My mom has Alzheimer's and she is in a nursing home. I get physically ill at the thought of going to see her and I have to force myself to go. Does anyone else have this problem?

Mia I too find myself hesitant when I go see my mom. Frankly sometimes I just flat out don't want to go. She's in her own home with a care-giver 12 hours a day. My sister and her family live there with her, (16 years they've been there).

She had a stroke last October and is bedridden. She is in the beginning stages of Dem/Alz and now thinks people are stealing from her.

I have my own place and she will call me and call me, and call me several times during the day so finally I go over(it's a long story) but most times when I get to her front door I start having the feelings of depression. Then when I get to her room, my whole body just seems like it wants to give out. But then she starts asking me to do this and that, and this, and that and I forget to breathe and I forget everything else, cause I don't have time.

Yes it is understandable how you feel like that but you must remember that the care takers at your moms facility need to know that your mom has someone so they will treat her with dignity and respect. If they think no one will come, no one gives a darn I wouldn't want to think how they would treat her.

I may say the total opposite of what others may say to you but I say suck it all in, and get over there to see your mom. Even if you can't stay long, go! Sometimes stay a while, and sometimes a little. That way the staff never knows what to expect. Keep them guessing but go see your mom. It's OK if your 19 yr old doesn't want to go, my 21 yr old doesn't like going with me either, can't really take her that way. I understand and don't force him.

Oh here's something else that might work prior to going to visiting your mom ----V-O-D-K-A!!!! :):):):):)

I would go, oh, once a week. My mother didn't really even know where she was, and her speech was kind of garbled. I mean, she knew who I was and could speak clearly, but couldn't answer questions. "So what did you have for lunch today, Mom?" and she would start talking about her sister who was driving to Peoria for a church thing. She always seemed happy, though. I would check out her room to make sure her clothes and spare shoes were there, no one took her tv or stuffed animals. I would bring a magazine, like a nature magazine, cat magazine, or fashion magazine and we would look at the pictures together. I would stay half an hour or so, and then say "I will see you soon" and nip out. Walk to my car free free free as a bird! I did my duty, and I did go faithfully once a week, for a half hour....Sometimes I would stop at the Dollar Tree and buy a dozen little stuffed fuzzy animals, little bears and dogs and such, bring them and pass them out to her table mates in the day room. Mom loved her stuffed animals and thought they were real, try to feed them and would talk to them. They unfortunately always disappeared, so I would replenish with a cheapie little stuffed critter from the dollar store. People there loved to hold and stroke them, it gave them comfort, I think.

When you sacrifice decades of your life doing and giving to parents who are capable but selfishly enmesh their life with yours, there comes a point when you realize your own life has passed you by. Then your parent(s) age, continue to be self centered and continue to make your life miserable, which effects your spouse, your grown childten, not to mention killing off all your own hope's and dreams for your own life. So, why do we feel guilty about anything at this point? Because this unwarranted guilt is from a lifetime of giving and caretaking, making us feel we have to dutifully suffer till we escorts them to their grave. Just because this person is our parent does not mean we have to spend our adult lives dedicated to them. A truly unselfish parent would release you with love. We were born through them but we dont owe our life's to them. Yes, they did provide and care for us when we were children. They are obligated to that by law. I get soo irratated when people say to my mother.. "you took care of her when she was little, now it's her turn to take care of you" Let's examine that statement. First of all, it's ignorant for someone to make that statement. In my case, my mother makes herself out to be so angelic when she tells everyone, "Ohh, I feel badly she takes care of me." Thats a flat out lie. She says that to elicit some kind of compliment to her, telling her she deserves it. Her sense of entitlement has me running ragged and has her lifting her feet as she sits in her bedroom chair while I'm vacuuming and cleaning her room.
With emotionally abusing, self-entitled guilt producing parents, we have very minimal obligations to them, eg: safety, food etc. Those of us with these types of parents will most likely take the severly damaging repercussions of our parents selfishness to our own graves... and here I am, with my miserable, unappreciative, self entitled narcissist mother living with me and complaining how she hates it, tho every need and desire of hers is met. My grown childen don't come to my home as her only interest in them is how they make her feel... my husband endures my daily complaining about her. If she thinks we're both out, like when my husband is walking the dogs and I'm in the back yard and she didnt see me... she gets all pissed off that we left her alone. Why? Because her driving privileges were take by her doctor and she''s angry staying home. Everywhere I've taken her for social activites she refuses cause at 87 she doesnt want to be with "those old people".
Tell me exactly why I "should" feel guilty if I am caring less about her and more about my emotional preservation, my children and my marriage? For those of you in my shoes... think about your life of unwarranted guilt. Our parent(s) instilled the "guilt button" in us and we push it ourselves. My kids hate my suffering, They tell me, "Enough with the BS guilt. Go live your life, mom!"
That's my message to those of you who relate. God bless you and me with the couage to take care of OUR needs and start living!

