How can I get my 83-year-old mother to accept respite care so my husband and I can go out by ourselves sometimes?

When my husband was at that stage, I told him the help was for me. That I needed help with the house or with cooking, etc. then gradually, while the caretaker was there, I would go "run an errand" or "run to the grocery store. Eventually I upped my excursions to 4 or 6 hours at a time. Now I'm up to overnights occasionally but I take him to a respite center.

DJ - I feel your pain and guilt! There is no escaping the guilt but you've got to try. With time it will ease and you will feel better. After you move your mom be prepared to feel guilty each time you get up to leave after a visit. The hardest part is walking away after you say good by. I feel terrible that I can't take care of my mom in my own home or hers but it's just not possible. I pray and meditate about it regularily and that helps a lot. My brothers and husband and I are also good about telling each other that it's best for Mom and us that she's in nursing home. Some people judge us and call us selfish but they are people who have yet to be in this situation. Here are a bunch of reasons why it's best for Mom to be in assisted living and recently a nursing home. Feel free to apply these to your situation:
1. I and my brothers are not young people, we all have health problems (back, knees, COPD, diabetes) that are exasterbated by caring for mom. We can't pick her up off the floor if she falls, we can't pick her up from a wheelchair to move her to/from a car.
2. Bathing is a HUGE risk for the same reasons outlined above. If we can't bath her regularily there is increased risk to her of urinary tract infections and other ailments. We can't easily remodel our home bathrooms for handicapped access to accommodate the lift now necessary to help her. We did use all kinds of contraptions (sliding shower chairs, roll-in shower stall) for years but she's beyond those now.
3. She often refused to take medicines when one of us gave them to her. There is the child-parent dynamic and we just can't be as "tough" (if that's the best word) to make them take meds, therapy and do all of the "right stuff" that they should do.
4. Need to maintain our own savings - we must all work full time and can't be at home 24-7. We can't afford time off without pay - helping her now means we won't have money for our own old age. We did pay aides to come in for a few hours but Mom's physical condition deteriorated to the point that we could not find someone willing to meet her needs. As I said above the risk to her and to the caregiver was too great.
5. Finally - think about your Mom at age 50 or 60 - what would she tell you about caring for her at this stage in her life? Would she understand or insist that you make the sacrifices? My mom told me over and over NOT to do it but remain loving and help as much as possible.
i don't want to toot my own horn but I've been blogging about this - it's strictly non-commercial and to help others like you to see what we've done for and what I and my family go through. It's at help-4-mom.blogspot.com - i hope you find something helpful there too.
Good luck. You are a good daughter and I'm sure your mom is proud of you whether she recognizes it or not.

Thank you, LynnPO for your good advice. Mother is seeing a Neurologist on a regular basis for her seizures and medications. This last medication, Depakote, seems to have cut down on the number of seizures. Her seizures are like fainting spells where she will faint and be out for about 3-5 minutes and then she has memory loss for about 45 minutes. She has about 1-2 of those spells a day for about 2 days. She use to have 6-8 a day for 3-4 days. So, the medicine has helped some. But, you are so right...she has so many serious health problems and it is getting to be more than I can manage. Oh, and I didn't mention, her vision is about gone from her diabetes. I have to help her fill her insulin a lot because she can't see well. We moved her from our home of 43 years to care for my parents so they wouldn't have to go to a nursing home. My step-father had Alzheimer's and ended up in a nursing home and passed away not long afterward. Then, mother has been gradually going down. I have totally changed my thinking since we moved here. Mother is ready for a nursing home and I realize I'm not equipped to handle all her serious health problems. My husband and I are beginning to make plans for the change. It will be hard with lots of guilt, but it has to be done. Thank you again for you advice. If you have other things to tell me, please do.

All of the medical conditions you mention require regular monitoring - probably something that should be done at a nursing home. If you get someone to stay with her - they might not have the skills or knowledge to understand what's going on and help her. There's a risk to your Mom and a risk that the "sitter" is in over their heads. Two years is a long time to have a seriously ill parent in your home. Seizures that last two days??!!! My mom also has seizure disorder and they never last more than 20 minutes; her full RECOVER Y from a grand mal DOES take a couple of days. If she has these regularilly then she might not be taking her meds properly. Controlling blood sugar is also a HUGE issue and could be causing her irritability. Next time she has a seizure, call 911, put her in the hospital where she can be monitored then ask her physician to place her in a rehab/nursing facility for a while where she can be properly monitored and tested for glucose levels and levels of her seizure meds. Medicare will pay for 100 days of such care - that's 3 months!. Perhaps they can get her on a regular schedule of medicines and food so that she feels better and thus is able to do more for herself and be happier in general. You'd be surprised what a change it can make, it helped my Mom remain in her own home for more than 2 years! Good luck

Thanks to everyone for all your suggestions. Mother is so controlling over me...I don't know why I let her do this to me. It drives my husband crazy. I will step out on a limb and go ahead and set up a sitter. I have the names of two sitting services here. I just have never been brave enough to call. Our daughter gave us gift cards to The Outback the first week of November and we haven't been able to go. The Outback doesn't open up until 4:00 in the afternoon. Who wants to eat at 4:00? Mother has seizures about every three weeks and they last about 2 days. She is a brittle diabetic so her sugar is up and down so much and she feels dizzy all the time. It is really difficult most of the time. Plus, she is cranky and irritable so much. Thanks again for replying to me. I appreciate all of you.

Don't ask her. Get that sitter and get out for a while. Have her evaluated by hospice and if they pick her up , and it sounds like they will, they will give you a list of caregivers, they are not cheap, but it would be worth it if you have the money. If that doesn't work, go to your local nursing home and as the DON (director of nursing) if you can post a want ad somewhere and a CNA will pick up the job easy and they have had to go through the FBI to get licensed. They are safe to have in your home, may I say the safest you can get that is. You can not let your mother decide this for you, you just have to lay down the law and do it.

how many seizures has she had in the last 2 years. How often does her bloodsugar get low.

Not to sound heartless give her a choice of having someone else care for her once or twice a week or whatever or be placed in a nursing home she can not be allowed to always have the last word on everything and she needs to learn this right up front believe trying to please everyone will wear you down 60% of caregivers die before the ones they are taking care of when my lawyer told my son that it was an eye opener for sure.

not sur what repite care is but i am sure they are being paid and sometimes just do it. dont tell her just set it up- wait till she goes to the bathroom and leave- if you want to continue to dothis than you have to take care of yourself and you deserve time together- my husband and i have been married for 30 yrs, have gotten complacent and dont go anywhere- mom moved in 2 weeks ago - dementia and prone to falling- i told him to pull out the harley that has been sitting for 4 years- we will swap babysitting with my son who has 8 month old daughter- i dont want him to blame not going anywhere on her ( even though we didnt go anywhere before she moved in, poor guy we moved our son , wife and daugter out after a year on sat. and moved mom in on sundayd- he was looking forward to empty nest) so we are planning do more than ever so it doesnt become a burden- so far mom is kind to us- only prob. he likes to watch movies loud and we have surround sound and it scares the crap out of her when things blow up