated that he not with my husband and me.
Good luck to you!

I'm having the same issue with my Dad, problem is he has dementia.
1. can you communicate with your father-in-law? does he understand your conversation?
2. Very few people pass away at home, usually in a hospital.If he is afraid he might be alone at his passing,gather the nurses that are
in charge of his care, with him and make sure every one knows they are to call you/husband at any sign your father-in-law is
declining. Do it in front of him to reassure him he will not be alone.
3.You and your husband need to talk about the impact it will have
on both of you. Coming home after work, tired and taking care of your father-in-law.
We brought our Dad home from the nursing home, it lasted 3 weeks, putting him back in the nursing home was devastating to
him and us. It has been very hard on usand our Mom.
Of course, dad has dementia and does not understand anything.
And does not remember 5 minutes anything you tell him.

I hope i have helped and have not added more burden. It is very
hard knowing the right thing to do. I would first try to reassure him that you will be with him at the end no matter where he is.
And most likely in a hospital and not at home. You & your husband are not doctors/nurses and can not give him the care he needs at that time, to make him comfortable.