I take Xanax before I visit with my 91 year old mother. Ask your doctor for a script. He or she will understand.

Yes, I want my life back too. I hate it and I hate her. But what are you going to do? These old people need to be looked after. It's the right thing to do.

I've found her dementia easier to deal with than her original personality. I tell her lies and they seem to satisfy her better than reality. Then she forgets and we move on to some other distraction.

Some posters here lack compassion often times because they are overstressed from their own caregiving situation. It is called compassion fatigue.

Yes, I have the same problem. My mother is in a nursing home and has been there for two years. I visit her every Sunday for a couple of hours, but have to force myself into going. I feel physically ill every Sunday morning and would rather do anything than go. What keeps me going is the Bible commandment, "Honor thy Father and thy Mother". I pray for strength before I go and somehow I always get through it.

Thanks Maggiesue,
I know what you mean. I hate it and her too. Which makes me feel even more guilty. I gave up 9 years of my life taking care of her, I didn't go anywhere except work and errands after my Dad passed away, and now I finally have it back. I am the only child so she moved in with me. When I do go see her I get constant calls she wants to come home, etc. It makes it even worse. My daughter even went 8 hrs away to college to get away from her before she went into the convalescent home. Now my daughter is back home and going to school near by. I am enjoying spending time alone with her, that is time we never had growing up becuase my Mom was ALWAYS there. But, the guilt is incredible. I feel damned if I do and damed if I don't.

Mia, first of all - DON"T feel guilty.. you have to do what you have to do - what's right for you and for your family. I just got back from visiting my dad - I dread going each week. I need to go more often, but I cannot and will not go every day. He's critical and it's just not worth my time n effort. I went today to pay his March bill - private pay... and he saw me with a receipt... WHAT's THAT? he questions me and I just say, OH It's a receipt and talk about something else. He doesn't care nor understand where his money is going... It's a sad situation. I visit alone b/c he is so ugly with company... very few of family come see him..

Tina, just hang in there. Again, YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.. don't feel guilty about it..

I am preaching to myself.. I question my decision. I wonder if they are treating him right.. I wonder what his brother thinks.. I wonder what my brother (whom I never hear from) thinks... and then I don't care... it's a roller coaster of emotions... But I drag myself there to the nursing home outta duty and love.

I can understand this. My life started a downhill spiral when both my parents took ill in March 2007. Mom has dementia that has been getting gradually worse since 2000. Dad was taking care of her at their home in NJ (I'm in CT) but at 94 it was getting to be too much. She had a UTI and had fallen several times. I took time off from work to go to NJ. I got mom admitted to the hospital and started talking to dad about assisted living. Dad had hurt himself trying to pick mom up when she fell. I took him to the ER to be checked out. The attending prescribed a muscle relaxer. After being in NJ for 5 days I returned to CT.

I got a call that night from dad that was incoherent. I called a neighbor and a cousin that live in NJ and dad was hospitalized. It turned out to ba a bad reaction to the meds. So they were both in the hospital and I had to return to NJ. Eventually they were both released to a conv home. the social worker determined they should not live alone. To get them out I arranged for an assisted living apt here in CT. After I got them moved in Dad was a royal PITA. Wvery few days I'd get a call that he wasn't going to stay and had to take time off to meet with the facility staff. My boss told me I had an attendance problem. Eventually I moved my parents into my house (BIG mistake). I was eventually laid off from my job. The time I had to take off was a factor in the decision to vote me off the island. Mom is now in a nursing home and really doesn't know who I am. Dad still lives with me. I feel bitter that my life has been taken over by them. I have yet to hear a "thank you" for what I have done to make them comfortable. I interact with my father as little as possible. 3 times a week he takes a the dial a ride to the senior center then to the NH to visit mom. I can feel my BP rise when I have to go pick him up. I just want my life back.

My mother lived with my family for five years and caring for her was very difficult. I finally had to place her in a nursing home, because her disabilities and behaviors were beyond my control. I visit her several times a week. Because of her many disabilities and emotional problems, but especially because of the difficulties I had with my brothers and sisters, I ended up being burned out. I am slowly healing, but each visit to the nursing home leaves me worn out and depressed. My husband was the first to comment that I always seem to feel ill on the days when I have visited her. He is right. I don't have any answers for this problem, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone.