You are right. And Dad is becoming less and less pleasant to be around, and I am sure when driving comes up he will get worse. I know he doesn't have a diagnosis if Dementia, but he is changing...his personality is odd, very passive aggressive...does some snarky even rude things just to get attention. Getting ready for the storm!! Thanks for your help and feedback.
Thank you! You are absolutely correct. It is hard because none of us want to take away their last means of independence. However, the price to pay is not worth the risk. You are right about him never willingly surrendering the keys. He will literally pass away before he lets them go. I was worried I was being too judgemental, possibly overreacting...but my son not only isn't allowed to drive with him, he is terrified to do so. Dad isn't strong enough to walk through the grocery store without using a cart as a walker. Key here is that he has to use the cart, he knows it...but will NEVER use a walker! He is a tricky one!! And yes, there is so much good advice in this thread. It helps me often, and mostly I use it as I am always second guessing myself because I am so close to the situation. I would not want to take away the keys if it wasn't truly necessary. It helps to have someone who doesn't know him provide feedback based on facts, not emotion. Thanks again!!!
This is an old thread but the issue is always with us.
There,are tons of posts and info about how to stop the driving on this site. Start reading. Right now. Your dad needs to get off the road.
With few exceptions it's alway nuclear war about driving. Get dads doc, minister, a cop, someone he might listen too to intervene.
No luck with that? Take the keys, disable the car, do what has to be done.
It doesn't sound like your dad will ever agree to give up driving voluntarily. This is about the hardest thing we have to do with parents. My dad is very close. I'm dreading it but I'll do it. No way I'll let him kill someone on the roads.
If you're worried about your son riding with him, it's time.
My Dad is 86, 87 in Feb. and he still drives. Some days he is ok, some days it is a white knuckle situation for me. Recently he pulled out of wal-mart, had to calculate an almost horizontal crossing to Arby's. He made it across the street, but rammed the car up and over the curbing and just acted as if it was no big deal..said "well the undercarriage of the car can take it!". He will pass on 2 lane roads in the country, some days he speeds, other days he drives below the limit, and as I said before, some days are ok. He is incapable of drinking a soda and driving at the same time, and if he see's something that catches his eyes off the road, his hands turn the wheel in the direction he is looking. Veering out of lane is a regular occurrence. However, he insists on driving. I had to pick my son up at Detroit Metro today (2hour drive). He wouldn't "allow" me to drive. He insists and inserts himself into situations that put me between a rock and a hard place. He did ok on the way there, but couldn't navigate the parking garage. On the way home he took a 2 lane road, and used cruise in fairly heavy traffic. I had to redirect the entire time, when I said I would drive, he ignored me. We live in a small town, and I have been with him on a couple occasions where he has missed stop signs on back roads. BUT I am terrified to bring it all up to him. When I am with him I have to call out people slowing in front of him, monitor his speed...heaven knows what is happening when I am not with him. He is extremely stubborn and believes he can still drive across country to Texas if he chooses to do so. His Doc is about the same age as my Dad (small town), and I am even a bit hesitant to bring it up to him. Dad drinks a couple beers every night, and will drive his friends to dinner after consuming alcohol. I am always afraid that when the phone rings I will be notified of an accident. I won't let my son drive with him anymore, but when I travel on business I find out that he is taking him her or there, and I am trying to find the right way to approach all of this. (We live with him-I am his caregiver). I am thinking about asking him to do the aarp drivers course, but again, he does not see or will not admit there is an issue. If I press anything with him he becomes nasty, makes snyde comments, and reverts to behaving like a child who has been scolded. He has no diagnosis of dementia, macular degeneration, nothing that screams "no driving" but he is slowing cognitively and his strength is not the same as it was even a year ago. I don't think he processes all of the stimuli properly when he is driving. I have empowered my son to say "no thank you" if Dad offers to take him out when I am out of town for work, but I just spent the day in the car with him and it has me worried. It would kill my Dad if he ever hurt anyone in an accident he caused, and it would kill me if he hurts himself or anyone else. I don't think he will ever simply stop driving, it will be a situation where he has to be convinced. Sort of like he won't stop until something bad happens. Feedback please?
I also had to insist that my 94 year old father give up driving. It had gotten to the point that I was afraid to ride with him. I also informed him that driving under the influence of strong pain meds (dilaudid) was a huge liability, not to mention dangerous for him and other drivers on the road. He was angry for a long time, but knew deep down that it was the right thing to do. He gave up his keys willingly. Now he is so disabled from pain meds that he can barely ride in the car, much less drive. It amazes me how quickly a person can deteriorate.
My dad's neurologist office offered to do special testing that measured reflexes and peripherial vision, etc, After the test they could recommend whether he was appropriate to be on the road. Although we never had the testing done, a benefit of this testing is that if your loved one passes, then is in a car accident, the test is on record and will help with any potential lawsuits which might come up as a result.
We finally played on my dad's empathetic nature, and told him we just thought it would be awful if he got in an accident and caused anyone else to suffer or die. We expressed our sincere belief that he would feel so guilty knowing that perhaps the time had come for him to stop driving and didn't.
PLEASE DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO. I had to insist that my father stop driving (Parkinsons) when I rode with him and he jumped thru oncoming traffic without adequate time to pass thru (could no longer gauge ample spacing). FYI: MY then 38 y.o spouse was permanently disabled, our retirement money now ALL gone, and we are about to loose our home if we cant sell in the next 4-6 months, and I am left to pay 90K in school loans for a spouse who now cannot work, all because a elderly woman's family members (her son was a police officer by the way) chose to allow an 83 year old demented mother to drive. She ran a red at 60 mph, and kept going well after she plowed thru. Don't ruin another families' life to spare grannies feelings.
My dad couldn't walk anymore,but he could slide under the wheel.He said how bad it made him feel to not be able to walk,"but when I get in that TOWN CAR,I am in control,I can drive 70 MPH. Be sides being in his 80's,he was also blind on one side.After asking him about different dings in the side of the car,I started washing the car for him and driving him whereever he needed to go.I did all of his errands;Idrove his dog and him around. I hung on to the keys,so I could have piece of mind.Parents like it when the kids seem to give a flip.I think anyone would rather have family around than strangers to care for them.Its ashamed all siblings aren't created equal I drove my dad around for years,he had a perfect driving record,he taught me how to drive at around 6,he said I was the best driver in the family. He didn't seem to miss driving as long as I was there for him,with him.I did this for years without any problem until my brother told my dad that I should give back the car keys that I had stole them. Then thinks to my brother it became a issue. Because it became a issue my dad wanted me to get the car in my name,since I'm the one doing all of the driven and errands;I did. Even though my siblings wasn't apart of our life their jelousy sure was. Never could understand how someone who never is around could feel that way.It is hard enough to be in pain every day,most of you friends and family dead. Parents may act like children sometime but they deserve the same respect as always.I don't feel that way if the parent is a lousy parent. My dad was our hero.Even from the bed I Emphasized what he could do and not what he couldn'T. He knew his driving had gone down hill, I TURNED IT INTO A FATHER=DAUGHTER BONDING EXPERIENCE. He enjoyed the company more than the driving,never even mention it until my DA brother acused me of taking advantage. Sometimes I think my brother wanted something to happen to my dad and he resented me always rescuing him.
I wanted to add a comment to my last one....Sometimes one parent can try to "block" the adult children from getting the other parent to stop driving. My mother did this. During my mother's last year of life, I knew that it was time for Dad to stop driving, but when I brought up the subject, Mom would say to me out of Dad's earshot: "That's too much to ask of him" and "If he can't drive, he'd just as soon be dead." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My mother had a very strong personality ,and she was able to get her way often by intimidating me, my husband, and my father. My mother died a few months after saying these things to me, and that's when we got Dad to stop driving. This is a very difficult task, but you have my best wishes, prayers, and support!
I went through this with my Dad. There was sort of an "acid test" for my husband and me, telling us it was indeed time to have Dad stop driving---and that is---We asked ourselves if we would put our children in the car with Dad driving. Nope! So we knew it was time. Another "sign" was that when I took Dad out for a "test drive", he paused in the middle of the road and couldn't make a decision as to which way to go . (He was "spacing out.") Another driver honked at him. A family friend of Dad's pointed out to him dings and scratches on the fenders of his car, so he noticed too that it was time for Dad to stop driving. As it turned out, my uncle ( a physician ) came to me and told me that Dad should not drive anymore. Dad complied when we told him this observation had come from this particular person in the family. Dad stopped driving but he was still angry about it. It was then an emotional and difficult task to sell his car. Good Luck.
M y mother had a couple of really bad accidents, both her fault, one put her in the hospital for a long time. I didn't know about this at the time but was told about it when I moved here to take care of her. So when I saw my Mother turn into the oncoming traffic lane it was tough but I took the car and sold it as fast as I could. She was mad for a while but finally got over it.
My father drove until age 94. His eyesight was failing and he had several close calls.....that he told me about. He had a bad reaction to a medication and ended up in the hospital and spent 5 days in a semi coma. He had given me power of attorney so I had the legal authority to dispose of the car. I simply gave the car to a cousin.
