If your dad is perusing porn sites, there is a good chance he has infected his computer with a virus, trojan horse or some other malware. How do I know? This is what I do for a living...and you would not believe what I find on some customer's computers. It would be smart to steer him towards a senior's dating site where he could hook up with somebody real and not trash the computer. It would also be smart to have his computer scanned for malware and cleaned if necessary. Not cheap, but if you expect the machine to work for a long time with no trouble, that stuff needs to be removed. In addition, that is how identity theft happens all too often. The senior dating sites would get him interested in someone he could actually relate to mentally instead of trying to score a booty call with somebody 1/3 his age. That is likely to result in disappointment for all involved if he persists in going down that path. I think there are software filters that can be installed on individual computers that would limit access to adult content. Net Nanny is one that comes to mind....I hope that helps.
To begin with, there is no such thing as safe sex, only "safer." With the advent of Viagra, Cialis, and other performance enhancement drugs men over 50 are "getting busy" more than ever.
Since the only thing you can do is reduce the risk, check out Harm Reduction Tips such as the correct use of male/female condoms, what dental dams are, and potential exposure to equal-opportunity diseases such as HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases/infections. Your local Department of Health should provide you with everything you need, including discrete, easy-to-carry Safer Sex Kits.
If he's preening and primping for a hot date, don't be afraid to ask him if he's carrying protection -- and show it to you. Sometimes the scent of a woman is enough to make a man drop his brain by the roadside, even the most careful ones.
"Sin gorrito no hay amor" (No glove, no love). Safer sex is responsible sex, and no matter the age there's no excuse for not protecting yourself and your partners.
Don't be afraid to talk WITH him about sex. After all, he's still breathing.
Fist of all, internet porn is NOT cheap. It will cost him big bucks if he's not careful. Second, the reason he's asking about young women is because, who do you think is doing the pornography on the internet? Some old lady? No way. It's giving him unrealistic expectations seeing that stuff. That's why I said it was/will make him miserable in the end. I would refocus his attention to a woman his own age, or close to, and encourage a meaningful relationship. He can still find a frisky woman his age I'm sure. If someone made a law tomorrow that forces all internet porn sites to be free, those sites would disappear in a heartbeat.
Michelle, This sounds like the kind of problem many of us caregivers would like to have ;-)) However, I don't agree with Nutz's statement that it is unlikely he's gonna hook up with young women. The issue here is connecting with young women who would try to hook up with him for purely financial reasons. (In the old days they were called goldbrickers, today they are the new normal) Some of these new normal women have accumulated fortunes by serially marrying older men of means and having them "change their will" to accommodate the new love in their life. A couple of years of the good life and the old man drops dead and then the family finds out that pop's entire estate now belongs to his 20-something spouse. When they attempt to take legal action, they discover that that 20-something gal had the equivalent of a Law degree and an airtight hold on the estate that it would cost the family more in legal fees to overturn the will than it would be worth. So along with the condoms you ought to supply a template for a pre-nuptial agreement that ensures any quid-pro-quo sexual activity does not involve a new beneficiary to the family fortune.
No need to apologize for length of your posts, Michelle. All that matters is that you know you have others who will support you to the best of our ability. All you need to do is give a shout out, and here others will be to let you know that you need not feel alone or embarrassed about a thing. Good luck to you and your Dad!
I would be very wary of online dating services or dating services advertised in the yellow pages. Those could present some very embarrassing situations for him which would embarrass you also. Do your research and find out what kind of reputation a dating service has. Maybe there are some local informal groups where you live that he could go to and maybe meet somebody.
For some reason society seems to have this idea that is just not the old person thing to do, but older people do have sex and sometimes run after other folks in the assisted living and nursing home places.
I also think he could really benefit from having an older man to talk about these things with.
