I live with my parents. My mother has alzheimer's and my father is the primary care giver. He expects me to fill in twice a day so he can leave the house. The thing is he's been abusive to me all my life and isn't that great to me now. Plus I'm at a dead-end low-paying job where I'm treated badly there as well. I'm at my wits end and feel dead inside. I want my life back and feel like I have the right to take care of myself and pursue a better career, etc. I don't want to be a scapegoat for anyone anymore? Do I have the right to say enough and move on?
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Carol
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Anyway, think about your mother's welfare and the logistics of caring for your mother. If you move out, you could still spell your father on YOUR schedule, say promise four days of 3-4 hours each. You could also do shopping errands on the way, offer to do yardwork outside while your father is with your mother.
Since he's leaving to do errands, etc, you won't have much contact with him and could probably be more a helpful visitor, a ray of light for your mother. Not someone always put upon and abused.
This threshold of I want "MY LIFE back!" is something every caregiver faces. And having the right to a happy fulfilling life? sure why not? But that's what all deadbeat siblings are saying while the single sibling caregiver is stuck with 24/7. (Guess which one develops "character"?)
Your father, abusive as you say he is, is nevertheless standing with his wife as primary caregiver. You've posted your original message days ago, so assume you didn't click the "notify me when others respond" button. Are you even reading these? Hello?
Ed wants to get to the truth of the matter (as I guess we all do so that we can be fair to all concerned) so, Josephine, how about trying to give us some more facts. How long did you live on your own? Why did you move back home? Was there some sort of an agreement drawn up when you moved back home? As I asked before, did your parents want you back home because they didn't like to have you living on your own because you were female? Does your culture have something to do with you living at home? Etc. etc. We really do need to know as much as possible before we can give you well-considered answers to your question as to whether or not we think (but of course do not KNOW for sure) if you have the right to say "enough and move on" as you suggested. I think if you do not or cannot tell us more so that we have a clearer picture of the situation, there is not much use in this thread continuing. I am sure we all wish the best for your whole family.
From your post, I understand the need to get away from an abusive situation and pursue a fulfilling life. Still, I'm puzzled. If you're abused at home and abused at work, what makes you think you'll be harm-free if you just pack your things -- as some here have suggested -- and move out? How long do you think you'll last on $10 an hour when apparently you've never been on your own? Do you really think you're ready to throw caution to the wind?
It's your parent's house, and you have to abide by their rules -- especially if you don't pay rent and are still somewhat dependent. In a nutshell, if you are in fact an able-bodied adult they're not obligated to house and care for you. That being the case try working out a schedule with your father, who's clearly under a lot of stress from watching the love of his life unravel before his eyes. Perhaps if you both agree on a specific time to substitute for him he won't be so prone to take it out on you. If he still continues to be abusive after having reached a compromise as to how best care for your mom, tell him he's going to have to make other arrangements if he wants to take a break and/or run errands. You might be risking him telling you to move out, but I doubt it because he needs you. Actually, you need each other. So work it out and refuse to be abused. At least you'll have a roof over your head while making sincere and realistic plans to leave the nest and land on your feet no matter where you go. Wish you the best.
-- ED
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