How can I tell my hostile and stubborn mother she can't live alone?

juanitasue1949, I could have written your post.... My Father died almost 4 years ago now and my Mom has really declined since his death. There again they took care of one another, they were married almost 63 yrs. Mother had a heart attack not 2 weeks after Dad's death. She kept saying I have a broken heart.... SO did I! She is living in a independent senior housing complex. She does real well most of the time. I help her with her medicines and groceries. I think a lot of what you are dealing with is grieve and the changes that are somewhat inevitable with dementia. I know it is not easy but she is obviously not reasoning well. This is VERY typical of someone with dementia. You can be kind and firm. I sometimes just wait and approach her again when she is doing better or is happier. take care and know you are not alone...

juanitasue1949, Mom can't go home again on many levels. Sometimes when people with dementia say they want to "go home" they aren't even thinking of a house, they are longing for a point in time when they were whole, and before the dementia started to change them. Who wouldn't want to go there? But even if you took her on the 16 hour trip, she would not really have what she wants.

Try very hard not to take any of this personally. The paranoia that accuses others of stealing or of not wanting her is a very common part of dementia. Add that to her life-long mood swings and the fact that she has recently lost her life partner, and of course the poor woman isn't making sense.

Try to reassure her without suggesting she is right. "Oh Mom, how awful it must feel if you didn't know that about the house. I thought I've been keeping you up-to-date, but I guess I must have missed some things. Let's sit and have a cup of coffee, a few cookies, and let me answer all your questions."

It is not possible to argue someone out of delusions, so there is no point in protesting that you told her yesterday. Tell her again. Be sympathetic. Try to imagine how scary it must be not to be able to hold things in your memory. Yes, it is VERY annoying to have to repeat information over and over and it is especially hurtful to be accused when you are taking so much trouble to be helpful.

It is the dementia. It is not Mom. Hold the image of your sweet mother in your mind, and be angry at the dementia.

Have to taken Mom to a geriatric psychiatrist and/or a behavioral neurologist since she has come to stay with you? That should probably be your next step.

Hang in there! You are doing a very loving thing.

My father died 2 1/2 mo ago, leaving my 88 yr old mother that has progressive Dementia, which was aggravated this last year by a slight stroke. She can still dress, takes long walks, and seems mostly coherent, but has huge mood swings periodically and demands to go back home, which is 16 hr drive. It is an extreme hardship to get her there. We had an estate sale and upgrading her home to sell. We have included her in all of these steps, and even tho sad she agreed. I brought her home for a month just after dad died, and during that time she would start yelling at me saying "if you don't want me here I will just stay in my room" after a nice day in town together and a nap. She is always telling me she is just an ugly old woman and in the way. She is actually very pretty. She has had episodes of bad mood swings during my life, which everyone got sick of, but she is so sweet in between it is was mostly easy to forgive. We are a close family, but I am the only one able to take her in. We didn't realize how bad her dementia and memory was until my dad died. He had enphasema, and her bad memory, they helped each other. Bottom line is, she is constantly accusing us of not letting her know what is going on with her house, that we think she has "lost it". They will sneak around and go through my things, accuse in a sneaky way that we have spent her money. Asks me if there is a bus that goes to her home, because she was already told she couldn't fly down anymore because she gets confused. How do I tell her without hurting her that she cannot go home anymore?

My MIL would want to go back to live in her house that she shared with her husband. The way I handled it was to tell her the truth. 1) She is a FALL RISK and the hospital suggested she not live by herself anymore. 2) When she moved out, she left the house to one of her grandkids and now he and his family live there. 3) You wouldn't want to displace them, would you? Sometimes, she didn't know what that meant so I said in place of that, throw them out in the streets.

I would have been on board with her going to the NH if they had tried what I suggested first. I suggested this a long time ago. My guess is the DPOA didn't want to pay for it. I just wanted to see if I was right--that she was trying to get up at night to go to the b/r and would fall and that's how she got some of the bruises. I just wanted to test my theory. I couldn't stay up all night, if I was going to take care of her during the day.

Maybe this is the best way, since she had to go to the hospital that she went directly to the NH. ...but it s*cks! Medicare will only pay for a NH if they come directly to the NH, not from a private home to NH. So, again, I ask "Why do we pay into Medicare?" There are a lot of people who cannot afford a NH and hospitals will not keep them for periods of time. More people are staying at home with Caregivers. The rule needs to be changed, BIG TIME from Direct Admit from hospital to a NH and it should also include Direct Admit from private home to a NH. Some people don't necessarily need to go to a hospital first. ...but that's the only way Medicare will pay for a NH.

BTW, I don't drive or I would just take her over to the drs. office.

I pretty much knew when my MIL had a UTI. She wouldn't act like her sweet self (she was more argumentative, always thought she was right, thought I put things in her toothpaste and drinks. Would spit out her pills, etc.) I always I had to convince my DPOA SIL to get her urine tested at the drs. office. The first test was usually negative, but the drs. office would send it out to a hospital lab and it would come back positive and then she would get treated for a UTI.

There is no easy fix. One approach is to be consistent about suggesting the idea of moving to an Assisted Living situation on a trial basis.....The other is to just pack her up and leave the house behind.

I would see what other options are available and you and your hubby and sil and she talk about living alone is not on the table it is either a nursing home and if she has assests it might be better for her to spend down on care for her and someone to run her errands is the sil sure she wants to take this on and why and if it does not work out then what I would have her availuated by an elder social worker -you will need someone on your side anyway then tell her what options she has and give her time to absorb this and fight like hell because she will and then do what seems the best for all.

I can certainly understand what you are going through. My Mother in law has never been a very nice person but now that she has dementia and misplaces stuff--'someone (usually her only son, my husband) has stolen it. I am her full time caregiver. She really got mean, hitting and pushing me, biting my husband etc. I tried to get her in to see her neuro, the app. was almost 2 weeks away. She got more aggressive on a Sunday afternoon so we called the local behavior hosp. They told us to bring her in, my husband had to sign for them to keep her and run test to see if she had any medical condition that could be causing the aggression. She had a urinary tract infection, they treated that but they also started her on a med. for mood swings, usually given to people with bi polar tendencies. "Depakote". It took a couple of weeks to get the proper dosage but, she is like a different person. She still has dementia but, NOW she loves us, she appreciates all we do for her and she realizes that we are not stealing things from her that she has misplaced it. She started getting mean again so I took her and got her urine checked, she had an infection again. The Dr. prescribed antibotics and all is well again. Now when I see her disposition change I get her tested for an infection. We still have problems and I still have to do everything for her but now it's not such a miserable burden.

You are in a very hard position and believe me I do understand. I would strongly encourage you to get an outside source ( Doctor or social worker) to tell her she has to make a change in her living situation. take care,

Cansados
My heart goes out to you and your husband. It is difficult caring for parents who are cooperative and appreciative. I can't imagine what it is like to endure what you are going through. The only question I have is was she like this as long as you have known her or is this a recent development that may be caused by her medications and the progression of her ailments? I am especially concerned about the abuse of pain and sleeping pills. Withdrawal from these medications can cause the extreme agitation that she is exhibiting. If her doctor is not aware of these mood changes and behavior, does she hide it during her appointments? This is not unusual. If so, you may need to trick her into misbehaving in the doctor's presence so that she can be referred to proper treatment and she can return to her old sweet self again. I would try to do this BEFORE you pass her along to your sister-in-law. Otherwise, there will be less chance of getting the right treatment and once your SIL discovers what she has taken on, your MIL may appear back on your doorstep in an even worse condition than she is now. Also, look for the input from others on this site. Many of us have lots of wisdom to share regarding the your situation.

I hope a lot of people respond to this question - my father-in-law has been with us for 6 months since my mother-in-law died, but thinks he is able to live by himself. That would be a completely unsafe situation for him.

I know exactly what you are going through, I hired two ladies one comes in Monday and Thursday from 2pm until 5pm, the other l ady comes in Monday-Friday 8pm until 7am. Last night was the first time the lady that stays nights stayed with her. My mom informed me this morning she did not like all these "people" coming in and out of her house. I told her (being an only child) that I had one foot in the grave already and if she did not cooperate she was going to the nursing home. Period.

I know that sounds cruel but I've been doing this for 3 years now and I'm beat. I've never been one to beat around the bush, always spoke my mind so thats what I did. Good luck to you and lots of hugs.

Jan