Just saw on the news a 78 yr old crashes into the front of a Michaels (excuse the spelling) bldg. A 53 yr old woman and her 4 yr old daughter air lifted to the hospital. Further information pending until investigation concluded.
yes it is tough ! my dad would sneak and drive but turns around and comes back cuz he knows he s gonna get lost , the dr told him he couldnt drive anymore . dad had the spare key and refuse to give em to me . it took all summer to have him aruge with me i told him u take a hand full of pills pa !! its like driving drnk ! nooo way i let you drive , ill drive u anywhere u wanna go , finaly he accepts it . it takes a while and they will get over it .. good luck , im glad he finaly accepts it .
I'll tell you when it was time for us. my brother had bought a car for my mom and he got a notice that she had been in an accident. Found out it wasnt the only accident. Needless to say, it was LONG past time. Mom keeps saying that she is better and wants to get her license again. HAHAHAHA is all i say!!
You need to really follow your instincts. If you're here asking this, maybe thats the sign its time. Find out about public transportation in your area for the elderly and disabled. There might be a program, like here, that gives discounts or fixed rate rides. And will have to tell you. It really is a matter of taking the keys away and being strong!!
There is another thread on here with some really good comments and suggestions on this site Curtis.
About 12 yrs ago my mom made a left hand turn, jumped the curb and stopped just short of running into a building. She decided then to give up driving. She never talked to anyone about it and just out of the clear blue sky one day she said that she was no longer going to drive. She surrendered her license, and got an I.D. instead.
Have you seen Driving Miss Daisy because depending on the circumstances elders want to always feel their independence. Giving up a lic. means they have to depend on someone else to take them everywhere.
But there are also transportations that they can apply for and it's free. Call and they'll come pick them up, and return them as well.
Personally I think elder's driving is a hazzard but that's my personal opinion. They can cause accidents, and mistaken the gas pedal for the brake, it's happened.
Guess the best thing is to talk to your parent and see what they think.
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Thank you! You are absolutely correct. It is hard because none of us want to take away their last means of independence. However, the price to pay is not worth the risk. You are right about him never willingly surrendering the keys. He will literally pass away before he lets them go. I was worried I was being too judgemental, possibly overreacting...but my son not only isn't allowed to drive with him, he is terrified to do so. Dad isn't strong enough to walk through the grocery store without using a cart as a walker. Key here is that he has to use the cart, he knows it...but will NEVER use a walker! He is a tricky one!! And yes, there is so much good advice in this thread. It helps me often, and mostly I use it as I am always second guessing myself because I am so close to the situation. I would not want to take away the keys if it wasn't truly necessary. It helps to have someone who doesn't know him provide feedback based on facts, not emotion. Thanks again!!!
This is an old thread but the issue is always with us.
There,are tons of posts and info about how to stop the driving on this site. Start reading. Right now. Your dad needs to get off the road.
With few exceptions it's alway nuclear war about driving. Get dads doc, minister, a cop, someone he might listen too to intervene.
No luck with that? Take the keys, disable the car, do what has to be done.
It doesn't sound like your dad will ever agree to give up driving voluntarily. This is about the hardest thing we have to do with parents. My dad is very close. I'm dreading it but I'll do it. No way I'll let him kill someone on the roads.
If you're worried about your son riding with him, it's time.
We finally played on my dad's empathetic nature, and told him we just thought it would be awful if he got in an accident and caused anyone else to suffer or die. We expressed our sincere belief that he would feel so guilty knowing that perhaps the time had come for him to stop driving and didn't.
Good luck with this tough issue.
the dr told him he couldnt drive anymore . dad had the spare key and refuse to give em to me .
it took all summer to have him aruge with me i told him u take a hand full of pills pa !! its like driving drnk ! nooo way i let you drive , ill drive u anywhere u wanna go ,
finaly he accepts it . it takes a while and they will get over it ..
good luck , im glad he finaly accepts it .
You need to really follow your instincts. If you're here asking this, maybe thats the sign its time. Find out about public transportation in your area for the elderly and disabled. There might be a program, like here, that gives discounts or fixed rate rides. And will have to tell you. It really is a matter of taking the keys away and being strong!!
Good Luck!! This one is a toughy!!
About 12 yrs ago my mom made a left hand turn, jumped the curb and stopped just short of running into a building. She decided then to give up driving. She never talked to anyone about it and just out of the clear blue sky one day she said that she was no longer going to drive. She surrendered her license, and got an I.D. instead.
Have you seen Driving Miss Daisy because depending on the circumstances elders want to always feel their independence. Giving up a lic. means they have to depend on someone else to take them everywhere.
But there are also transportations that they can apply for and it's free. Call and they'll come pick them up, and return them as well.
Personally I think elder's driving is a hazzard but that's my personal opinion. They can cause accidents, and mistaken the gas pedal for the brake, it's happened.
Guess the best thing is to talk to your parent and see what they think.
Hope that helps.