My 87-year-old grandmother refuses any outside help, but there is no family to take care of her. What can I do?

jlnno, I'm not sure if I'm reading your post right but it sounds like your Mom is stepping up to the plate to get involved and get some home care set up for her mother. If so, that is great! I'll shoot a little prayer up for you.

thanks to everyone! this is the first time I have posted anything and am very thankful for your thoughts and advice. Anne123 - you really hit home when you asked about my Mom...I do feel like she should do more..I think she is in denial that her Mom needs help but something has to happen. I feel like I am the only one telling Grandma that she needs help and my Mom just manages from afar. She is retired yet I have a career and a young family. My Mom needs to spend about a month or more helping Grandma get set up with in home care, etc. I am venting I know it but it is stressful on me always worrying about Grandma and feeling guilty if I am not spending more time with her. thanks again for all the advice.

this is hard maybe you and your Mom need to talk with your Grandma and express concern. Contact a local home care agency and have one of the homecare aids come and visit. This could break the ice as it were and help your Grandma to realize what nice people they are. When my Grandmother became ill and could not be left alone we took her into our home. I had two young children and was a daycare provider for others. I stopped doing daycare and we cared for Grandma till she passed away. I always felt it was a good experience for my children. We cared for her because we loved her. They did not however see her die or see the funeral director come get her. They were at the park with their Dad. They will still talk about their Great Grandma and have good memories of her.

...just wanted to add that you are very a caring and giving person...your grandmother is lucky to have such a mature grand-daughter who cares about her well being.

I have nothing to add to the great ideas above, other than to do things sooner than later. A senior's conditon can change so rapidly.

Good luck,
Lilli

when pa was livin in fla and i would call him and talk to him over the ph . he sounded good and is ok . but when i got down there oh my gosh its a whole diffrent picture . maybe thats why your mother thinks her mom is ok cuz she talked to her over the ph ??? phone and face to face is a whole diffrent ball park ...
myhusband thinks his mother is fine untill one day she spent a weekend here and he realized she is not fine . so now his brother is staying with her . u wouldnt believe the things she does . bil filled me in on about her . i had to explain to him what to expect . he has no idea . poor guy hes going crazy !

Just to add to what I previously posted...my mom right off the bat said she did not want anybody young, so that made it easier for the caregiver management to send over older ladies and it worked out great.

Jlynno, Wow, there are some great suggestions for you here. Love the idea of bringing in a helper for just one day a week to start (or as a trial) to get Grandma adjusted to it. (This would also help with Grandma's need for socialization.) I have to tell you that my first thought as I was reading your post was , Why isn't your mother taking the principal role in taking care of your Grandma's care? If your Mom has health problems of her own which make this impossible for her, I can understand it. Otherwise, it would seem to me that the "duty" would fall first to the living child of this Grandma. Yes, your Mom lives far away, but the main burden should not be falling upon you. I just don't think that's right. Your husband and you could have a talk with your mother about this. It's important for you to keep your relationship with your mother strong and healthy, so obviously you need to tread lightly here, but to tell you the truth, I feel sorry for you. Even from far away, your mother could be making the necessary phone calls ( and investigating home care services ) that would set up her mother for the proper in-home care. Maybe others here will disagree with me on this, but I wanted to raise the point so that it can be discussed. You are a dear to be doing all this for your Grandma, but you need help. And I wish that your Mom would step up to the plate and do what's necessary here. hoping you get resolution on this.....and that Grandma gets settled with the care she needs.

ilynno - I can totally relate to your situation. I had to guilt my 89 year old mom into moving to assisted living. My brother, age 64, had been living in her home for several years and has health problems of his own. I told Mom that he needed a break and asked if she'd try out assisted living for 3 months - it's been 12 so far and she's adjusted just fine. After we moved her she lost track of time and we never bring up moving home. I also live in another state and told her I just can't afford to quit work and help her . We feared for her safety and reminded her that if she fell at home and was hurt she could end up in a nursing home. I told her to move while she was able to decide where to go rather than get "put" into the first opening the hospital could find. I spoke with my brothers before hand and we agreed on a strategy and that we'd say the same things to my Mom - "brother needs a break, we have our own health issues and can't do a good job helping you, we want you to be safe, to know your meds are taken properly, to know that you're eating right, etc...." Getting your Mom to help will likely be necessary - she might listen to a daughter more closely.

For your grandma, it's about giving up control. If she's hearning/seeing things then being the familiar surroundings is going to make her feel safer so she'll really fight moving. At 87 the one thing we have to expect with our elders is change, they just slow down faster sort of like little kids seem to grown 2 inches in a month. The idea about a trial helper is great. Be sure to interview them before hand to see if you think they'll be compatible. My mom had a couple of really young girls that didn't work out at all - they didn't know how to clean, wouldn't cook food unless it came from a box and couldn't sit and visit over coffee. After she found friendly 55 year old, it was a perfect match. This is a tough situation and it takes a strong person to say the hard things to our elders. The loving thing to do is help her remain safe, comfortable and to feel loved - that's what you're doing so feel good about that. You probably already thought of it but - she should also have a durable Power of Attorney, a living will and a power of attorney for health care. Things can really get messy if you don't have these in place. Good luck!

you also need to have a serious talk with your mom then u both could go from there , like what pirategal said . hire someone to come in and stay with ur mother ,
soon it will become 24-7 care . need to be prepare for it ,
i never dreamed that my dad would be livin with me and i never dreamed that i be takin care of him . my job was put on hold for almost a year cuz i thought my dad was going to die . but he pulled thru , there is 6 of us and im the only one would take him in .
so now i put my lifestyle on hold to take care of him 24-7 .
i realy am glad that i can do it and dad hopes i be the one to take care of him .
almost 2 yrs mm maybe its almost 3 yrs ?? im lost . lol

wow that's a tough one.... my mom didnt want anybody in the house either...but then I had to go back to work after Family Leave for about 4 weeks when she started to show signs of on-set dementia. I originally got the caregiver help because I wanted to make sure someone was going to make her take meds. So after I got it started she liked it and expected it..(someone else she can boss around other than me..lol)...so you can start small like have a person come in for one day a week for 3 hours (sometimes that is the minimum) and just say hey this person is going to vacumn and take out the trash and wash clothes..etc. See if you can get them to accept it as a trial. The one trick the caregiver owner used on my mom was a free trial and then she liked it. (She said okay Mrs...... I will give you a caregiver for free this Friday for 3 hours and my mom bought it...and now expects it). So you can just say it is a free trial (she does not need to know...wink)

my grandma has my Mom but she lives 450 miles away. My Mom lives in a ranching community and Grandma does not want to live there...My Mom visits about once a quarter and talks to Grandma daily. It's very difficult for me to take all the burden with keeping Grandma company, etc.. I visit her on my lunch hour 2 to 3 times a week and see her on the weekend. I keep her medications organized and bring her food. I do the best I can but Grandma needs more of a social life and is starting to see things and imagine things. She has fallen down about 3 times in the last 6 months. What will it take to make Grandma accept outside help to come in and keep her company and do light housekeeping? The biggest issue right now is Grandma is lonely and needs a social life. I am married with 3 kids and full time job. Living with me is not an option. We go out of town frequently and like to do things Grandma can not do (hiking, snowmobiling, fishing). I am the only family Grandma has that lives in same city.

Jlynno, It sounds like your grandmother has no living adult children to take care of her. Is that correct? Are there any other grandchildren besides you, who could look after her?

My 90 yo FIL initially refused to have a professional caregiver help him. He didn't understand why he needed help and was in total denial. It took some serious talking to him - over a period of 2-3 month - until he got used to anybody coming to his house. Now he is fine with it, but won't openly admit it. He's still trying to tell his family that he can manage on his own.... but he no longer refuses the help from the professional caregiver.