I agree with Pamela6148 and find absolutely nothing wrong with a parent's reawakened desire to date and engage in sexual intimacy, regardless of the age. If possible, help your father connect directly with people in his community and, if that doesn't facilitate with meeting desireable women, then try on-line dating services. I agree with others who have advised that caution be taken since there are people on-line who are looking to pull off all sorts of scams and will say and do whatever it takes to connect with your father and take advantage of him. However he or you both proceed, I would suggest that you have a frank conversation about sexually-transmitted diseases which are dramatically increasing in the over-60 age groups, including HIV and AIDS. I'm sure you can get some reading material on-line from the National Institute of Health or other source which you can then print out and give to and discuss with your father. Once your father is aware of the new generation of con men and women found via on-line dating sites and the ever-increasing incidents of sexually-transmitted disease in his age group, I think you're ready to get out there and help him find a companion. Let your dad and the woman/women figure out the degree of intimacy in which they wish to engage, be it companionship, "just sex" or any combination thereof, and be there for him as a friend. You don't need to hear the details but being kept in the loop generally is a good idea since you can help him better and quicker if someone is taking advantage of him. Communication is key and, let me add that there is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about when it comes to desiring sexual intimacy, regardless of the age. Best wishes to you and your father!
Thank you so much for the advise.. This has been an akward situation for me lol! As far as his physical and mental state, he is pretty sharp.. I think what may have started this was when he had to go to the hospital last month for a gall bladder attack. He was in the hospital for a week with a really bad infection. It was the first time he had ever been that sick so I think it scared him a lot! He also has an enlarged prostate and a stone in his bladder the size of a walnut.. He has to go to the doctor next month for surgeries to remove his gall bladder and possibly the stone in his bladder (if they can't break it up with medicine) Also, my Dad is a widower ( my Mom died in 1992 of cancer at the age of 50) he has not went out on many dates since her death. Now that I have had some time to digest all of this, I think that he is going through a phase right now. The reason he decided to discuss this with me is because I am the only family he has ( I am an only child) He actually was scared to talk to me about it, but I think he was afraid to talk to anyone else about it as well ( I think he is a bit ashamed and/or confused about how he felt when he saw porn for the first time) My Dad is intelligent and logical so I believe that if I discuss the risks of hooking up with younger women, he will understand.. . I will defintely keep everyone posted on this because I may need more advice LOL!! Sorry for the long post :( Michelle
I agree with Dane. No hemming and hawing, just to the point. Watch "To Catch a Predator" marathons with him and share some of the Internet horror stories with him to be sure that he understands some of the modern risks associated with his rush to become involved with a much younger generation.
6) Do you think he is physically still healthy enough for sexual activities? Some seniors have medical issues or meds that can prevent them from having "good" and healthy sex lives.
1) Do you think that your dad is still mentally competent? I find it "interesting" that he would ask you - his daughter - about sexual matters. Most men of that generation feel more comfortable talking to other males about this....
2) Did he ever tell you "about the birds and the bees" when you were younger? If not, I would finds it a bit odd, that he would ask you about a sexual topic now, when he never spoke about such "things" before.
3) Do you think he is serious about the "18-25 year olds" or do you think that was just a kind of joke?
4) is he really only looking for "booty calls" or is he more looking for "a friend/companion with benefits?" If he is still mentally fit, I can't see a good reason why you should discourage the latter....
5) Do you think his internet porn consumption is mentally and/or financially unhealthy? Does he spend many hours and dollars on these sites?
Ahhhhh this thread kind of freaked me out and my initial reaction was to ask "where does your dad live"? :)
Sex keeps you young, loose, and did I say young. Whether your dad is watching porn sites, or dilly-dallying around on himself you should consider yourself lucky that he is still frisky. Seventyeight is not that old really and he still has plenty of sex time left.
I agree with whomever said to find an elder matchmaking site and maybe he'll meet someone and they'll engage together. That is if someone near his own age can change his mind about the youngans. Naheaton is right about the Golddiggers cause we don't want him to find a Anna-Nicole then you will have problems.
I can't believe your dad at 78 would even ask you where to find women. I think blocking porn sites is a good idea to start with. But now that he's got his mind a working you mind buy condoms hoping he'll bring up the subject again opening the door to talk to him. I had a client at 91 still got a hard on when taking a shower. The first time I realized that was going on kind of shocked me too. If it was my dad, I'd probably have a heart attack. Good Luck!
I agree with you Nutz... I guess it kinda freaked me out at first.. I really never discussed anything about sex with my Dad LOL!! I have no problem with him watching it on the internet.. I just wanted to get advice on how to deal with this hehe!
A person would hate to treat their grown father like a teenager, but this just goes to show that pornography is a bad idea all the way around, no matter what age. I know there is a way to block this kind of stuff thru servers, or filters or something like that. It used to be with 'dial up' you had to go through a server, and then you could choose a specific one that filters that sort of thing. But with DSL and cable, I'm not sure... either way I'd sure check into it. This is making your dad miserable, even though he probably doesn't think so. Unless he's 'loaded $$', no young woman is gonna look twice at an old man, and if she does then you've got a whole other set of problems. :)
I think it's great your dad is able to express himself this way. Just because he's older doesn't mean his desires have turned off. Is he specifically looking to have sex or is he looking for companionship? If he is checking out the web...maybe locate a dating service for older adults. A friend of mine who is recently widowed did that and as a result has met a great man, has become sexually active and is so happy. I really admire you for finding out how to support him and for being open about it. All the best!
Well, if it was my dad, I wouldn't worry too much, I have to assume that, given that he's surfing the web and talking about booty calls, thats he's pretty tight upstairs. I'ts unlikely that he's gonna hook up with young women. Maybe make some condoms "appear" just for Kicks and giggles maybe be a great conversation starter at least!! just a thought,~Nutz
I totally respect his decision to be sexually active.. Problem is, he is asking me where he can meet younger women ( 18 -25) to have a "booty call" with.. What happened is he recently discovered internet porn ..It has given him a "new awakening" about sex.. Basically you could compare it to a teenager who has discovered porn for the first time lol!! I guess he is sexually overwhelmed with what he is watching on the internet and is looking for a way to relieve his sexual tension.. I was a bit rattled about this so I was looking for advice as to how to deal with his new found " awakening" Maybe there is a forum he can go to to talk to other men for advice?? Thanks!
I would think at age 78 that a man would know all about safe sex no matter how long he has been inactive. Just ask him...Do u know about safe sex? Do you have any questions that you want me to answer for you. Sometimes the direct route is the best way. Good Luck. Dane
I hope I haven't offended anyone with my question.. I recently became aware that my Dad has become sexually active and I want to be sure that he knows the heath risks. It is a very awkward topic to discuss with him so if anyone knows where I can get help dealing with this subject , that would be great! Thanks! Michelle
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Ed you never cease to amaze me. Bravo!!
To begin with, there is no such thing as safe sex, only "safer." With the advent of Viagra, Cialis, and other performance enhancement drugs men over 50 are "getting busy" more than ever.
Since the only thing you can do is reduce the risk, check out Harm Reduction Tips such as the correct use of male/female condoms, what dental dams are, and potential exposure to equal-opportunity diseases such as HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases/infections. Your local Department of Health should provide you with everything you need, including discrete, easy-to-carry Safer Sex Kits.
If he's preening and primping for a hot date, don't be afraid to ask him if he's carrying protection -- and show it to you. Sometimes the scent of a woman is enough to make a man drop his brain by the roadside, even the most careful ones.
"Sin gorrito no hay amor" (No glove, no love). Safer sex is responsible sex, and no matter the age there's no excuse for not protecting yourself and your partners.
Don't be afraid to talk WITH him about sex. After all, he's still breathing.
-- ED
This sounds like the kind of problem many of us caregivers would like to have ;-)) However, I don't agree with Nutz's statement that it is unlikely he's gonna hook up with young women. The issue here is connecting with young women who would try to hook up with him for purely financial reasons. (In the old days they were called goldbrickers, today they are the new normal) Some of these new normal women have accumulated fortunes by serially marrying older men of means and having them "change their will" to accommodate the new love in their life. A couple of years of the good life and the old man drops dead and then the family finds out that pop's entire estate now belongs to his 20-something spouse. When they attempt to take legal action, they discover that that 20-something gal had the equivalent of a Law degree and an airtight hold on the estate that it would cost the family more in legal fees to overturn the will than it would be worth. So along with the condoms you ought to supply a template for a pre-nuptial agreement that ensures any quid-pro-quo sexual activity does not involve a new beneficiary to the family fortune.
For some reason society seems to have this idea that is just not the old person thing to do, but older people do have sex and sometimes run after other folks in the assisted living and nursing home places.
I also think he could really benefit from having an older man to talk about these things with.
I seriously doubt that you will be able to take away his internet.
As far as his physical and mental state, he is pretty sharp..
I think what may have started this was when he had to go to the hospital last month for a gall bladder attack. He was in the hospital for a week with a really bad infection. It was the first time he had ever been that sick so I think it scared him a lot! He also has an enlarged prostate and a stone in his bladder the size of a walnut..
He has to go to the doctor next month for surgeries to remove his gall bladder and possibly the stone in his bladder (if they can't break it up with medicine)
Also, my Dad is a widower ( my Mom died in 1992 of cancer at the age of 50) he has not went out on many dates since her death.
Now that I have had some time to digest all of this, I think that he is going through a phase right now.
The reason he decided to discuss this with me is because I am the only family he has ( I am an only child)
He actually was scared to talk to me about it, but I think he was afraid to talk to anyone else about it as well ( I think he is a bit ashamed and/or confused about how he felt when he saw porn for the first time)
My Dad is intelligent and logical so I believe that if I discuss the risks of hooking up with younger women, he will understand.. . I will defintely keep everyone posted on this because I may need more advice LOL!!
Sorry for the long post :(
Michelle
6) Do you think he is physically still healthy enough for sexual activities? Some seniors have medical issues or meds that can prevent them from having "good" and healthy sex lives.
1) Do you think that your dad is still mentally competent?
I find it "interesting" that he would ask you - his daughter - about sexual matters. Most men of that generation feel more comfortable talking to other males about this....
2) Did he ever tell you "about the birds and the bees" when you were younger? If not, I would finds it a bit odd, that he would ask you about a sexual topic now, when he never spoke about such "things" before.
3) Do you think he is serious about the "18-25 year olds" or do you think that was just a kind of joke?
4) is he really only looking for "booty calls" or is he more looking for "a friend/companion with benefits?" If he is still mentally fit, I can't see a good reason why you should discourage the latter....
5) Do you think his internet porn consumption is mentally and/or financially unhealthy? Does he spend many hours and dollars on these sites?
Sex keeps you young, loose, and did I say young. Whether your dad is watching porn sites, or dilly-dallying around on himself you should consider yourself lucky that he is still frisky. Seventyeight is not that old really and he still has plenty of sex time left.
I agree with whomever said to find an elder matchmaking site and maybe he'll meet someone and they'll engage together. That is if someone near his own age can change his mind about the youngans. Naheaton is right about the Golddiggers cause we don't want him to find a Anna-Nicole then you will have problems.
But I tip my hat off to the Ol' G' Playa.
I hope you don't get offended.
I had a client at 91 still got a hard on when taking a shower. The first time I realized that was going on kind of shocked me too. If it was my dad, I'd probably have a heart attack. Good Luck!
I have no problem with him watching it on the internet.. I just wanted to get advice on how to deal with this hehe!
I have to assume that, given that he's surfing the web and talking about booty calls, thats he's pretty tight upstairs.
I'ts unlikely that he's gonna hook up with young women. Maybe make some condoms "appear" just for Kicks and giggles maybe be a great conversation starter at least!! just a thought,~Nutz
What happened is he recently discovered internet porn ..It has given him a "new awakening" about sex.. Basically you could compare it to a teenager who has discovered porn for the first time lol!!
I guess he is sexually overwhelmed with what he is watching on the internet and is looking for a way to relieve his sexual tension..
I was a bit rattled about this so I was looking for advice as to how to deal with his new found " awakening" Maybe there is a forum he can go to to talk to other men for advice??
Thanks!
Thanks!
Michelle